Summer Nights-Totally Smashed

Skiyomi's avatar
By Skiyomi
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Totally Smashed.

Xellos was still stewing from his last encounter with Filia. Being called a slave by a lizard who did not even possess a hundredth of his power was not sitting at all well with him. She was just spewing nonsense and didn't even understand half of what she was saying. Yes, that was right. Unfortunately this was probably the eighth time he'd told himself that and the matter didn't seem any more likely to leave his head.

He had to suppose that from a certain perspective, namely Filia's, she was actually correct. But that was only in the way that all creatures were subject to the whims of those more powerful than them. She wasn't any freer than he was, she just wasn't aware of it. We're all under someone's heel; that's just a fact.

It wasn't, to be perfectly honest, a fact that was making him feel any better.

It was the pity that had really gotten to him. The idea of someone like her pitying him was almost too much to bear. He'd witnessed pity before, but it being directed at him was a galling and utterly foreign experience. Being pitied was not a pleasant experience. After all, pity was just a disgusted kind of love.

This… wasn't a productive line of thought. But he kept running through the same old tracks and was unable to put it out of his mind or move on to anything new. At this point, he just wished he could stop thinking, if only for a little while.

It is in this mindset, Xellos observed grimly, but with irony, that mortals drink.

Of course, Xellos himself occasionally partook in alcohol. It was a… social thing. Humans are much more inclined to make deals over drinks. Not drinking would've made them uncomfortable and, in any case, the more he'd drink the more they'd drink and the more they drank the easier it was to strike a deal.

But it wasn't the same thing for him. Not having a blood stream to build up alcohol in, he was simply left to enjoy the fine flavor of the beverage while anyone who drank with him enjoyed the effects of inebriation.

Then again… it was all just a matter of processing chemicals, wasn't it? He could do that. When the mood struck her, Lord Beastmaster certainly seemed to manage it. With flourish.

He should… probably check this out. If only to develop a better frame of reference for the experience. Xellos was all about developing better frames of reference.

He phased out.


Some time later Xellos found what he was looking for.  He walked into a bar which wasn't quite seedy, but definitely on the seedy side. It was seedy-esque; certainly not a place that would make it into a tourist pamphlet top ten list, but on the other hand, they probably actually washed their glasses. The lighting was low and depressed inside; a sharp contrast from the bright, snowy day outside where couples were walking arm in arm, carrying heart-shaped objects. Apparently some sort of late winter festival devoted to love was going on. Perhaps the rejects of that ceremony turned to look at him in a glassy-eyed way as he entered and then turned their attention back to their drinks.

He walked up to the bar, rapped on the counter and asked the bartender to fetch him a bottle of whatever the locals used as paint thinner. Normally this kind of behavior would at least have earned him the cold shoulder in such establishments and at most sent a chair flying at his face, but this bartender hadn't lasted as long as he had without learning how to feel people out. Priests could always be trouble when they drank and this one looked like trouble already—not in the usual scarred, tattooed, grimacing way—but a kind of trouble nonetheless. He passed the newcomer a bottle and a very small glass without a word.

Xellos poured a generous dose into the glass with a steady hand and downed it in a way that got the attention of the more competitive clientele of the bar. It tasted awful, but he knew it would start tasting better when the caustic substance starting burning away taste buds. He took another drink and the quality seemed to be marginally improved. It was even better on the third go.

He was starting to worry that he'd gone to all this trouble for nothing. He wasn't feeling any different and the stinging encounter with Filia weighed upon his mind just as much. He reached for the glass again and missed, but chalked this up to being lost in thought. He managed to grasp it on the second try.

The morose silence of the room was broken for a moment as a sigh that was more of a groan from some rose up. Xellos followed the gaze of every man in the room toward the window. The windows must have been dirty, since his view through them was rather blurry, but he could make out a young woman holding a box given to her by a young man. She moved quite animatedly, putting something from the box onto her finger and throwing herself into his arms.

Xellos turned back to his drink. He didn't know for sure what number drink this was at the moment, but that hardly mattered. What he did know for sure was that watching the courtship rituals of humans wasn't doing anything to improve his mood.

Filia probably would've thought it was sweet. If she'd been there she would've sighed and clasped a hand to her heart. Maybe if she was really drawn into a fit of emotion she'd take out a handkerchief and cry into it over the romance of the situation. But no… if she'd been there with him she would've been too absorbed being disgusted by the bar and its customers. Yes… she'd feel disgust, but not love as well… not pity. No pity for them, but…

He looked up in time to see one of the bar's patrons giving him a half smile. It wasn't a nice smile, and not only because it was on a grizzled prospector's face and therefore missing a few important teeth. It was an unhappy sort of smile, but one that bespoke a fellow feeling. The man lifted his glass, said: "Wimmin'," vehemently and took a drink.

Xellos looked at his own glass. "Wimmin'," he was forced to agree, and drank it down.


A few hours later and even Xellos's new friends from the bar (to whom he owed a great debt of thanks for teaching him a series of amusing songs) thought that he'd had enough. Now he was roaming around at the stage of drunkenness where calling on an ex to give her a piece of your mind and/or beg her to come back to you seems like an excellent idea. After a few misses he managed to teleport to Filia's door.

Before Filia had even managed to get out her quintessential 'what are you doing here?!' (with perhaps a confused addition of '…and why are you using the door?') Xellos had declared in what, in his mind, was a clear, reasonable voice: "I don' need yer pity!"

For a moment Filia was taken aback, then she sniffed the air and was really taken aback. "Are you drunk?!" she asked disbelievingly as he lurched past her and into the house.

"No," he answered belligerently. He walked into nothing and fell down. "…Maybe a li'l," he admitted from the floor.

"You can't be drunk," Filia said, as if she could order the facts away. She clomped over and tried to pull him up. "That shouldn't even be possible!"

"Well if I am itsyer fault," he said reproachfully, immobile despite her efforts to get him on two feet again.

She grunted and pulled but he wasn't moving, instead she ended up falling to the floor next to him where she shrieked at him in utter aggravation and demanded: "How is it my fault?"

He extended his index finger and narrowly avoided poking his own eye out. " 's secret," he said.

She slammed her hands against the wooden floor in frustration. "I demand that you sober up immediately!" she ordered.

Xellos actually might've been able to follow this somewhat ridiculous command if he'd been in any state to see that it was a good suggestion. As it was, he reached out and touched the clenched and angry face in front of him. "S'okay though," he said in drunken rumination. "S'okay 'cause… we're the same."

After a brief moment of uncertain she slapped his hand away. "What are you talking about?" she shot back in utter bewilderment.

He hoisted himself up unsteadily on his own steam and walked on, using his staff like a cane as Filia scrambled to follow him. " 'Salright, 'salright," he kept muttering to himself. "Yer the same 's me."

"I am not the same as you," Filia said forcefully. "What do you mean by that?" He stumbled again and caught himself on her sofa. "Xellos!"

"Filia," he said, at first it was an answer, but then he seemed to get stuck on it. "Filia, Filia, Filia. For some reason 's nice to say." He climbed onto her couch and quieted.

Filia watched him with growing horror for a moment. "No," she said, crossing her arms. "You are not sleeping it off here. Absolutely no way!"

There was silence from the form on her couch. She stepped back. "Absolutely no way," she repeated, but to herself. She couldn't just let someone that evil spend the night on her couch, could she?

She drew closer once again and reached out a tentative hand, as if ready to recoil in case he awoke and made more bizarre proclamations. She touched his forehead gently and swept his bangs out of his face. His eyes were closed, not in his usual insincere squint but in the slumber of the seriously drunk.

"What could've possibly gotten into you?" she asked softly.

She hesitated for a moment, then reached up for the quilt that was draped over the top of the couch, pulled it over him, and stood up.  She dimmed the lights and went up to her room.

He was going to have a lot of explaining to do when morning came.

…And a monster of a headache.
Theme #75. Continuing from Clipped Wings: [link]

So... I've been wanting to get Xellos drunk for a long time.

...That didn't sound right, did it?

Okay, but it's only fair, right? I already got Filia drunk in Oracle's Wish! It's harder to get Xellos drunk but I was gonna go the distance to make that happen.

And I do believe some of the reason I wanted to make it happen was a particular drawing by :iconamberpalette: - [link]

I wanted to do something for Valentine's Day and here it is! Hopefully your Valentine's Day is less drunken than Xellos's was.

...And now I'm off to do the homework I'm supposed to be doing instead of writing fanfiction. *sigh*

Themes Done So Far:
-Exorcism: [link]
-Tea Leaves: [link]
-First Kiss: [link]
-Guilty: [link]
-Dwelling On It: [link]
-Unoriginal Sin: [link]
-Game: [link]
-Terms & Conditions: [link]
-How to Impress a Woman: [link]
-Wolves and Their Prey: [link]
-Good Deeds: [link]
-Amusement Park: [link]
-Flower Garden: [link]
-Gemstones: [link]
-Childish: [link]
-You are Answerable for your Fantasies: [link]
-Clipped Wings: [link]
-Totally Smashed
-Just Because You Can Do It, Doesn't Mean You Should: [link]
© 2011 - 2020 Skiyomi
anonymous's avatar
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shishiyoukai's avatar
ahahaahahahahahahahhah!!!! xellos drunk! I'd like to see what lord beastmaster think about this XDXD
Skiyomi's avatar
XD She'd probably call him a lightweight!
shishiyoukai's avatar
Ahahahahah I've just figured the scene XD
Kiren201's avatar
Drunk Xelloss?! :D
wonder how he explain himself and I somehow think he was lucky to pass out so early. Who knows what he would say to her ;)
Skiyomi's avatar
Too true! He should thank his lucky stars for that :P
Amalika's avatar
Thanks, I wasn't feeling well when I read this, but it is totally hilarious and now I'm feeling a lot better! :dummy:
The idea of getting Xellos drunk is awesome and you managed to make a great story (unfortunately it only seems to be a one-shot) out of it! :giggle:
Skiyomi's avatar
Thanks :) Glad I can help you feel better!

Some people want to see this continue to the hangover, so I'm trying to generate ideas.
Mayleef's avatar
Ah... drunk monster. Intresting.
Skiyomi's avatar
It's not something you see everyday :P
Mayleef's avatar
Yeah. Its hard to drunk one of those.
AmberPalette's avatar
OH MY GOD GUESS WHAT LOL. I once again have an old doodle to go along with this PERFECTLY:


LOLOL :giggle:
Skiyomi's avatar
Yeah, I know :D It's in my favorites. I thought I linked it up in the summary too...
AmberPalette's avatar
Skiyomi's avatar
Yep! I thought I forgot for a minute but I did!

Drunk Xellos was too much fun to write.
AmberPalette's avatar
LOL oh I thought you linked to my Valentine's Day pic. The drunk one is far more apropos! XD
Skiyomi's avatar
Oooh, I see now! Well that picture DID nudge me to get going on this so that works too :P
AmberPalette's avatar
klkjsdfl;jksadf I have to read this! I will read it SOON! You flatter me! I'm so glad to accidentally inspire!!
SilverScarCat's avatar
Is there going to be a continuation of this?

Pretty please? :D
Skiyomi's avatar
I might if I think of anything! :P
SilverScarCat's avatar
Sounds good to me. :D
CMY187's avatar
Ohh, man...ye've fulfiled my wish, Skiyomi. At long last, my wish has been granted.
...so why don't I feel any sense of triumph? Dang.

Hmm...this reminds me of a moment in Soul Music, where a certain anthropomorphic personification, in sorrow an' self-contemplation, decided to attempt to expunge his negative thoughts with this strange activity that humans call 'drinking'.

Biers, eh? Nice...

He dosen't need to look like an Igor or Troll to let you be aware that he can turn you into atoms with a mere flick of his fingers, I'll give him that.

Marriage proposals. Puh-lease spare me the mush.
Why do I feel like, despite his disdain for the Mazoku, Zelgadis might somehow allow himself to be a drinking buddy to the Cone at this time? He dosen't think too much for typical romantic moments either.

Self-Pity an' Alcohol. Two long-time best friends.

Lemme guess, Skiyomi; one of those songs was about a hedgehog...
He's got friends in a bar now? Ohh, great. Don't tell me he's gonna go THERE now whenever he's feelin' spouse-like resentment towards Miss Filia Ul Copt...

"the stage of drunkenness where calling on an ex to give her a piece of your mind and/or beg her to come back to you seems like an excellent idea."
Well, at least he didn't attempt to confront ZELLAS about some personal opinions on his work...

A few misses...hahaha...thank yeh, Skiyomi...

He...he used the door?
Ohh, bugger, now even I feel pity for him...an' if ME, an established Cone resenter, am feelin' SORRY FOR XELLOS...I think he's even more depressed now...

Walked into nothing...

Even in this state, he can still use that stupid catchphrase...

Poor guy. He seriously can't bring himself to grips with Filia. She has to be the first an' only person on the Red World to make him question his purpose an' existence on the planet. Not just his role as a Mazoku servant. Him. Xellos.
He's been around for thousands of years. He has been working an' manipulating for his race to ensure the eventual takeover or destruction of the planet. He was a major factor an' player in The War Of The Monsters' Fall against the Shinzoku race, particular one of their most loyal servants, the Golden Dragons. He has tricked, false-led, duped, cheated, conned, fooled, an' hood-winked just about every intelligent being he's encountered an' deemed a possible asset to aid his masters.
He's seen an' experienced just about everything there is...or so he thought.
Then, while surveiling Lina Inverse in order to draw out a former servant of the late renegade Mazoku Lord Gaav, Xellos has a fateful encounter with the most remarkable being he has ever met in his long, long life.

An' now, after his repeated an' relentless attacks at her spirit, she turns around an' drops a bombshell; that she actually PITIES him because she thinks of him as a slave, little more than an animated tool to be used by its owner.
An' it has made him start to wonder just what his purpose on L-Sama's world is about.
But mostly it's made him wish he could get her to admit that she was wrong.

If ye're plannin' on addin' another chapter to this small-sized story(ain't a whole chocolate bar, but it's still a Hershey's Kiss), I'll be supportin' ye.

Thanks very much for this tale, Skiyomi. Will await yer next update.

P.S. Susan Sto Helit, sorry, MISS Susan, school-teacher, governess an' grand-daughter to the Grim Reaper, an' Xellos, long-time servant to Mazoku Lord Beastmaster Zellas; that'll be one interesting encounter to see.
I can imagine them talking, then the Cone looking around upon hearing a sound that went, strangely, like SQUEAK an' asking about it.
Skiyomi's avatar

Y'know, I have to wonder who he accidentally teleported to and consequently told that he "didn't need their pity" before he finally got it right with Filia.

I hadn't planned on going to a third part, but I can see how there might be interesting territory ahead. If I can think of something then I'll go for it.

They could get along as long as Xellos is on his best, least smarmy behavior. Miss Susan wouldn't tolerate any less.
KidaNoche's avatar
Awwwww XD This was freakin' funny. I bet you're telepathic. I bet you could read my mind and know how miserably ill I was and wrote this to cheer me up. :D *kidding lulz*
anonymous's avatar
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