Commitment: Restrictive, yet with mostly good intentions.
Why is it that I can't bother to befriend it, yet feel comfortable with Negligence and Effortlessness?
Every decision I make, every action I take, and every sound I create...
Steers clear from Commitment's words.
The laziness that envelops me takes a hold to the point of it BEING my very being.
And yet, I write this, committed to writing a story in the form of a poem.
Yet, I take the time to eat, drink, and sleep, committed to keep living.
Yet... I do everything else other than the very thing I want to be committed to.
But "Want" is not a "Need".
Even when I "Need" it feels empty.
I am no Commitment, but a Contradiction
Contradiction with no purpose, partnered with two others: Fear and Intimidation.
Fear loves Anxiety while Intimidation feasts on Judgement.
Judgement is imaginary, yet it fuels Intimidation as though it were real.
The possibility is real as it is imaginary.
As I sit here, questioning why I am committed to typing this, the devil that sits on my shoulder
rears it's hideous head once more, shouting the many truths of myself into my ear...
You are useless.
You whine at the first honest mistake you make.
You push people away because you don't want to be seen as a fool for taking someone's advice.
You think low of your skills the moment you make the slightest mistake in your art.
You can't even bother to work outside of your so called "comfort zone" in order to get what you want.
So why do you insist on trying? WHY are you trying?
How can you make a mark in the world if you don't put in the effort?
Don't you want to make yourself known?!
What are you so afraid of?!
I am afraid of Judgement.
Intimidation restricts me from wanting to do things out of my comfort zone.
Laziness pushes away commitment...
And the final nail in the coffin is...
I don't like being vulnerable...
I am a troubled Being riddled with years of mistakes
Years of miscommunication
Years of a constant struggle to ward off depression
A constant struggle to remember or DO anything
Devoid of attention whoring praise...
Brings in pity parties and yet makes fun of others for doing the same thing...
Spoken like madness mantra,
My heart screams from the abyss for freedom...
Yet, my soul pretends to feel or hear anything...
Every time my heart takes every opportunity to see the outside world, I immediately shut it out...
Just so I don't feel the reality of my own existence...
Just so I don't feel the true weight of my sadness and pain...
Just so... I don't look vulnerable.
To avoid being judged, I do nothing. I say nothing.
That way no one can judge me.
I'll be free of judgement... yet be judged on the daily.
Judgement does not give me a pass. Not even from my own.
And as Jealousy shows my false friendship with commitment,
it begins to fester into its final, most common form...
"The Green Eyed Monster"
How does one who has never experienced the monster cope with
the horrible mistakes they've made while being possessed?
There is no coping.
The monster's minions, Guilt and Regret, won't allow such a thing.
They feed off of my neglected, good natured sibling, Conscience
And pretend to act as though they ARE my Conscience.
I never listened for their pleas for help.
I feel like I'm letting everyone down.
I feel like I'm letting myself down.
I feel like a nuisance to everyone around me.
I feel like tearing myself apart to be free from my own negativity.
The more I age, the more aware I am of my own actions...
This hyper-awareness becomes more intense each year...
and it is painful.
... Why am I like this?
At this point, nobody believes me anymore...
I don't believe in myself, yet I continue to draw with short bursts of "commitment"...
I give up easily because it's all I've ever known.
Because there is too much effort to actually try and stay consistent.
Desperation is the only way I truly "commit"
Because I have no choice....
Why does that have to be the case?...
Even has I tear apart several pages listing all of the horrible traits I have no way of truly discarding from my DNA
They keep reviving themselves time and time again, as if to taunt me...
Do I enjoy my own self destruction?
My lover, Happiness, is rarely around.
There is always something preventing them from hugging me and making me feel better.
Their hugs are the only thing that make me feel better...
They would also tell me to visit Commitment, but I am always distracted by my own suffering.
I look around my room and it is a junkyard.
I make empty sounds that speak of cleaning it up...
Yet it only gets more and more cluttered by the day.
I am jealous of those who actually do something with themselves.
All of those people who actually tried and succeeded to pick themselves up from the brink of their own destruction...
All of those people who are close friends with Commitment and talk about it on the daily.
While I'm sitting in the dark, cluttered messes of my mind, wondering why I can't be friends with it either...
Because I am pathetic.