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I was driving home from Wales when I saw something white caught on a barbed wire fence. 
I pulled over, climbed a fence, tromped around in what I call prickle-bush, and saw a large male cat with his leg swelled up and caught in the wire fence. 
I placed blankets under the cat so he could at least have something to keep his upper body on. 
Rushing back to the nearest town, I wound up at a house where the owner had wire cutters and a cat carrier. She followed me back to the cat, we got it loose, but it had a broken back leg and was possibly paralyzed from the waist down. 
She took it home in the carrier and will take it to the nearest vet.
Let me tell you, those prickle bushes were created by the devil!!! I have sharp objects in my shoes, socks, pants, and flesh. 
It was totally worth a cat rescue but my heck, WHY were those things invented?! To keep people from trespassing onto private property?! Grrrr. 
I had to pull over at a gas station and bang my shoes against the side of my car and brush off my pants leg.

This same day, I held a cat with a cold. He sneezed and blew a big booger onto my medicine bottles, then sneezed again and blew an even bigger booger on my chest. ~Sighs.~ I wiped his nose for him and told him to keep his face snot-free and well groomed if he wants to be noticed by the ladies.

I heard this frantic crying off the side of the freeway and thought it was a frog near a marsh. I parked my car at the Maverick station and walked back with a blanket in hand, just to make sure it wasn't a wounded cat. Once I battled the heavy traffic and found my way over to the noise, I discovered this little guy, crouched in among the rocks and scared stiff. I picked him up and wrapped the towel around him, talking to him gently while walking back to my car. After a while he started squirming in my hands and crawled all over me on the car ride home. He was mewing loudly to let me know he was hungry and really liked rubbing his head against mine, purring and explored my shoulders. It was an instant bond between kitten and rescuer. However, I cannot have pets at my house so I called up my friend Ben who was able to feed this little guy some canned cat food and is now keeping him to raise him.
When I was a teenager, I had snapped the connection of emotions connected to my heart and have felt nothing for over fifteen years. It is until recently that I have reconnected that emotional cord through the help of an energy healing chiropractic. He had told me that my heart was running on 32% power, which explains why I had a hard time feeling love and excitement for life. Instead, anger and depression were always present, or nothing at all. I have felt liberated from depression since then and have found a new hope for life. However, since my heart is now functioning properly, I was unaware that I am able to take on other people's emotional states. I can literally feel if someone is anxiety prone for I will feel their stress headaches. I can feel the anger of someone and throw it right back at them. It doesn't feel like me at all when these things happen, but I am not expected to simply reject negative energies either, since while growing up, people with healthy hearts build up healthy heart walls that block out negative energies. I was denied that privilege and must learn how to defend myself against those. Right now I'm one big emotional raw nerve who's heart is exposed to everything all at once. 

Being tenderhearted is an understatement at this point. Anything can set me off into a fluster of tears. Hearing words from a hymnal that touch my heart when I needed it to. Someone else's pain being shared with me. Being betrayed by what I thought was a friend. These psychic attacks are intense for someone who is not used to them, and I don't expect anyone to understand what I live through on a daily basis. Luckily a friend of mine is going through the same thing, only that his healthy heart walls are raised. He is currently seeing me through it all and I am very pleased to know that he is understanding and patient with me. 

Society says to stay strong and keep all emotions together. Ha. For some, that's impossible until they learn how. I am in that phase now, and I know it makes me look unstable but I really don't care what other people think of me for I know who I am and what kind of heart I have. It's not perfect but it suits me well. 

The reason I wanted to see this energy doctor and chiropractic, is because I heard he could take down unhealthy heart walls that shield people from all energies, good and bad. The negative energies become stored within our organs and that can cause major issues such as depression, anxiety, not being able to trust others and they can form into cancer. Sounds strange I know, I was skeptical at first too. But once my heart walls were removed, I've never felt better. I now longer hate those who have seriously hurt me emotionally. I can let go of the past experiences that have haunted me and disrupted my emotions. I can now look upon those who hurt me and see who they really are without feeling guilty, angry, or sad. 

The friend who has gone through the same energy relief as I had, is also learning what real peace feels like. It is a high like no other. To feel absolutely free and joyful from being released from emotions that have weighed us down, literally. To know that the body and spirit are working in tune again is unlike anything I've ever felt. Of course we can still become hurt by others, but it's easier to forgive and forget without other weights tying us down. 

I want to apologize to those of you who are reading this, if I have ever seen distant or drawn away from you in the past. It's not that I stopped caring about you or loving you, it's just that I didn't want to disappoint you and I was weighed down by past experience that lead to hardships and negativity. I only wanted to please you and be the best friend that I could be, without knowing how. But I also know that it takes two to tango and that I may not have done things wrong, but your own weights made it hard to call a right judgement during certain times too. I forgive you and myself for those moments and I still love you. ~Hugs.~
We have huge boxes with a hole in the bottom. I went running toward one of them, not wanting to miss my opportunity to play in it. (I grew up with 25 cats. That's all the excuse you're gonna get.) On my way over to it I was saying, "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" And just jumped on in. Peter, a senior, was on his hands and knees collecting nail wrap application kits from within the box and looked over at me like, "What are you doing in here?" I just crouched down giggling, the went through the hole. Half the crowd watching was like, "The heck did I just see?" While the other half was grinning. 

When I went back to work, I'm afraid I let a little something squeak out of me. The 18-year-old blond girl was like, "Ew guys. Something does not smell yummy." -Luckily I was talking to someone at the time so I didn't give myself away by laughing. 

Later on that night, I decided to play a prank on the Jamberry bully. (That's the nickname he graciously accepted.) He's an older guy with a camouflage coat. I went up to his coat on the coat rack, tied a rubber band to each of the coat sleeves, and went back to work. After the cranky guy clocked out and collected his coat, I followed him into the lunch room where he looked puzzled as to why his hand would not slip through the sleeve. Finally he shouted, "Aw come on! Some goofball tied my coat with rubber bands!" I took off laugh-running and he shouted, "There's the culprit! The running girl!" XD

I've also been known to place bubble wrap under the mats we stand on during work. Alas, that idea didn't work as well unless we jumped up and down on the mats. 

I've also given my coworker a new nickname since Reeces Peanut Butter didn't make sense. I renamed him Shake and Blake. XD I even drew him a picture of a chicken leg and left it on his table today. I'll have to think of new ideas in the mean time.
All in one day: 

1. Quail flies into my window and scared me.

2. Car brakes failed me and I nearly crashed into the back of a truck but luckily I swerved into the turning lane and saved myself from an accident. This scared me more than the quail. 

3. Had the word "Buttlet" written in the frost on my car. Either it's an extension for one's backside to make it look bigger or someone meant "you're extraordinarily adorable" according to Urban lingo. 

4. Was told "F-you" for respectfully stating my opinion online that Bigfoot was a hoax and people admitted to it and even showed how it was done in a documentary. I didn't know this small town community girl, and coworker, believed in him as strongly as she would religion. My bad for not reading her thoughts and seeing what's in her heart. 

I must be a really horrible person to have a quail try and kill me and cut my brakeline, to have someone from work write on my windshield after suggesting that I get a 'German Shepherd puppy' for a Secret Santa gift as. a. joke, and for not believing in Bigfoot. 

Also, every Mormon that has a bad reputation or that someone has taken offense to, is automatically my fault too. Apparently I'm the spokeswoman and representative for ALL bad Mormons. ~Stands on a barstool with a loudspeaker.~ Attention people of the world! Believe it or not, Mormons are only human too! They make mistakes and not one Mormon is exactly like another! They actually DO think and feel differently about different subjects and can follow the same guidelines and beliefs just like any human about any topic! I hate to burst your perspective this way but... believe it. Or not. I don't care. ~Stands down.~ 

I think I'm going to get mauled by either a group of quail or Bigfoot assassinate me for this journal entry. If no one hears back from me in weeks, know this, that all I wanted was a puppy. A German Shepherd puppy.

Anything may appear as crazy until knowlege and testing is applied. 

 

I have already lost 35 pounds on the Forks Over Knife diet and now it is time to repair my body naturally through self-cleansing with the assistance of suppliments, elimination techniques, and therapies. In order to do this, I saw an Iridologist by the name of Nancy Coones. 

 

Iridology (also known as iridodiagnosis[1] or iridiagnosis[2]) is an alternative medicine technique whose proponents claim that patterns, colors, and other characteristics of the iris can be examined to determine information about a patient's systemic health. Practitioners match their observations to iris charts, which divide the iris into zones that correspond to specific parts of the human body. Iridologists see the eyes as "windows" into the body's state of health."

 

Here is a picture of the eyes explaining the different zones: 

 

www.lamar-price.com/wp-content…

 

From what information she read from my eyes, it made perfect sense. I have eaten imbalanced meals for over a year and a half, relying mostly on spaghetti sauce (which his highly acidic) and so the acidity levels in my body are wonky. I lack in calcium due to having given up on salads but I am going to start eating those again once I find agreeable ingredients. I have a lot of congestion due to my lymphatics going haywire and this I know because I feel clogged up even though I don't have major issues with allergies or sinus infections. I used to when I drank pasturized milk.  There's a whole list of issues that I have but my body has been telling me about these problems for years now. I just didn't have anyone to actually sit down and explain to me WHY these problems are there. 

 

From my experience, doctors only mask the problems with medications that can either destroy the problem before the body can become strong enough to eleminate the issue itself, or they ignore the underlyning issues and slap a bandaid on a gunshot wound due to their lack of knowledge over the matter. Since I never liked the, "Let's due surgery and raise the expenses without knowing the underlining cause in the first place" idea, I chose the iridologist who charged me $100 for 16 issues. Imagine going to a doctor or specialist per issue. That's more than $1,000 and that's only IF they know why the body is in such distress. 

 

Anyway, I'm keeping track of improvements and how I am going to pull this off. 

 

First, deep breathing exercises. This is part one of the 5 Pathways of Elimination.

I do this anyway and have been for the last year and a half. For some reason it relaxes me and calms the mind. I push the diaphram out when breathing in, and pulling it in when exhaling. Standing seems to be the best way to do this while breathing. I breathe in through the nose and exhale through the nose, while placing the tip of my tongue behind my teeth. -Don't know why, don't ask. 

 

Second, I am supposed to use a slant board to align my spine, raise a prolapsed colon, give aid to my circulation, spleen and kidneys and other things. It is part 2 of the 5 Pathways of Elimination. Did you know it can also help turning a breached baby?! -Now I get why some people hang upside down in movies.  Since I don't want to spend $300 on a piece of wood, I'm going to use my closet door and throw some carpet over it so I don't slide down the dang thing. I'll stay on that board for five to ten minutes and do some exercises while I'm on it. 

 

Third, brushing my skin with a soft brush to awaken the pores and get the blood flowing through it again. -I didn't even know I did not perspire because my skin had shut down. It is part 3 of the P.O.E. I thought it was normal for my body type not to sweat. Boy was I wrong. I will scrub my skin before a bath, using hot and cold water to help the blood flow. I use goats milk soap to wash so that will help detox from any harsh chemicals normal soap adds. 

 

Fourth, diet. I am watching what I eat in order to bring down the acidic levels. I must bring in more greens such as spinach, spring mix, romaine stuff. ~Sighs.~ Must fine tasty ingredients to make the salad more bearable to eat. -_- I am also going to drink kelp and try whey for the first time. I already hate kelp since I think it'll taste like seaweed. Bleh!

 

Fifth, water. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I hate water. Buuuuuut, it must be done to help my skin, scalp, and cleansing process. I will add fruit in the water to help with the lack of taste and already I drank half of a bottled water. Still hate the stuff but we'll see if that changes later. 

 

Sixth, Supplements. -Diet goes in favor with this suggestion, as well as calcium supplements and other digestive enzymes, roots, tinctures, bottled pills and such. 

 

Seventh, part 4 and 5 the 5 Pathways of Elimination. Along with the Slant board, breathing exercises and skin brushing I must also take Uva ursi to help the kidneys and urinary tract. I place two ball formed pills under my tongue each day without touching them with my hands. -Some how that keeps the energy inside them after having shaken the bottle. Still don't get it, but it sounds right to me. If the ancient Chinese get it and I don't, I'm down with that. So far, I took the pills and now I need to wait 30 minutes before eating my first meal on this diet. Woo! 

 

So here's the issues with my body that should be fixed -through dedication and discipline- through the next four months: 

 

1. Acidity. -CURSE YOU TOMATOES!!! ~Shakes fist.~ I knew spaghetti sauce was not an every day option. ~Hangs head.~ But it tastes soooo good.

2. Blood sugar fluctuations -Yeaaaaah... been cheating on my diet recently.

3. Calcium and sodium phos. loss. 

4. Congestion -Agreed. ~Rubbed sinuses.~

5. Hormone Imbalance -Dang thyroid. -_- My cat died from hers giving out.

6. Metal deposits -Explains the rust-colored ring around my iris

7. Mucus inflammation within the body. -...The what and where? O.o Ewwwwwwwww!

8. Poor digestion -For sure! I've noticed that.

9. Prolapse of the wonky colon. -I get to lay on a board for this.

10. Sinus Congestion -...HOW MUCH MORE CONGESTION CAN MY BODY WITHSTAND?!

11. Body under stress due to adrenal overactivity. ~Hangs head in shame.~ 

12. Toxicity -Step it up, colon! 

13. Underactive organs of elimination -Especially the skin and colon. ~Curses.~ 

14. ~Calcium loss has been crossed out for some reason.~

15. Peritoneum congestion. -Again, how much more... wait, what's "peritoneum?" ~Reads.~ Oh, lining of abdomen inflamed. c.c Stress, perhaps?

16. Low blood levels/poor circulation. -Lack of exercise and ... vampires?

 

As you can see, I have a LOT to cure. Already I took the first pills (under my tongue) to kick start my day. So far they taste great! And now I'm waiting 30 minutes before I can eat after taking the pills. 

 

I'm also making a calendar showing me WHAT I should be eating every day. Dunno why I chose to write it all down when I can copy and paste the info on it. c.c Here I go!

Saturday I suffered through what I thought was the second worst acid reflux attack I had since four weeks ago. I ate around 11:30 p.m. and climbed into bed around one a.m., knowing that I should get approximately three hours of digestion time in before settling into bed; however tired I was. Around two in the morning I began throwing up my dinner as a side effect of my stomach acid climbing back up through the esophagus, making it feel like acid was burning away at my sternum. I suffered all the way to seven in the morning when I decided enough was enough. I woke my mom and told her I needed to go to the hospital. She woke my dad who drove us, and at once I was being evaluated to see what exactly was wrong with me. The medicine they gave me did not help much, for it was a triple combo of what tasted like pepper lotion that was supposed to numb the throat but it only numbed my tongue. On a scale from one to ten, the pain factor was an eight or nine with ten being the highest. There was no comfort in sitting, laying, standing or remaining still or moving. I just rocked back and forth in having nothing else to do and rubbed at the area that was giving me the most pain.


The nurses said if that triple cocktail of medicine did not work, it might not be acid reflux. So I had an ultrasound where the technition scanned below my ribs and began checking different areas on his computer screen, indicating that he had found something, then pressed down in certain areas asking me if it hurt on the left or right side of me. I winced and yelped when the fingers found the swollen area under my sternum on the right and sent me back to the emergency room where I was told they needed more blood work done in order to see if my gall bladder was having issues and sure enough, it was.. It was inflamed three times more normal than a regular gallbladder and that I should have surgery done immediately.


Meanwhile, next door to me, a man was screaming, “I don’t want to be here! Don’t touch me! Just kill me!” -It turns out that he was a psyche ward patient and the nurse mentioned to me that they come in rather frequently. I remembered my days as an unregistered nurse and how much danger I was put in just to be in the same room as them, and simply hoped that security was there or that the man would stay where he was until I could get out of there.


Luckily I was moved upstairs where about seven other people asked me the same questions and poked my gallbladder with their fingers while asking, “What’s your date of birth? On a scale from one to ten, what is your pain level at? Where is your pain?” I am surprised that they acted more like an ant colony than a hospital sending each other texts of information from one person to the next. But my patience kicked in and I asked the same repeated questions and over again until I reached the waiting room where the anesthesiologist came in and told me what was going to happen. Then Dr. Watts came in and mentioned that he would be operating on me and if I had any questions for him. I asked, “Have you ever dropped an organ on the ground before? May I keep mine or the gall stones? May I have a picture taken of them in case I can’t?” I think I stunned him with the first question but he smiled and replied with, “Not yet and no since the gallbladder has become a biohazard since two years ago, we just incinerate them.” I then asked, “Are you sure the gallbladder won’t be sent to a science lab or turned into dog food? I’m pretty sure that’s what jerky is made of. I should be able to keep those stones because I bet if I polish them up, I can turn them into pearls. That what the gallbladder did, right? Produced toxic pearls? Them's mah pearls because I made them."


Well, they removed my gallbladder and I was told it contained 100 gallstones inside, when normally most patients only have one or two. Later on a nurse said they were just pockets of fat stored up. I was informed that a second surgery would be needed for the next day in order to get a blocked duct out, since a gallstone was trapped within it. My doctor for the procedure was a shorter man from Syria who spoke really fast. Thank goodness I watch foreign television, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to have caught anything that he said.


This procedure was more awkward than the first. I had to lay on my stomach with my head turned to the right while they stuck a mouth clamp into my mouth to keep me from biting down on the camera during surgery. I woke up thirty minutes later like nothing happened at all. I was sent back to my room where once again they put me on Tylenol instead of morphine, wrapped expanding air devices on my calves, and told me to walk around the hospital four times that day, same as yesterday.


What ever those leg-huggers were, they would tighten like an air pressure pump then release after a few seconds in order for my legs to force blood through them. Every now and then I would wake up due to them moving and thought my dachshund Koko was stretching and pushing against me or that an anaconda was slithering by. My imagination did not stop there. Oh no. My mom brought in iris flowers and set them in a vase on the window ledge. When I looked out at the night, the flower’s silhouette looked like E.T. the alien was peeking in through my window. That is seriously the last time I watch a Hollywood movie before going to sleep in a hospital. -_- It was Gladiator, by the way, and I only viewed maybe twenty seconds of it before turning off the television.


Anyway, pressure from my stomach was mounting ever since the operation, because the doctors had slipped air into me which, bloated me like a balloon. They tried to remove most of the air after they were done searching for my gallbladder, but what was left over had risen up to my shoulders and put pressure there. Walking around would help that air travel back down to my intestines some how and eventually I would be able to expel it. However, the nurses told me that I would not be able to remove the air right away, so I am feeling tons of air bubbles running through my stomach which my brain translated the feeling into tiny moles digging their way through one intestine through to the other.


I didn’t get much sleep since the nurses checked my vital signs every hour of the night the first night, and the doctor came in to check my stitches. Two friends of mine, Mari and Katie, came in on the first day of surgery and left me with their father’s Kindle. With that, I was able to update my status and let my friends know what was going on with the operation.


The next day they returned to check in on me. They were soon familiar with the patients next door. The first neighbor was a grandmother who sounded like she was underwater when she spoke, and was coughing up a storm, while someone from across the hall sounded like a happier version of a psyche ward patient who was shouting, “Can I get some more ice water? Go for the hundreds and millions!” -As you can imagine, he was probably watching a game show at that point and I was desperately trying not to laugh. Mari told me, “Close your ears!” -Which made me laugh even harder. I groaned and held my stomach in pain while trying to imagine something that was not funny. Katie said, “Dead puppies” which was unexpected and it made me laugh even more. (Mind you that I don’t actually find them funny but a well-timed unintended joke does.) Some how I imagined Hitler’s mustache and that helped calm things down. Well, after a brief giggle fit, I went into the bathroom where I could hear, “Where’s Gena?” Mari said, “She’s in the bathroom.” Katie then replied with, “Hurry it up!” I answered back, “I’m trying to escape out the back!” Katie asked, “With your I.V. still attached?”  I replied with, “I can chew through it!”


When I opened the door to the latrine, I saw Lacy and her husband, Michael standing in the doorway. Lacy handed me a stuffed mouse that has Velcro on it’s paws so it can grip things and dangle from them. It was a white mouse named Feta. She gave me advice on what to do next and what not to do which I may have to try out later if there are minor annoyances with the trapped air in my shoulders. But she and Michael soon left and . were replaced by my parents. When Mari and Katie left, Chynna dropped in and had me chuckling and said in a very saddened voice, “I’m a horrible friend for making you laugh when you’re not suppose to.” She took out her fancy and technical drawing pad and drew me a German Shepherd wearing shades, her step-uncle’s buggy-eyed dachshund/Jack Russell named Romeo, and her imaginary character Larry hugging me. Later on that day, a neighbor of mine stopped in and gave me a card with a sun picture on it. I thanked her and let her know that I felt fine but I was craving chicken fingers really strongly, even though I haven’t had them in over a year. She told me we ought to go to Wingers and get some when I feel better but quite honestly I don’t know how well my body would react to greasy food after having been eating organic for so long. Grilled chicken however, that does well with me. And at one point during the night, some yahoo bought fast food which smelled like Arbys and I was starving! Practically went 48 hours without food just to smell roast beef on a bun. ~Tears.~ And later on that day while I was walking around the hopsital, someone had Mcdonalds and I wanted homemade organic fries with cheese and spaghetti sauce with flakes of cilantro, cooked with olive oil. :3


I got back to my room and distracted myself with Facebook and Youtube videos of Scrubs. NOT A GOOD IDEA. I did fine through the videos of JD and Janitor dressing up as clowns to make the kids laugh, but once Dr. Cox called a leather-tanned man a purse, I laughed. And while on the topic of Scrubs, my Aussie friend asked me if the hospital I was staying in was anything like the Scrubs hospital, of which I replied, “No not really. But there was a male nurse riding a cart, inappropriately, down the hall and that is as close to JD as anyone could get.”

Later on that morning around three a.m., one of the nurses came in sighing about how it was Memorial Day, as if she was disappointed. I was sooo tired from lack of sleep but was able to comfort her woes in not being able to visit her father's grave since he passed away four years ago. -Does anyone else find this odd to be comforting a nurse that early in the morning and handing out sympathy? I must be one of those types that people know they can unload and won't be judged. Which is true. But 3 in the morning and after resting from surgery? Lol.

In the morning I was able to compare reality with Scrubs, the series, where they were right about how doctors only give patients 15 seconds of time to talk so they can hear and solve the diagnosis. The Syrian Surgeon came in, babbled what I should do for the next few days and moved onto the next patient. I had a good chuckle over that, while Dr. Watts came in and used up two minutes to explain to me that I was on a liquid diet for the morning and if all goes well, I could eat normal by dinner time, but no spicy food or greasy foods.


Gladly I went on a liquid diet the second day and had strawberry and orange jell-o along with apple juice. Since that went well with me, my mom brought in applesauce and I guzzled that down and was dispersed from the care of the nurses once my I.V. had popped out, allowing me to leave quickly. The nurse was surprised by it suddenly rising up and I was confused since they don’t normally do that but then again I was free baby!


Once I got home, the Tylenol started to wear off and the pain slowly crept in. It’s noticeable enough for me to move slowly and cautiously but getting in and out of bed while having to use those stomach muscles is what puts strain on the stitches. My neighbors have seen me walking around with a  coat on and some pajama bottoms because lets face it people, garments are great but any other kind of restricted underclothing is too tight, especially in the area that was operated on. I move like a 90-year-old woman or a crow that has been hit by a car. What’s worst is learning that I had a tickle in my throat and I could not cough. :s Thaaaaat sucked.


Since it’s Memorial Day, I was hoping that the police officer parked outside of the graveyard would leave me alone. I can see him coming up to me asking, “Ma’am are you alright?”  “Yes sir, I just came from surgery.” As I hold up my wrist bands explaining that I have been operated on, a patient, and that I had allergens to food. -My diet. “Are you an out patient?” The officer would ask and call into the hospital to see if I was an escape, just in case my story did not fully check out. “Yes sir, I was discharged today around noon.” I say as I try to shuffle away. Luckily, Mari and Katie were there to walk me around the block, slowly mind you, and fed me home prepped sushi in between watching The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. So no bothering by the officer, no refusal of foods from my stomach so far, and I was able to get in my daily walks and breathing which I must explain how weird that equipment is.


It’s called a Voldyne 2500 which to me looks like a breathalyzer. -Not that I’ve ever had to use one but you get the point. The strange contraption lets me suck air from a blue hose while a piece of plastic moves up from the air pressure, rating my level of breathing while listing the inspired volume of pressure I should be breathing at. My goal for now is 1000 but I have gone higher. Anyway, this thing keeps me from getting pneumonia by forcing my lungs to breathe harder than normal and some how that works. I have to breath ten breaths on this fake breathalyzer every hour unless I am sleeping. When I am not breathing, I am supposed to go on four walks not only to get the air from my lungs, but to prevent blood clots from forming. -Not my favorite thing to be moving around right now.


I was told that I may return back to work within a week but let’s face it, I won’t be fast at Zupas so I might as well be out of work for two or three. I am not allowed to lift fifteen pounds until July 10th, which is a hindrance for working in a kitchen. All in all I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the stomach by a scalpel in four different areas and… oh wait, that really DID happen. But I am stitched, taped up and slowly on the road to recovery.  
I blame Chynna for liking men in trench coats, whether it's Agent Mulder from the X-Files or Constantine from the comic book series, to Castiel from Supernatural. What is it about guys and trench coats that make them so appealing? Is it the five o' clock shadow and the dark hair that gets me? Is it the role of the underdog that is attractive? Ooh, or maybe it's the idea that cowboys wear dusters and the trench coat is like an updated version of those. <3 Because Dick Tracy isn't an under dog but he wore a trench coat. He also had the dark hair and  was a strong detective. It's gotta be my love of cowboys. 

Mari was right! Typing out my thoughts really does help solve questions. XD But now the mystery of why I love guys in trench coats is no longer a mystery. That's like finding out how a magic trick works! >.< There's no surprise any more. Goth dang it. 
Note to self: Trial by Faith is understood by those who have gone through them themselves, but not everyone will understand.

So I've been preparing and planning for an earthquake for the last few months and I finally got everything organized and planned... just for it not to happen. 
I taped plastic sheeting over the windows to keep the glass from shattering and shooting out at me. We filled our water supply and built shelves to protect against an earthquake. Sandbags were brought in to prevent flooding, the downstairs door was taped with plastic to keep flood water out. I moved the food up from the basement and into my closet. All precious items have been packed away safely. All this was finished by 6:45 in the morning. Important documents are stored where they should be and I even had protective bike-riding gear, a helmet, and nail-proof gloves. When 9:50 am came, my alarm went off, I got dressed in my gear, grabbed my journal and started recording my thoughts to record the time the earthquake hit. Only it didn't. 

Confused and worried that it might come later, or that I had received the wrong information, I prayed. The answer came as, "Go back to bed, get a father's blessing." 

So I went back to sleep and woke up around three thirty when my dad had also woke up. He had spent all night awake, camping with my brother and had noisy neighbors so he was just as exhausted as I was. The blessing said, "Do not worry about what others think of you. You are among one of the faithful daughters and this was a trial in your life to prepare you for things that may come." -I really needed to hear that it was a trial, but I am not familiar with dealing with them. To me, it sounds like I was deceived into preparing over something that would not happen and I warned all my friends about it just to look crazy? But that's just it. For those who are willing to listen, they will take into account my feelings and heed the warning in case there really was one. If the Spirit tells them not to worry, then they won't worry about it. For those who aren't willing to listen, they will learn the hard way and find life to be an even bigger struggle. I quickly learned who my true friends were and who were really willing to listen to my concerns and find answers for themselves. I had friends who showed me they wouldn't attempt to find the truth for themselves but I love them anyway. And I learned which friends who would just as quickly turn their backs on me for not understanding how trials work. 

This was a huge leap of faith for me. I battled with this knowledge for months and was willing to obey no matter what I felt or thought. Now comes the humiliation of facing those I tried to protect by warning them. It was not their trial by faith, but my own. Lesson learned, don't give out specific dates or times when things will happen, but just to remind them to be prepared for any emergency. 

I also learned that my mentor is human and although she thinks she is right, she is not always correct. This trial very well could have taken a huge chunk out of her pride to humble her and let her see that she is not entirely accurate. I like that plan. It shows that all humans have folly and that we are not perfect but we must continue to go by faith and try our darndest to be as close to perfect as we can. It also allows me breathing room to not try and be as "perfect" as my mentor for I don't want to be an extremist in perfection. Being me is who I should be. If I can love people and accept them and their mistakes but continue loving and teaching them into changing at their own pace then so be it. I won't shut down around them for "being better" for that is not how it should be. It's not in my nature to turn my back on others. It is a strength I have to see other's as who they are, not what they do or to just judge them by how they behave for that is not who they really are. My weakness is to become frustrated when I want to help someone but they won't help themselves, although I am learning to let that go. 

All in all, no earthquake. I passed the trial/test. No one died and I can stop stressing over the idea that someone was going to get hurt today. I know who my real friends are and who else is going through what I am going through and I will support them but take what they say with a grain of salt; even my promptings.
I've been told that I'm special and for the life of me I can't see through others eyes in order to convince myself that I could be. So this entry is pretty much me trying to figure myself out. 

1. Lucky me, I've always been able to see from both sides of the fence and settle with my own opinion. So if someone says something to me, not only can I relate to them but I can also relate to those object to the first opinion. Having a third opinion not only settles arguments but it sheds new light on other options as well. For instance, having grown up with brothers but being raised as female, I can tell what guys really mean to say vs. what a girl would typically hear. When a man says, "It doesn't matter..." -He's not saying, "You're opinion is invalid" he is trying to say, "In this particular case you are making a problem when there shouldn't be one. Here's the plain and simple solution." -To a girl, she could get offended and close down for not having her opinion validated, and the guy will be left wondering what he did wrong when in his mind, he was only helping. 

2. I can relate to anything due to having experienced a lot in life and I am able to connect one thing to another. For instance, if someone tells me that they enjoy garden decor with rocks, I will let them know that I love Japanese rock gardens and would love to have one some day. Sure I never actually threw one together but I have a broad interest in things and I figure that's all you really need in order to relate to people. Find a few things that they like and amplify them with your own interest to open up others for bonding, but show that you really care about them and well, that's how friendships are made. 

3. Animals love me. I believe it's because they can sense that I am open and friendly into meeting them or people in general. But unlike people, animals are more forgiving and willing to please. Not only can I see the animal's simple ways of thinking, I can mimic it and that usually cheers up the animal into believing I get them as much as they want to get me; in the sense of understanding them. Of course this is a challenge to the both of us for guessing is what I am really doing. Observing and mimicking their behavior, voice and movements can be disastrous or a pleasant experience. If an animal is mad, the last thing you want to do is mimic them for it riles them up even more.

4. I've been told that I have a way of writing, although I am not entirely sure as to what that means. Perhaps it's my ever expanding imagination and flow of words? What I write is fascinating to some due to having a gift of writing. I use a colorful assortment of words although it's hard for me to see this because I am used to what I write. I will have to compare myself to other authors to really figure this one out. 

5. I am able to forgive others although it is hard to forgive myself. Granted, this could be a girl's motherly instincts to forgive in general but I seem to take it a step farther and want to protect those who have hurt me. So if a friend upsets me and I am cross with them, I will still open doors for them and make sure they stay warm in my car if the heater needs to be adjusted. Don't most people say, "Forget you!" and stop caring when angry? 

6. So far I know that I have been blessed or cursed with the gift of being able to see both good and bad spirits. Mind you that it's not something I can just turn off and on, but more like, "Oh there's someone over there. Friend or foe?" Ever since I was younger I could sense something there whether it be human or animal. The more I focus on the source of energy the more prominent they become. All people are able to "see" intangible others but it does take a great deal of practice. Ever get that feeling that someone is watching you? Well, they probably are.

7. I get utterly thrilled when others are close to being like me. If they have spiritual gifts and talents, it makes me happy that they are trying to become better people and use their gifts for the good of mankind. It's even cute when they attempt to help me but I am more in tune with the gifts than they are. Like me, I have a general concern and love of everyone, and to see others care just as deeply as I do lets me know that I am not alone; as rare as charitable people are. 

8. My imagination itself is a wonder. Any sound will create an image in my head, allowing me to "see" what noise was made. Obviously anyone can hear a car horn and think "car" but when when I hear something, it tells a story of what is making the noise, what that thing looks like, what that thing is doing and what created it. Granted, if my brain doesn't know, it creates a crazy story all on it's own which is usually highly entertaining. For instance, while I was working at the Nestles Factory, I heard a screech coming from behind clothes doors. That was the exact same screech I heard the velociraptors make on Jurassic Park and assumed the worst. Of course no one at work believed me that dinosaurs were beyond our work area. Nor did they even recognize the sound. 

9. Attention to detail. I notice EVERYTHING that goes on around me. Music, people's conversations, the sights, sounds and smells of my environment. Energy, the weather. Combine all these things and they alone can tell a story. I tend to notice the happenings of every day life which comes in handy at work. If I hear hissing, something has become unplugged. If there's beeping, something is wrong with the machines. It's a very handy gift for making sure things run smoothly, as well as being another form of entertainment. Like when I listen to a cd suggesting that I "Jump in the water" and I pass an advertisement on a billboard suggesting that I go to Seven Peeks, I like to pretend that the world is toying with me. "Enjoy water, go on, you know you want to." 

10. Clever. Being clever is fun and all but it's also very lonely when no one can match wits with me. It's hard to fall in love with an idiot and it's even harder to laugh at someone's failed attempt at a groaner joke. Try knowing the ending to a joke halfway through the joke itself and laughing before anyone else could hear the punchline. I love being clever, but I wish there were others who could teach me something new for a change. 

Now, I know my strengths and weaknesses in life, but it would be nice if others could see how amazing I can be. For the most part I do love people, but they tend to go after role models only. Do they not realize that they themselves are role models for others? Everyone has something to offer to society, but it seems like society only wants the best of the best. Confidence. Perfection. Positive attitude. -People don't realize that all of those come in time. All of those need to have practice before they can become close to perfect. If something feels comfortable and familiar,  people tend to cling to that object or someone and drop everything else that is unimportant in their lives. Why not see the good in everything, including the bad? Learn from it. What works in your life and what doesn't? How can you grow from it? What can it teach you without you letting it conquer and control you or drag you down? The more we understand life, the easier it is to live it. The easier it is to love and truly appreciate others. The easier it is to be human.
I have prayed about it and I have had the inspiration to stop role playing. What I never knew was that when we grow up, we get these emotional and subconscious triggers. In my life, I wanted to find an answer to putting a stop to what ails me by creating characters I want to become, who can handle these triggers better than I could. However, I never realized that those were who my characters were. 

Sye was a character I picked up from a book called The Silver Kiss. He became the anti-hero, the unsocial guy who ends up saving the day and being right in the end. I didn't realize that his personality slowly became mine when people refused to listen to me in business situations, friendships, and in spirituality. I also felt like becoming him when ever I was scared and I would imagine him there beside me, thus becoming my courage, boldness, and fearless leader. -His downfall was to push others away and never let anyone into his heart so they couldn't die or leave him. 

April was the perfect woman everyone wanted. She is strong but lean, not afraid to show the world who she is and what she's got. She gets only the best of the best to marry and doesn't mind what others think about her for she loves who she is. She has all kinds of rewards from rodeos, has high scores in schooling, and isn't afraid to speak her mind. Did I mention she's a devoted Christian? Her needs were wanting to have someone to love and yet she didn't get that with Jack, but with Prince John she did. 

Seth was the handsome one who had a kind heart, was just as fearless as his sister and also had high marks in schooling and shooting, rodeos and ranching. He never lowered his morals for anyone and encouraged everyone else to live them as well. He never broke the law. His downfall was to occasionally lose his temper when it came to pride.

Lymeria was my fun-loving, energetic, playful and creative jester who excelled in song, poetry, acrobatics, art, and performing. She's everything my creative side loved about me. What limitless things I could do if I really wanted to. Not ever caring about what others thought as long as I made people laugh. -She never could marry Allan A Dale.

Alice/Alison-The humble and more quiet side of me. Always letting others have fun while I played it safe. She held back having fun out of fear of getting hurt. No one really wanted her since she was the quiet one and  not as girly as all the others. But she was the peace-maker, kind and understanding which let others feel befriended. -Her downfall? She's not fun enough.

Justin the Unicorn was originally Nel's character. On a Scrubs episode, JD imagines himself sitting on a toy unicorn named Justin, asking what professional field he should go into. Since JD is a representation of her Vampire Diaries character's personality, Damon. Damon tried to steal a stuffed unicorn from a friend once so she gave him a blue unicorn. He named it Justin and I created an account for him. And there you go. Justin's personality became more apparent when he started to get a little mischievous. I based him off of the Irish goblin called the Pooka. They are known to play pranks on people but Justin's not as innocent as he looks. He likes humbling others into being better so they realize their mistakes. He's a happy-go-lucky shapeshifter with magic he only uses for good. His downfall is that he's a manipulator. 

I can find all of my personalities in these characters giving or taking some that don't belong in there. But the truth is, through them I have discovered some of my flaws once I sit back and look for them. For instance, April never was married to Jack, Alice never was married to Matty, Alison hasn't become married to Victor either. These three women play into my fear of never being able to get married in real life and it freaks me out. I do know that there will be two opportunities for marriage in my future and that fear is silly and nasty. Fear of never being loved comes from low self esteem, feeling like I'm not good enough due to being told so by my family (not on purpose), and in knowing that I push guys away due to having fear of starting a family. At first I couldn't figure out why it bothered me so much why Jack wouldn't marry April, until I made the connection that April was my trigger, my NEED to be married. To end my loneliness and jealousy of other couples. Once I realized this, my need for April to get married stopped entirely. Once I knew I would be married, I shed that jealous part of me, that skeptical wondering if I was good enough, and I embrace the idea that yes, there is someone out there who will love me for who I am and that I haven't been married before because it would not have been to the right guy.

As for the others, I should be able to pin point the triggers and put a stop to them so that I can stop fixating on what I "need" and grow more spiritually. Triggers are what cease our progression along with fears and pride, doubts and anger. Once I cut away all these chords that bind me to the negative wants and emotions, I'll be able to lead a normal life. 

As I look around me, I can see how many people cling to their chords for not knowing what else to do with their lives. They deny themselves happiness and freedom from being tied down by negativity. If only I had learned to let go of these stupid triggers earlier on in life, I wouldn't have so many now. 

But to stop my story writing? To stop being creative with the ones I love? My heart is so heavy to turn away from them without fully understanding why. It feels wrong to continue on this way, now that I know better. And there are tears in my eyes while I am typing this. I feel like I am betraying the ones I have just made friends with and with those whom I have been friends with for over a year, but it just feels necessary to let go. And me not wanting to disappoint them is sadly another trigger I must work on. Caring for others isn't a bad thing, but to go out of my way and do everything that I can for someone is, especially when they didn't ask for any help. It's unfair for me to keep helping when no one wants help and to keep feeding into their triggers by continuing the role plays with them. I will stop entirely by the end of the month of July. Let's see if I can see a change.
  • Listening to: Some sort of saw, also a dog barking.
  • Reading: Supernatural RPG.
  • Watching: Youtube
  • Playing: Nothing
  • Eating: Peas and cereal
  • Drinking: Cereal milk

I'm impressed about just how much the Asians are in tune with a lot of the ancient truths, but they are missing a lot of the information as well. For instance, people and animals are mammals, although humans have a higher intellect and purpose. But since both are mammals, there are a lot of traits and characteristics that we have in common. 
I for one, have two animals that define me very well. One, the Malayan Sun Bear. They are the smallest species of bear and have a U-shaped mark on their chest. Things we have in common? We have poor eyesight but a good sense of smell. Sun bears have been seen walking around in pairs which has observers believing they are monogamous. They are also known as the Dog Bear. The bear-like qualities that I have are nurturing, curious, a wanderer, strength, inner knowing, creative, playful, water loving, and spirited. 

Funny thing about that title, my second animal is the German Shepherd. Loyal, a protective guardian, clever and one who needs to be mentally stimulated as well as has to have something to keep busy with, a hard worker, willing to please, and not to mention that my hair is gold and I wore a lot of black going up, plus I have a beauty mark in the same spot a German Shepherd would. XD 

I have always loved German Shepherds for they were my first favorite kind of dog breed. Then I added husky and the Welsh Corgi to that group and go figure, they all look like a cousin to the wolf or fox, as does the German Shepherd. But I was never fond of bears until I read The Golden Compass of which there is a polar bear involved. Then I liked Polars, pandas, koalas and other odd bear-like animals when I grew mature.

I will add more to this entry when I have more time.

Fun notes: 

The Malayan name for the Sun Bear is basindo nan tenggil which means "he who likes to sit high".

My friends, whom I have prayed over to know for CERTAIN of what they are, have been known to me as: 

Future Husband #1: Jackal and Cheetah

Future Husband #2: Bob Cat and Impala 

Daughter: Quarter Horse and Cougar

Son: Husky and Arctic Fox

Daughter #2: Lemur and Gazelle 

Boyd: Ox -Stubborn, indecisive, strong willed when needs be, clumsy, friendly.
Chynna: Chimpanzee and Angel fish -Artistic, witty, emotional. 
Meg: Old English Sheep Dog and Blue Heron. 
Richard Armitage: Hyena who lets the females dominate him. Low self-esteem. 
Rigby: Harp Seal -Aggressive when defensive, pear-shaped, hands larger than usual. Also a Samoyed Dog. -Friendly, loves kids and other dogs, territorial. 
Seth: Quail, Rabbit
LG: Tiger -Golden Eagle
Justin: Unicorn -Free spirited, fun-loving, optimistic. Pooka-An Irish Goblin who loves mischief.
Zack: Red Cardinal
 
Mom: Panda
Dad: Bull / Ox (male)

God: Snake and ? (Has not been known just yet.)
Jesus: Snake and Peregrine falcon
Devil: Coral snake and black dragon
  • Listening to: Computer humming
  • Reading: Batman RPs
  • Watching: Nothing
  • Playing: Castleville
  • Eating: Nothing
  • Drinking: Does swallowing fear count?
12/4/2012
4:50 AM

A brown, 12 legged bug crawled up my wall with legs like a cockroach but the body was like a cricket.
Heart pounding, anxiety over Dr. Sondrup taking too much money from bank account after having seen him, bank statements haven't come back, got a letter from Citibank saying I can't have any more global transfers, lack of food.
  • Listening to: A shovel digging?
  • Reading: I really should read more.
  • Watching: Pete's Dragon
  • Playing: Castleville and Pet Society
  • Eating: Enthusiasm
  • Drinking: Does swallowing fear count?
Sunday was like any other typical day when I brought Possum Pete to church. I had absentmindedly stuck him in my purse pocket a week ago, and after a brief hunt for chapstick, I had found him again. Overjoyed that my long (~coughs~) lost possum had been found again, I refused to let him out of my sight for the day.

So I hung him from the relief society chairs, stuck him on passerby's shoulders and asked if I could have him back, and wound up sticking him on Bishop Harding's head as a "rug." It was then he decided he wanted to speak with me.

My eyes got large because earlier I had a feeling I would get called into another church position, for it seems to happen every time I feel like exploring outside of Utah for a change. Heck I even ducked down behind the pews when they were talking about releasing some people from their callings and then having people stand to accept their callings.

Ever see that movie Aliens where the alien has it's tail wrapped around someone's neck and the guy gets shoved up against the glass to whisper, "Releeeeease meeeee?" That's exactly how I felt.

So after church I went to his office, hung Possum Pete from his doorknob and awaited my fate. Sure enough he opened the door, complimented me on the new door decor and let me enter his office.

Since Pete has velcro on the end of his tail, I stuck him on the bishop's wall and entered the office before taking my seat.  He released me from the Ward Employment Specialist and the Emergency Preparedness Chair Captain, allowing me to keep the title of Indexter since that's not a real job requirement, more like a hobby, and asked, "How would you like to become the new ward missionary?"

At first I wasn't sure what that entailed but after a few words of, "You'll get a Preach the Gospel manual and a list of names of members who don't really go to church any more, not to mention a companion. Now unlike our missionaries, you could have a boy or girl companion."

I could have squee'd for joy then and there because I knew I would go on a mission some day, just not within the age group that most people go on missions. I thought that maybe in my older years like when I was 70 I'd go but this soon?

I'm scared and excited at the same time because I have a list of people to reach rather than going forth blindly and guessing if I should talk to someone or not.

The best part is I know I'm ready for the job because despite my monthly cantankerous growlings about society, I actually love people. I do care for them even if it doesn't come across that way. And who better to speak with those who may not be living the Gospel principles? I get along great with people like that! :D Of course I also know that I could be facing harsh feelings of people who hate the church but that is where understanding and patience begins.

All I have to do is meet with a certain amount of people each Sunday and try to bring them back to the church. But I'll work on befriending them first. :)

I wonder if I'll wear a name tag or if I must wear a skirt? Who will be my companion? It's freaking exciting and there will be more to come. :)
  • Listening to: North &amp; South Soundtrack
  • Reading: Book of Mormon
  • Watching: &quot;Look back at me....&quot;
  • Playing: Castleville and Pet Society
  • Eating: Nothing for now
  • Drinking: Humility
I know we've all heard this before but it's good to just let it all out every now and then. SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST TOO DANG SENSITIVE!  A good example of this would be the following stories:

First of all I am an entertainer and trickster. Making people laugh and poking fun at friends is what I am known for.

Tonight a friend posted an image of about seven army soldiers silhouetted in front of a sunset. The title was, "Why wish for a knight in shining armor when you can have real men in combat boots and camo?"

For those who do know, know that I am a huge fan of mythology and shows such as Merlin. So jokingly I said, "Knights are better. ;)" My friend knew that I was kidding and replied with, "Noooooo." I then said, "I prefer knights in movies over military movies. You can keep your guys and I'll keep my knights." And I was thinking about Lancelot and Arthur at this time when an ex-military man saw the post and put me into place by assuming I did not respect those in the military for giving up their lives to bring Americans freedom and that I shouldn't take the matter so lightly. He was one of the "knights" that fought for America and said I should think twice before dismissing the military." -Although that was no where nearly heated as the conversation ran.

I replied with, "Sir I mean no disrespect for the military and was not talking about any real soldiers or knights when I commented. I do not make light of those in the armed forces for my grandfather served in WW2, my best friend is in the coast guard, and my uncle was in the marines. I do like poking fun at Shannon for she is my friend and she knows that I mean no disrespect. I am just a fan of fantasy and medieval shows and that is what I was referring to."

My friend leaped in and told the man to knock it off but eventually deleted the conversation.

Once again I apologized and said that I did not mean any harm, which she knew, but I swear this is becomming a curse for me that no matter what I mean, there is always someone out there who gets easily offended by misinterpreting what I said. I understand that I most likely seemed childish in not caring for the armed forces and came across as someone who thumbed my nose at them, but if he really knew my intensions he would know that I do not like war, though it is a neccessary evil when our families and homes are attacked.

Another example is when I once worked where team work was a must but not everyone seemed to agree. I watched a young woman place her drink into the fridge with her name written on it. While she was away, a young guy opened the fridge and took the drink out, saw the name and said, "She loves me, she won't mind that she gave her drink to me since I'm dying of thirst." And with that the guy drank half of it and set it back into the fridge. When I saw the young woman return, she was not pleased at finding her drink half gone but said nothing about the matter. Later on when we were in car together, the young guy turned on the radio where Metallica was playing. I happily said, "I love this song!" And the young guy turned the station after my comment. It was clear that he was a selfish attention-seeker who hides behind a false god-like personna because he had no self esteem and far too much pride. I mentioned this to a coworker and they said, "You hate him just because he's gay?" Yes it was clear the boy was gay, though being a jerk does not come from being gay, nor did I say it.

And a third example is when I was telling someone that  I prefer feudal Japan's traditions over some other country. She to began to tell me that she had neighbors from that other culture and that she loved and respected them. But I never said I did not respect her neighbors for coming from that culture. I never said those people were bad people. I simply said I prefer certain countries over another due to the lack of interest in the second culture's past and present. I do not like how Japan has become more adopted to electronics and consumerism when compared to the life of the geisha, samurai, and ancient monk.

Being proven wrong over this subject matter would be like having someone eat broccoli the rest of their life even though they don't care for the taste. Especially when they can have pizza, or nachos, or beef instead. Surely no one shouts at people who dislike the taste of broccoli? That would be ridiculous. I do not date a particular culture because it would not be fair to marry someone only to say, "I do not care for your food, music, clothes, festivals, or language compared to others but I love you for who you are." -How could anyone say this without offense? It has been proven that races are most comfortable with their own kind and that they get along better when they have a lot in common. Certainly people have married outside of their race or society and that is fine too since all humans are equal. In my eyes they are too. And to really love someone would be to accept their culture and become a part of it when married to them. However I do not plan to marry them, and I accept that they are people just like me, but I also accept that Americans are not the most beloved people on the planet either. But I know better than to argue with them over how right or wrong they are for no one is 100% right all the time and I just flat out respect people's opinions as long as they are respectful to begin with.

Mind you that I do speak some of that culture's language, and I have friends from that particular country, and I respect them, but I simply prefer other tastes. That does not make a person racist and differences in likes and dislikes are perfectly normal though people have seemed to have forgotten this. I have been called racist for not wishing to sleep with three boys in particular who just so happened to have dark skin. It was obvious that they have made a bet to see which one could sleep with me first, and I calmly explained to them that I am not the type of woman who beds someone outside of marriage, nor was I willing to marry anyone I did not know, love, or trust. To save their pride they through the racist card at me and walked away. I do not care if they were white, purple, or even another species for I have morals that I believe suit me just fine. And for those who don't agree are not considered less of a man or woman than me for what they do with their lives is their choice. And I choose to leave them be and hope I get the same respect.

The reason I do not like discussing things with people who seem to fly off the handle at the drop of a hat is because I know there is no sense in trying to bring in sense once an argument has started. Instead, they may think what they want of me but I know who I am, what I believe in and that God knows me better than anyone. These are most important when it comes to disagreements and it is sad that others must feel so on guard by a simple discussion that it quickly turns to mistrust, anger and defensive accusations.  Granted we all say things that come out wrong. I know that it happens all the time. But when those times do happen, people should not judge and be quick to forgive rather than be quick to anger. How much easier would life be if that were true? Then again I wouldn't have a journal entry either if that were the case. ;)

And I believe this calls for another humble cleansing of 24 hours of silence even though to me it may seem a bit too extreme. But hey, humility works wonders.
  • Listening to: The Walking Dead S02E04
  • Watching: The Walking Dead
  • Playing: Pet Society
  • Eating: Halloween candy
Woo hoo! I entered 4th Dimension Entertainment's pumpkin carving contest featuring Zib from Lackadaisy and got second place along with four others! :D I'm pretty happy about earning fifty dollars worth of free merchandise for I really want the first two volumes of Lackadaisy comics in English. :D

silvia1826.deviantart.com/art/…

For my birthday I wish to find a pumpkin spice colored scarf, a Disney Traditions Captain Hook and Mr. Smee Beware Statue, Sherlock Holmes 2009 the movie, and Lackadaisy Volume one. :D

12/2/2011 update! - I got my Lackadaisy Volume 1 book, the mouse pad, 12 buttons plus two extra, and the Lackadaisy pin!

12/05/2011 EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! I got the mini posters in the mail today! I was bummed out that they didn't come with the rest of the stuff and told myself, "Maybe they went over the spending budget. I'll settle with what I have." But no, they were shipped separately! ^^ I was so excited to open the tubing they came in that I used a pen to pry it open and my dad kept telling me, "Don't break the pen!" Lol. But don't worry, even the darn tape couldn't keep me away. :D Now I'm looking for some frames to hang the pictures up with. SO HAPPY!

Thank you 4D Entertainment! ^^

I put the Lackadaisy club pin on my scarf and wear that around town in hopes someone will point it out. Also I plan on getting my picture taken of me wearing it to go into my fun photo album. Gosh I hope my future kids love these things as much as I do! ^^
  • Listening to: Welcome to My Nightmare -Alice Cooper
  • Reading: Rigby's online chat.
  • Watching: The Muppets with Alice Cooper
  • Playing: Can't settle on anything to play
  • Eating: Nothing
  • Drinking: Rootbeer float
I get the impression that I should keep a journal entry all the time in times when I need to look back at accomplishments and see how much I've grown as well as to simply vent in times when I've fallen back.  Tonight is one of those nights were nothing seems to make sense any more and yet life evens itself out.  

So far I've been a bit depressed because I seem to go out of my way when it comes to helping others.  I figured why not?  While helping others does not depress me, feeling like I do everything in my power to lift friends up seems to be a thankless job.  I have researched their interests, tried to gain an interest in the same subject, and sometimes bond with the friend that I am doing this for over one particular interest that they have.

But do friends do the same for me? I highly doubted it until one woman came forward and said, "I love spending time with you." Rather than, "Your interests are foreign to me."

So why do I continue to be the friend pleaser in hopes of finding something that seems unobtainable?  Is it because of hope?  Why does hope never leave me no matter how many times I am hurt by disappointment?  I think it's because the world does seem to compensate for the emptiness I feel after trying so hard.  Hobbies no longer interest me for what does it matter when friends never notice what I've been doing?  And yet strangers do.

And when people need help I offer my services and yet they would rather get blisters and walk through a lightning storm than get a free ride home?  And yet the mother of that individual will thank me for looking after their offspring.  Is it just a man thing where a woman's help is unheard of?  Would they rather die than accept help from the lesser sex?  Or was it more of, "I'm halfway home already, don't bother?"

Or when I decide to show interest in a particular someone, they turn me toward their friend instead simply because I did not recognize them when they changed their hair color, why the sudden coldness?  But on the other hand, the women in my church are conspiring on setting that boy and I up for an activity in hopes of bringing us closer together.  I call that one ironic, funny, and poorly timed.  But who knows where it will lead me.

I find life disturbing when friends make the wrong choices in following their heart when in actuality they shouldn't.  I stand back and watch things crumble time and time again with certain individuals and wonder if I should have said anything.  But then again who actually listens when things are said?  So far no one.  The great need for acceptance is very selfish where all other advice is cast aside for those seeking love and affection prefer to get what they want NOW rather than later.  I'm tired of people not listening to wisdom and I'm tired of not being patient myself.  A spouse CAN wait for me, but true friendship?  That's a hard one.   But even then life works itself out again.  People break up, people divorce and life starts all over for them again.  

And when I'm on the right path and feel miserable, people crawl out of the wood work to lift me up and say, "Hey remember us?  We don't know it yet but we're here for you!"  That one constantly amazes me and shows me that half the things I consider reality to be may not be so harsh after all.  And where some friends falter, others are stronger.  Life is balanced and that goes for friends too.  Perhaps I am the good that balances out what people really want but never give? And yet some day they may start to give rather than take.  It's almost as if time itself is trying to tell me, "It's hard to be patient but things usually work out for the best in the end."

The best part of all is animals are the truest of friends, willing to go where we go, willing to stay beside us no matter what we tell them or do in our lives.  They make up for the mistakes humans make and remind me not to over think, just be.  Be true to myself, live life the way I want it to be, and to trust in my future turning out the way it was promised to me.  It may still hurt for now, but tomorrow that pain may be gone and will be replaced with new hope.  Just wait and see.
  • Listening to: House antennae creaking on roof
  • Reading: Nothing at the moment
  • Watching: Game of Thrones (I know, I know.)
  • Playing: Gardens of Time (Facebook game)
  • Eating: See description below. :)
  • Drinking: Strawberry, banana, pineapple smoothie.
So Brother Hayes, part of the bishopric, came to home teach me and asked if I was interested in getting my endowments.  I told him that I hadn't thought about it and he encouraged me to do so for he felt that it was time.  So one week passed and I was wondering what endowments actually were, when the bishop came up to me and asked the same thing.  He also felt inspired to tell me that it was time.  Well there ya have it, with two spiritual leaders being led by God encouraging me to take my next step into becoming more spritual how could I refuse?  I took temple prep class, read the booklet about preparing to enter the temple, read a magazine based on temples, and resisted temptation more so than usual.  My bishop told me that it was important that I prepare to go to the temple now, and that it has something to do with my eternal companion.  I am uncertain as to what that could mean and thought that I might meet someone at the temple or quite possibly my future companion will see my spiritual glow and be attracted to that.  Who knows?

Well I got to see the Bishop on Wednesday and passed the test questions of "Do you have faith?  Do you believe that the prophets and church leaders are lead by the power of God? Do you believe in the restoration of the gospel?"  I said yes to all of those having experienced testimonies with each category, for how can someone deny feeling the inner peace and warmth of one's soul and say no?  Not to mention I have never been mislead by God's cousel and there have been far too many "coincidents" to have me believe otherwise.

When he asked me, "When did you gain a testimony of Joseph Smith?"  -Well that one threw me off because it wasn't as emaculate as most people's testimonies such as reading the Book of Mormon than praying if it is true.  The same goes for asking if Joseph Smith was a true prophet.  I have yet to get through the Book of Mormon and ask but I do recall the day at work when a fellow co-worker had lost his faith due to some rumor about the MTC adding things to the orange juice to where it turned his intestines and he had to return home.  Granted other missionaries had proven this theory wrong because according to them, such "ingredients" dont supress their hormones while out on the mission.  At all.  This poor soul had believed this strongly quite possibly because he is ashamed for not being able to accomplish his goal and be as glorious as most people who came back with honors.  He couldn't understand why him and what he had done wrong, for his eyes told me everything.  To make up for this, he believed the person telling him that information and joined an anti-mormon group.   They sat around a campfire and mocked the prophets and church rules openly due to some past pain in their lives.  Ah pride and how easily it fuels anger.  Well normally I am open for discussion but the things he said about Joseph Smith felt simply blasphemous.  I couldn't prove if they were right or wrong, other than that dark tar-like feeling I got in my heart.  I knew at once this boy was fuming out lies to try and uplift his shame and I stood up and told him, "You have no clue what you're even talking about.  Anyone can find blame on others but it takes a real man to find the truth.  What you're saying feels outright wrong to me and I absolutely refuse to sit here and hear another slanderous word you speak.  I used to be where you are, full of hate and anger and I downright REFUSE to return to the state you're in."  Well he hated me for half a year later but eventually I won him over again. :) We never did discuss relegion and he decided it was easier to sin than to live up to God's commandments.  Sad really, but I am glad that I was able to put our arguing aside and be coworkers once more.

Bishop Harding was impressed by my story, even though my testimony seems small and weaker when compared to most.  However it is there.  He then asked me if I affiliated myself with any anti-mormon people.  Sadly, a good friend of mine did come to mind and I had to stop reading their Facebook status and distance myself from them.  Their comments would only drag me down and I could no longer allow my spirit to fall into that depressing trap again.  I still care for that individual but I also know what is best for my eternal salvation and will not buy into "You can't see or touch God so therefore he doesn't exist."  -I may not be able to see Him but He sends his angels down for me to see and I have felt him touch my heart on many occassion.  He is there, my friend simply will not reach out to see for themself and it is also due to pride and others telling them that they are stupid for believing.  If a blind man cannot see the moon, does that mean it does not exist?  Of course it does, even if everyone cannot see it.  Even when rocks have come back from the moon, others do not believe that those rocks are actually from the moon.  So even when there is proof of God, people still refuse to believe.  That is partially why God will not show himself just for proof.  So no, I do not associate myself with anti-mormons because I have met them before.  What good comes from them chewing me out for something they do not fully understand or have not experienced?  There is no point in arguing.  In fact, aethiests that I know were more willing to listen and find out the truth than the anti-mormon groups.  Now that is admirable. :)

In the end Bishop Harding said that he believed that I was ready to go get my endowments but I wasn't too sure if I was worthy.  I was not filled with the Spirit as most are when making the right choices but I also suspected the devil was tempting me to wait a while longer until I did feel more spiritual.  But that is his plan, isn't it?  Creating doubt when others can see so much worth.  I looked at myself and said, "Hey girl, you earned this.  Keep it up and the reward will have been worth it."  With that in mind I began to feel worthy and couldn't stop grinning.  

Bishop Harding began to fill out my recommend and said, "What's the name of your spouse or fiance?  Oh you don't have one yet?  Well let me look through the ward members and I'll see if I can find you a husband.  Let's see here... nope that's a woman.  That's another girl.... a girl..."  At this time I said, "How about Richard Armitage?  Or Hugh Jackman?"  
Bishop Harding continued to search and finally came up with a Christian Bartholomew.  I wrinkled my nose and asked, "Who's he?"
Joking as usual, Bishop Harding waved away the idea and began to sign my recommend, stopped and admitted that he nearly signed where I was supposed to.  I laughed and said, "How'm I supposed to work with your line as my name?"  I wrote my name in cursive and that worked out just fine.

Today I was able to go to my friend Rigby's ward and talk to the Stake President Norby or quite possibly President Allred.  I'm not sure who I spoke with but he asked me all the same questions but left out where I got my testimonies from.  He did ask me if I had any questions for him and I asked, "What questions should I ask you?"  
We spoke about where to buy garments and the sacred things I will expect as I go through the temple.  Everything is nothing new that everyone else has told me but I held my tongue and nodded most of the time, reminding myself how patience is one of my virtues that martial arts has taught me.

I won't be talking about what we discussed since such things are too sacred to discuss openly, but in the end I got his signature too.  I went back to my car and drove partway home when I burst out into a "Wooo!  WHA HOO!  YAY!" out of sheer excitement, followed by a quick appology to any guardian angels riding in the passenger seat.  I am pretty certain my grandparents were close by to congratulate me and see me home safely. ^^

At ward prayer I saw Brother Hayes and he asked me if I got my recommend.  Proudly I said yes and felt that it is well deserved and well earned at that point.  I have an escort planned out and a date and time to enter the temple.  Sister Harding and Bishop Harding want to be there for they were my neighbors even before I was born.  They mentioned that I was like a second daughter to them so it is important for them to be there.  

So far what I learned from all this is that people DO CARE when friends are making the right choices in life.  They come out of no where to say congrats and encourage me forward with my decisions.  I am very blessed to have so many people care about me and to back me up with the same beliefs and spiritual experiences.  Those that haven't are struggling without God in their lives and cannot imagine what it is like to actually feel the presence of God and his angels.  I am sad that not everyone is able to experience the joy and love that I feel and see in others when they too know what it is like to feel God's love for others and for us.  

Anyway, I'll post more about garment shopping and a little about after getting endowed.  Mind you that nothing sacred will be mentioned and I will side step what it was like other than my emotions and how the spirit felt at the time to keep record of what my most important steps in life were like. :)

DAY TWO:

My mom spent $200 for all my garments, bag, shoes, and temple dress which took two hours to buy.  Well there was measuring and guessing of which size would best fit me. The temple dress looks like it's out of the 1950's with the ribbon around the waist and the upper half of the dress is pointed due to the seams and I'll have to get a picture of it.  

Tomorrow is the big day and I've had so many supporters!  Facebook supporters are Rigby Katheryn, Chynna and Bailey, while those who wished they could attend the temple with me would be Bruce, Boyd, Camille, Bishop and Sister Harding, Lacy, Sarah, and Sean Lelle.  I never knew I had so many friends that cared! :D Then again growing up helps.

DAY THREE:

Wrapped Koko up in bubble wrap and told her I'd send her to another country just for fun.  She wasn't sure of the joke but when she went to my mom, my mom said, "Honey look, we have an armadillo now."

Got to the temple far earlier than what was scheduled, went through everything and who showed up but Sister Harding and her husband the bishop and Lacy! :D I wasn't expecting to see anyone but I was glad they came. :)

I kept getting the feeling that I should have more patience with my mother and to not let the little things bother me.  But other than that I knew my grandparents were proud of me and were also there to congratulate me for taking this next step.  It was humbling and fascinating and finally peaceful in the end.  We got to take pictures outside the temple for memories and proof of July 12 being the day I got my endowments and afterward we went to Subway for some long awaited food!

I was grinning and my dad asked, "What?"  I told him, "I'm finally one of the flock now!"  He said, "You've always been a part of the flock."  I said, "Yes but now I have white shiny  wool like everyone else!" He had a good laugh at that and I was awarded with Cheetos.  Man how I love Cheetos.

We had to leave Koko alone for six hours while we were at the temple. She didn't like that and was paranoid all night when we got back. I took her on a midnight walk and she still wanted to go out into the backyard to explore.  She must've been really bored.  I finally had to send her to bed for wanting to return outside.  I could take her to Bridal Veil Falls again and let her swim about. :) The water is finally cool enough that it won't freeze the skin.  Maybe Rigby will go with me again. Her beagle Alice was growling at a large rock with a spray painted face on it last time. Lol. Crazy dog.
  • Listening to: Hallelujah
  • Reading: Book of Mormon
  • Watching: Spooks Season 7 episode 7
  • Playing: Okami
  • Eating: Biscuit
  • Drinking: Nothing.
After FHE I was walking the dog and had my vision go dark on all sides, giving me tunnel vision.  
Then when I got inside my left arm went numb followed by the left side of my face. I had my dad take me down to the hospital in Provo and they gave me an MRI and cat scan to see if I was having a stroke.
The doctors did say they found a lump in my thyroid so now I get to have that checked out. c.c I KNOW there's nothing wrong with it and I'm not looking forward to the scar it'll give me if they operate.
I 'm glad the IV is out of my arm and Bill Cosby's sweater isn't taunting me from any tvs nearby.

I had Chynna's coat and my dad's on me plus three warmed blankets and I was still cold.  I finally brought my legs up in an arch and got warmed up.

It turns out that if you deny you're scared and nervous, you'll only make anxiety worse.  So if you confront it and admit to being scared, feel like passing out or throwing up, the anxiety will actually go away and confidence will be replaced.  Same goes for anxiety attacks that feel like heart attacks.  If you can feel anxiety in your stomach, tell your body what you're feeling and describe the feeling.  To me, anxiety is a heavy, metallic ball with spikes around it.  Sometimes it feels cold, sometimes it feels dark.  Once I describe it, the body doesn't feel like something is attacking it and actually accepts the anxiety as a part of the body.  It's worked every time I've used this method since my last attack and so far I feel great. :D No more bad visions, I can sleep now, and all I have to do is admit I am feeling anxious.
  • Listening to: Hallelujah
  • Reading: Book of Mormon
  • Watching: Spooks Season 7 episode 7
  • Playing: Okami
  • Eating: Biscuit
  • Drinking: Nothing.
I understand that true love is feeling God's love for others. It's pure and innocent, it's pleasing to the soul that lifts us to the highest Heaven and gives us strength in times of doubt. We want to die for that person we love because they are so precious to us. We are one with God and the world when we experience it but it is harsly felt by others unless they have hope and faith.

I have the same love for Jesus and God and it hurts to hear others trash that love and devotion by saying they don't exist and that I'm a fool for beleiving in them. Why destroy such unsoiled and perfect love?

Drugs taint the soul and the true meaning. They may feel like they've met God, but they don't feel the basic love that really lets us know that he loves us.

I would do drugs if I really could see the Lord and talk to him but honestly, I feel him when I need him the most.

I understand how Nephi and Joseph Smith love the Lord and why they continued to follow him endlessly because they had that pure love and devotion to fulfill his wishes, felt the trust and reassurance of the future, and felt at peace with themselves to do the right thing.

Tonight I crave feeling my Heavenly Father's arms embrace me, the warmth and light of his radiating soul expanding the feeling of love to my own soul, and showing me how truely devine I can be.  It is through his eyes that I see the loving soul I can be.  The elegant and loving mother whose children love and respect, and I swear that I could feel their hands around me, telling me that they do so love me and wish to be with me.