Not Afraid400 is the number
352 is what I need
For a way out
For a rest
Maybe it'll hurt
maybe it'll be painless
But a moment of pain
leading to an eternity of release
sounds good to me
The problems may be temporary
They most probably will stop
Just two more years
Just twenty four months
I don't think I can
the world is trying to crush me
i want a way out
i want to rest
If you decide
I'll probably follow
You're my last chance
my only hope
My best friend
My one and only
Like a sister
Sharing the same problems
Embarrassment doesn't exist
Pain doesn't exist
Sadness doesn't exist
When you are there
After you leave
I feel lost
And the my mistakes come back to haunt me
My emotions jumbled
my thoughts a mess
everything is short lived
except the numbness
Don't let it crush you
just two more years
If you make it
I think I may too
It's been so long
since I've felt normal
where has the simplicity gone
Where has my sleep gone
Alone in a dark room
scared of nothing
yet terrified all the same
My UndoingClumsily tip toeing across the ledge
Hanging precariously over an abyss
The path never ending
It forks before me
Which way do I go?
I know not which
I dare not choose
Afraid to fall
Afraid to lose
What is there to lose?
No place of comfort
What runs through my mind
Abuse and suffering
The days blur and mix
Oft forgetting those close to me
What's ahead and behind
What's gone and past
Dangling from the strands of my frazzled mind
Everything is changing
Everything is different
I can't get a grasp on my surroundings
My mind shredded
My undoing is myself.
ShieldThe path ahead is dark and uncertain
I know not what lays before me
I cower strangled by fear
You touch my hand,
Smile, help me up
I know not what lays before me
However I only need know you're beside me
It strangles the fear
And leads me forward
Will you be my shield?
A Beautiful Poison The shadows shifted as the old electric lighting flickered to life. Someone’s footsteps thumped down the stairs into the poorly lit room. The old stone walls of the room hidden beneath the cellar shone damp in the sickly yellow lighting. The shadows seemed to stalk and conspire together as a woman walked into the large stone room. She was tall with long slender legs, thin waist, and thick jet black hair neatly piled on the top of her head. Her long dress was red and black with a long slit down each side up to her hips. The jeweled floral pattern of the corset shone and sparkled, blinding a few of the inhabitants of the room. Behind her, a sturdy, barrel chested man lumbered in heavily. He was bare-chested and barefoot with a whip attached to his hip. The shadows stalked after them after them as they walked casually through the room. The woman’s heels clicked followed by the man’s heavy thuds. Hearing these noises, the inhabitants shrunk back, cowering ag
No hope, my LoveYou made me promise.
You say you almost slipped.
I just can't tell you truth.
I can't disappoint you.
I'm weak, though you think me strong.
A cheerful facade
A decaying truth
Can I borrow some of your strength?
Just a little?
Don't keep your pain to your self.
It'll start the decay.
Don't be me.
Used to silence and loneliness.
Let me help.
Let me fall.
Let me decay.
Let me be your unsteady foundation.
When I fade,
Have my strength and make it your own.
I need you happy.
I need you to let loose your tight grip.
Let it fall away.
Let me take it with me,
When i crash down with everyone's burdens.
You can't save me,
No matter how much we both may wish it.
You friendship is great.
It is my hope.
I shouldn't ask for more,
But I can't help myself.
Stuck in a desert
I will stay here.
A meager survival
A shriveled life
A decaying body
Until it ends.
Just so you know
Before I die,
I love you.
I'm alrightHow do you know that I'm without reason?
A stranger in my own body
Hiding behind a cheerful facade
Everything you think you know about me is a lie
You say I'm strong and smart and beautiful
But really i can't even hold myself together
I make a promise and break down
Silent tears as the blood drips from my fingertips
I messed up.
Why can't i hold myself together?!
The facade is starting to shatter
What should I do?!
You knowing scares me out of my wits.
Don't leave me.
you can't leave me.
I need you.
You keep me from completely shattering.
Why can't i fix myself?
I'm too dependent
I still don't think I can survive without you.
If anything I wish you happiness.
I'll take your burden,
Load me down.
Overload me until I sink and drown.
I don't mind.
Let me take the fall.
You have your life, your future
Give me your troubles,
Tell them to me all
I will be rid of them
when this facade shatters
and I fall.
I can't keep up.
I don't feel right.
LesbianGod loved the two girls at the end of my street.
Everywhere they went, they went together,
hand-in-hand so they didn't get lost,
laughing at everything and nothing
all at once.
He was so proud of them.
They never stole, they never swore,
they brushed their teeth twice a day
and always said their prayers.
It was a gift, said the townspeople,
that two girls as perfect as they were
were born in the same place.
an even greater gift, said they,
that those two were the best of friends.
Long nights spent giggling in rooms with closed doors
was a good thing, back then.
halfway between their houses
and in the middle of the street,
they realized that they loved each other.
A gaze lingered a moment too long,
a heart beat a little too fast...
They kissed for the first time on a park bench,
hidden from the rest of the world.
God doesn't love them anymore.
He stands before the adoring crowd,
Basking in their cheers and standing ovation.
But he has already been dishonoured -
By means of his perverse innovation.
For none could know of the dark secret;
About the art that he claims to be his own.
It is naught but an illusion, smoke and mirrors -
A theft for which he must atone...
But this disgusting creature, this worthless abhuman;
So desperate for the glory which he sees upon the stage!
Will quietly don the skin of another;
An urge he must assuage...
Biting his nails, a cracked smile upon his lips, he whispers:
"No one will know, no one will find it and I am great..."
-Chen Yuan Wen, 24th October 2012
I've Changed (Yeah right)I've Changed (Yeah right):
You know, I tell myself everday,
That I'm going to change - that I'll be different.
'This isn't the same; I'm not the same,' that's what I tell myself...
As I sit in front of the computer, praying time doesn't move.
Coward, you're weak and you'll always be weak! You bloody disgrace...
I pick up some new magazine, get inspired,
'I want to be like that guy,' is what I think to myself.
I give it a try for two or three days - I quit.
Same old shit again...
Making up excuses? It's what you always do, you gutless wonder...
I try to reach out with my hands,
Seeking something, anything that I can find to help myself hold on...
But I don't find it - I just find myself,
Sinking back down into the same black swamp - I'm drowning.
Awww, what's the matter? You gonna cry, you gonna cry?
Yeah, I've hit rock bottom,
And you know what? It feels pretty damn good down here.
Nice, warm, comfortable, familiar.
No pressure, no problems - just like everb
goddamn homosexualMy mom took a trip to Mexico
And stopped by a church to attend mass.
It was quaint, small and brightly colored,
So she went inside.
(She is Catholic and I am not.)
She knows Spanish, is practically fluent in it.
She knew, sitting in her pew, what the priest was saying
About those goddamn homosexuals
And their sin,
And how even the flames of hell
Were too good for them.
That there would be no tolerance from The Heavenly Father
Of their kind.
I had just come out to my mom less than a month before
"Yes I like girls."
My hands had been shaking and my throat was tight,
Like my heart was stuck in it.
For a moment I wanted nothing more than to curl into a ball
And simply fade away.
But mom smiled, pulled me into a hug, and said it was okay
And I knew it was.
Yet even if I hadn't confessed
Even if I weren't able to gather the strength,
I know she still would have walked out
Left behind those judgmental words,
Spewing from that judgmental man's lips.
It makes me wonder a
The Unseen Life
The Unseen Life
I thought pain was created to fade
But it seems like my life was crafted to break
So I apologize to the mirror and say "I'm sorry, it's too late."
I can't even look at my own face, as I can never accept my mistakes
I realize that I am brokenly made
My mind bleeds away the memories I've wasted
Remorse begins to slowly fill in the gaps that are left
This stained razor blade leaves every dark moment perfectly divided
I try not to indulge in act of prayer, because I refuse to ever confess
Even in death I will never rest
All visible colors descend into the ground
And time drifts off to sleep
Every sharp outline ascends into the clouds
As this reality begins to dream
This world has truly abandoned me
I keep on doing what I've done
So I can't deny that I've forsaken hope
I couldn't stop the emptiness once it had begun
But I had no other choice, because I was left alone
All I have ever had was myself to disown
Dawning self-hatred with no e
Dear mother, dear father
Dear brother, dear sister
Don't worry, you still have each other
And without me you're all so much stronger
Leave me behind and let me go, I promise the days will get brighter
Dear teachers, dear counselors
Dear therapists, dear doctors
You have my gratitude for what you all did
But I hit rock bottom too many times, and this last one was it
The end of the road again, as if no one could have kept me from a coffin
I was not fit to live life
I failed at everything, every time
I sincerely did my very best, I really tried
I just could no longer stand feeling so powerless inside
I lay wide awake every night
I prayed and prayed and asked "why?"
I was always silently drowning in the tears I cried
I am done with suffering, so this is where I draw the line
This is the end
One with a resentful beginning
It all came crashing down to nothing
It's what's only right, so I know what I'm doing
Dear friends, dear betrayers
Dear relatives, dear des
The PoetThe Poet:
He smiles as he sees her sleeping
& gently covers her with a blanket.
He goes to the window and looks out
watching snow fall, ever so slowly...
He sees people in the streets,
Chatting, walking. Some happy,
Others sad. Hearts beating,
Hearts broken; some warm, some cold.
He looks back at her, as she stirs in bed.
A yawn from her, brings another smile to him:
"How cute," he chuckles as he strokes her head.
He runs his fingers through her hair and is content.
Yet, even if he is happy here, again -
He is drawn to that window and finds himself
Staring out at the street and watching;
Marveling at the disparity and wondering -
Isn't there something that I can do?
Isn't there a better way for us all?
He looks back at her, sleeping peacefully;
He thinks about the future and sighs.
He wants a better world for her,
One where she would always be safe,
But unfortunately, he has no power.
He is just one man with little to his name.
He picks up a piece of paper, one found lyin