- Listening to: Silent Hill Revelation OST - Rain of Brass Petals
- Eating: chicken
I don't have time for anything, not even sleep. So when people come out and rant to me about shit that I don't care about, because they obviously stalk me or whatever, I'm not in the mood to deal with your crisises in your life, because I have my own and I just grew up about it. Besides, why should I care about people when they never cared about me? It's not like they care enough to make it a deal, lmao, I'm nothing, so why am I something now? ahahaaa, people are so typically shallow. fuck.
- Listening to: Silent Hill Revelation OST - Rain of Brass Petals
- Eating: chicken
I'm writing this at work, sitting in the van, watching them push out Cathay Pacific, ready to depart. I find myself doing things I reserve in my spare time while at work more and more now. And I hate typing on my phone.
It's been an excessively busy year. I somehow managed to attend 6 conventions this year (4 of which was interstate) while juggling work and getting my shifts covered... our business has gotten bigger and bigger, and well, I'm pretty excited and proud to sell items I myself always wanted, from my fandoms.
It hasn't been all great though. There are of course downsides. And this job is incredibly taxing.. I didn't celebrate Christmas this year because I was at work. I'm gonna probably see fireworks at work tomorrow too when it's new year. And then back at work 12 hours later to kick off the 1st day of 2018.
Anyway.. I just want to draw again. I just put up another page of my comic a few days ago. Its's just editing, but I went back to it and continued the other pages. I get kinda depressed when I think back on all the things I made all those years ago.. and didn't finish. I miss it all, the urge and inspiration to draw. I feel a sliver of that returning currently. I hope I do more artwork. But I can't when I finish 4 or 5 am nearly every day.. I sleep throughout the day and when I wake up, I need time to do mundane daily tasks. so I regret not using my time more efficiently in the past.
And then.. On the other hand, my time at work has taught me (or rather, reiterate) of how easily irritated I am when I am in the company of others for too long. I'm usually easy-going, docile, but I can harness some heavy feelings of dread and anger and I can come off as really cold and blunt. The more I'm aware of it, the more it's difficult for me to shake it off and will leave me in a bad mood and I will think about every shit thing everyone ever did to me. Destructive? Yeah, and I'm not gonna hide it.
The reason I mention this is...because of the above, lately I've been pondering about some people, coupled with the aforementioned depressed feelings of thinking of my younger days.
With all the stress and stifled anger, I can't help but be reminded of some people's hypocrisy.. to have and call such friends, god, makes me grit my teeth and feel a headache ensue as I hold my temple. The kind of "sincerity" that's been demonstrated to me in the past is disgusting to say the least. I don't need flowery words telling me how much I mean to someone or that I'm their best friend if said person can so easily take it back because of trivial bs or simply because their needs have been fulfilled elsewhere. People are so transparent and shallow when such simple needs are suddenly granted that it causes their ego to cast aside people that actually cared and was relevant to their friendship. Not because of popularity or whatever...but as they say: with great power comes great responsibility and this is lost so easily on many, I see.
I'm tired of trying to communicate and 'continue' being friends with people I've known for many years when I quickly get the hint that they have changed. What is it with people's attitude as soon as they have a boyfriend or girlfriend? I know several people that whinged to me about being "alone" and are now the same people that decide to treat me like a used and useless asset, even arguing with me over nothing when I have not spoken to them for many months or even years. Suddenly, if I don't share the same view point or opinions as them, it's like they've forgotten who I am. Because everyone is obsessed with being oh so progressive these days, they have actually regressed themselves in character and person. This behavior....is so fake. So desperate to be apart of something. I've never liked following any idea or ideal because of how self-centered and narcissistic a lot of the people are and become when they believe they are 'fighting' for some great cause, and this is when I clearly see how truly hypocritical they really are. Nothing is black and white. The world requires a balance. And people are easily manipulated into thinking they are achieving it and only perpetuate imbalance instead. I can't fake my feeling or belief when I know something is off. The truth is bitter when you can already see the end result of someone's efforts. Yeah, like when I see people I've know for over 10 years take a path that's completely unlike them. Nek minit - a new idea crosses their mind and the cycle continues.
I laugh and cringe as I pity people when I see the other side of them reveal itself against me, the one person who was always alone, who was always ignored, the third wheel, the uncool friend, that was always there to talk or listen. And for what...? To be once again ignored by people I actually thought treated me like an actual friend. And I hate myself for even thinking that they are above that, because reality shows me who and what they are. And these sorts of things leave huge impressions on me the more it is done. It's old news though... but I want to vent at least once this year before it passes.
I no longer care about close friendship. I think of only one person that I think is genuine and he lives in the UK. But as for people that I thought were decent, well... who are they now. Friendship means nothing and I can't really be bothered investing time and effort with anyone because I feel myself far too distant and different to others, probably for the better. And yet it was never I that changed. And I don't care. Other than be disgusted at the hypocrisy of them calling us friends.
I hope such people can live with the decisions and choices they've made. Because one day...all your friends will leave you, people you thought would always be there, only to leave you wondering what happened. And I can deal without the drama of others. But can you...? Let's see how you like it, how you will manage. Because I'm the last person who would be so willing to reaccept friendship with fickle people. I'm harsh enough to just not give a fuck. It would explain all the others of the past I've told to their face that I hate.
I feel a slight burden off my back by venting here before 2018. If not for just the symbolism. I'm just sick of pretending. I have a wedding I may attend soon, but there are some said people I don't want to see because I'm assuming an awkward chance encounter. And I can't hide my anger. So.. we'll see what happens. I actually dislike conflict and try to avoid it as much as possible, but it has followed me for years now. I just can't seem to find peace from everybody's bs.
Happy New Year to all, and to better things to come.
- Listening to: Silent Hill Revelation OST - Rain of Brass Petals
- Eating: chicken
Firstly, I still cringe and get kinda depressed thinking about my old laptop crashing and all my work that was on it.. and I kind of want to get that off my profile with a new post (RIP old files.....maybe one day when I'm rich I will try to extract you *sniff*)
I'm writing now with an update.
So I'm looking forward to a new job I'm trying to land this week as an aeroplane cabin cleaner. Lot's of security checks and inductions, but I'm keen for this, I need something a little more fast paced right now because my lack of motivation for the past years has been a major hindrance.
In the art spectrum of things, I did manage to find some spark of motivation however. I finally finished reading the Brigadoon manga and watched the anime series (which is something i never do) and I found a huge urge to draw comics of them. I finished 3 pages of it so far, but I'd rather hold off on it until I actually get somewhere with it. I'd like to screentone them but not put too much effort into inking.
I also watched first 7 epps of Yuri on Ice and it doesn't really jump out at me, but it's amusing to say the least....Victor's Japanese-esque pronunciation of Russian is very amusing. I did draw some of Victor and Yuuri (and a crappy sketch is up) so I'd like that and something involving Alolan Ninetales finished before next con.
I was supposed to draw a bunch of sketches daily, but I was more or less experimenting with Sai at the time and the trial ran out so I stopped for a while and moved on to traditional drawings, hence the comics. So as long as I focus on something that keeps the art juices going..I'd like to use that to draw everything else.
So yeah, I'm looking a bit forward to the future at this point with a better job and all. I was doing a receptionist trial job last Christmas and basically got ripped off by not being paid for my work AT ALL. The shifty asshole took advantage of the fact I didn't sign anything, but I know soo so so much more now about the way of things - There really needs to be lessons out there about how to avoid getting fucked over by potential employers; basically, DON'T WORK FOR THEM AT ALL UNLESS THEY GET THE PAPERWORK SORTED FIRST...Otherwise you may just be walking straight into a trap.
And that was what happened to me, but w/e, fuck that guy and I hope he loses his business by FairWork in the future : ))
So here's me hoping to more art as always lewlllll >___>
- Listening to: Orjan Nilsen - so long radio (and so long my work)
- Eating: fish
- Drinking: water
Ok seriously, no, it's not even funny. I was having anxiety attacks...if I can call it that. Just thinking about the amount of stuff I had that I can't replicate or get back...
I had heaps of work man, and although a lot was unfinished, I had heaps with 10s of hours into each (plus I edit a lot). Not everything was backed up, thankfully most of my work was uploaded here or Tumblr...recent one was a painting of Garrus which I was proud of but FUCK. GOD FUCKING DAMN THIS SHIT, I'M SO...I'M JUST DEVASTATED AND PISSED. And now I'm wracking my brain for all the things I need to re-collect and start over, dl etc. programs, files... okay, so my art's gone, but I can draw them again and most likely they will look better because well, I'm better than a year ago (it will just be annoying and tedious to have to redraw it again) but then my docs... that's what kinda gets to me the most, because I write a lot of my ideas down and considering I don't have all too many ideas these days, they give me inspiration, so yeah....brain, do your magic.
And of course, just sentimental stuff too. I didn't have *too* much photos or w/e and most I just grabbed from somewhere else, but....sigh. Music is going to be the worst thing to recover because yeah, I can't remember all of it and that makes me panic, even if that seems illogical, a lot of it was hard to find. ffffffffffffffffffff UGH WHY.
And also the requests were...yeah... they of course are gone too.
My husband bought me a new PC, not laptop, and... well windows 8.1...what can I say, it's no Windows 7 and I would prefer to downgrade. I hate this app looking set up, why do they think everyone that uses a computer likes using phones....*cough* >_> This time, THIS FUCKING TIME I will have money to afford an external HD.
Now I must find all my drivers and most important of all, my beloved CS2. Screw everything else. I need to redraw the most important stuff I had again. oh god, the more I think about it, the more I feel I wanna vomit.
I think I'm going to...use a physical pencil for a while....after I replace some lost stuff.
very distressed person.
- Listening to: Darude - Calm Before The Storm
- Playing: Super Castlevania IV on DSi emu!
- Eating: yoghurt
- Drinking: water
First off, everything is well here - not too much drama has happened for several months and the Hubby and I even went on a 2000km, 5-day road trip up to Sydney, Brisbane, and the always beloved Gold Coast (which was the highlight, srsly, u don't need to spend NOTHING when there's clear blue seas and white sandy beaches in front of u)damn sydney, u expensive
Anyway, since Christmas is soon and I'm done with commissions, duties and what-not, I'm finally deciding to open up Requests again because *shrug* I'm feeling festive and nice, finally lol. This will be my third time in 5-6 years offering them and tbh, I'm feeling a little nervous about it But I wanted to anyway... I've become interested in inking again, so I'm going to be making inked requests either traditionally or digitally, (Inktober? Screw the rules, I break them *bricked*). I would like to have them up by New Year's, but I'll probably submit before Christmas anyway becauseeeee.. I cbf waiting, not everyone celebrates it, I'm impatient, people will be with their families then, etc etc??
Not exactly *sure* how this will be received tbh, I expect no more than 2 requests due to the silence these days *cough*, which would probs make life easier but..... harhar...har..., so to keep things simple and easy for me to complete, I'd really appreciate if your request would just be a few words like "Pyramid head" or "Pyramid head in a towel". Not that you necessarily have to ask me for that (I'm happy to do it though! hahaaa), but I will decline if you ask for more than 1 character or there is too much details in your request - I have commissions open for that sort of stuff.
Well that's about it, so if you're interested, comment!
- Listening to: DK country 2 OST
- Playing: 8Pool looool
- Eating: fried rice
- Drinking: water
My husband managed to get here recently, and I'm just glad that everyone turned out alright... Not everything is good right now though (mum's secretly keeping her shit bf here still, but now he is the one that hides away from our view, karma you little bitch, suck on it. However, it still angers me, because my mum clearly did not care about my own wellbeing, nor her own by keeping this demon in the house. I cbf mentioning it - for another time perhaps).
My husband enrolled in Fitness course to become a personal trainer so hopefully he can find some work here in a few months - finding work in this country during the colder months is a scarce time..
But again, thank you to those that donated to me! I've completed nearly half the commissions so far and there are a few more to go, particularly the more detailed ones (detail + art OCD = very long time to finish!)
You can find those pieces on my Tumblr here ---> silent-neutral.tumblr.com/
They're all quite varied, and there is more to come! Thanks for your patience guys, I'm still working on everything! I will be posting the more detailed stuff here soon; remember, sketches (and most commissions) go on my Tumblr, not here x)) that's my (not so) new rule. So follow my Tumblr too if you want extra art stuff.....oh, and I have a NSFW account linked to it too, so *cough* just putting that out there XD
- Drinking: water
A whole year has gone by without me doing anything here…until now. I... feel really hesitant and anxious writing here out of nowhere...I will be revealing some controversial things toward the end, but I need to write this.
EDIT: He started sending opals to my mum, from Coober Pedy, since he's apparently mining there. For some fucking reason, my mum has ideas to GO there and MINE with him too! FOR FUCKING OPALS. I....I don't know what to say! I said to her "Have you already forgotten what we went through less than a month ago!? And you want to go there to him, the fucker that hit you AND your daughter!?!?!" I just can't believe the nerve my mum has for even considering such ....treason!! It's as if jewelry just magically solves all our conflicts - how can my mum be so shallow!?!? This is completely unacceptable - where is MY say in all this!? What next, you go there and you return with HIM!? He fucking sends you opals and you somehow have ideas to go there (no doubt he encouraged it), but oh no, let's just forget the fact he fucking committed DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ON YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD. where is the justice!? When does this just END already!? Didn't you learn anything!? I even have concerns that he could try to harm her. I just don't know what to say.... I really hope she decides against such bullshit, because he is NOT someone you can TRUST. I mean, he fcking LIED about all the so-called "millions" he had. Since he pissed off FAAAAR away (not far enough) from ever seeing his solicitor again just screams that he was conning my mum the whole fucking time. WAKE UP. Major facepalm right there. When she said all this, I felt sick to my stomach. The fact that he even still calls her boils me up. Why can't you stay OUT OF OUR LIVES!? YEAH, MUST FEEL GOOD REALIZING YOU FUCKED UP HUH, NOW THAT YOU'RE ALONE AND ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN FAILURE AS A HUMAN BEING?? OH NO, THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT - I SEE YOU NEVER TRIED TO APOLOGIZE TO ME; WHERE'S MY FUCKING APOLOGY-OPALS, HUH???? FUCK. OFF. AND YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR OPALS FAR UP YOUR RECTUM THAT YOU SHIT OPALS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE MINING THEM. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME. /end edit.
Things haven't gotten any better, just to add to the original post below this one (beyond the line of hyphens).
On the 23rd of Dec, I got into an altercation with my mum's bf, in which he hit me across the face twice. I can't even remember if he hit me a third time. He hit me when I was defenceless as I had a plate of food in one hand, and a cup in the other and of course everything crashed on the ground and I fell in it - also TWICE. and yet, this mf was still hitting me. Of course, I'm not one to let someone just trample all over me without me biting back. I tried to kick him between the legs and scratch him, but I kept losing my footing on the now wet and shard-covered floor. It stopped when my mum intervened, but she didn't see him hit me. the coward attacked me again when she went to get the mop...
I don't really want to have to explain the whole thing again. Maybe if you really want to, you can find it on my tumblr. I started screaming at him, that everything he told my mum was a lie and that he learned nothing in his pitiful life.. My jaw felt dislocated and bruises were showing up on my face, arm and leg. I had a cut on the inside of my lip where he slapped me. I don't know why I didn't think of calling the police - all I could think about was how scared I was to tell anyone. I was afraid that the situation would escalate and it would be because of me. Granted, I understand that this mf was the one that hit me first.
I told my friend and she ended up telling my brother, because I was too scared to tell him on christmas day....I just didn't want to ruin it for him or my family. But since she told him, my brother was very upset and spoke to my mum, who then confessed that he had hit her too! My brother was readying police reports until she spoke to that mf and told him to leave. And he did! I'm so relieved...I never expected it to turn out that way..
The next day, I raged when my mum said that he had told her that I hit him FIRST!!! When I showed her all the cuts and bruises, she became upset of course - and I was a mess of rage, hatred and despair. When he came home (my mum's house is NOT his home, he doesn't even deserve to be here), my mum confronted him about lying to her. I listened in from the hallway, heart racing, ready to scream at him at any second...but then he remained silent once my mum started getting angry, making it obvious he had lied. I saw my God mother that same day (christmas eve). She looked like she was going to cry...imagine how hard it was for me, it makes me so angry and upset to have to be the one to bear bad news. I nearly wasn't going to tell my own Husband, as he already suffers from anxiety over the war and being away from his family - I just didn't want his worries for me to increase and depress him more...(I did tell him though, and he pretty much suggested the same things everyone else did)
I overheard my dad talking on the phone with my godparents a few hours ago, though...I haven't told my dad or older brother. Again, I just didn't want to make anyone upset as much as it hurts me to have to explain it. It's just really hard. Hell, I even got my friend to speak for me, if I wasn't weak enough...I've never experienced something like this before. But I understand my mum for not telling anyone that her mf bf hit her too - but what, so it takes him to hit her own daughter until we get something done about it??? I never liked this p.o.s, but I had to be the catalyst anyway. I'm at least glad for my mum. But my family is saying that this mf will try to call a lawyer to take half my mum's house, since he's been living there for 5 years. So...I'm hearing now that we still need to report him for domestic violence. I need to speak to my brother about this. But I was told he left for Western Australia, which is on the complete opposite side from the country. I wouldn't be surprised if he already has a criminal record..that might explain why he never worked a normal job..hm. Then again, an idiot like him to call the lawyer on us, when he KNOWS what he did would easily get him thrown in jail..? It's too risky, right? But if he tries to be more of a rat than he already is, I don't want him to get NOTHING. He deserves NOTHING, but the misery he brought upon himself AND my family. He's the cunt that ruined christmas and the end of the year. At the same time however, him leaving forever is also a gift.
I still have to face my dad now though about all this...he only understands less than half the story...I really don't want to, but since my god parents told him...ugh.
This year has been absolutely trying right until the end.. Sure, I married this year, but as soon as I came back, everything just turned to shit. Today is the last day of the year and I hope it will be the last time I have to deal with any serious issues like this. Next year is my year - the year of the ram. I hope it will protect me - even if not, my husband is a kick-boxing tiger and I know for a fact he will protect me from any more mfers like the one above.. ad he will be with me, war, economy, air-crashes be damned.
Some might remember I travelled to Ukraine last November. I came back on the 29th of January, yet I was silent for all this time. (Bad pun on my name) And as I’m sure everyone is aware of the many events that have happened there so far, now ensues the essay-long story I must tell. I think you’ll anticipate a story based on stress, but I will explain why – This is very important to me, the most important thing I will ever write here. So.. let’s go back to November of last year.
I left my country – Australia – and flew to Ukraine. It had been 10 years since I last went to another country. I learned a lot travelling on my own, as I actually had no idea how customs and airport stuff worked. (seems stupid when I think back on it, I was always travelling overseas when I was little).
Anyway... The reason I went, was because I was meeting someone. I won’t go into it, but long story short – I married.
Yes, I’m married. Just like that. And in another country, to boot. And yes, it was a genuine marriage, and no I wasn’t forced into it. We had talked about this for several months beforehand. The taboo thing about it though is that I never told anyone about my “cunning plans”. Yeah, I felt a tinge of guilt and even awkwardness. Of course, since our engagement, I told my family. And when we married a month later in January, I told my friends. Sorry to Da though. Some people have questioned or even seemed sceptical about me marrying (even making snarky hints that I married because of pregnancy or whatever. 10 months later – no baby, you fucks.) but anyway, that’s not the point of my entry.
Now.. Everything was fine. Everything was fun and new and calm. But ever since the day I arrived on the 29th of November, those pro-EU protests had just begun in Kiev..which in hindsight, were foreshadowing events – and challenges - to come that would change our lives for the worst. They grew steadily over the entire course I was there. Just a month after I left, they kicked out their President, and it’s funny.. my visa was valid until March, and I could have stayed longer which would have meant I would not have been able to leave, after all those events that followed.. Just to clarify, we did not participate in the protests, however I’ve added a photo of it from late january at the bottom.
My husband (Vladimir/Vova) and his family don’t live in Kiev. No, even better – they live in a town near Donetsk city. And if you know anything about the war and genocide that’s been happening in East Ukraine…well, that’s my reason for not writing all year.
I can rant and write an even longer essay about how angry I am at this newly elected fascism that’s possessed the capital and trying to possess the entire country. I can say how I condone Russia’s actions of trying to protect people in Novorossiya. I can praise their militiamen for defending their land and right to live.
But I am spent. I’ve taken much notice of the world around us all year since the genocide in Ukraine began. Gaza genocide, propaganga and protests left and right. Referendums, Engineered diseases, corrupt political leaders pulling strings on ISIS..mass death and the lies, lies LIES. I’m sick and tired of the lies and propaganda. Religious, racial, gender propaganda. All this drained me. Going to school day in and day out listening to depthless conversation of ignorants at school only made me feel worse, all the while knowing my husband was now living in perpetual danger. It just seemed so pointless, trivial and insignificant to go to school fearing for the safety of others – I was depressed many times throughout this year, having missed a lot of days just so I could be in constant contact with my husband just to be sure he was okay. (I just recently handed in all of this semester’s work yesterday and I am done – I could have failed. I’m actually not sure what the result will be, but I’ve done my best to juggle everything.)
Vova worked as a train driver assistant.. every day he went, I would constantly worry, because the trains are major targets for the government army, and he often worked 12 hour shifts at night, which was the only time they attacked.
To show an example of this, here is a photo his workmate took in late June-early July 2014. Detonated bridges like this one was very common, and it was very difficult to discern who was doing it. But I know better.
The months went on and work and daily life became more and more threatened by air strikes, bombs and shootings by the fascist Kiev army.
After returning from the hated Kiev to submit our visa application, his work was trying to collect people to go to Lugansk, which is the more heavily affected city of the two – Vova’s train always went there but because of the war, trips to Lugansk became scarce. In Lugansk, the Kiev-army bomb and shoot the trains, to prevent them from delivering any supplies to the people, where they were in the most desperate need. Of course no one opted to go, and many were quitting their jobs and leaving for Russia and Crimea, where it is so much safer. They threatened my husband, and so he quit in rebellion. I was relieved, although short-lived. An hour after quit, he was returning home when the fighter jets were flying over – He took this photo at the time. You can see a little falling white smoke in the centre – this was an air strike.
His friend was hit by shrapnel on the day Vova took this photo – damaged his ankle when he was escaping to Crimea.
Little did I know that this was about to get much much worse. Practically still on the same day, his town was under full fire and an air raid again dropped bombs in his area, this time about 100 metres from his flat. It was 1 am at the time, and he immediately ran out onto the street to another apartment, which had a basement. I was talking to him when all of this was happening. I watched my phone for hours waiting for any sign of life from him. It was the worst time of the year, and my life, so far. This was *also* on the same week that MH17 fell a few days before (which was orchestrated by Kiev and their “international puppet masters”, among many atrocities by them. Too much lies and evidence against them). The attacks until that point were only fought outside the cities. This disaster became, quite simply, an excuse to terrorize the cities – the densely populated areas - by blaming it on its people! Vova couldn’t leave the basement for several hours – the fighting usually stops by 6 or 7 am, but it is generally unpredictable, especially now. As soon as he was able, he escaped to another state and he was lucky too, because a week later the trains were not leaving. He tried to convince family members to go with him at the time, and they refused out of fear of being captured by the Army, or enlisted by the Militia. His sister was nearly killed whilst travelling to the city in a bus. The bus stopped short of the bridge and told everyone to run, before the bridge was carpet bombed. His brother also saw the Ukrainian army soldiers shooting outside his window in a residential area. These are NOT military checkpoints. Even better, some of them were dressed like civilians – they often do this, because it makes “framing the enemy” much more believable. These Nazis from Kiev attack funerals, as it’s easy pickings, and once more, easier to frame the enemy for it. Terrorists? No…..These INNOCENT people are defending their land from the Fascist Coup in Kiev, who are the REAL terrorists!!
All this seems to be out of a movie…But I’ve seen horrific images. Dead children lying in dead mother’s arms, with her leg blown open. People who tried to escape via their cars, shot at and dead on the wheel. Mass gatherings of people protesting against the Nazi guard in government-held cities being gunned down. Unarmed villagers being picked off by those fucking Nazis of the Bandera Praviy Sector... it makes me so angry. And add up everything else I mentioned above that’s going on around the world only makes it worse.
My husband can rely on no one but me. He can’t find work without his citizenship/national passport, because they destroyed it when he was applying for the visa. People seem cautious or even suspicious of him because he came from Donetsk. Some people turned him down a job obviously out of fear that he might be a “terrorist”. Seriously, you would be amazed at the kind of propaganda BULLSHIT this Ukrainian news media flat-out lies about to their “pro-western” minions. He would be safe in Russia and I wouldn’t worry so much about him then, but…he needs to remain in Ukraine to collect the visa.
I’ve been studying and sending him money from working and selling wares at cons. He sends some of it to his family trapped in the war zone. But by God, I am grateful he is alive. He will need to remain where he is until the end of the year, and I hope I will have enough money to send to him again soon, when he will need it. People might think it’s bad, and my husband doesn’t like it too, but the reality is this: Who can help him, but me..? His sisters in Crimea send money to his brothers who sit at home and cannot venture outside, but they earn little. It’s crazy enough how I am even able to provide for him, even after paying 3k for the visa tax. But I am his hope.
And some very serious things have been happening recently, what with the nazi guards raping, pillaging and murdering those unfortunates located in Mariupol’, ever since the elections in the Donbass not too long ago. My heart is racing with anger. I’m so… indignant, something that’s defined my character for the past several years now. Every day, I am torn between my desires to go back there, to be a volunteer and fight against these fascist pigs. On the other hand, I have a husband, and I must fulfilll my life-long commitment as a wife, to be alive next to him. It is a dilemma I face, but I have my priorities – instead, I think and pray for those defending their rights, their land, their lives, every day. But if I were to lose him to this bs war…I would and will go there. No one can know the pain, anger, hatred, anxiety and sorrow I have felt all year for this whole issue. My soul is screaming for justice, for the TRUTH to come out, for this murderous Junta to be held accountable for the evil they have unleashed on the Donbass and its people, the country and to my husband and his family. For everything you heard in the media about “rebels, terrorists, separatists,
Putin, Gaza, Iraq, ISIS, diseases”, just throw it out the window. Everything you hear on mainstream media are always lies and it’s always back to front – it is all apart of the great deception. The less you know, the easier it is to manipulate the minds and hearts of people. I am sick of the injustice, while people are literally, LITERALLY being torn apart every. Single. Day. From Donetsk, all the way to Iraq and in-between. I am seething with fury, I’m with the people who want change, who know the truth, who are against the wars, against this oppression. I am very against those who are blinded by and support fake news and lies, those protesting about this issue at the G20 pissed me off so hard, and I know I shouldn’t be – I need to keep a calm countenance because I need to understand that it is in fact they that do not understand anything. I pity them; they are in complete denial and acting as hypocrites whether ignorantly, or intentionally. But truth be told, all the western media outlets do is frame and blame the “enemy nations” (BRICS, but primarily Russia and China) – Only protests against these 2 nations were shown on our media, and there were MANY MANYYYYY protests yet they did not disclose them all – a few here and there about domestic aboriginal rights which is an ongoing thing for us (Our current government right now has become the biggest joke in political history EVER.) Why is that, you ask? China is the biggest economy. Russia is a super power with the biggest stockpile of tactical missiles, they are trying to disown the dollar, etc etc. Wars create money as most know. But who’s doing it…? The banks. Who owns the banks…? I can think of a few very rich organisations that I assure you is behind all the shit you see today. But…they are finally losing their grip on control – and on this topic, I am however very aware of organized protests that are, shall we say, funded by these ”rich elites”. I can’t say too much. I’m trying to limit what I say here, because for a while now, my accounts on different platforms have been acting screwy, including random disconnections, webcam being randomly turned on while no program is being used, comments being deleted and messages not being sent due to, most likely, government filters. I believe I was/am being monitored, due to the rage that allowed me to rant and share the truth to other people away from this site. Anyway… I don’t mean to get political here, but it is a very touchy issue for me as you can now imagine. We are divided more than ever, and we need to band together against this, so I’ve done my part and spoken out. Never buy into anything you hear on a tv, newspaper or any kind of mainstream outlet. I guarantee you it is 100% lies and hate propaganda. Just research the other side of the coin…and I really mean coin, because with all these issues, you can be assured money is the priority - never us, the people.
I don’t know what else to add to this, but this war has been the sole reason why I have not come back here. I tried several times to draft an entry, but events kept changing and getting worse – I couldn’t find the words or motivation…This even now, is very difficult to write. but it’s the best attempt so far. I don’t know how we’ve gotten through this, let alone how my husband and his family are still alive right now. Who do I thank? God? I’m not religious, but I’m not atheist or agnostic. Either way, something’s pulled us through til this far..
As mentioned above, I added photos of my trip, so scroll to the bottom for some thumbs. Pictures speak for themselves.. I look at them and see how happy we were.. 2 months of a wintry paradise very quickly and very dramatically went straight to hell.
I don’t really know what else to say to this…I’ve got a lot off my chest at this point, although it is not all, and I understand it is quite shocking. If you have any questions, by all means, ask me, be it personal or political, I don’t mind. I know my stance on things.
And as for art, I’ve done quite a bit this year, for school mainly. I’ve done a few commissions and sold some of my own art which went directly to feeding my husband. My assessment is over for the year, and I will be posting them here gradually while I finish overdue commissions first.
Thanks to the few that wished me a happy birthday – it was much appreciated. Didn’t really celebrate, but I went to PAX to make up for it. I cosplayed Dante3 with all his accessories to finally complete the damn costume, including his boots lol. I will add pictures of that too eventually, although they are extremely limited.
Right now, I'm just trying to rest after a long tiring year.. I feel disoriented with everything, but for the most part, I'm alive.
Hope everyone’s alive and kicking.
Ps: incase anyone was wondering, and it just occurred to me that I never made light of this, but no I’m not Ukrainian – I’m not Russian either, but I’ve been studying it for a few years now (and my husband was studying English, that’s how we met). In fact, I’m not even Slavic. My actual ethnicity is half Irish and Thai, but I was born in Australia. And for the record, I am not proud of my country, and others, as of late.
just married.. and crying
Apache Helicoptor and Tanks at War Museum.
saluting a world of tanks.../bricked for bad pun
the Motherland WWII museum. Amazing view of the Dnieper river and city on the platform of the statue's feet, which I regret not taking a picture of, but it was FREEZING up there, and several times through the day I felt hypothermia trying to kill my hands when I took my gloves off.
subway in Kiev. The entrance to the station is AMAZING...there are old antique style lights and a massive chandelier looming above the huge ceiling. I wish I could take a photo of it, but I was wary about doing so - I already know that Moscow prohibits it, so I assumed something similar for Kiev with the crisis underway at the time. But it was one of the things I wish I had a photo of..
this was interesting. We were saying goodbye to Vova's relatives who came to our wedding from Kerch - their train was driven by Vova's colleagues, so we jumped in the cabin and took a quick snap. The cabin was so run down, just look behind me and the driver's seat I'm sitting in - these trains are about 40 years old and they still use them. Had a very vintage soviet feel to it, was really cool.
scene of the crime: one of the many barricades in Kiev.
featuring my friend when I stopped over in Amsterdam for half a day.
- Reading: flight intinery
- Eating: fruit
- Listening to: SH2 - Betrayal
- Eating: chocolate
- Drinking: Tea
I feel stressed, arguing with people, having deadlines, important things I need to do, money I don't have, favours I do for people that turns out to be wasted effort anyway = time and money wasted when I have my own problems to deal with. It just seriously aggravates me when I go out of my way to do something for someone because of their own incompetence, only to find out that the initiative I took to do something on the behalf of TWO people is neglected and I don't even receive a THANKYOU, nor even an APOLOGY.
Seriously, fuck you; I don't need this shit. It's times like these I have to constantly remind myself I'm being too nice, friends or not. But even if I protest, there's this resounding "Awww please, I can't do this blahblahblah", BUT if I complain AFTER I've done the deed, there's this inevitable "Oh, but you could've said no - I wouldn't have minded." OH YEAH, COS THAT'S BELIEVABLE. It's always the same with people, I can't fucking win at anything. I'm sick and tired of arguing with people, doing things for them that they should take responsibility for - ha, I don't even understand why or how I got involved in the first place. It's just not fair for someone to go out of their way and do simple tasks like pay for someone's ticket, when I have to pay for a flight. Oh, but then I'm challenged with "why did you have to show your feelings, I don't want to go now.. and you didn't have to do it". Why do you even "challenge" someone who fucking did a favour for you? The least you can do is ACCEPT the ticket. Soooo... yeah, I wasted my time doing this, all for nothing seeing as friend doesn't want his ticket now. wtf. I don't know where to laugh at how fucked up this all is, or cry at how fcking pointless it was.
God, I HATE people. and I've been saying this for years. It's made even worse for the fact they are close friends, and maybe I'm too naive about this concept about friendship, because I'm taken advantage of anyway. Never doing this sort of thing for anyone now. Over it.
Among such annoying little issues, just...people critisizing my boyfriend and I. People I don't even know. And...it's just so insulting, that these people think they have a say in the meaning behind our relationship, judging what the "benefit" is. Seriously!? Are you fucking serious!? Benefit!? God, go and ask every other couple out there, the answer will be the same = LOVE. and is that so hard to believe? What is wrong with that? What is YOUR benefit for marrying your wife then!? Simply to have someone to come home to, all for the sake of fucking her? yeah? Am I right? God, fuck you people. What the hell is wrong with your mentality, and then applying it to us, assuming we must be shallow, - no no, the fact that these people think in such ways means that *they* are the shallow ones. Just keep your opinion to yourself, because you're not apart of our lives. Go be miserable about your own, cos I am already quite happy about who I'm with. I can't stand such people who try to insert themselves into someone's business.
I will say it again, I HATE people. This is the ugly side and majority of humanity, and I hate it getting in my way all the time. I don't know what I did to have such idiots come in my way, but I'm going to throw them right out on their ass.
Ugh... I need to eat something.
- Listening to: Enigma - Sitting on the Moon
- Eating: biscuit
- Drinking: Tea
- Listening to: DK country 2 - Mechanical swamp (remix)
- Reading: Anzacs in Arkhangel
- Eating: chips
Anyway, I'm making this journal to say I will be continuing that Capcom comic I started a couple years ago. I know, I'm terrible.. but while I hadn't made much mention about it for a long time already, I was actually working on it on and off. I'd prefer to get a couple more pages done and submit them together (I personally can't stand seeing pages uploaded one at a time, per week...however, I'm much worse for uploading once a year ahah oh god.) So, I will be editing some pages once this week is done.
Oh, just to also mention.. if you follow my tumblr, I also haven't been active around there (just to reiterate the fact I've been unproductive - well, digitally anyway), but again, if anyone is interested in sketches, wips, ideas, that sort of thing, you can find it here --> silent-neutral.tumblr.com
- Listening to: Megaman X7 - Our Blood Boils (Sigma battle 1)
- Reading: Article about Dragons having really existed
- Watching: Vitaly 'disturbing the peace' LOL
- Playing: Borderlands 2
- Eating: icecream
- Drinking: solo
I have a lot to do next year. I look forward to it. And yes, I passed my interview so now I will be studying Visual Arts starting from March.
I don't know what I've learned this year.. 'follow your heart' maybe, something lame like that. But even if you might be skeptical of it, I think it has some merit.. If you have nothing to believe in, you'll end up feeling lost... and it almost happened to me - again. Hopefully I've learned this lesson now and won't suffer it so badly in the future lol. I have to constantly remind myself. Oh, and about taking certain things for granted...haa, almost learned the hard way with this one, but wow it, uh.. turned out ok.
Anyway for the record, I believe that since the world has 'ended', it can now begin. And whatever happens, there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Season's Greetings to you all, and may your most heartfelt dreams come true - only if you believe in them and yourself
ps: I finally beat Downpour. Yes I'm slow, but ARGH, Stephen Hawking is the last boss?! LOL *cough* /tangeant.
- Listening to: Unreal Tournament OST
- Watching: pranks on YT
- Playing: Oddworld Abe's Exodus
- Drinking: ice tea
- Listening to: Swedish House Mafia - Greyhound
- Reading: text in cyrillic
- Eating: congee
Got some answers. Albeit, not very favourable answers, and in fact confirm a dream I had about this very same answer 2 days before I was told about what happened. I don't know what I should think... This person is in pain from their misdeeds, and I can't exactly be mad for very long at them because they were honest with me, and are not ignorant people. However, I've been lashing out at everything else in my life lately maybe because I feel I don't have an excuse to be angry at people that apologize and are honest. Not to mention, I'm guilty of the very same thing that someone did to me.. although, I know why I did it, and it was after I made some conclusions, which, coincidentally, were not apparent when I was given some understanding afterwards. Still.. A little late, don't you think? But now, I'm not being so honest, and have to deal with whatever subtle damage I've caused, just to save them the misery, and myself my useless pride. So now, I have no ground to stand on.. and am letting this fucked up shit happen because, whoop, I'm sub consciously at fault in a different, indirect way. Could things get anymore complicated? I have to be as diplomatic as ever right now. I have explained the issue lightly though, that at least, THANKFULLY, someone is being cooperative with me on this.
..Which is another issue that's been making me lose my fucking mind lately. I can't stand the incompetence that constantly surrounds me - Why can't anything just cooperate with me, do their fucking job when I fucking pay you to do it? My God! I'm sick and tired of useless people. My temper is wild, and I can't contain it for very long when everything else drives my fucking patience up the wall. Seriously, I'm so goddamned mad it's unbelievable. I've been mentally beating myself up for being overly emotional, for not being rational enough, for letting myself take the fall all the time. I'm sick and tired of doing this to myself. Why should I face my own wrath and focus it on myself, when really, it was meant for the other person!? Ohhh you don't know how fucking lucky you are, unsuspecting person... If I didn't care for resolution, I'd have ripped your head off already.
I could go on and on about how pissed off I am right now, but it would get repetitive...as much as I'd like to vent.
Meanwhile, I just wrote out a CV for a job held at the Grand Prix in 2 weeks. Had to delay ballooning for a few days incase I end up working there.. would be a nice change for an otherwise "stale" lifestyle. Although, I could care less if I didn't get it. Nothing is as it seems anymore, although it never was anyway. I'm..'less' depressed, just.. I don't even know what to call it. I was pretty shattered a week ago when I found out that Silent Hill Revelations wasn't being released here though. I was waiting for that all year...among other things.
ps, thanks to your sympathetic replies earlier. I always feel bad and guilty when you reply, I don't know why..for wasting your time, or something, I don't know..
This kind of thing coming from me, especially over the years, is kind of cliche of me now, I know...you're probably sick of hearing me mope around and you ignore these things. Not asking for pity or anything, just.. I feel like a total failure, yanno.. and I say I will do this or that, and nothing ever happens. I just wanna say that.. sigh. it's been really tough, the last 2 weeks, and, I've been trying to cope with some sudden changes in my life that I'm still trying to grasp. The truth is though, I don't understand what happened, and I can't try to learn from what 'mistakes' I've made, because I honestly do not see what I did wrong. It's hard to explain...because I don't want to talk about it. Defeats the purpose of writing here, yeah..maybe.
The point is, I wanted to at least drop by and just...explain my absence. I haven't done anything for myself for a while, except when I decided to step out of the house to watch the Resident Evil movie, try to clear my head of my depression. I'm doing much better now, thanks to...a certain 'distraction'. (no no, not drugs. lol.)
I've lost interest in the world around me, although this feeling is nothing new.. I barely eat or sleep, and I can't do anything that I would like to, like...idk, play games, or draw. But I never do these things anymore. I just do what I have to, when the world calls me to do it. Argh.. I'm so confused. and these certain distractions are the result of my confusion and desperation to get myself out of this undeserved slump. It fucking sucks, to say the least. I'm not trying to run from my problems, though.. But nothing is helping me try to understand. And this kills me inside, so while the answers run away from me, I have to stop chasing after them. I hate letting things go unresolved. But there is truly nothing I can do to make anything any better.
sigh. Anyway.. whatever. I don't want to care any more. Shit fucking happens, and although I'm the one that suffers at first, so do the people that caused it. But I've known my whole life what happens after, and it involves me being heartless and unforgiving. I don't want this to continue, but it looks like it will. Again..
I just cbf. I wasted too much effort on nothing. My birthday is coming up though... wanna go hot-air ballooning, do something to prove to myself my life doesn't have to be so shit lol. Who knows, maybe a plane will fly right through it, and gets me killed. hahaha, nah.
Life isn't that nice to me.
- Listening to: NieR ost
- Reading: forms..
- Watching: some New Zealand invention show lol
- Playing: RMZ3
- Eating: donut
But in the mean-time, Yayyy no more preparations and frantic drawing for a while...because now is the time to be fretting over my passport renewal instead T_T I been saving up to go overseas for several months now and I'm almost there, yaaay.. Well, except when I had to blow an extra 80 bucks getting a new charger for my laptop today :I which is another reason why I couldn't continue arting for a while. But I just got back into it, which I'm THANKFUL FOR. Commission work is being continued now!! Yay motivation, return to me. I need you. YOU HAVE BEEN ABSENT FOR TOO LONG. seriously, my motivation needs a strict curfew or something lol.
Anyway...I intend to upload some photos from the last convention I went to. But for now, gotta work : )
- Listening to: MMX OST
- Playing: pokemon yellow
- Eating: malteasers
- Drinking: sprite
As for Operation Raccoon City, it's supposed to release this week/a few more days (?) and the trailor looked pretty good, despite hearing bad reviews, but what the hey, it'd be a good RE game to play while waiting for RE6. Said friend wants to buy this for me too! So once again, I have to wait...otherwise, I would have pre-ordered these ages ago :'D...soo...who got the nail gun and axe...? -envy-
jfrhrhfd games aside.
I wouldn't say I'm having art-block, but I feel like my knowledge and skill with drawing has declined. Maybe I've stuck with the tablet for too long, but I really feel like I try too hard in my work these days only to notice the outcome I desire is very hard to achieve. I admit though, I don't spend enough time creativity-wise these days and I constantly need music to be my inspiration to pick up the pen. I always used to feel much more comfortable with a pencil than with a tablet pen, but now, that's reversed. I think this is the trouble when digital clashes with traditional - spend too much time on one and the other becomes more and more alien. For me though, I spend hours simply editing my images, since digital means gives the opportunity to perfect your art as far as you want it to be. Whereas with traditional means...you only get one shot. I guess I've just gotten rusty...no art-block though (only when there's no new music for me to listen to! I can't draw without music), I haven't really had it for a while, but not being able to utilize my creative potential is a bit frustrating too...Maybe I need to re-learn to draw again. -siiiigh-
- Listening to: Music sounds better with you - Stardust
- Reading: VHD manga vol.3
- Playing: FE the sacred stones + RMZ2
- Eating: some curry
- Drinking: water
They bark at US, the damn OWNERS, as if they own the place...I chased one of them out of irritation, and it's safe to say that chihuawas are all bark and no bite :/
O yeah, and now we have mice in the house because of her. I saw one run around my stuff a few days ago. I'm still trying to catch the damn thing.
Well now my mum is kicking her out, after moving in here a week ago. How pathetic. She talks about laying off smoking and getting a job, but she's just talking shit. We've had so many low-lives live here, it's unbelievable e__e I already hate the idea of sharing a house with strangers, but it's not my business.
In other news, I'm working on a winery recently, cutting the grapes from the vines. Since it's summer here, it gets really hot out there (I was working 5 hours in 37 degree heat) :/
I'm pretty tired from it, so I haven't actually done anything productive for a while. But it would be good to get paid something decent for once e__e
Which reminds me there are a lot of games coming out soon : o would like to go out and buy a lot of them, but now is not a good time to be spending so much lol :'D...damn economy. (Hm..money reminds me I need to renew my passport too. fffffff ) However, one of my good friends wants to buy me Silent hill downpour when it comes out though, along with the eventual RE6.... such a pleasant shock coming from him too! Made me so happy... ;_;
That's all I really wanted to say, I guess. lol I just wanted to rant about that crazy woman, ughh!!
weather cools down next week - maybe I'll have the energy to do something productive then.
- Listening to: Curve - disguise
- Playing: FE the sacred stones
- Eating: watermelon
- Drinking: water
Technology fcking loves me. Why else would it fuck up out of NOWHERE when I need to get something done. So, just SPONTANEOUSLY, the headphones play up when I need to make a call to the place that's funding my course, through skype and I couldn't hear anything, and then the second time, they couldn't hear ME. the third time...they ignored my calls because I assume they must have thought I was pranking or some shit like that. This is bullshit, and literally 5 MINUTES EARLIER, my brother was calling his friends on it. WHY ME? WHY ME? Now they just flat out won't answer.
How the hell am I going to call them now - I have no other means of making calls, and application ends in 2 days, and I needed to ask a question about the fucking ID form they gave me that WON'T PROCESS. WHY. WHAT IS IT WITH TECHNOLOGY AND ME? I'm sick of this shit happening all the time. I still very clearly remember when I had assignments due 2 years ago when the printer and software MAGICALLY just STOPPED when I really needed them to work.
I only wanted to do this course so I could get a job. Welp~ looks like I'm gonna miss the deadline AND continue being jobless all because it's NOT my fault technology made me look like a fucking twat trying to cause trouble.
This is probably why I can never succeed at most things, that are a breeze for most people.
fffuck... I don't know what I'm going to do about this now. sidjsijjil. It's funny. Everytime I have a bad dream, it usually indicates something bad is going to happen. Before I woke up today, I was having a dream about my friend who was stabbing these needles deep into the ends of all my fingers on my right hand - length wise. I was crying in pain and telling him to stop,but he just pushed them in deeper toward the joint and left them there for a while. When I pulled them out, of course there were holes and blood, but it still hurt, and there was weird shit everywhere in the room and adjacent rooms.. why can't I have anything nice happen?! I thought I was a good person for a long time enough to be treated the same, karma!! fuck you. you don't exist, do you? Or do I have to turn into a bitch to make ends meet?
I have nothing more to say...
- Listening to: Mylene Farmer - C'Est Une Belle Journee
- Reading: VHD vol 2 manga
- Watching: Team America
- Playing: FE the sacred stones
- Eating: sushi
- Drinking: tropical flavoured water
> Complete ONE, AT LEAST ONE existing comic and/or project..........ugh
> Get freaking license already
> Get Downpour
> Actually go to the cinema (for once) to watch SH2 film that's supposedly gonna release this year.....better be...
> catch up with friends more
and lucky last *drumroll*
>...a job :/ surprised?
meh. I could list a bunch of 'self-development' stuff, but I do that every year but I don't really...achieve them. well, sometimes, but I seem to revert back to my old habits again. Maybe that will change this year, idk.
Brothers and I plan to go Europe this year to visit relatives. As much as I WANT to say this will happen, I can't guarantee it seeing as I don't have the money to right now. -sigh- I think rather than rotting away here every single day and a little escape would probably do me some good. It's been almost 8 years since I ever went anywhere and only once during that time I went to see a friend in Sydney. I need a chaannggee...
Oh well, one day...one day soon
well you saw my meagre list, what things do you want to accomplish this year?
- Listening to: you're not alone - ATB
- Playing: Onimusha: dawn of dreams
- Eating: wonton noodle soup, aww yeee
- Drinking: fizzy drink
anyway.... I'm not even gonna bother detailing what i've been doing, where I've been or the obvious fact I disappeared for the hundredth time.
Not that I haven't been doing anything. Albeit, not much, but not nothing either. I just don't come here that much, or not for very long (about 10 minutes when I do come here)
Just wanted to let others know (who read these things anyway lol!) that if you want to see some form of update, you can check out my tumblr ----> silent-neutral.tumblr.com/ and you will mainly find w.i.ps on the things I'm working on (projects, commissions, anything like that) mind you, I am bad at finishing stuff, and that's why I'm never updating my DA because I only want to show something grand and not something lame and half-assed art-wise...like I have been doing in the past lmao.
I also have a livestream account ---> www.livestream.com/snlivestrea… there is one recording on there so far. there should be three, but idk why it won't put it on there....
I should be sleeping right now - I have 'celebrations' to do tomorrow xp.
PS: when I DO submit something, it's most likely going to be a commission piece involving Forte, seeing as I'm pretty much almost finished with it.