[Warning: bad mood]

As some of you know, I had it rough these past few years. Losses, depression, grief, sickness...

Things were getting better for me these past month despite some minor issues.

I felt happy, I felt like I had my life back in control.

I'm in a good place now with good people who appreciate and respect me.

My colleagues and superiors consider my work to be good.

I also have great opportunities.

I'm not going back into the path of sadness I had before.
I want to keep control over my life.

I will keep control over my life.

I will keep enjoying the goods things which happen to me.

I will keep enjoying sharing time with good people.

I'm not letting my feelings spoiling everything.

But an other one of my relatives died today.

It's the 9th.

I don't want to break down again.

To be depressed again.

I won't.

But I don't feel well.

I fear people might judge me for sharing that.

I fear people will keep their distances from me because of my whinning and no one want to hear that.

I'm from a place where I simply can't share my feelings.

And I fear to annoy people by speacking about that.

I'm supported by a lot of people here, thanks to all of you.

But I just feel the need to talk about all of this.

It's the 9th one who died in only 3 years.

Is this really normal ? So much deaths in only 3 years ?

I feel sick.Like I'm about to puke.

I can't allow myself to fall again in depression but why ? Why can't I share my griev without the fear of people disliking me for it.

I understand that someone who whine always is annoying, I try to stop.

But I just want good vibes.

I already feel supported, you support me a lot. I thank you for that.

I just want friends to be there, to tell me that it is normal to feel grief, to whine.

I shouldn't be afraid.

I want friend to tell me that 9 relatives dying in only 3 years would tear down anyone, I shouldn't be ashamed of my emotions.

I want friends to empathise with me. Not as artists but as human beings.

Please, be patient wih me for the several days to come.

You know I might wear a façade, I publish something in less than 3 days and I don't want it to be spoiled.

And I won't take a break, I don't want my sadness to control my life again.