Shop Forum More Submit  Join Login
I stepped into a dim room
Devoid of the guests that made it bloom
And very, very soon
My eyes fell upon a limp balloon
Rising to the stars of fame
Crashing down to Earth in shame
Method of death maters not
Not even if you were shot
Why put so much effort to set you up
When your fate is to blow up
Into little chunks and pieces
Or be abducted by breezes
You can reach greater heights than any
My, aren't you canny?
You rise up far far away
While your death is underway
Your family is here
Yet they never hear
Because your screams
Are blocked off by strings
As you laid limp there
I see they're all there
Caught up in the fleeting party
Appearing to be high and hearty
"How did you go?" 
I assume you'd already know
Even as a valuable guest
Your importance is really less
Your death was kinda somber
But everyone else's time was not a slumber
Heads held high, without a word nor a glimpse
Ignorance casts its shadow on you like an eclipse
To think I looked up to you in awe
Only to realize you're as precious as straw
Along with your life, out went your dignity
And all I can ever give to you is some pity
Had it been different if you strayed from fame?
Of course not! 'Cause it shall always be the same
For every balloon, loved or not, will always end up
In any time, anyplace, leaked or blown up
Someone who knows poetry well please critique this. 
My goals:
1. A theme about going after popularity being useless due to death and the ignorance/indifference of others.
2. Suitable for spoken poetry
3. Should last a minimum of 1 minute and a maximum of 2 minutes.
4. Overall good.

I used balloons as an example because they are often used in parties and other social gatherings, and they have no other use other just being present. They always end up being out of air either by popping or leaking.

Please point out any mistakes I made. And please provide feedback and suggestion too!
Add a Comment:
ThyWordIsTruth Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This definitely had an "Ecclesiastes" feel to it; it reminded me of how Solomon points out that everyone; no matter their status, all wind up in the grave anyways and forgotten.

Ecclesiastes 2:14-16
The wise man's eyes are in his head; but the fool walketh in darkness: and I myself perceived also that one event happeneth to them all.
Then said I in my heart, As it happeneth to the fool, so it happeneth even to me; and why was I then more wise? Then I said in my heart, that this also is vanity.
For there is no remembrance of the wise more than of the fool for ever; seeing that which now is in the days to come shall all be forgotten. And how dieth the wise man? as the fool.

There is a misspelling in the second stanza (maters ---> matters), but I enjoyed this one overall. Good job :)
GoldFlash101 Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
this. is one meaningful poem. you've done great comparison between using one's life at chasing popularity and how useless it is, and balloons used in events.

i gotta admit, the poem's beautiful. i'll never make something as good as that. probably because i prefer reading poems than making one.
although, i'd like to point out the misspelling of "matters" in stanza II
allstardunce0516 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2018
Pretty nice.
GardenWarfareFan Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2018
I'm no poetry expert and I really love poems this is a 10/10 I love how you used balloons as an example and the rhyming is on point. Keep up the Good Work!
Add a Comment:

:iconshowlover: More from Showlover

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
January 28, 2018
Submitted with Writer


11 (who?)