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I've gone on a critique-binge in the "critiqueable"-section, and it's hard. Seriously hard. Some things are just so brilliant that you cannot fault them, some things so horribly bad that there's simply nothing to say. Most will just leave you cold.

It's actually difficult to find a good blend of constructives and positives, especially when part of why we love art is always in the eye of the beholder. If I don't like a certain style,(looking at you, every last one of the people who make nothing but Lion King, wolf or Sonic characters) it doesn't matter how well done the piece is.

So far I haven't pissed off anyone too badly. That's a bonus. And a change.
I could finally afford a new scanner/printer and a new tablet. Only took me.. what, 3 years? I never stopped drawing, so I've done a lot though I won't be uploading everything. "But WHYYYY?" I hear you scream. Simple: most of it is crap. It sorta pains me to look at some of the stuff in my gallery now.

I'm still trying to get better at art.
So I'm not very active, big whoop. :P

I SO got the skillz!

Fri Jun 3, 2005, 7:34 AM

This was the last day I spent on the first yearclass of the goldsmithing-learning people. No school woohooo! Except I'll be working the whole summer. The last part of the first year was spent "learning from work", and I got a summer job at the company I worked in, Union Design, so no vacation for me.

But I'll have you know that I totally r0x0red the year. My report card was full of 4's and 5's (on a range of 1-5, 5 being the best) AND I got one of those "we give you money for being a good student"-awards! What's it called, scholarship something something? Anyway, I got it yay yay yay!
*does the victory dance* of my classmates almost spit poison at me when I got it. Hee hee, jealous!

I've now studied the goldsmithing for a year, so I think it's about time to show off what I've done. I'll try to get some pictures up as soon as I get to take some..
I didn't believe anyone would really miss me. Honestly. I've been a horrible, depressing pain in the ass for pretyt much everyone. I'd love to show you some of the new stuff I've done, although there isn't much of it, but still can't scan.

On a positive note, I got into the goldsmithing school. I'm now looking at three years of something to do, and after that I'll be a fully trained Artesan. Me having a future. You just never know do you?
I haven't got a scanner so I can't get anything something something. Well you know what I mean.

I'm gonna go and try to get into a school where they teach you how to be a goldsmith. As I haven't worked with any metals before, I'm making a chainmail shirt so I can get some feel to it. Wheee.
With my job went my creative juices. I haven't been able to get anything done in the past month. If you don't cound that I've been very able to screw-up my sleeping by playing playing playing.
Dance mat roxorz your boxorz, but it won't get you a job.
Sooo... my other director found out that I've been dating with my boss. Ooooops.
Instant trouble for renewing my contract.

It's not my fault, he's all hot and good-looking and hot and.. and I love him.
It feels stupid. Job-wise I had nothing to gain, he couldn't give me promotions or better pay or even preferential treatment. Still I had everything to lose. Even his job was on the line for a moment there.

This is a major stepback in my lately succesful tries to get a hold of life. But I won't regret a thing. The plus side is that I can now freely be with him, without cover-ups and stuff.

Still feels a bit depressing.
Believing is both the easiest and the hardest thing to do.
Truly believing is easy, when you're confident that what you believe is right, but to know that something is stupid and illogical, and still believing in it..
Well, that's faith.

To truly have faith means you must know what's wrong with what you believe. Nothing is perfect.

Hmmm. This may be completely useless gibberish.
It feels like most of my writings begin with "I've been thinking..". Can't be helped, I guess.

So I've been thinking.. how could I control or change the way I think? If I find out how, maybe I could change the way others think.
There are people who base their opinions only on their beliefs, and it disturbs me to no end. Strong opinions, ones that can't be changed, about the right colour for a human, the right gender for a profession, the right sexual behaviour, the right way to think.
I get so angry on these subjects and so does everyone else, because in these discussions people are always right in their own mind. I am not above that.

How do you change the mind of a person who is simply so uneducated that they don't know anything about things that are outside their thinking? How can I explain my opinion, based on general knowledge of archeologists' and genetic researcher's finds, to a person who says "pffft, what do genetic researchers know".

The only way I could think would be to start at the basics, to educate of how the atoms work, how the cells work, and to work my way up there. The problem is, I'm not credible as an information source. Because my opinion is wrong, anything I use to defend those opinions is wrong.

In anutshell, how can I make a stupid person understand?
Wh00t. I be here again!

Finally, I'm having a productive season! I'm getting all the comic ideas that have been sloshing around in my brain out in the open. I've also had a horrible flu for the last week, and it seems that as the snot flows from my nose, so flow the ideas from my brain. Just be thankful I didn't use the snot to draw the ideas..

Obscure lesson of the day:
When the floods come, draw for your life.  
I haven't been here, submitting new stuff. There's a good reason beside the huge wall-painting I've been doing.

I have a boyfriend. Oh, and then there's the problems with the scanner I've been having, but that's small.

I have a boyfriend. In your face, lonely bitter ugly people like me without one! I'm finally getting happy and letting other people suffer! Muahahaha!
I guess most people wouldn't add insult to injury, but I'm also in love with him. And he tells me he loves me. Awwwww.
Loooooooove! (and great sex)
After years of being depressed and grunting at happy people and growling at happy couples.. I'm happy.
I could go on and on and ON about this. It's so unbelievable and amazing. Never would have seen it coming. Nuh-uh.

So there. I'm having the horrible feeling of ages old cynicism melting away. Someone slap me.
Please disregard my last journal. Like any of you read it anyway, but I'd like to now announce that I AM indeed worthy of happiness and great sex.

I'm giving all the credit to my jinx; if I say that there's something I can never have, I can be damn sure that it's the best way to get it. I mean, after all, if I don't have a chance, the only chance I got is to say that it will never happen.

It's amazing that it really seems to work. It's like the universe has some kind of natural repulsion for absolutes at chance. If I've been sure that something important will work, it won't. If I'm sure it won't, it will. Maybe someday the greater powers will notice I've been cheating :D
Seeing happy people together makes me sick. Hearing of good relationships still going strong makes me gnarl.
I know it's stupid, but it feels like greater forces are rubbing it in my face that I couldn't make my relationships work no matter how hard I tried.
It feels like I'm just not worthy of such happiness.

I feel like I should be looking for a mate, but in truth I don't know if I want one. No, that's not right.. I do want one. I want someone to love me, and to think that I'm beautiful and intelligent so I wouldn't feel so ugly and stupid for not getting anyone, but I don't want to love.
I want an egobooster, not a relationship. For some people there isn't much difference.

Several crushes and tired tired tired of never getting anything back. I don't want someone to get attached to, I want someone I could hold in my grip, to manipulate 'till he's twisted and confused.
Someone I could destroy if I wanted to. So I wouldn't have to be the weak one.

I'm having hard enough time getting attached to people, and just to sound super-cynical and gothy (and hoping really that this wouldn't be true) I don't know if I could love someone. Again. Gnrh. I hate writing stuff that makes me roll my eyes at myself.

True love is for pussies.

And I hate you all for not loving me.
Sometimes I like being forced to think.

I miss intellectual challenge. I thought that it was stupid trying to fight on opinions because people hang onto theirs like the opinions were their lives, but now I'm beginning to.. not realize this time, but think, that finding a compromise or a middle way in everything is keeping me just as stupid.

Maybe it's just because I find that not being able to change means not being able to grow, and that means that since you're not growing any smarter, you're growing dumber.
Talking of other people... I mean ME. I feel that I'm growing dumber. Stopped noticing stuff like this.

But how many times can one change? From one extreme to the other, and then balancing in the middle until I was grey and dull. Where can one jump after that?
Should I attack people's beliefs just to keep my brain moving and full of fire? Should I stop balancing on the thin line that everybody's right in their own way?

Maybe I'm just dissatisfied that I haven't been completely honest with myself or with other people. Being social gets in the way of honesty. Saying what you really think destroys so many things in the big book of social etiquette.

Most of all, I'm ashamed. I'm afraid to act true to my nature, because I know that it would ruin the thin fabric of social relations I've been able to weave. And because I know I can't take as well as I give.
Being honest never pays off when it comes to people.

I feel three ways about everything.
Part of me knows things. Part of me feels things. And the third part just wants to act on instinct.  

My head is much more clear when I don't think.

It's been needing a challenge.
Yet again, I wake to find myself in a dream. This time in a fantasy world with races and rules of its own. Caught up in the middle of a one-sided war, I watch at night as a tribe of skinny dog-people prepare for a fight they cannot win. They have always been peaceful, but they are also proud and will not run away even if it means getting slaughtered.

When the sun rises, we see the dust clouds in the horizon moving closer. Soon the first of the huge war-trolls is close enough to hurl a boulder that flies right over me and the chief of the tribe. They throw great rocks like they were little pebbles, and I'm scared. The third boulder hits the rock behind us and causes a small landslide, burying a couple of children.

I can't stand it and take to my wings. I look at the killers and know I couldn't do anything to hurt them. They're just too big, and this isn't my war..
Still, I feel like a coward.

I returned later to find the bodies of the tribe scattered around. The chief is still alive, and shows me the great katana that the enemy tried to use against them, to ensure a great victory, but the power of it turned against them. It woke up a huge stone bear that they could not control fully, and they had to run away.

The chief gave me the sword to hide somewhere or to destroy so it may not be used again. He tells me the next time the bear is summoned it could not be controlled at all, and it could not be put to sleep again.

I accept the burden and fly away. I feel the wind against my wings and hope that I will find a safe place before someone else finds me. There will be others after the katana as well.. and so it seems that I'm a part of the war after all.
I'm 21. Old old old! Practically a fossil.

Yay for me.
I'm one step closer to having a real job nowadays. I'm working at a sort of media thingie that's employing unemployed youths. It's still not a real job but I guess it's better than the one I had before.

I get to do things I like doing (painting) and I'm sore all over because we have one hour of moving around purposefully every day.
The nearest I've had to moving in the last two years has been when I needed to get from my bed to the fridge.  And now I have to do it every day. Guess I'll get used to it.

I'm having trouble focusing my thoughts at the moment, since I'm writing this at work and the director's sitting right next to me and there's music I could sink into.

I've been asked what kinda music I listen to, and I've answered but really I've just remembered why I haven't been listening to music in a long time. I tend to live along the music too strongly... feel too deeply when I lose myself with the music.
It makes casual listening a bit hard.

Still. Almost doing good for a change. I keep waiting that something will hit me to balance things out. Good things never last long. I will get punished for having a good time at work. The Great They somewhere won't let me.. say I'm doing good. To say I'm happy. Because something will happen if I do.
What's the best day ever to watch by as people in love decide to mess up their relationships?
That's right, it's valentines!

I got the honour of seeing how bloody selfish people can kick the spirit of valentine's (which to me is making a heart-shaped card that says "Gimme a hug.. you fucking prick" on it and giving it to your ex) in the nuts, and instead of making affectionally violent cards they decide to just act affectinally violent.
Which is not good.

It's a long story really, but ended up with me hating a person I'd liked befoer more than I thought it possible to hate someone. And believe me, I'm damn good at hating people.

I've sometimes thought that alcohol brings out the true nature of people since it removes things like "thinking what you're gonna say" and just shows all the stupidity and horniness that people keep locked inside when they're in control.

True faces are better left controlled, is all I'm saying. Locked deep down under the social etiquettes we all have engraved on our minds, because once it's shown it'll be an aspect of your personality for people for the rest of your fucking miserable life.

Kinda makes me happy that I wasn't the one to screw up this time though.