You've seen the movie....right?
You had the feels...right?
You sat through a solid three hours of cinematic orgasm....right?
And...you know one of the biggest jokes about this film is about Captain America's ass.....right?
Wait...(hears some of you out there)....no?
Aw...if you haven't seen it by now what're waiting for?
And more importantly don't read my review because...
The Will of Thanos commands it that Spoiler Warnings be part of all reviews. In particular this colossal review which is nothing short of a monumental task to write down given how this film feels like the Berlinalexanderplotz of Super Hero movies. Long, profound and going into different directions it's like nothing you've seen before in terms of Marvel films. Think Infinity Wars was chaos well look again. But trust me when I say you will leave the theater floored, if not a bit overwhelmed. The gamut of emotions felt throughout this movie are all over the place much like the...cough...science in this film. Remember these Super Hero movies featuring Norse Gods, radioactive rage monsters, talking raccoons and trees, a teleporting wizard with a Harry Potter cape, and a man who can shrink to an atom and grow to a giant are all scientific!
God people are so f**king stupid sometimes. XD
Ah well, let's begin...or shall we say, let's "end game" this shit!
A year ago we dropped our jaws in disbelief when a purple-scrotum faced space titan named Thanos obtained all those pretty little Infinity Stones and came down to Earth to wreck havoc. He snapped his fingers and so much happened. Peter Parker didn't "Feel so good" hence launching many Memes. Peter Quill proved just how much of a f**k-up he was. Banner as Hulk and non-Hulk lost twice. Thor forgot to aim for the head. And "Wakanda Forever" became "Wakanda For-a-few-seconds."
Thanos won, eradicated half of life on Earth and other planets....and took up residence on his new makeshift planet basically saying to himself "...And it was good."
Yeah there's a bit of a biblical allegory when it comes to Thanos. His God complex seems to mirror God Himself as a Creator/Destroyer of life. So he's essentially Marvel's ultimate villain yes? In terms of power and accomplishing his goals: yes. But in terms of long-term planning he isn't. Thanos is basically God if God had an ultimate plan that was so short-sighted and underestimating what humanity would eventually become that He would probably be like "Huh....that didn't turn out anything at all like I envisioned. Seemed like a good idea on paper..."
I'll be blunt....Thanos is an idiot. A big purple f**king idiot! XD His entire plan was to get the Infinity Stones and snap his fingers using a magic 'Pimp Glove' so the cosmic scales could be balanced. And he had hordes of armies and minions at his disposal to obtain his short-sided and more-likely-to-fail goal. And once he was done he'd just retire on a planet of his own making eating fruit and living in a hut for the rest of his life resting on his laurels.
Other than him threatening your very life or being paid well by him; who would follow this dumb ass? He was going to mess up the universe on a scale of untold proportions and then just sit around in a hut eating fruit all day long afterwards? Is THIS what someone does if they had this ability to "Correct the Universe?" Cause as we soon find out...the plan's major flaws come into motion.
Yes Thanos....you DID manage to not only wipe out half of life but also many of the Avengers. Oh...except Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, Hulk and Ms. Marvel. So your plan left some of the MOST powerful Super Heroes alive to later come in and whoop your ass and more than likely correct things because you left the MOST capable of the Avengers alive?
And that I described is only the first thirty minutes of the movie....believe it or not. For you see after the remaining Avengers from 'The Cosmic Finger Snap' assemble and visit Thanos's homeworld; Thor manages to correct his mistake of not "aiming for the head" and cut off the purple dickhead's....head. (I wish I didn't say purple in that sense; but there'll be plenty of gay jokes coming up soon trust me.) But the Infinity Stones are all gone too because Thanos vaporized them which even f**ked him up pretty hard. Well they killed Thanos but can't use those stones to set things right again can they? What now?
Well....five years later people are still brooding over the day the Earth got a little dustier. So uh...yeah...we uh....got nothing.....
So Thanos dies in the first thirty minutes of the film; yesh. Not before Ms. Marvel returns Tony Stark and Nebulla to Earth after that moment Peter Quill kinda screwed things up. Remember Chris Pratt is the celebrity I compare myself the most to; and he plays arguably the biggest f**k up of the Avengers. Yeah that....seems about right. XD Tony meanwhile having suffered his own loss to Thanos and losing his star child Peter Parker and suffering "space madness" (Reennn....) still gets uppity and butts heads with Captain America despite being on life support. He's still not letting that "Death robot who nearly killed us with a meteor" thing go. And now he berates all the Avengers drunkingly to a point Robert Downey Jr. was reverting back to his drug-adled pre-Iron Man phases in the late 90's. Yeah it wasn't a pretty time for him back then.
So speaking of Ms. Marvel you figure she's gonna play a major part in this film. So seeing her film Captain Marvel was essential as well as seeing the post-credits teaser in Infinity Wars right? Well she DID bring Tony Stark back down to Earth and reunite Nebulla with everyone's favorite furry assmuch Rocket. But then she had "other business" to take care of on a universal scale after they killed Thanos. Apparently Earth isn't a priority anymore compared to elsewhere so she bolts. Evidently there was some drama between the real life actress and the crew of this movie that she was seemingly re-written to a point where she wasn't as important as the post-credits sequence made her out to be. Well drama aside I didn't hold it against her when I saw Captain Marvel. Nor do I hold it against her in Endgame....mostly because she's barely in the film.
But there was a movie in the Marvel universe who's post-credits sequence was even more important. That was Ant-Man and the Wasp. Because during that sequence we see Scott Lang get stuck in the Quantum Realm while the rest of his compatriots (including Hope) get turned into dust after the big purple idiot snapped his fingers. Now we cut to Endgame where a rat (of all things) accidentally brings Scott back to the regular world five years later. And I thought that cat from Captain Marvel was a real game changer. A damn rat did more for the entirety of the universe than one could imagine.
So now you'll see that the real game changer isn't Captain Marvel...it's Ant-Man. Although that doesn't stave off the fact barely anyone knows him. Especially during the scene with the Hulk where a group of kids wanna snapshot with the now Banner-combined Hulk and Lang awkwardly introduces himself as Ant-Man. Kids obviously don't know who he is and Hulk awkwardly wants them to take a picture with Lang to not hurt his feelings. Lang just finally says "Take the goddamned phone" and the kids leave. I LOVE this scene. XD There's a ton of scenes in this movie I love more than all other Marvel movies combined.
So anyway...what were we talking about? Oh yeah; Scott's time in the Quantum Realm.
See even though it's been five years regular Earth time...in the quantum realm Scott was stuck in it was only five hours. So needless to say he's stunned when he sees what happened to Earth when he comes back after being stuck in the quantum realm for five hours. Being stuck in that hellhole for five hours would be absolute shit; never mind being stuck there for five years. It's clearly affected his brain as we soon discover when he reunites with Black Widow and Captain America and tells him about how he was gone for five hours in his time while everyone else suffered for five years in theirs. And out of hunger or fear (or both) he starts ranting about time travel. Evidently he became so small that because time is condensed into such a small space in the quantum realm it's rules operate differently than those in the regular world. It's like being in the deep reaches of space where time is also operating differently. Now in terms of traveling through time this is highly possible if someone wanted to go into the future.
But into the past....this is where the film starts stretching the idea of "Science" to such a degree of "eye brow raising" that I was finding myself turning into Jack Nicholson when it was explained to me.
Also like Jack in The Shining my reaction was: ".....Are you out of your f**king mind?"
I think they take more liberties with the science in these movies than they do with the comic book material. That's not gonna stop some YouTubers from explaining to you how it could be possible...theoretically. Everything sciencey in Marvel movies is theoretical. Even when Ultron made an allegory to his meteor being like the one that "Wiped out the dinosaurs" that was also just a theory. XD I love when someone tried to explain Dr. Strange's abilities happening in reality; even though there's a difference between producing optical illusions and producing physical manifestations of reality-bending physics with a stone and your bare hands. Or how gamma radiation is in no way dangerous to humans and can turn you into a giant raging green wrecking machine. If that were true they wouldn't even bother going over the dangers of gamma radiation with us here in Korea. They just expose it to us and we'd have an army of Hulks rushing towards the North Korean border. Problem solved. XD
Now why do I care so much about the bogus science in these movies that are about as true to nature as the old science fiction movies from the 1950's and 60's? Well it's not really whether or not it's possible. In these movies I accept they are theoretical but possible. It's the reasoning behind them. See Scott's time in the Quantum Realm had him thinking about time travel; and how he and the other remaining Avengers could travel back in time to take the Infinity Stones and use them to undo everything Thanos had done. Of course the moral and theoretical outcomes of this "Time Heist" leads to questions on how it would affect the present even more; which of course leads to the almost-mandatory 'Back to the Future' references. He mentioned 'Time Heist' so it was more like 'Sly 4: Thieves in Time' to me. XD
But yeah, just go back in time and take the stones that pretty much affected the lives of not only the Avengers but also millions of people. Yeah that won't change anything in the past will it? No Butterfly Effect? Well...yeah. Believe it or not they dismiss it and say "Just take the stones from the past and bring em to the present. Nothing will change." I'm guessing it's the power of these stones that helps keep that kind of madness together. But at the same time they were so integral to the plot of these movies and the major players of the Avengers you think certain events changing in the past would greatly change the outcome of the future with or without Thanos.
But ah well...leave this kind of debate for me in the comments section. We got a lot more ground to cover here. I'm not even halfway done with this review. I could spend another couple of paragraphs trying to figure out the movie's logic on time travel and how bogus it all is. Let's just say that...as always...Tony Stark finds out Scott was right as he builds a fully functional model of time travel to pull off this "Time Heist".
His reaction is like mine when I suddenly had a mind-blowing idea for my next art project.
Now I just need to sit down and work for hours on it.
But anyways after Tony finds out that it's doable, he creates little Time Machine GPS systems (Apple would be bankrupt if Stark Industries existed) and arrives to Avengers HQ and tells everyone how he figured it all out. Of course not before another hilarious scene where Scott Lang becomes the guinea-pig man of various age altering effects of Banner's own attempts at time travel. And not before Natasha and the other remaining Avengers go around the world to pick up their separated comrades who went their own ways after finding out killing Thanos didn't do didilly-Groot. Thor in particular is suffering the worst of in "New Asgard." a pot-bellied flabby shell of his former heroic self hanging out with his rock buddy from Ragnarok who spends most of his time playing Fortnite. Never mind Thor became fat, hairy, alcoholic and looking like a Rob Zombie stunt double. If most of your life is spent playing FortNite then you've got bigger things to worry about.
Things haven't fared much better for Hawkeye either. You know other than being...Hawkeye. XD The guy who shoots bows and arrows while he fights alongside Thor and the Hulk.
The whole movie opened up with his American family having a typical American family picnic. Hot dogs, archery, baseball, farm life....a gauntlet made by a dead star that snaps people out of existence. Ever since that fateful moment Hawky's been traveling the world trying to find ways to get his family back after literally disappearing from his life.Although I dunno how dressing like Scorpion from MK and killing the Yakuza gets you any closer pally. Oh and look he uses a sword now. XD I guess your bow and arrow gimmick wasn't working out entirely for you was it Hawky? XD Well if Thor can also use an axe is place of his hammer; why not? XD
But again; how's this get him closer to his family? You know; the same family that probably asks him what it's like to work with BETTER and COOLER super heroes?
OK; let's cut straight to the chase. Now that Thor and Hawkeye (Ok I guess...) are back on the team: let's go over the roster of who we have to pull off this "Time Heist" and get the Infinity Stones from the past. Let's see: Captain America, Thor, Hulk, Iron Man, War Machine, Hawkeye, Rocket, Nebulla, Black Widow and Ant-Man. Their mission: to go to three different periods in time (AKA other Marvel movies) as three different teams. These periods of time: The first Avengers film, Thor: The Dark World and the first Guardians of the Galaxy movie. At least two of these three films are memorable. It has been AGES since I've seen Dark World.
A logical way to retrieve the stones?: not at all. A plan that is more than likely doomed to go horribly wrong?: Hell yes.
But let's just go through each time period as it's own animal on how the teams retrieve the stones. Shrink down to Ant-People, enter the quantum realm with Mr. Stark's time GPS....and away we go. Let's take the ticket...and ride the ride.
TIME 1: THE AVENGERS (2012)
Team: Captain America, Hulk, Ant-Man and Iron Man.
Mission Objective: Mind Stone, Time Stone and Space Stone.
Main Visual Gags: Captain America's ass and Hulk being forced to take the stairs.
While tons of aliens wreck havoc on New York City and Loki about to meet his humiliating capture: the team splits up to find the three stones. Iron Man locates where the Avengers have Loki cornered (after Hulk famously pummeled his "puny god" ass) and instructs Ant-Man to hop onto the carrying case of Loki's Scepter which contains the Mind Stone. But not before getting a glimpse of the Star-Spangled Behind that is Captain America's ass. As far as Ant-Man was concerned; "That's America's Ass." (Queue audience laughter.) Iron Man disagrees of course since ideologically he and Cap always disagreed on things to a point where he won't even acknowledge Cap's gotta nice ass. But maybe he's right cause no offense Steve...you're not as good-looking a piece of man-ass as Thor was in his prime......What? Um...anyway this also leads to another visual gag where past Hulk can't fit in the elevator where the Avengers are escorting Loki and is forced to take the stairs. The Incredible Hulk is now The Incredible Sulk as he walks down a humongous flight of stairs. "RRARRGHH!! SO...MANY....STAIRS!!" This is just like people who haven't kept up with all the Avengers movies prior to Endgame. "RRARRGH!! SO...MANY...MOVIES!!"
But since there's three stones to collect you can imagine things aren't going entirely to plan. Cause meanwhile Hulk is trying to convince the Ancient One doing her "Time Warp Thing" with the alien fodder flying around New York. She boldly tells him Strange is busy doing surgery in New York. Really, while all this bizarre alien shit is going on? I mean I knew he was a good surgeon but damn; didn't know he was THAT Good! But anyways Banner is having a literal out-of-body experience as the Ancient One pushes him out of Jolly Green and is spent trying to convince her why he needs the Time Stone. Lady, you gotta stop demonstrating your mind-blowing powers on people otherwise they're never gonna leave you alone. XD But ultimately Banner let's the Ancient One know what Strange did with the Time Stone in the future and thus gives it to Banner. Again; how this doesn't affect the future and Dr. Strange ultimately having the Time Stone to begin with is beyond me. But oh well, committed to this now.
As for the Space Stone; well both that and the Mind Stone are about to fall into Hydra-disguised-as-SHIELD hands. But Tony has Ant-Man give his past self a cardiac arrest and distract the Secretary and his Hydra cronies. Ant-Man then kicks the Space Stone towards Tony and he proceeds to grab it only to find out the hard way why Hulk should never had taken the stairs and just jump off the damn building. Loki then takes the Space Stone and leaves. (Oh man...the Space Stone in the hands of THAT psycho?
) So while Captain America did successfully secure Loki's scepter with the Mind Stone (along with admiring his own ass after beating his past self in a fist fight) and Banner successfully got the Time Stone, Iron Man and Ant-Man failed to secure the Space Stone. So yeah; things didn't go according to plan. Time to improve and hopefully not f**k up the space time continuum like they're doing already.Banner and Ant-Man return to the present with the Time and Mind stone. And Tony and Steve go back further into time to try and get the Space Stone back.
TIME 2: PRETTY MUCH PRIOR TO IRON MAN AND WINTER SOLDIER (1970)
Team: Captain America and Iron Man
Mission Objective: Space Stone (Again...)
Main Visual Gags: Tony talking to his dad and hoping to God he somehow doesn't screw up his own existence in the process.
So improvising on time travel (like that would actually work well given time isn't like Play-Dough you damn screenwriters) Tony and Steve rogers go to the base in Jersey where the idea of Captain America was born. Of course Cap isn't gonna walk around in his patriotic ass-revealing unitard like a tool so dons a Military Captain's jump suit while Mr. Stark dons a suit and the two go incognito to locate the underground facility Dr. Zola keeps the Space Stone in. While Cap goes off to get Dr. Pym's time juice (yes I forgot to mention they need the same material that shrunk them in order to travel through the Quantum Realm to time travel) he suddenly sees Agent Carter's office. Dammit man; so not only do Dr. Zola with the Tesserac, Ant-Man's dad and Howard Stark work here....but so does Agent Carter? You think for a place that was the birthplace of CAPTAIN AMERICA Shield would choose a less obvious location.
But anyways as Cap gets more Pym stuff, he looks at Agent Carter (who looks amazingly the same as she did from the forties) and looks like he's formulating a plan of his own involving her. Again what he's planning and how that won't screw up time...ah I'm done arguing this movie's logic. XD It doesn't care.
Meanwhile Tony locates the Space Stone/Tesserac and puts it in his briefcase; but not before running into his dad Howard. Tony fumbling for a fake name he introduces himself as 'Howard Potts.' Yeah...that won't change anything.
He and his dad shoot-the-shit on Howard expecting his son's birth without realizing his fully grown son is standing right next to him. Tony realizes he is walking on quantum egg shells and tries to delicately dance around the chance he will be wiped from existence if he flubs this by having a father-to-son talk. Imagine having a talk with your old man before you were born and he didn't even realize it; but somehow you feel familiar to him. You know I won't lie, by this time in the movie I was both fascinated and restless. There are certain parts during the film where you feel it's length and wish it could speed up. But at the same time once you feel the brevity of the situation and see the final outcome of it all, it was worth sitting through. Even though in my case...I seen this film like three times already. But once he's in the clear, Tony parts with his dad and just BARELY screws up his own existence by tearfully thanking his dad for..."Serving his country." Yes..uh...that'll work.
Geez I dunno what I'd say if I meet my dad as I am before I was born. If he asked me what it was like I better not say: "Oh your son will end up pursuing an art career that goes nowhere and will be doomed to draw a bat with giant boobs the rest of his life."
Dad: (ABORT!! ABORT!!! ABORT!!!)
Anyways.....Space Stone in place; let's blow!! Phew....for a heist that involved no aliens or super villains that one was actually fairly tense. Cap and Iron Man return to the present with it. Now that leaves three more of these suckers, so let's see how our other intrepid Time Bandits are doing.
TIME 3: THOR THE DARK WORLD (2013)
Team: Thor and Rocket Raccoon
Mission Objective: Reality Stone
Main Visual Gags: Thor still being an overweight, alcoholic blubbering wreck....and Rocket slaps him.
Back when Asgard was still Asgard before Ragnarok (and Odin f**king things up royally by not telling Thor and Loki they had a psychotic Aku-Horned sister) Thor and Rocket infiltrate the main palace. This should be a piece of cake as this was prior to the Dark Elf invasion. However, one thing Rocket didn't count on was that this was the moment Thor's mother would meet her demise. Upon realizing this (as well as remembering where the Asgardian booze bin was) Thor begins to break down and try and escape back into alcoholism again. As he tearfully loses his cool; Rocket Raccoon smacks him upside the face and tells him to put it together reminding him what they are doing this whole Time Heist for. Talking animals be damned....if a raccoon slaps you across the face and tells you to man up you know you REALLY hit the muddy dark bottom of the pity pool. While Rocket goes off to extract the Reality Stone ether from Thor's girlfriend; Thor confronts his mother and she knows he's not from the current time being a powerful witch and all. Being a loving mother despite Thor's many failures, she assures him all will be well. Again these are the slow moments I wish we could get through; but upon reflecting upon them and writing them....they really are beautiful scenes. Tony talking with his dad before he was born and Thor's mother consoling him even though she knows he's not from their time. They'r absolutely beautiful.
Too bad the movie kept reminding me of Captain America's ass and Hulk hating stairs for life now.
But anyways, Rocket has the Reality Stone and it's now time to say goodbye. But before that, Thor uses 'hammer retrieval' magic and his hammer is back in his possession. He is still worthy! Fat, hairy and a big crybaby...but still worthy dammit! Rocket's reaction is the same as mine. X3 (Could you slap Thor again please?)
TIME 4: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY (2014)
Team: War Machine, Nebula, Black Widow and Hawkeye.
Mission Objective: Power Stone and Soul Stone
Main Visual Gags: Peter Quill's idiocy on full display as well as Thanos's.
Since there are two stones, the remaining Avengers form a duo comprised of two teams. And yet despite being comprised of the more Earthly skilled Avengers (AKA the ones who aren't Thor or Hulk); their mission here turns out to be the most critical. Not only is there just as much risk here as the previous time objectives; but also they're gonna find out really quickly why bringing Nebula here while essential....might not have been a good idea. It begins with Peter Quill doing his famous 'Come and Get Your Love' motivational dance as he prances towards the Power Stone. Both War Machine and Nebula just stare at him amazed this idiot survived for so long. (And probably realizing why he was the one who ultimately screwed things up with Thanos.) Ah well; in one fell swoop War Machine iron knuckles Quill across the face and Nebula steals Quill's little thief tool. Approaching the orb holding the Power Stone. Nebula takes it and the two have obtained their objective. Heh; so only an idiot stood between them and an Infinity Stone. Easy peasy lemon squeezy right? WRONG!!! Cause no sooner does War Machine return to his present time Nebula feels the affects of her current self who is elsewhere in the same galaxy.
For on the other side of the galaxy the other Nebula with Thanos, Gamorra and "Space Voldemort" is mentally linked to the one from the future. Thanos soon sees projections of what happens in the future after he obtains all the stones and accomplishes his ultimately flawed goal. It's through this magic eye projection he realizes the flaws of his already stupid plan and decides to move the cosmic goal post in another direction. But not before "Space Voldemort" decides that Nebula will ultimately betray him and tries to wring her blue neck with his telekentic powers. Is it just me or is this guy not only smarter than Thanos but also more impressive in abilities than him? Sure Thanos is powerful and can withstand a lot of punishment, but that's all he is is just a big purple goon with a lot of strength. "Space Voldemort" on the other hand can telekinetically move objects and anything else around him as naturally as breathing. Not to mention he seems more smarter than him. How is this guy just Thanos's subordinate? And yes I'm aware he has a name (Ebony Maw); I just like calling him "Space Voldemort." X3
But anyways now that Thanos sees through Nebula's eyes (literally) what will ultimately happen, he has his Nebula go and retrieve the other future Nebula. She's not going home anytime soon like War Machine did. And through her he obtains the Pym particles needed to time travel. As you might anticipate this is gonna throw a cosmic monkey wrench into the whole plan.
But before that; there's still one more stone to collect. Black Widow and Hawkeye enter the garbage dump planet of the universe; where they are greeted by the wraith-like Red Skull. Seems befitting of a worse-than-a-regular-Nazi war criminal to be banished to a complete shithole planet for the rest of his life; but why do I have a feeling we won't be seeing the last of him from both Infinity Wars and Endgame? In a scene EXACTLY like that from Infinity War, one of the two Avengers present must sacrifice themselves to obtain the Soul Stone. But unlike last time where Thanos threw his daughter off the cliff to get the stone; Hawkeye and Black Widow battle it out to see who will get to commit ritualistic cliff-diving Sepukku. Black Widow ends up winning, and now the second hottest Avenger to Gamorra ends up dying leaving Hawkeye with a broken heart and the Soul Stone. And the realization that the second most useless Avenger whooped his ass in combat again. (It sucks to be Hawkeye...)
So that's all six stones. Time to go through the Quantum Realm and get back together to put the plan in motion.
OK Roll call:
Captain America! (HERE!)
Iron Man! (Yo!)
Ant-Man! (Back at ya!)
War Machine! (S'Up?)
Nebula! (heh heh heh...here...)
Rocket Raccoon! (Right here meat puppet.)
Thor! (PRESENT AND TOTALLY NOT DRUNK THIS TIME!)
Hawk(snickers)...Hawkeye! (...here -_-)
Black Widow!.........Black Widow!?....Hello?...Widow? Natasha? Ms. Johanssen?
Yes; the team realizes they lost Black Widow. Look she was a swell gal and kept the Avengers together like their mom. They're awesomely hot mom. We're all gonna miss here. But she's with us in spirit...and stone. So she did something that while not Scarlet Witch material was impressive enough to help save the universe. So after brooding over the loss of their fallen comrade, it's time to move onto the final phase of the operation.
Tony creates his own Infinity Gauntlet for the stones (guess you don't need a dead star and a space dwarf to make one after all) and debates who will put on the gauntlet and snap their fingers to make all right in the world again. Cause if you remember; Thanos got pretty shit-faced (more so than he already was) after destroying the stones to make the big cosmic change. It ultimately comes down to the Hulk. Smart move: the guy who exposed himself to thousands upon thousands of rays of Gamma radiation and still coming out both Banner and Hulk and mentally and physically OK should be the guy to perform the world's most perilous finger snap.
Which he ultimately does...while Nebula (not the one they originally went with) uses this as a distraction to go use the pym particles she got to bring her space daddy, sister and double to Earth from the past.
But anyways, Hulk snaps his fingers. Despite being badly burned did the plan to bring everyone back ultimately work? Well let's see. The birds are suddenly singing, Hawkeye's phone goes off to see his wife calling him, Scott Lang says all is right with the world now , Thanos's ship is hovering overhead....oh shit....
Yep; past Nebula brought him back and his ship rained down cosmic hellfire turning Avengers HQ into ground zero. Everyone is knocked for a loop as Thanos re-enters for Round 2. Only this time he realizes what a stupid plan he had all this time and moves the Cosmic Goal Post by introducing a more sinister plan. Rather than wipe out half of life on Earth, he will wipe out all of it and start life over again. Why the change of plans? Cause he saw his demise? No. Because he feels that when he tipped the Cosmic Scales Earth wasn't the least big grateful he wiped out half of humanity and Earth's creatures. So now he'll destroy everyone and re-invent life so they will be grateful for being created without knowing what Thanos did to do it.
....What an idiot.
Is Thanos too much of a purple prick or a complete dumb ass to realize that if you wipe out half the population of the planet Earth despite people moving on and the planet improving a little bit; people will still curse your very name? And when you realize this rather than going for a more realistic goal of universal conquest you're going to annihilate all life and start it over and tell it straight up to the Avengers' faces as they're moving in for the revenge kill!?
Yeah....Thor said it best. Let's kill him properly now.
Thor now has both Stormbreaker and his Hammer, Cap's still got his shield and moxy, and Iron Man is pumping up his Iron suit to deliver the pain. And Thanos has got his strength and some fanblade for a weapon. Maybe Thanos isn't really an idiot but he really isn't right in the head at all. So while three of the most competent of the Avengers take on Thanos; the other ones are trying to keep the new Infinity Gauntlet with the Infinity stones away from Thanos's alien army. You know; thos generic looking space creeps who are pretty much super hero fodder. Left overs from Halo, Mass Effect and Gears of War. Hey super heroes gotta keep busy: we can't make everything too easy for them. So anyway...who has the Infinity Gauntlet and trying to keep it away from these things?....HAWKEYE!!!??!
Oh Jesus God, somebody step in and get it away from him!!!!
Phew...luckily the Nebula the team knew and sort-of-loved steps in and convinces her sister Gamora that she's on the wrong side. As well as proves that old saying from Highlander "There can only be one" by putting a bullet in her past self's head. So thankfully they assist Hawkeye and he's no longer by himself with the Infinity Gauntlet now that he's got two competent super heroes backing up. Thanks Christ for that....
Meanwhile despite their newfound strength and resolve, Thanos is still overwhelmingly whooping Cap, Thor and Iron Man's asses. Even with both Stormbreaker andhis hammer Thor still can't seem to completely beat Thanos. Maybe he got over his drunken stupor, but something tells me he's still not quite sobbered up enough yet to take on an intergalactic titan. Cause then THanos knocks away his hammer and is about to plunge Stormbreaker into his chest. That is...until.....the hammer moves by itself and suckerpunches Thanos in the back of the head. Like an irritated teacher who had a pencil thrown at the back of their head, he turns around and is like "OK! Who did that!?"
Yep...Cap's managed to control Thor's hammer now. And the audience goes ape-shit! It's an awesome fight scene where Cap really looks like he's delivering pain to Thanos with that hammer. But I was busy figuring out how he managed to do it or what movie he was in to gain that ability. Then I remember. When Thor said "YES! I knew it!!" Oooohhhhhh.....Age of Ultron. Where Thor drunkingly bet that anyone who pulled his hammer was worthy of ruling Asgard. And how he nearly gave the kingdom away when Cap was the only one among the Avengers to at least make it budge a bit. Ahhhh I gottya now. Ok..."good" roll with it. XD
So it goes on for a good solid few moments of awesome. But Thanos's resiliency and thick hide (though not nearly thick as his head) overpowers Captain America and knocks the hammer away as well as break his shield apart.
Well it was cool while it lasted...but is there nothing that can stop the California Raisin of destruction? Was that the last of our "Awesome nickel" spent?
A familiar orange glowing portal appears next to cap; and then a familiar trio appears. King T'challa (Black Panther) his sister Shuri and his bald bad ass general Okoye are here along with the rest of Wakanda. Then comes Dr. Strange and the rest of his warrior (totally not Last Airbender) monk brethren. Asgard also rides in on winged horses of doom and the Guardians of the Galaxy come...and...Spider-Man too!! Petey's back!!
Soon the entire ensemble of Avengers who previously disappeared have arrived!! They're all here!! The triumphant music swells, the audience is pumped, and Thanos looks on with the rest of his army behind him (along with Space Voldemort) and is like....of fer fu.....
And Cap reclaims Thor's hammer and says: "Avenger.....Assemble!"
Uh they already have Cap I think you mean "Attack!" Oh well, whatever!
So the battle for Earth begins as all the Avengers of various backgrounds, planets, races, creeds and franchises rush in to take on Thanos and his generic alien army. The whole sequence was like if an EVEN nerdier/dorkier person re-wrote The Battle of Pelennor Fields from Return of the King and the only amount of restraint he showed was not including Rainbow Dash or Twilight Sparkle. The entire scene is each individual Avenger doing their stuff to take on the Horde/Swarm/Covenant. Ant-Man being giant and literally crushing his enemies. T'challa and Okoye doing their Wakanda gymanstics. Spider-Man and Valkyrie flying through the air taking names. Thor and Cap delivering electric pain. Gamorra reunites with Star Lord and gives him a well-deserved knee to the balls. And Bucky....is firing an assault rifle. Uh yeah...keep it up Buck. You're really contributing there. -_-
And yet in spite of all this no one can really put a dent in Thanos....yet. He still has "The high ground" so to say. Until Scarlet Witch re-enters the picture and actually delivers enough pain to him that he starts ordering his alien men to fire on both opposing armies below. Again...who follows this dumb ass? Anyway, with Ant-Man re-united with his squeeze The Wasp, they try and get his van going again with time travel juice so they can get the stones back to their proper place in time before Thanos can reclaim them.
Thanos won't have any of it as he throws his blade into the van exploding it. But eye for an eye...something entered Earth's atmosphere and exploded Thanos's ship. It's Captain Marvel, back and ready to plow through hordes of space assholes like shit through a goose. (No not the cat Goose. Lord knows what a cat with a pocket dimension in its mouth can shit out. xx)
So is this the moment where Captain Marvel will be the true end of Thanos as we might've expected? Well with the help of the not-so-subtle lineup of female Avengers, she makes her way to the purple goon and tries to get the gauntlet off him after he reclaims it. Thanos actually has some trouble. He even headbutts her and she doesn't flinch. Thanos must be thinking it's his end.
"But wait..." He thinks to himself. "She lost to both Android 18 AND Shazaam!" (Takes out the Power Stone and punches her away) "F**K YOU!!!!!!"
So for Thor: Aim for the head. For Captain Marvel: Don't let power go to your head.
So with the climactic battle to which I can only describe "If tumblr threw up all over itself" coming to a close; it looks like Thanos will repeat what he did in Infinity Wars and all is lost. But Dr. Strange hints to Iron Man that "one chance" out of 14 million has arrived. Tony knows what he must do now: Save the world and deliver the feels to the audience. In one last struggle to get the gauntlet off of Thanos, it seems he has failed.
Thanos: I...am inevitable.
(Snaps gauntlet...nothing happens. then sees Iron Man collecting all the Infinity Stones into his own gauntlet.)
Tony Stark:.....and I.........am Iron Man!
With that fateful snap, all the space hordes of Thanos turn into dust around him. It isn't long until the big galoot is on his knees realizing that all he worked for is at an end. The "Mad Titan" is now The "Disappointed Titan" as his idiot ass turns into dust and he fades away from existence. Thank Christ they didn't have him say "I...don't feel so good."
But I'll tell ya who isn't feeling so good: Tony Stark (Iron Man.) It's Peter Parker's turn now to hold someone he really cared about in his arms for one final moment. What goes around. comes around seems to be the theme here. Stark's soft spot for Peter not only saved him but also the whole world as it was one of the reasons he decided to go along with the time travel plan in the first place.
It meant his demise of course, which is why Dr. Strange didn't exactly spill the beans which was wise. But all for a worthy cause.
Iron Man is gone....the man who technically began this entire roller coaster ride of successful Marvel franchise movies. Who's gonna deliver all the pop cultural quips? Oh yeah; Star Lord and Peter Parker. Eh...not as funny as when Tony said it. That Robert Downey always had charisma.
So what follows is the send-off for Mr. Stark as his "Proof Tony has a heart" wreath flows across the river near his house. The entirety of the Avengers is there to which I can describe as who a comic book/movie nerd would want as their funeral.
"Yeah! F**k my family; I want THESE guys at my funeral."
So with Iron Man's funeral over, everyone restored and returning to their proper places (hilarity for Guardians of the Galaxy crew ensues..."I am Groot.") it's time to return the Infinity Stones. This is where we lose another vital Avenger. If Iron Man started the current Marvel franchise, Captain America started The Avengers themselves.
Yep; it's time to say goodbye to Cap...Steve Rogers anyway.
See Cap volunteers to use the time machine they used for the whole Time Heist to return the stones. But he's got something else in mind. Once he returns the stones, he returns to the present as a very old man sitting by the lake reflecting on everything he did. I guess at some point during his life he said to himself "I know many years in the future my comrades will be waiting for me. So rather than just appear before them I'm gonna sit by the lake and make them think something went horribly wrong. Yeah let em shit their pants for a brief second.....I want my leave to be symbolic dammit."
Sam Wilson (that Falcon guy you sorta remember) walks up to him and asks him what he did all these years after returning the stones. Basically Cap lived a life without worrying about running around in his ass-revealing unitard and throwing a patriotic trash can lid at stuff. Speaking of which, he passes his shield over to Sam Wilson (Falcon); and thus becoming the new Captain America. (YesthenewCaptainAmericaisblack) As he places his hand over Falcon's, we see a ring on his finger. No doubt about it. Living that life meant he married and lived it with Agent Carter. Sammy then asks "Do you want to tell me about it?"
Cap's final response and final line in the movie: "No....No I don't think I will."
..........Why not "America's Ass?" You admitted to a double of yourself you had a nice ass, but I guess you feel you're too decent to brag to your comrades that you actually went back in time and nailed Agent Carter.
And with that; Marvel once again nails another colossal hit with Endgame.
(Sits back in chair and realizes what an odyssey it was to write this review.)
Reflecting on this movie I have seen it had it's long moments i wish would go by quicker and the science is completely bogus. But all that doesn't matter when you have three hours of story-telling going in many directions with hundreds of characters being pulled by the strings of fate and telling it well and leaving an impression on people.
It sure as hell did. This movie is the second highest grossing move of all time. And it delivered a solid conclusion to all those years of Marvel movies we sat through; liking it or not.
The entire move despite some slow parts is nothing short of amazing. To handle such a task of concluding the most dramatic events of Infinity Wars was not easy. I wonder if some of the greenhorn writers were talked down to like Rocket talked down to Scott Lang about going into space. "Awwww it's like a puppy! Do you want to make a Marvel movie!? Huh? Do ya? You wanna write a screenplay? Yesh you do! X3"
But in spite of some spotty logic in the writing; the movie is 100% outstanding! It may take a few viewings (god help you all) to fully embrace the brevity of it. But it's totally worth sitting through three hours of cinematic splendor.
Easily a contender for number one movie of the year. I only hope Star Wars Episode IX can have a solid conclusion too. Cause after Last Jedi...it's got an EVEN taller order to fill cause redemption is part of that "To Do" list.
Soooo....now with Thanos gone what's next? Guardians of the Galaxy 3? Nother Spider-Man movie. The newer Iron Man (woman) movies? Eternals. Uhhhh.......uhhhh....
(Looks over at DC)
Say fellas...when's Darkseid showing up?