Twilight, the condensed version

2 min read

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shinga's avatar
When I made the Twilight Sucks comic for Head Trip, I had not read more than a few scenes... which I hated and wanted to stab my eyes out. Several oversensitive fangirls who have decided this piece of overrated shit is their entire reason to exist flipped their shit and said I was unfair... but their only defense was that I hadn't read the whole thing. I found this fair, and decided to try and force my way through it.

I almost made it. Got about 80% of the way through and to get that much, I spent the time writing a condensed version of it to keep myself sane.

And now I shall share it with you, especially those of you who want to know what on Earth happens in this piece of crap but don't want to subject yourselves to the horror.


1. Chapter One
2. Chapter Two
3. Chapter Three
4. Chapter Four
5. Chapter Five
6. Chapter Six
7. Chapter Seven
8. Chapter Eight
9. Chapter Nine
10. Chapter Ten
11. Chapter Eleven
12. Chapter Twelve
13. Chapter Thirteen
14. Chapter Fourteen
15. Chapter Fifteen
16. Chapter Sixteen
17. Chapter Seventeen
18. Chapter Eighteen
19. Chapter Nineteen
20. Chapter Twenty
21. Chapter Twenty-one
22. Chapter Twenty-two, etc, The End

And there you have it.

Feel free to comment if you'd like here, there, wherever. Flames will be LOL'd at. A lot. They are appreciated, I promise you.
© 2008 - 2021 shinga
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Queen-of-Ice101's avatar
Do you think you'll ever unlock your journal? I would love to read the rest of it, I got a kick out of the first chapter summery:)
Heemajeebit's avatar

Any chance you're gonna unlock these parodies again? Wanna show a friend. =P
ice-storm1196's avatar
So, I read this a few times, but I wanted to show my friend.  For whatever reason, I can't get to it at all via the live journal links.  It takes me to just...I think it's the homepage of livejournal?  I was wondering if you took it down, or something.
shinga's avatar
I had to lock a lot of LJ down for a while, but I'll open them back up soon.
MamiSah's avatar
You made me spent in front of my computer the funniest 30 minutes I've had in months.
Goddess. This condensed version was so...
SO necessary.
Harpygirl91's avatar
(bows) I adore you so much for doing this. Here is a 7 chocolate cake for you and some smelling salts for the plot!
letsalldropdead's avatar
I still can't believe you read this far and stayed sane. I nominate you for sainthood 8D
Chocochip2000's avatar
BELLA: I... love you... mom?

EVIL VAMPIRE: Yeees. Okay see ya.

SuperDecoy's avatar
i just want you to know that i now regularly say "it's endearing and makes your character believable" to people when they complain about their clumsiness and various other "unflattering" characteristics... (sometimes sarcastically and sometimes seriously...).
twilight-woods's avatar
I admire you SO MUCH for actually getting through almost all of the book. I started falling asleep around chapter two.
Raini-Tempest's avatar
You are now my new favorite person. :heart:
Necro-Fusion's avatar
I wonder how many times you're going to hear someone say "I love you for this journal". Add another one to that long, long list I'm sure you have locked away somewhere.

Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go burn this book to see if it sparkles.
nomicall's avatar
i have to admit it. i read the first book and my closet fangirl self loved it. the rational thinking side went WTF??? it's sad to say that it actually goes downhill in the second and third books...i'm trying very hard not to read the fourth but the fangirl wants to see how it ends. how sad lmao
Mendras-Terol's avatar
XD See, when I read excerpts on fanart to see what sort of story it was, I thought maybe the artist was paraphrasing or making up poorly written fanfiction. Apparently... not so much. And SPARKLING? THAT'S what happens in the sun?! Ze hell?!
MJT13's avatar
Hey, is it OK if I post up the links to your LJ on my Multiply blog? I'm sure all the smart anti-Twilighters I know will have a huge laugh. And I'll also put up the link to your DA account if you want :) Thanks! LOL, loved your condensed version, too funny :P Plus, your comic(s) too ^_^
shinga's avatar
Of course, go for it :)
MJT13's avatar
Woot! Thanks :)
Desktop-psycho's avatar
This is so true, and makes the fact that the same book, from Edward's point of view, is 'in the works' so much more painful. :D
Actually read through 3 and a half books, IT ONLY GETS WORSE. :)
ShadowRittach's avatar
Neheheh, I loved this so much. xD I wish you had finished the book. Your suffering could have been more laughs for me. Oh well.

I'm probably behind the times but did you know there's a Twilight movie coming out soon? xP
KuroTsuki003's avatar

I must forward this to aaaaaaaall my Twilight-loving friends.
HelenaSun's avatar
Ya know... Someone should make a movie out of your condensed version instead of this filth that passes for a book. I guarantee it will probably be better and a hundred times more entertaining.
lilgryphon23's avatar
This is awesome! Now if I could only convince my friends that there is nothing wrong with thinking Twilight is shit!
Sayuru-chan's avatar
I love the book and I love your parodies xD

I read them for the lulz
Noodels44's avatar
I've been trying to force my way through the damn book since the beginning of the summer!
YOu are AMAZING!!!
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