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1. Telling Ghastly he is 'Hunky' is not advised.

2. Neither is whispering 'The White Cleaver is near...' in Tanith's ear every night before she sleeps.

3. Singing 'Where's your head at?' near Skulduggery is not funny.

4. China doesn't appreciate those dieting books you bought her for her birthday.

5. Nor did they get you on her 'Good Side'.

6. Or in her 'Good books'.

7. Asking Dusk why he doesn't sparkle, however, is funny. 

8. So is telling China her library is on fire.

9. Just don't call a girl cat 'Skulduggery' and tell him.

10. And Skulduggery will not make you 'wet'.

11. So don't ask.

12. You really shouldn't ask Valkyrie how Gary Price is doing. Really.

13. Talking to Tanith like she is a baby, then claiming it was because she was blonde, will get you on her 'To kill' list. 

14. Don't give China a number for a plastic surgeon. Just don't.

15. Don't ask Ghastly to make you sexy underwear, then make it the only thing you wear the next time you visit him.

16. Don't tell China that Ghastly is better looking than she is.

17. Don't refer to Sanguine as 'the Sexy Texan mole' while he's around. Unless it's a dare.

18. The Torment is not Gandalf.

19. Nor is he Dumbledore.

20. While Skulduggery is meditating, don't draw glasses and a Harry-Potter-Style-Scar with permanent marker.

21. Don't change China's ringtone to 'U.G.L.Y'.

22. And don't tell Fletcher he needs to fix his hair.

23. Valkyrie does not appreciate you telling her 'Skulduggery is in a better place now...'

24. However, you may hot-wire Skulduggery's Bentley and crash it into a wall.

25. Then replace it with the Canary Car. 

26. Or the Purple Menace. Or Orange-mobile.

27. You may not tell Fletcher that you know how to make him look even better, then dye his hair sky blue.

28. Or give him a mohawk.

29. Or shave off all his hair.

30. Or shave 'Twit' into the back of his head.

31. Or 'Gay Boi'.

32. But you can try 'Lezbian' and see what happens.

33. Don't ask Skulduggery why he has a bow on his hat.

34. Telling Fletcher to 'get lost' doesn't work.

35. Telling Fletcher that Tanith is waiting for him in the Bentley naked, and telling Tanith that she left her sword in the Bentley is only funny the first time.

36. Ghastly will not 'find your buttons'.

37. Nor will he be a model for underwear.

38. Stealing Tanith's motorbike isn't funny.

39. Nor is stealing her sword. 

40. Although stealing her phone and going through her photo's, shouting 'PORN!' at them all is funny.

41. Asking Ghastly if he could help you 'make slight adjustments your bra ' is advised. 

42. Although for guys it would be to make 'slight adjustments to you boxers'.

43. You don't refer to Bliss as 'Almighty powerful one'.

44. And you don't tell him that Emmett Cullen could beat him at an arm-wrestling match.

45. Don't use the 'Why' technique on Bliss either.

46. Valkyrie is not Skulduggery's 'toy'.

47. You may not call Skulduggery Valkyrie's 'toy' either.

48. But ask Skulduggery why he is 'playing' with Valkyrie.

49. Ask China why she looks so young, and when she says 'magic' reply with: 'Really? I thought it was all the plastic surgery you'd had.'

50. Ghastly was not the 'ugly duckling', but you may call him that.
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Submitted on
May 6, 2013
Submitted with Writer