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Another World

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I'm never sure if I should upload anything... less cheerful. But sometimes to express myself is the only option I have. It's better than nothing, I guess.

I... don't know what to do. Time flies by, another April, another decade. And I notice that I'm less and less capable of feeling, well, anything. Dealing with stress I once wished I could be absolutely calm and not affected by it. Not affected by tons of dirt I have to see in the web. So I got shielded layer after layer. I used to watch stuff like Nostalgia Critic thinking it's fun but very rude. Now I'm ok with that format. And... watching old cartoons I realize just how much less I feel now. No matter how I want to be open-hearted. I still remember those feelings. This rainbow of emotions. It was like colors had a sound, sounds had a taste, cartoon scenes had a scent. And now I'm... digitalized. I only get information. I watch the shapes, I memorizes some tricks, I can reproduce a lot. But the emotions are almost gone. More like I get memories of them, not real ones. Nothing new. No difference between watching old stuff or new stuff.

And that's awful. It's like being dead. My computer can do what I can do. Sure, I keep practicing a bit every day to stay in shape for the case I get something back. A strong wish to draw. Because I need it, it's my only salvation. And now... I sit for hours looking at the empty paper. It's not art block anymore. It's just new me. I feel like I only want some rest. I could sit and watch white paper forever. I don't get any itch, any boredom that would lead me to doing something. An artist without a hunger for experimentation is as good as dead.

I don't even feel like copying screen pauses like I did a million times before. It's now pointless. Why reproduce something if it brings no emotions? It's already created. Not by me. It feels like I've lost the ability to learn. Moving pencil on the paper without it is like raking desert during a sandstorm.

I kinda know where it comes from. Every time I tried to open myself up and create I was getting hit by life, hard. Again and again. And surviving took me to grow this shell. And now I can't get rid of it. I need it but even if I wanted to drop it and risk everything I couldn't. So even when I do get calm nights, I can't force myself to draw anything. Those challenges are about repeating the same thing. Same poses, same shapes. This above... it's nothing new. I did it 10000 times before. It's purely mechanical.

If you wanna see a person broken by life... grab a camera. I'm now strong, I can take many punches, I can tolerate trolling and rudeness, insults and sarcasm. But I can do less and less in art every day. It seems impossible today and I don't think it would get better tomorrow. Should I force myself? Keep scratching the paper hoping it would bring me somewhere? I have vitamins, I have some free time, I have web access, I have tutorials... Could be brain cancer? I dunno. I have no way of checking. Maybe I'm just boring and dumb. Maybe it's age, same as for everyone else.

Or maybe I'll feel guilty for pouring more snots onto you guys, maybe I'll regret going so soft and start drawing in a few days like I never did before. Hope dies last after all. But so far... the facts are grim. It's been like a year already. Probably two years of no comic pages. Many people are mad with me. I deserve that. I failed. If I had a chance I'd do something but I can't. I took several days of "hard reset" lately, doing absolutely nothing. Hoping that natural brain mechanisms would start to ask for some "input". It doesn't happen. I can lie on my bed looking at that old white ceiling forever. I guess I'm really broken.

Not a very nice "yay, 100k pageviews!" picture. Sorry. I wish I had a guidance. Someone telling me what's the right thing to do. Well, that would be a luxury to anyone. We're on the same boat, we don't know how to live a life since we never did before now. =D I really don't know how to get my feelings back. How to turn life colorful again. Any tips would of course be appreciated. Unless it's a cliche like "believe in yourself" and "take a break, change activity". Do that, did that, done that. If anything obvious worked I'd be uploading 5 artworks a day by now. :no:

"Don't make lemonade!"

-----
(EDIT) It feels awkward, almost like I fooled everyone, so I have to say that I don't have a depression. I guess it sounds like it. Depression is more of negative feelings, not a lack of these. I do get tired and upset, sure. But when I get well rested, entertained and fed I can call myself content. But even then I can't experience the perception I used to have as a child. It's more like going blind... inside. ^^; And as far as I know, there are no magnifying glasses for inner eyes. =D

It's nice of you all to try and cheer me up. I appreciate it very much. It also kinda makes me sad because you project your own feelings on me. Former feelings sometimes. Still, I wish I could do the same for you and support you. That's why I became an artist. To transmit emotions through paper into people's hearts. Make them feel better. But now... It's hard to have sympathy that comes from cold-headed knowledge. Knowing how to be kind and being kind are different things. Knowing how to draw sadness and feeling sadness... I'm not sad. And that's the worst. I wish I had depression, then I could cure it. But having nothing has no solution. I can only hope it would change. To better, to worse, to anything that does have a vector that could be turned around.
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anonymous's avatar
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Stuntpony's avatar
Well, that's the problem with creativity. It's either grow thick skin, be cynical but lose creativity, or suffer, but be very versatile in the feeling department. Poets suffer, creative people usually have major mood swings, etc... Keep creating for as long as you can, but don't force yourself to. Find another way to express yourself. Try writing, maybe? *pets Eri*
sherwoodwhisper's avatar
Sure. The second part of Eri's story will be in text. If I ever manage to finish the graphic part. T_T
Stuntpony's avatar
Whatever you do - do not despair. Keep creating, and good luck.
DracoBlair's avatar
Everyone needs some sads to highlight the happies. Drawing only half of the feelings, lessens the effect :)
Omega-Scarlett's avatar
I would like to tell you take it easy, I don't have any advice for you, I know people on internert care you and they wait for you the necesary time to see your drawings.
In my case I admire your drawings I don't know if you remember me but I told you before. it's funny because I tried to did a drawing with your style but It's more a little tribute but you know my drawings are rubbish. Maybe you need to try draw something complicated with other perspectives or angles, I don't know how to say... something you never did, or maybe you can do tutorials (for me it will amazing Mystery Skulls Ghost Headbob Pony: Pinkie Pie ) well I try to tell you draw things you really loved, or think why do you starting draw? sometimes we forget things with the time.

P.D I'm sorry if I couldn't write you more but I'm trying to learn english and my vocabulary is limited, so I hope you be okay nwn you have a great style in your drawings trust me Pinkie Pie x Rainbow Dash PLZ 
sherwoodwhisper's avatar
Don't ever say your drawings are rubbish. Each must be loved like a child. Each is a base for all your future artworks. Whatever you achieve in the end, it all started here. From mistakes and dedication. Parents love their baby who cannot walk and talk yet. They just don't judge their child, they are happy for any success they see he\she makes.

And thanks for your support. :hug:
Omega-Scarlett's avatar
I'm sorry, I've never thought  about that of my art (?), Sometimes I feel frustrated because I would like to be better than now, but I'm improve slowly.
However, I'm sorry if I refer to my drawings like a rubbish because I feel people think that, but in secret I love my drawings and always had a lot of hours, love and sometimes tears when I drew it.

I'm sorry if I couldn't help you with your little problem but I really hope you would be okay and you will continue drawing nwn you can do it.Pinkie pie (awesome) plz  
Stardust0130's avatar
I do not know if you know or not, but I will keep my word of Apr 8th. From today, I will be starting the playing card set and I am honored to declare to make you the dedicated one of the second suite of Diamonds. 

First, I am not lying or any sort, this is a PINKIE Promise.
It is not much compared to your monumental masterpieces, but I hope to reveal them soon to show that MLP and its appropriate art can take many inspirations; from music, to a life's sorrow.

Anyways, remind anytime if you do not want to receive the dedication, but I will be glad and grateful if you do; and keep a lookout for the cards with you dedication!
Peter, and his OC, Stardust
mickey16's avatar
A lot of other brony artist have either burned out or drawn other stuff. If you're not feeling anything when drawing, would it be possible to take a trip somewhere, even if it's to a nearby town to see a friend for a weekend?
sherwoodwhisper's avatar
It's not just MLP and not just drawing. It's a wider problem. Drawing is simply 90% of my life. Well, real life, not surviving part. I change activity a lot. I babysit and go to places. I study languages and exercise my body... If I'm so tired of living, should I just stop breathing and die? I'm not ready yet, I'm not that old. I had plans and now... it's pointless. Although seeing how mechanical behavior is pointless without actually feeling stuff is nice. It proves there really is more than just the material world. Something that we as humans have access to. ^__^
mickey16's avatar
Is it possible to make new plans, or not make a plan at all and just go where the wind takes you?
sherwoodwhisper's avatar
There doesn't seem to be any wind at all. New plans will stay new plans that way. Daydreams. Some people say it's dangerous to daydream. The process replaces living completely. Well, you know the Mirror from Harry Potter, it's a great metaphor. I guess life has scarred me enough for me to wish to just sit and do nothing. I enjoy silence and lack of news the most. If a new day brought nothing new I'm relieved. As if I had to perform a surgery to myself, I had to stay awake for that and I was terrified of pain more than of death. I dunno what to compare it to, people don't seem to understand and I don't really expect much of that. I was always different. Not to show off, really different. Staying away from everyone else, having different values, different wishes... I'm used to doing the journey alone. It's not a choice anyway.
mickey16's avatar
Sometimes you need those do-nothing days. I'm hoping you get some soon. If you ever need someone to talk to, let me know.
LordThunder86's avatar
Man, do I ever feel the same way. The years just seem to fly by. People who were children when I graduated high school are getting married and starting families, and here I am in my 30s with no wife or child to speak of. All I've got is what I thought was a talent for writing and an O.C. I spent two years developing, only to get her out there and no one really cares. I've been a Brony for eight years now and I see authors with 80+ stories to their resume and thousands of followers, and I'm here feeling like I've done jack***t. I could have done more with that time but I didn't and now that we're on the final season I feel like it's too late to have done anything to leave an impact on the fandom.

Eri here inspired that O.C.
Stardust0130's avatar
I do not know if would help you cheering up, but here are my feelings right now. I have been drawing comics and mlp drawings, but after I saw deviantart a few years ago, I looked at all the amazing works; and it helped me accomplish a set of 46 playing cards (planning to do at least 54) for my school band friends with mlp parody. 

This major project will not be completed until April or May, but I am really looking forward to it; the reason I am making this is due to the dedication to the four most influential mlp artists I saw so far (for the past 5 years, I looked at all the works on deviantart but never created an account), and I wanted to say that I want to be one of the four dedicated ones. If you do not want it or whatever, just remind me (just no pressure.)


P.S.: The work will not be completed until April or May, but I will make sure to show you the artworks with your dedication.


P.P.S.: My character image is a picture of one of them, along with a few of my artworks:)

I hope you do mind!
And Good Luck!
Stardust, OC of Stardust0130.
SmallSpiritGraphics's avatar
-hugs the big brother- 
KirbyLiscious's avatar
I'm not sure what I can say, when so much has already been said... and when you're clearly feeling something incredibly complex, and overwhelming, and I'm only a mere stranger on the internet... I guess all I can say is that I care, I truly do and I - we - are here for you. :heart: You say you became an artist to make people feel, to cheer, to uplift - that's why I became one, too. :) :heart: You do support us... I hope you will let us return the favor~ :heart:

I'm not sure if I could really, completely understand how you feel... but I do understand that sense of emptiness - almost like apathy, but not quite. It's not quite depression, either - but in a way, it is... from what I can grasp, it sounds like you've lost your sense of inspiration, your emotions, the sense of an open-heart, and a child-like mindset... did I understand you correctly...? :heart:
If I did, well, I guess I really do know how you feel... as children, we have this vitality, this innocence and yearning, that often fades as we grow older... is this what you're feeling...? :heart: Maybe, perhaps, it's not a new you, but you losing yourself amongst the time that passes...? :heart:
You've mentioned that you love drawing, you love art... you don't want to stop... right? :heart: It's just... hard, because there's nothing to push it for you, nothing to drive it forward... right? You've... lost what inspired you? :heart: I do hope I'm understanding you correctly... :heart:

If you really love art... then don't stop. Don't stop doing what you love~ :heart: I don't really know how to get your feelings back, either, to be honest... but don't give up. :heart: The best I can think of is to actively search for inspiration, to look and not stop looking, in nature, yourself, memories, others, anywhere. Maybe draw what you feel, even if you think you feel nothing... after all, this emptiness upsets you, in a way, right...? Maybe you can find some way to let it inspire you, despite its gray, unfeeling nature~ :heart: We sometimes find our colors in the most unexpected of places, after all~ :heart:

Whatever you do... we're here for you. :heart: This is a vitally important matter, and you should take all the time you need, and do what you must, to figure things out~ :heart:

I'm sorry - I'm really not good with words ^^; I apologize if I've been a burden on you in any way, or if I've misunderstood you~ :heart: I know it's not much, but... if you need anything, please don't be afraid to reach out~ :heart::huggle: Thank you for sharing your burdens with us~ :heart:
sherwoodwhisper's avatar
Hehe, the support is what matters, not the amount of solution it brought. ^^;

It's like... my feelings are a car. And people suggest "go to repair shop, they'll help!" and I say "I lost my car! Nothing to fix!". So people say "maybe you should drive to the hill top, see the sunset" and I have to say again "I don't have a car now! I can't!" XD And they go "well then clean your windows. Or maybe your key is broken?" and I have to answer "I don't have a key or windows, these are all inside my car that's gone!" :rofl:

Yeah... It's impossible to explain. It's all in that mental world that doesn't even have names for things. Since we can't share them so we can't agree on some terms.

I only feel sorry for Eri since she lives in that mental world. It harms her the most. If I can't feel her, I'll only have her appearance to work with. :sigh: 
KirbyLiscious's avatar
:huggle: I'm glad to see people here, supporting you~ :heart: I really hope it's helping, even if only just a little~ :heart: I'm just sorry that I can't do more!! :heart:

I think I know how you feel... it's hard to fix something that isn't there. It's not so much fixing the car as... trying to find it again, or even finding a new one. And heaven knows how hard that is, since no two cars are really the same... :heart: Oooh, I hope I'm not making a mess of your metaphor~ :heart: I completely understand the difficulty in explaining... :heart:
I guess the best we here can do is... look for it together~ :') :heart: We'll find something eventually, right...? :heart:

I know how you feel about Eri. My own characters are pretty much like children to me... sometimes I go through a whirlwind of emotion, and they reflect it - and of course, I feel sorry that they have to struggle through that with me~ :heart: If it helps, Eri has always seemed like such a beautiful, resilient fighter to me~ :) :heart: And... I think she would fight hard for you~ :heart: I hope you are able to feel her again, one day...:heart:

Ahh, I apologize if my positivity is not what you're looking for right now. I don't know if you're just looking for someone to empathize, someone to advise, or just do both - whichever you need, please - feel free to ask for it~ :heart: And... thank you for replying, and trying to explain. That... really does mean a lot to me~ :huggle:
BlueYoukai's avatar
Perhaps you view the car as your only possible way of transportation while forgetting that you have legs. True, they won't take you to desired places as fast as you'd want, but at the same you may learn to enjoy the views and the way itself.
sherwoodwhisper's avatar
*sigh* Now let's turn off the allegory. ^^; It's not a car, I don't have one and never needed one. It's feelings. It's how I experience stuff. I can go to a roller coaster (I never tried one before either) and not feel a thing during the ride. I'd get blood pressure, I'd get a bit of nausea, I'd register some fear but if it doesn't touch me inside it's as good as watching a video of someone else doing it or reading a text about a video where someone does that. There's no joy without... joy. So going places and trying new stuff would be useless without it. Mostly because that's what I do a lot. It "should" feel good because I remain calm and cheerful. I can't experience that but... my body is happy, I guess. Good for it. =D But I am more than a body so I need more. Such a spiritually-greedy scoundrel I am. ^^;
BlueYoukai's avatar
Would you like to talk about it (e.g. on Discord)? I am by no means a psychologist, but I do like analyzing such problems and I would be happy if I could help you somehow. Or I can just listen if you prefer. What do you say?
sherwoodwhisper's avatar
Last time I dared to go Discord with bronies...
Never Again by sherwoodwhisper
I dunno. Thanks for the offer though.
BlueYoukai's avatar
You wouldn't have to join any servers to talk to me one-on-one, but as you prefer. xD
anonymous's avatar
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