I've been debating whether to speak about this or not but, I soon thought 'Fuck it'
For one, my good ol' Divah Sistah
has told me I/people need to speak/talk more about mental illnesses, which is what I'm gonna do. But, I'm also gonna talk about the kind of person I am (Not in a bragging manner though~) ~Mental Illness~
Having a mental illness isn't easy. You have people who believe you're faking it, people pretending the have it like it's some sort of trend or 'cool' to have it, You have those that say ''But you don't look sick'' etc. Mental illnesses are invisible illnesses, we don't need to look like we've been through a minefield to prove it.
Whether you let your illness define you or not is up to you. At the end of the day, you are still you. Even before you got diagnosed with your illness. Yes, some people with an illness can be hard to handle but, you just need patience with them. Easier said than done but, it can be done. People have lost family and friends due to their illness (Like myself) because they just can't deal with the person who has said illness.
What people need to understand is that, whilst our illness doesn't excuse our actions or words/what we say, it does
contribute to our emotions/feelings. Think of it this way; when we get angry, we say things we don't mean right? That's the same way with a person who has an illness. For example, myself; I said hurtful things but that was not
my intention. I was having a bad day, no excuse of course but I said wrong things and such.
People with mental illnesses know that sometimes they gotta help themselves, but, we still need that reminder/push from others to help us. I know people hate sounding like broken records and feel their help isn't helping but, trust us, it is.
I had a friend recently (won't say her name but, I hope she doesn't mind me using this as an example) who was in tears, yelling at me, telling me it was hopeless, this won't work, beating herself up and being hard on herself, even when I threw positive words at her, she threw them back at me... I stayed up til 6am with her because I wanted to make sure she'd be alright (I know I've cleaned myself of regret but, I must mention one regret was not staying with a friend when she was having some anxiety and told me it was okies to leave, only to learn, it had gotten worse and I felt bad afterwards :c ) and you know what? My friend felt better, not 100% sure but, I'd helped her through the negativity.
With mental illnesses people can tend to stress over the same things, even if things have been resolved, our minds just like to bring back past mistakes, it likes/loves to taunt us. Having a mental illness can be hard to understand but, please try to understand some of it at least. It's not easy at all...
We don't want to think like this, even when we know it's not true, it's not easy to switch our brains off. People learn to manage their illnesses differently and some learn quicker than others. Here's a few more quotes I found;
:bademoticon: ~Anxiety & Depression~
My anxiety and depression is always at war with itself. It's like this thing I found;
Here are some symptoms of anxiety & depression;
I have Generalized Anxiety disorder
Now, though I've learnt to control and manage my GAD, I still have my worries. I still have the worries of;
'Shit, I need to get this done'
'I must've worded that wrong...'
'Did I say that right?'
'I can't help, I'm useless...'
Sometimes I tend to overthink things, this explains it best;
Thankfully, I'm managing this now but, it does still slip through the cracks now and then.
I also have Depression
I seem to go from mild-severe. Severe being self harm/suicidal thoughts.
Like my anxiety, I'll have my moments even though I can manage it. Like recently on my break in December, I was having some SAD (seasonal affective disorder)
and these were some of the thoughts running through my mind;
'I'll never get all the arts I want done finished...'
'I feel so lazy and unproductive.'
'I don't wanna get outta bed...'
'Others are doing so much better than me...'
'Ugh, I don't wanna socialize.'
Again, lead to overthinking;
But I managed to keep myself distracted.
Having both of these, is hell. It's a war. Even when I can drown it out, it's still going on in my mind like background noise. Even now as I type this~
I think this quote applies how I feel;
and here's some more;
Not a mental illness, more a physical illness but it can affect my mental health too.
Fibro is hard to explain, so I'll leave this here;www.nhs.uk/conditions/fibromya…
It flares up in the winter. I feel so tired, stiff, achy, my legs feels like they have lead in them, my shoulders felt locked up, so I struggled to to get dressed and brush my hair. I struggled to get up the stairs and just... you can see why this would affect my mental health. It makes me feel useless, helpless, as if I can't do anything or help much even though my family and friends understand.
Fibro is a bitch, it sucks :c
Here's some quotes on Fibro;
I have my good days and I have my bad days, yet when I have my good days, it doesn't mean I'm not in pain still. ~The kind of person I am~
Taking some time to myself to learn self care and self love has helped me reflect on who I am. Thought back to how I've grown... Believe it or not, back then I was quiet and shy. I couldn't say 'no', I felt like a bad friend if I turned them down but soon, I started to gain confidence and able to speak up, able to say 'no' but... it was tough. There were times I'd revert back to how I used to be, I was torn basically. Yet, through all of it I stayed strong willed, just like I am now.
The one thing that always hurt me whilst growing up and through friendships was that I was always
the bad guy.
Now, I have been the bad guy in a recent friendship. I hurt their feelings and I apologised. Admitted my mistakes, took responsibility and suffer the consequences.
I was accused of being something I am not. Something I would never, EVER
I've been accused of many things in my past friendships that went downhill.
Lies is one of them.
It's always the common lies everyone tells 'I'm fine' when you're really not because you don't want to seem like a burden to people.
My words are normally taken the wrong way as if I'm implying something, when that isn't the case. I'm not saying I'm innocent though. I've done a bad thing but that doesn't make me a bad person. I could've kept my feelings all bottled up until I exploded, which would've been MUCH
I wrote down my feelings to explain how I felt; feelings of jealousy, envy, criticizing, yet beating myself up after each section feeling it was stupid. That I
Yeah, I hurt people close to me, those I loved and cared for. Who hasn't?
I mean, long ago, I had a friend who was saying crap behind my back (we've all done this to someone in our lives, even me) me, I only found out from another friend. I tried to talk to this friend but, nothing seemed to work. In the end, me and that friend met up and talked about it all. I forgave her and whilst I can remember what happened, I'm willing to put it behind me and forget.
Because Friendship is more important!
I'd rather have friends than enemies. If someone makes me their enemy, that's their problem.
We all hurt someone we love and care for but it IS
worth fighting to fix things.
However, it'll only work if the other person is willing to fix things too.
Sadly, that didn't happen for me even though, I still wish to patch things up.
I am a strong willed person, I always have been. I can be too generous sometimes but, I'm always nice and friendly to those I meet.
I would never
intentionally cause harm to anyone.
I care about people, I empathise with others, when I hurt them I feel their pain. I can put myself in other people's shoes. I hate conflict, but if I have to face it, I will.
There's been many times I've questioned/thought to myself;
'Am I really a bad friend?'
'I really am a bad person, aren't I?'
'I shouldn't make anymore close friendships...'
'I fucked up bad...'
'I'm slowly being forgotten...'
'Maybe I shouldn't speak my mind anymore or be honest and truthful...'
I'm sorry I've bombed this journal with quotes but, I do have some more when I've been reflecting on myself;
I know I'm not a bad person, illness or not. I've made mistakes and bad decisions, said things I didn't mean and anything else that involves this thing being called 'Human' I've tried to fix things. I tried making effort.
Bottom line is; I tried.
And that's all I can do. I can only do my best, I'm still learning. I'm not gonna get things right first time, nobody's perfect.
I'm learning from my mistakes. I'm bettering myself, improving myself. I'm a person who just does what she can even with these illnesses of mine. I'm a lot of things as a person but, I'm always determined and strong willed. I'm a trooper. I've gotten through many things before and I will do it all again...
Thanks for taking the time to read this everyone~ I hope the section about me didn't come off as bragging or blowing my own trumpet
and apologies once again but the bombardment of quotes, they just help along to explain what I'm talking about.
To anyone suffering with a mental/invisible illness and/or disability, do your best to stay strong and keep going! Keep fighting everyday!
I believe in you~! ♥