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The apparitional form with shadows cloaked
About as a thief voraciously stalking prey,
A wolf that roams the forest’s furrows sulking,
Disturbing the pleasant dreams of sleeping fae;
A madness gleams from light between the brush
In wild eyes, reflects this demon’s hull,
A shade, it stalks the victim beneath the hush
That fell upon the tenebrous earth, a minstrel
Proclaiming the deeds of dead and fallen souls
With quiet brooding, breathing life to fear,
The cursed fog to spread through streets, enclosing
The innocent without defense, to sear;
       A hunter closes in, it strikes in rage;
       Tonight there dies, a sacrifice, the image.
First sonnet.
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tiamat9 Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2005   Traditional Artist
Nice work. It is quite stylish, imaginative, and descriptive. Fine sense of atmosphere in the piece as well.
sharkoftheday Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2005  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. I try to create an image, if not a world, through poetry as much as possible, it conveys what I want the reader to see much more effectively than merely saying it.
Granted, that is a common goal for all poets, but it is true nevertheless. Simply, I adhere to the belief of don't tell me what you mean, show me your sense of reason and emotions and then I will listen.
tiamat9 Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2005   Traditional Artist
You're welcome. Very nice work.
suckerforsunrises Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2004
I see what your message is, and it's a pretty interesting one. I actually took it as a microcosm for society or perhaps an allegory for an real-world story. The tale is developed well, but I really had to search to see the collapse of a hunter. The word choices all show power and dominance on the hunter's part and only a shade of weakness (no pun intended) in the last line. It's aggression is written very well, bravo, but a little more emphasis on the collapse with some weakening words might help finish the plot.

Bah, I'm sorry, enough critiques for tonight. :)
suckerforsunrises Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2004
Brought to you by ~WeCritique

This is certainly one of the more interesting pieces that I've had the pleasure of reviewing since the start of my tenure with this group. You did a wonderful job in many aspects of this, bravo. Besides, I'm a sucker for people who actually try to use a style and/or form, call me crazy.

First things first. To call this poem a sonnet would not be completely accurate. True, it has 14 roughly similar lines and a loose rhyme scheme, but that's only the top layer of what a "sonnet" truly is. Before I go into this next part, I just want you to understand that you don't have to write a textbook sonnet, and deviation from the norm is what this site is all about. However, you might find the following information helpful, so I'll spit it out.

The form for a traditional sonnet involves two major parts: the octet (two sets of four lines) and the sestet (two sets of three lines). Keep this in mind when plotting out how the writing will develop. Simple Shakespearean sonnets - the kind I recommend sticking to - involve 12 lines that rhyme every second line and then two lines that rhyme at the end. These are very easy, fun to write, and generally easy on the reader. However...

A pure sonnet, or as I call it, a "hardcore sonnet", works like this. The 1st, 4th, 5th, and 8th lines have the same rhyme, while the 2nd, 3rd, 6th, and 7th line all rhyme as well. The sestet then either has three or two rhymes, working every second or third line, respectively. Check this out in Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnet XIV .

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
I love her for her smile--her look--her way
Of speaking gently,--for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of ease on such a day--
For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee,--and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheek dry,--
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou may'st love on, through love's eternity.

Not too shabby, eh? Also vital to both pure and Shakespearean sonnets is meter. Notice how easily that piece flows. That's because each line (which the odd exception of the 6th in this particular one) has ten syllables and an accent on the second of each set of two. In other words, if thou must love me, let it be for nought. Using meter is one of the most difficult parts of a poem, but using it effectively can have remarkable results.

By the way, Browning's style here is iambic pentameter (iambic = ba BUM ba BUM style, pentameter = 5 ba BUMs) for all but the 6th and 9th lines. Iambic pentameter is a favorite among almost every influential sonnet writer in history and was especially popular with William Shakespeare himself. In case you were confused by that like I was at first, use this: smile = 1 syl, certes = 2 syl, beloved = 3 syl.

With that out of the way, I thought your natural writing skills were incredible. Great sense of drama, the imagery was there, the story was strong and well-developed, metaphors were powerful...I certainly did not miss these parts, as they make this poem excellent in its own right. The only have two things to really mention, and they are both just suggestions, not corrections.

1) You referred to the light and dark multiple times in this piece, but don't fully elaborate on it. You could really bringing the light and dark out as its own subplot or metaphor for the events unfolding, as more common forms of imagery (light, color, senses) help the reader completely immerse himself/herself.

2) I can definitely feel an underlying message that this hunt is a microcosm, but it is hard as a viewer to fully understand exactly what you are hinting at. I have a general idea, but a few words to guide us in the right direction might help a lot and make this poem have more impact. If there is no message, then I am a loser and look to far into things, so just ignore this.

Congratulations on a job well done. Keep up this good work, I can't wait to see what's next from you!
sharkoftheday Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2004  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you much, i appreciate everything. I am not exactly familiar with the Italian Sonnets though have been reading and am familiar with Shakespeare's.

The first thing you mention is a bad habit i have of referring to them as entities. Thus, I will do for the future.

The second thing, i was unsure as to how clear the message was and hadn't gotten an opinion on that....This is essentially what i was trying to say: the concealment of the prey was intentional to ask who was being hunted by the hunter and create a predator-prey relationship where the prey is insignificant because what is killed is actually the hunter itself. It is possible there is not even any tangible prey at all. If i may ask, is this conveyed?
peppermint981 Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2004
I can see the imagry of your words as if they were right in front of me. Beautiful.
NotEntirelyMe Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2004   Writer
I love the ending.
Soul-Of-Fire Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2004
One of the best sonnets I've ever read on here. You've got skill, Eric, and you know how to use it. :)
Keep it real.
sharkoftheday Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2004  Hobbyist Writer
I wonder if it is enough to make a career. The business world isn't my thing and not other option is quite as appealing. I don't know except submitting it for criticism. The problem there is uncertainty of whether I have a use for it, knowing well enough that it does not serve as that kind of determinant.
hezekiah Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2004
My favorite form :). Great work; really excellent use of imagery.
sharkoftheday Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2004  Hobbyist Writer
So I've heard. Thank you. I think that's the most recent trend in thought. (Letting the poem speak for itself.)
TheFlawedOne Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2004  Hobbyist Writer
Very nice sonnet! I'm surprised this is your first one! Good job on this. I love it!
sharkoftheday Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2004  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. I'm reading Shakespeare's sonnets intermittently. I think that has helped somewhat.
TheFlawedOne Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2004  Hobbyist Writer
Very nice sonnet! I'm surprised this is your first one! Good job on this. I love it!
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