I have started this blog to explain what I have been doing to myself, it is more for me to understand than for anyone else.
My twin sister and I were very close and even though she died at age 22, I was so grateful for the short time we had together, I was devastated when she past away, my mom and dad had already past two years ago, so we thought of ourselves as orphans, but we had each other, and thats all we needed, the funeral was hell, everyone was there except my aunt and uncle, they couldnt make it because they lived in England, truth is we lost touch with them a few years before mom and dad died, I liked them they were always doing crazy things, they were so much fun.
Time past and so did Jenny (My sister), with still no word from my aunt and uncle, I wont lie it was a tough time for me I was alone for the first time in my life I missed my sister and I'm not ashamed to say that from time to time I would sleep with her nightgown, just to keep the essence of her alive, then things went from bad to worse, I had a breakdown, I couldnt stop thinking about her, she loved her collection of shoes and I would wear them sometimes but not for very long, they hurt me like crazy, lol, but I didnt want to give them up, it was a reminder of her, and I think I became accustomed to the pain, I didnt mind, it made me think of her even more.
One day I sat at her vanity table just messing around, I picked up her favorite pick lipstick, and ran it over my lips, thinking of her while I was doing it, I know what it sounds like but I didnt care no one could see me, as the days past, I started to wear more and more of her things, and even more make up, I could see her in me.
As time went by I began to let Jenny take over more and more of my life, it wasnt a problem, people stop calling round when you dont answer the door and after a while they stopped contacting me at all, we were never close to our neighbors on the farm, I dont think they even knew Jenny had died, we kept ourselves to ourselves.
It made me happy to think that a part of Jenny was still around, I would work from home whenever my I.T. company would allow, I would dressup like Jenny and wear some of her favorite clothes, no harm done I wasnt hurting anyone.
Thats me, hair parted on the girl side, I know I look a little flat chested.
The more I lived as Jenny the better I got, then one day while I was working on my computer I got a message from my aunt and uncle in England, dont ask what I was thinking I was in the middle of a very important project for work, I was distracted for one second and hit the “I accept” button, turns out it was a video call from them both.
I couldnt believe what I saw, My aunt and Uncle staring at me from 3000 miles away, I froze too scared of what they would think of seeing their nephew dressed as I was.
“Hello Jenny” said my aunt “How are you holding up, we just got the news.”
I held my hand to my throat and told them I had a sore throat, I told them I would type my answers, “Im ok how are you guys”
We were in the indian Ocean when we heard the news, it just said a death in the family, how did Jeff died, was it a car accident or something?
“Its still very hard for me to talk about.”
“Don't even try sweetheart, I cant imagine what you have been going through, I told your uncle not to bother you but he said we cant just drop in on them, we need to call you first, so dont even give it a thought about picking us up, we will just get a cab from the airport, see you soon Bye for now” and she hung up....
I thought to myself, Omg they are at the airport, I cant get changed fast enough, and theythink im dead anyway, I wonder if I can pull this off while they are here, Im sure it will only be a couple of weeks at the most, No wonder they didnt hear of Jenny’s death while they were in the Indian Ocean, and for them to only get a message that told them there had been a “Death in the family” no wonder they weren’t shocked when I popped up on their screen.
15 minutes later I heard a knock on the front door, this must be them, I held my hand to my throat and let them in.
“Hi Honey, how are you feeling?” Asked my Aunt,
I waved my hand that told them not bad, “Thats it dear dont strain your throat, your uncle and I will just make ourselves at home, my uncle was dragging two suitcases behind him, I showed them to my mom and dad’s old bedroom. I never could find the strength to move in there, it had always been their’s and always would be.
“Thanks dear Im sure we will be fine in here” she said,
The next couple of days were taken up by them doing basically everything for me asking “If I needed anything” “How’s your throat” I did find out they were only staying two weeks, I could do two weeks, and my Jenny voice was getting better, so much so I thought I might be able to wish them a nice trip home by the time they left.
One day when I was outside I thought I heard them arguing about something in the house, I thought it better if I stayed outside till they got finished, about an hour later after it had died down a little i ventured inside to see if everything was ok, I croaked, “Is everything ok now Aunty, I heard you and uncle arguing earlier”
“It wasnt important dear, your uncle I just had a disagrrement about something”
“What was it Aunty” I asked?
“I told him we should pack up all your brothers clothes and maybe someone could get some use out of them at the Goodwill store, but he said you may not be ready for that yet, but he had to agree with me in the end, he usually does, ha ha”
I almost blew it when I shouted, “Where is he, has he left,” it was in my voice but I kind of screamed the words in a high pitch, I dont think my Aunt noticed, “He left about 20 minutes ago, dont worry he will be back soon”
I almost fainted, all my clothes gone, and only Jenny’s clothes left, my Aunt thought I was upset at losing my brothers clothes so she sat me down to comfort me.
”Its ok dear, you dont have to thank us it needed to be done and I think you know thats true, its for the best”