So to catch you all up: after a domestic violence situation with the ex roommate's BF, and thinking it was all solved three restraining orders later (mine, hers, property management), Section 8, who had a contract with her but not me, illegally kicked me out. We believe they were motivated by the ex, because they previously had no objections. So after applying, being approved, signing a lease, paying rent and deposit, and being a good tenant, I have no home anyway. Section 8 did me a huge favor ultimately, but the time between has been rough. I was on the streets a night, then ended up in the psych hospital for 12 days being treated for depression, anxiety, trauma, PTSD and nightmares. They discharged me to a treatment center for same, and I am there now.
It isn't just what recently happened, but a lifetime of abuse also. The fact that I can verify my severely abusive family currently doesn't love me (and never did) from their behavior in this crisis and previously (minimal involvement from brother and crickets from parents) was messing me up. The fact the highly abusive ex divorced me after 20 years, screwed me over in every way, I didn't get maintenance or even my own belongings back, and his parents paid for it and no one in his family will speak to me, this was messing with me. The various abusers in Tucson, ending up in three unhealthy living situations I had to exit quickly with few options. After all that I concluded the whole world was against me, would always be, had no one, no hope, and no future. So I decided to end my life. I wrote a suicide note on Facebook and told friends goodbye. Two friends reached out and saved me. Also the Lord had told me to go to the hospital, they have free water. So I was in the cafeteria when the emotional storm hit, as He knew it would and I did not. Short walk to the ER. They hospitalized me, duh, for 12 days in the best psych hospital in Tucson. The hospital discharged me to a treatment center, which will treat me for all the trauma/PTSD stuff. A lifetime of shit broke the table; it couldn't bear the weight and collapsed. I will be here for a lengthy stay.
The Lord has been good and taken care of me every step. Even the night out, He made sure I was allowed to hang out at a bus depot guarded by their security, and the weather was nice that night too. But it was so hard and took its toll.
He put me in the best psych hospital in Tucson; He arranged for me to go to a peaceful place to transition and made sure I could stay awhile. He saved my life over and over, healed my body and mind to the point it messed up my medical charts, because many old diagnoses no longer apply. Docs here are rebooting everything chart wise and putting my history in history. I am literally a new person. He did all that either directly or through agents; He gets all the glory and I am profoundly grateful for all that.
But I am also angry, and today He commanded me to express the anger I have at Him. It is choking me and preventing me from trusting Him. I didn't do it because didn't want to offend Him, but now He says I have to. So here goes.
Lord, You delivered me from inside my mother's womb to a lifetime of horrendous abuse. I was even abused before I was born, as the birth mother drank so heavily while pregnant with me, she was chastised for it in the 60's!!! I didn't stand a chance at any time. Every decade brought fresh sorrow and suffering. Finally concluded there was no point and decided to end it, why live when nothing ever got better, and I am now 50. I am on some levels still struggling with this. Why did you give various friends loving happy families and me a family who abused and rejected me literally all my life from infancy? That the parents are in their 80's and don't care any more now than they did then, and still enjoy causing pain and have done so? The brother who is in touch when and how it suits him, who is guilty of so much and never repented but tried to escape all consequences? That the ex turned into a monster, did so many awful things, and his family took his side although they knew what he was doing? Promised to protect me and then just didn't? Punished me severely for daring to escape a very dangerous situation, because they were all controlling me and I defied them? Then Tucson, the bad church. You did so much for me there, but it was You and not them. All the adversity made me who I am now, but why should it have been that way? I left because I realized the truth, and five months later I was the hottest topic of the gossip mill although I mostly dropped contact? They read on FB what was happening, popped popcorn, gossiped, and did not help for the most part? (I blocked them all.) The crappy dangerous group home where they straight up lied about the job so I would take it? The danger and abuse there, so bad I packed my things and called a cab one morning, and bolted? They didn't even pay me or reimburse my expenses? I moved in with ex roommate, all THAT happened, and here I am now.
You constantly put me in harm's way. You placed me with a terrible family after my mother abused me in the womb and then abandoned me at a month old? I inherited severe genetic mental illnesses; I required a full decade of treatment to become functional. Even now there is serious spiritual warfare You don't protect me from. You allow me to go through terror after terror. WHY?? Honestly, WHY?? What did I ever do to You, that I suffered abuse and abandonment even before I was born??? Why does everyone else get happy lives and good relationships? Lord I have had my own sins and failures, and ways I harmed others in turn, and sorry for that. But I wouldn't have been that angry, hostile person cutting people off for trifles and spending lots of time trolling people without that background. I had a lot to be angry about. I see my evangelist friend whose life is love, family, friends, wealth, blessings and wonder why You gave her all that but me what I lived? I never stood a chance. And now there are new enemies doing new things spiritually, and to protect vulnerable people You are allowing this. I said yes but still. When shit goes down in the wee hours and I wake up shivering although this is the hot desert, when following You leads me straight into the gates of Hell, WHY???
Seriously, WHY??? If You didn't give me such a crappy life, You wouldn't have to save me so much! On top of the abuse, I was seriously, medically ill, disabled, and gonna die? WHY????
He isn't answering. But I got my feelings out. The answers will come in time I know. Why are people so evil and hurt others? Why did You create the situation You did in the beginning of it all, KNOWING the results of sin would be this epicly fucked up world, and You did this anyway? I don't get it. Why did You create Lucifer in the first place knowing all he would do? I don't get it and it is beyond me.
Better and wiser people than I do not know the answers. But it is what it is. This is the hand I was dealt and the life I lived. I learned to love abusers as a child so have continually chosen them unconsciously. Time to end this cycle. But Lord, I love You beyond reason and forgive You for all this due to You, Your beauty, Your continual love and goodness. I do. But I don't know how to cope with this or move on. Please help me.
Very long. If you read it all, yay! If not, it's OK; I did it for me and out of obedience. Now what to do. I love You Lord, and praise You for Your amazing blessings, but I am struggling.
I need reasons to go on.