god, what am I doing

3 min read

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sediment's avatar
By sediment
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girlfriend gave me a breakup message on Friday.

it's largely my fault, I think. I've been distant lately and she'd mentioned she felt less than a friend with me, which.. really cut me deep, because of how true it was. I think she had a perception that I was valuing her time less than the time of my other friends, and that I wasn't taking our relationship seriously at all. like i'd decided somewhere along the way i was 'done with' our relationship and stringing her along while i looked for an out or something.

i don't work like that - i can't work like that, it's just not how i'm wired. i'm such a private person that - to look at things totally outside my feelings - the personal investment involved in opening up to someone i care about takes so much that it's something i've never been keen to do. prior to her, i've always kept my significant others basically at arm's length, and it's led to catastrophic failure in all prior relationships.
i think she's the first person i've ever dated who's really, truly known me for who i am. past girlfriends and boyfriends have been more concerned with how their own day has gone or how badly they want to get fucked at any particular instant, and she is the first person i've loved to actively pass on things that genuinely interest me. it's really touching and lovely to wake up to a collection of fashion shoots and a couple jugendstil prints sitting in my inbox, and doing collaborative work was always really engaging due to the differences in our styles and approaches.

truth be told, i haven't really been talking to anyone lately, aside from her, and aside from my classes. even then, i haven't been very talkative. i guess i had a black mood come over me and wanted to spare people the misery of my company, because nobody likes a cranky bitch who won't shut up about the thousands of things bothering them. (that bitch would be me)
i think i've really fucked things up this time. we'd have our 8th anniversary in about three months. well, two months, seventeen days. so i guess two and a half. we were friends for years before we started dating, so if this is really the end, then not only have i lost a lover, partner, and dearest confidant, i've also lost my closest, longest-term friend.

what really crushes me is.. from what i gather, this separation isn't any great relief for her as yet, either. more than anything i just want her to be happy, and i feel utterly impotent right now.

i guess i'll keep ring-shopping to occupy myself in the unlikely, miraculous event she does take me back. i guess holding out hope she'll give me a second, second, second chance is stupid, but i don't know that i'm capable of loving another person as much as i do her.

so, basically, expect some pretty miserable work from me i suppose. i guess, to anyone reading this, that would be the overall impact on your life.
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