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About Varied / Professional Core Member 💚 Rin Satsu 殺凜 💚Female/Unknown Recent Activity
Deviant for 6 Years
3 Month Core Membership:
Given by LethalTickling
Statistics 343 Deviations 2,972 Comments 681,876 Pageviews

Newest Deviations

+Tickling+ Sailor Moon by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+Tickling+ Sailor Moon :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 316 13
+DiD / Feet+ Jaiden +3+ by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+DiD / Feet+ Jaiden +3+ :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 331 55
+DiD / Feet+ Jaiden +2+ by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+DiD / Feet+ Jaiden +2+ :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 370 52
+DiD / Tickling+ Jaiden +1+ by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+DiD / Tickling+ Jaiden +1+ :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 497 32
+Character Sheet+ Truffle Porcelain by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+Character Sheet+ Truffle Porcelain :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 124 18
+DiD / Tickling+ Mira by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+DiD / Tickling+ Mira :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 182 3
+DiD / Feet+ Taiga Aisaka by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+DiD / Feet+ Taiga Aisaka :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 589 16
+Gift+ SilverPixels by ScreampunkArts +Gift+ SilverPixels :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 42 2 +Tickling+ Winry Rockbell by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+Tickling+ Winry Rockbell :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 382 11
+DiD / Feet+ Ashley Graham by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+DiD / Feet+ Ashley Graham :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 200 4
+Tickling+ Claire Redfield by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+Tickling+ Claire Redfield :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 267 4
+Tickling+ Crossover Lineup by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+Tickling+ Crossover Lineup :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 544 16
+Bondage / Feet+ Homepage Art by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+Bondage / Feet+ Homepage Art :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 217 4
+Feet+ Coco Bandicoot by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+Feet+ Coco Bandicoot :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 156 3
+Feet+ Pharah by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+Feet+ Pharah :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 155 9
+Bondage / Feet+ Alpina NicAlasdair by ScreampunkArts
Mature content
+Bondage / Feet+ Alpina NicAlasdair :iconscreampunkarts:ScreampunkArts 154 9

Visitors

Quite a few kind-hearted people lately have expressed concern for my health, following recent interactions on streams, social media and the like.
Sometimes I may come off as slightly irritable & cynical, and while I always do my best to use judgement in all situations and treat everyone I meet with respect, sometimes it can be difficult to keep the temperature low and I may say things I regret.

I apologize if I ramble in this post, but as many know, I have a hard time shutting up once I start.

To explain, I need to go back a bit:

When I started on Patreon, it was to come off an 8-year unemployment streak since 2007, moving to a new home where I had none of the provisions of my old town in 2010, several much-needed attitude adjustments in 2013, and a mental breakdown in 2014. I was at rock bottom.

I suffered with depression, severe anxiety and abuse from my mother & peers my entire life, both at home & school. I was always "that kid", the class tard, the one everyone agrees it's acceptable to pick on, even my teachers. I had only one friend in school, who I almost never saw outside. I would spend most days drawing instead of working, and wandering around the town & playing video games after school, in an attempt to stay away from my mother and seek comfort in the world of fiction. This resulted in years of self-harming and multiple suicide attempts, which I still have the scars from.
I was unable to take art in school, due to an incident with a teacher where I'd tried to do the right thing and explain to her which students had been causing severe disruptions that lesson, and for no reason, she told her aunt - a higher-up teacher - that I'd been "verbally abusive" and threatening to her. This allowed her to force me to be removed from art for the final three years of high school, where I'd be sat alone in a hallway every lesson where everyone else could freely laugh at me.

Having surgery to correct scoliosis just before my 17th birthday left me partially disabled - unable to walk, stand or even sit up straight for more than about 30-45 minutes at a time before experiencing severe pain. This is why when I stream, I take frequent breaks for a few minutes at a time, to give my back time to stop hurting so I can keep working.
I got my first & only paid job as an apprentice butcher the following summer, and had to quit due to the pain being too unbearable to stand behind a counter all day.
Having absolutely no prospects of anything from my bottom-grade high school, I dropped out as soon as the GCSEs were over, knowing I'd get nothing from them.
I then lost contact with my one friend, and any attempts made later in life to reconnect with people from school were met with the same harassment, scorn & rejection I'd known back then.

I tried to take Art in college under the delusion that an Art GCSE would get me real work, but while experiencing confusion with my sexuality, I considered myself gay for a time, which came out to my circle of "friends" at the time, spreading to some cowards higher-up in the college and getting me expelled for no other reason than perceived homosexuality, after only a few months.
I began job hunting immediately after, which landed me 8 years of handing out 100+ job applications every month (I wish that were an exaggeration) and never landing a single successful interview, attending 4 different "training courses" where I was forced to listen to some condescending suit prattle on about how to improve employment prospects, while using the people there as a statistic to hide unemployment rates in the UK and taking credit for any one success.

I'd tried to be taken seriously as an artist online since I was about 13, starting off in small communities on Fur Affinity (following my long-term ban from deviantART due to admittedly my own bad behaviour) but looking back on it now, who would take someone who drew awful, cringey Sonic shit even remotely seriously? Even after I got into doing fetish art, I'm amazed anyone took me seriously until I was at least at the level I was at in 2017.
Being the immature jackass I was, I took out my frustrations & insecurities on the people around me, especially online, from around 2009-2012. Actions I would spend years regretting, and - to a certain point - still regret.

Following a violent assault in the street by two girls from school with reputations of being delinquents, I had to get a stranger to drive me home, only to then call the police and be laughed out of the interview room by the female police officer.
Needless to say, I was left with severe identity issues that made me question everything about myself.
Coming out as transgendered in 2013 did nothing to help the situation, and only exacerbated the harassment & abuse from my mother, who laughed at me when I was bullied for years and sexually assaulted 3 times in school & college, by another two girls each time, and once by the psychotic son of the drunk she was involved with. Because, still presenting as 'male' at the time, I was - and still am - scrutinized under that sexist stigma that says 'men' can't be bullied or victimized, especially by women. And that if you're taller & bigger than someone, you just have to 'take it' and never stand up for yourself.

Struggling to cope, I was volunteering at the charity Age UK in 2014 when I suffered a total breakdown, following the Job Centre changing the dates of an appointment and claiming I missed it (look it up, it's not pleasant). This subsequently gave me a severe infection following my last self-harming incident, which I was lucky to recover from without any lasting damage but another scar.
Bringing up my history of suicide attempts and self-harming - and recent utter depressive collapse - I was finally diagnosed by a psychiatrist, and placed on a course of medication & counselling which frankly did nothing to help, making me feel worse.

In 2015, I lost my only remaining source of income, ESA (basically given to people with long-term sickness who are unemployed) due to the cruel, inhuman "fit to work tests" of the DWP (again, look it up, it isn't pleasant) where I was humiliated & scrutinized despite all evidence proving me to be a danger to myself.
I spent these last few years trying to clean up my act and improve myself as a person following what an edgy cunt I used to be in my early-20s and how badly I treated people online. But it still wasn't enough.
I decided to just do my own thing and let go of the past where possible, ignoring people who chose to still hang on to that stuff. I've done my apologizing, and I've done my bettering.
I'm not that person anymore; it's not my fault if you still are, 8-9 years later.

In 2016, I attempted to meet with a girl I'd been involved with online since about 2011-2012.
I won't go into detail, as it was a traumatic incident that pains me to recall, but to put it simply: My heart was broken by the people meant to protect us, I now have a strong phobia of airports, and my anxiety is worse than ever.
This led to my last suicide attempt in December that year, for which I was hospitalized. I chose to keep this to myself online, feeling I'd just come off as an attention-seeking drama queen.

There's a lot of other shit I could go on mentioning, but this post is too long already.

My last-ditch attempt to make any possible career out of my art and survive in this situation was Patreon, which I thought would be fine. I set up my account in September 2015.
It was growing at first, and everything seemed alright. I thought by now, I'd be able to leave this place and be independent.
But while I hate casting blame, this entire situation now is Patreon's fault.

First changing their policies regarding NSFW content, then attempting to screw over patrons by offsetting fees, and the recent deplatforming & censoring of individuals with inconvenient opinions.
In the current climate where NSFW content is being attacked more heavily than ever by members of... certain parties who will go unnamed to avoid politicizing this post, it's now more difficult than ever for artists in my niche to survive, making the endless harassment, slander & piracy we have to endure online even worse.
Due to Patreon's recent actions, I've lost 10-15% of my income, because of patrons cancelling their accounts entirely as an act of protest against Patreon.
The sad thing is... I agree with the former patrons. I understand why they're doing that, and I do not agree with Patreon's deplorable actions for even a second.
My last transparency post covered my general expenses etc. from up to the end of November 2018, which I can no longer keep up with.

My current day consists of usually waking up with a headache - being unable to afford medicine and having limited access to drinkable water (long story) - working on art for up to 20 hours at a time with the bare minimum equipment I've been able to scrape together, constantly feeling like a walking corpse with a head full of fog, eating once - sometimes twice - a day, and crashing as soon as I can't stay awake any longer. I have no friends, no lover, no company apart from my abusive mother, and I only see my father once a week for an hour or two at the most. The rest of my family don't give a damn about me.
I rarely shower anymore due to being unable to afford hygiene products, my clothes are all either damaged or old, I only ever leave the house to buy food, and I end up having to survive on what I can get from the local convenience store, because it's a 50-60 minute walk both ways to the cheaper supermarket, and by the time I get home, I'm tired and my back is in agony, at which point I can only sleep. I'm just a worn-out train wreck.
Instead, I spend as much time as I can working on art, because this is all I have, and at this point, I'm afraid to ever look at my Patreon page in case the numbers have gone down again.
I used to think this was because I wasn't posting enough, but it seems to now happen no matter how much I work. What makes it worse is that I'm still looking for a "real job" in my small amounts of free time, and haven't had a single interview since 2015.
I thought working on a real video game and having my own website now would help, and at the start of December, I was actually seeing growth & some semblance of hope, but then Patreon decided to screw us all over.

It seems like the harder I work, and the more I try, the harder I fail and the more I'm ignored by everyone all over the internet, the only place I can operate in peace.
Every day is just try, try, try, fail, fail, fail, setback, setback, setback, abuse left right & centre, and I'm exhausted. I make plan after plan, goal after goal, and I'm never able to fulfill any of them, because I simply can't handle this.
Many days I attempt to spend every waking second working on art, but often end up sitting in front of Photoshop just staring at my art. I know streaming would help, but when basically no one turns up or engages in the chat, it only makes me more self-conscious until I just turn off the stream and cry.
I'm not ashamed to admit any enthusiasm I show on streams, social media or chats like Discord is forced & fake, and I try my hardest to keep all this buried so I can put on a good show for my fans. I get no joy from anything I do anymore. No anger, no sadness, I can't feel anything anymore. I'm just... numb.
I'm 28 now. At this point, I don't know how much longer I can survive like this. I haven't even been able to make rent this month and can barely afford food at all. At the rate I'm going, I'm going to end up homeless by the end of the year, or suffer another breakdown if I can't afford to pay my taxes or accountant, when every penny I get is going into food & rent, or paying back the loan I had to take out for my laptop so I could continue working.
I live far below the UK poverty line, and frankly I'm not sure if I can go on.

And yet I - and many artists who use platforms such as Patreon - are attacked constantly and called 'greedy' for trying to scrape a living from skills we spend decades developing, and face having our work defamed & pirated by people who've never had to worry about money but think they have the right to talk about 'capitalism'.

So while I won't make excuses for my behaviour, as I've founded my entire platform on being a good & honest person, I hope this maybe provides a little insight into where I came from, and why I'm sometimes less than optimistic about the future.
The truth is - no one asked about my health. No one cared. I just needed an excuse to open this post.

Long story short: I'm always tired but need to keep working, I'm always in pain but can't afford medicine, I'm always hungry but can't afford food, I'm a little clingy sometimes because I've never really had friends, I've never felt loved, appreciated or wanted by anyone, I'm a self-loathing, irresponsible, talentless screwup, and I'm losing money by the day because of some ideologues in charge of a platform that's supposed to be about expression & community.

Feel free to now laugh at me for being such a weak, useless waste of space who can't even make it drawing amateur fetish porn.

====

As always, for however long I'm still alive and able to do this, thank you all so very much for your continued support~ 💚

Custom

+POLL+ My Fellow Foot Fetishists: Which of the following do you prefer: 

61%
360 deviants said Clean Feet
21%
122 deviants said Sweat & Smell Yes!
14%
83 deviants said Sweat Yes, Smell No
4%
22 deviants said Smell Yes, Sweat No

Which art niche do you watch me for the most? 

46%
276 deviants said Foot Fetish
42%
251 deviants said Tickling
13%
76 deviants said Bondage / DiD

Comments


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:iconnotrealjameskii:
NotRealJameskii Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2019
I love your amazing art.
Reply
:iconmiraitea:
MiraiTea Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2019  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you by MiraiTea
it means a lot to me ♥
Reply
:iconbostonianjedi811:
BostonianJedi811 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2019
I still extremely adore your artstyle and artwork. Keep up the good work miss. You got talent don't let anyone tell you different 😁❤
Reply
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