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scotchblueberry's avatar

Take a sad song and make it better...

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Okay!  It's been faaaaaaaaar too long since I did anything on DeviantArt.  Here's the deal, in the time since I was more active here...I was married, divorced and moved to a different country.  So, my ex...was emotionally and economically abusive to me.  And it gave me some nasty scars, some of which being more anxiety than I had before (just getting over severe social anxiety) and PTSD.

What I've learned; PTSD is a bitch. It steals things from you, it makes those things a source of trauma/terror. The worst thing PTSD took from me was music. If you know me or at least have known me before I moved to NZ...you knew I've been a Beatles fan since I was 7. The fab four were a constant for me, their music pulled me through some difficult times in childhood, their music got me through my self-harm. Their music pulled me out of a really dark time when I nearly ended it all.

However, after going through the emotional/economic abuse I did and because the person who put me through that also happened to be a big fan as well (sometimes, I feel like it was our only real common ground)...I stopped listening. the music scared me...silly as that sounds, it's true and I left them behind. If you're just hearing this recently...I've had a really hard time coming forward as he had turned my closest friends against me, tried turning my family against me and just generally broke a lot of my trust.

Back in August, I started listening to The Beatles again. Blackbird came on a random playlist at work and for some reason, it struck a chord with me and made me want to try listening again..and it was a fight against my own mind to get my music back. There were near panic attacks... I had a full on break down during Hey Jude.  But, after all that...I'm feeling more like myself again, I feel like I have my four best friends back (no really, it seems silly...but yeah, it's true), I have my music back and my sense of self. I feel like as insignificant as this may seem to some, it's a big step forward in healing.

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