That's mainly because I haven't written anything.
But I wrote some crap.
I honestly don't even know if I know how to write anymore
but I edited it a bit & decided it wasn't horrific
so I posted it.
Rip it apart if you wish.
Or, y'know, nicely critique.
I'll try not to cry too much.
I hope you all have been doing well
& are living wonderful lives
If anyone actually wants to know
what I've been doing
you can comment & I'll write another journal.
Without whining even!
I know the first two poems
are pretty damn whiny
but I am in a different place now.
- Listening to: Everything's Not Lost-- Coldplay.
Thank you guys so much for the support
& all the love & all your loveliness.
I'm very appreciative of every DD I've gotten
but this one is special to me because it's the first poem
I wrote about my new boy.
Who was very pleased with this news, by the way.
Christmas is coming & things are strange here.
Boy is in the hospital currently & things aren't looking great there
but I am trying to listen to my mother & "think positive"
even tho that's pretty much a 180 from my normal thought process.
I feel bad because I usually write so many more poems than this about my loves.
He hasn't gotten as many as he should.
As he deserves for how amazing he is.
I'm trying to write him something for Christmas
but it hasn't been going well.
I want to do it even more now tho.
I'll have to read read read & get myself back in that mindset.
& I'm rambling. I just love you all so much
& hello to my new watchers! I'm happy you're here
tho I cannot say I've been writing very much at all lately.
Like...nothing. For months. So I'm not sure when you'll get something new
but I'll try and make it worth your while
Thanks so much to Miss Lili, as well.
She has always been so supportive of me & my writing
& I can't ever thank her enough for all of that.
She is wonderful. Go see her & read her work because it's magnificent!
Maybe I'll make a journal of other writers on here who deserve watches/reads.
Yes. That will be my Christmas present to dA.
It is decided.
- Listening to: Lucky- Jason Mraz ft. Colbie Caillat
I haven't been around.
If you want to see me
or interact with me
ask me for my Skype in a note
or go to my tumblr because
that's where I'm spending most of my time now.
If you add me let me know who you are
so that I can follow you back.
I'll try and get to messages.
But I am an asshole.
We all know this.
- Listening to: Okay I Believe You but My Tommy Gun Don't.
& trying to decide how long is too long
for responding to a comment on something.
I apologize that I'm an asshole
& don't really answer things right away
or at all
but I do promise I read everything
& appreciate it. I'm just shit at life.
I see 32 weeks ago & just cringe at myself.
This will be the 2902302302 time
that I tell you all I'll be better about it
but honestly, I probably will not.
I apologize in advance. Again.
I'm being a dick & just coming on
to post new poems & then not being
a part of the community. I suck. Sorry.
Sorry sorry sorry.
I do love you all, tho.
I just am a failure at being a good person haha.
If you'd like, I'd like it if you'd comment on this
& tell me how things are going in your life right now
& what's going on for you.
I will actually respond to it, I promise.
I care about you all & want to know how you're doing.
I'll even stop being a narcissistic dick & not talk about myself
unless you ask!
this has pretty much been me, tho:
- Listening to: Gasoline- Halsey.
"But of course the real reason, Isabelle, is that I love her and that’s the beginning and end of everything. You’re still a Catholic but Zelda’s the only God I have left now."
I have been told I am loved.
That there was never a stopping.
I wasn't aware there was any to begin with
& now it is the beginning & end of everything.
I'm an idiot but I don't care.
...isn't that how all this always starts?
You're an idiot & it all flows out from there.
I had to share.
& have this:
"yo, that flower's kind of nice."
- Listening to: The First Time We Said Hello-- Rudy Francisco.
because perche no.
FACTS ABOUT ME VIA GIFS:
1. I have actually used this as a legitimate way to tell someone I loved them:
2. I think about this gif & doing it a lot:
(& also Kermit is the shit so there's that)
3. This is saved in my bookmarks under "I can't even." I have someone who I cannot even with & this is generally how I feel when it happens:
(also shout out to dA because I first found that here)
(also also, we're maybepossibly making shirts for us that will say "i can't even" and "i can")
4. This is my spirit animal:
or this one
(said me on every adventure that was even slightly dangerous/illegal. unless drunk)
5. I have a strange obsession with sloths that came on suddenly & without any warning whatsoever. I didn't used to think anything of them but now I'm really into them so have some sloth gifs:
6. Just this in general:
7. A question I ask myself nearly daily, tho I'm not as angry about it (bonus for Girl Interrupted)
8. I love this show & am incredibly attracted to both of them sorrynotsorry
9. Don't get me started, my list is about that long at any given time
10. Time to clean?
11. Not a gif but it counts because I said so. I have horrible grammar Nazi tendencies to the point that I have to correct people's grammar in my head while I'm reading things or I get incredibly pissed off. I care about this alot.
12. I think Elizabeth Taylor was the most beautiful woman to ever walk the planet
13. My mom used to call me Scarlet when I was younger & I still cannot decide if it was a compliment or insult tho I'm leaning towards insult after seeing the movie as a grown woman
14. I just read "I'll Give You The Sun" by Jandy Nelson in like a morning a week ago. Easily one of my favorite YA books & pretty high up there for all time. This was my reaction pree much the entire time:
15. I am now the owner of mermaid hair & it makes me mostly feel like this (only a whole lot less smiley and a whole lot cuss-ier):
when i think about you touching my back
it literally pulses & creaks
at the mere idea
of your hand being there
and i'm sorry i'm so needy but
i'm fighting my urges
to pull on your hair
so hard you feel exactly
what i do
is not always
and i really am sorry but
when you don't speak
i feel like my insides
are flinging themselves around
under my skin
& all i can think is
what are you thinking
what are you thinking
what are you thinking
until i explode
& say "sorry" without any explanation
because i need to get some fucking word
& that seems like the best example
of why i am so needy.
- Listening to: All of me wants all of you-- Sufjan Stevens
my tongue hurts because it's aching to be in your mouth.
- Listening to: The Hollow (The Bunk Mix)- A Perfect Circle
when you call me scre a thousand balloons fill up in my chest & then explode simultaneously.
proximity is 4/10ths of my law— I want you to break it
objectivity is 7/10ths of your law— I want you to break it
I know you don’t love me but after all those dreams where you said you did, I think you could. I feel the possibility like the electricity in my limbs.
I want to show you the paintings in my head not only because they’re beautiful but also because then you’d be inside & could experience everything.
I want to know you by long too-hot summer days where we still can’t help but touch & on winter nights when all you have is an open window & me to keep your bones the safest warm.
I saw you hairline accidentally— you didn’t know— & wanted to tiptoe along its edge until I fell into you.
I wish you could crawl inside my veins & feel how every large rush is caused by you.
your voice makes me ripple like a lake that’s been still too long.
your face is something foreign & all together familiar— I can’t put a single word to you, you exist in too many forms, but I’ve seen you before in the stars— the dippers folding together on your cheeks.
all my freckles have materialized since birth for the chance you would trace them into constellations.
I hear the most passionate love letters are never sent but I’ve been sending you so much without opening my mouth a crack.
I’ve been thinking love thoughts at you so hard my head hurts— I might have a brain tumor made of hearts.
I want to whisper all the love poems ever written by my eyelashes on your neck.
you are the only one I want to believe when you say you’re not leaving— I fold it up like paper & pack it in against the inside of my ribs— hold it there for hopeful osmosis.
you are the only person I don’t want to hurt by hurting myself. I have never had this feeling in my gut & suddenly the scars look more like strength than weakness because I survived it. for this.
I want to know your body like it’s my own skin— each imperfection melting into my fingertips & coming back out as something wholly loved.
I want you— the good the bad & the ugliest parts. I will always mean that.
- Listening to: Still- Daughter.
because they're beautiful/funny/truthful/amazing
i am in love with this man
& would like to marry him.
& then this because Button Poetry always has amazing things
- Listening to: Painted- MS MR
I don't have any words for anyone.
I've realized that I have nothing to offer
this place anymore, or, more broadly,
the entire world at large.
When I sobbed about this fact earlier
my mother suggested to "get back into poetry"
& I just cried harder because I can't.
I have no words left for anyone or anything
or even myself.
& that is a hard raw truth for someone who was a poet.
It's strange to see the people who have left me
go on to enjoy their lives fully & do great things--
& I'm glad they are experiencing things like this.
I really am.
But it's harder for me as I stagnate without an end in sight.
So, as it is, I cannot find any reasoning for my existence to be fruitful
for the earth or the people who inhabit it.
I don't especially want to die but I really don't
see what else there is to do with myself at this point.
My mother said "live, just live" like things are that simplistic.
I have never "lived" I just exist.
& that is draining people & money & emotion & public assistance.
At this point I'm more of a waste of space--
I'm sure there will be many more people born who
will live up to the standards of society & their own
much better than I can or have.
It all comes back to this--
I will never be "better."
Maybe better than now but never cured.
& I don't see any "better" coming any time soon.
I'm not really depressed at the moment
but there are still figures in the trees & the tiles & the ceiling
& shadows without boundaries
& I still melt down over nothings
& the times when I have nothing to hold me
to the earth & ground me to reality
are growing & growing.
While these things are not my fault,
they are also facts.
I don't even know why I'm writing this here.
It sounds like a plea for help or attention,
which it decidedly is not.
It's more of an...assembly of reasoning & thought processes
while trying to make a decision.
I have never been too good at decisions.
JRT is coming on the 21st.
While he still is very gung ho about marrying me
I do not want him to force himself to work himself into the ground
to support me because I am incapable of being a real human being
nor do I want to subject him to this shit
that I've put my mother through,
my old friends through,
my old loves through
for the past eleven years.
It's not fair & he doesn't deserve it.
My mother says it's not my choice
but everything is my choice, in the end.
they say you're getting better but you don't feel any better
that is what goes through my head every time
someone tells me I am "better."
They don't know everything. I refuse to let them know everything.
I told my therapist, upon her suggestion to write down all my "weird" and "bad" thoughts,
that I would be writing all day every day & never get anything done.
Not that I'm really getting things done now anyway.
But I have an obligation until June 30th.
JRT leaves July 5th.
My birthday is already scaring the shit out of me
all these months away.
I always said that I'd kill myself by 27
because I thought I was special & unique & worthy of that age.
Now I see that was just retarded.
I have done nothing to warrant that.
The Tiger made that realization possible by laughing at me
& then it made sense & was true.
JRT doesn't even want to tell me things I do that upset him
because I "have so many bad days already"
& he doesn't want to make it worse. jesus fucking christ.
You know as well as I do that if you're going to kill yourself, you'd better be beautiful or everyone will think you were just being a whiner.
I think the bulk of my issues come from this:
when I was fourteen I based my personality on books, largely.
I chose Thin Skin & The Bell Jar as my models for myself on the whole.
I didn't even want to read The Bell Jar--
I didn't even know it existed
but I had to do a report on American authors
& I found out that Emma Forrest was British
so it was suggested to me by my tutor.
& that was when things got really in motion.
Maybe my entire life would be different if I had never read it.
I certainly wouldn't have been a poet. That's true.
The remaining issue is that I don't think I ever really,
really let that person go.
I'm still not entirely a whole being of my own creation
& I really don't know how you even do that.
Maybe you read things that speak to you
or maybe you become the things you read
Maybe I'm just a collection of a bunch of nonsense
I've picked up over my twenty-five years because
I don't know how to make me a real human.
Song lyrics, books, movies, poetry--
a media medley that I bring my existence from
& it's not even all that great.
Add in the psychosis, the PTSD, the bipolar, the anxiety, the Borderline
& this is what you get.
I suppose I'm supposed to ask for help with these things--
more the "I have no purpose or place on earth" thing
but how do you even say that to someone?
They just think you're being a whiner.
I know that from experience.
So instead I just write it here
because I know barely anyone reads/comments
on this shit anyway. So it's safe.
- Listening to: Retrograde (Loston Rework)- James Blake
up to you to decide
if it's really shit or not.
it cracks me up
that i wrote that journal
& the next day
my words came back.
- Listening to: Where Did You Sleep Last Night-- Leadbelly
the firs time i heard "sometime around midnight"
it was on the radio & i literally stopped everything
just to listen. from the first notes it broke my heart.
it still breaks my heart & gives me this inconspicuous sadness
that creeps in every time i listen to it.
i just saw the video tonight for the first time.
i think any writer/romantic can relate to this so i'm sharing:
i'm also sharing this video by Florence + The Machine
because it is literally the best music video i've seen in years and years.
the tone & story & imagery are just too beautiful & too haunting.
it means many things to me and i'm sure it will mean many more to others
but everyone should see it too:
i need this album. like yesterday.
i hope y'all are doing well & have lots of lovely poetry that you've been reading.
i've been dry as a bucket in the mohave, so don't expect anything from me soon.
it's disappointing, a bit unnerving, & true.
love to you all
- Listening to: What Kind of Man- Florence + The Machine
a little while ago because I am a harassment specialist
just wrote this satirical piece on 50 Shades of Grey
in like...an hour. Because she is amazing
& I also harassed her into writing it.
You should all read it because it makes me laugh
like nothing else & also she is an amazing person.
So there's that.
READ IT NOW:
50 Shades of Amish'Twas nearly noon thirty when Delilah hadth contacted ye olde pizza shop by carrier pigeon. Delilah hadth been benchpressing her butter all morning to make creamy and smooth churned butter for sale-th. Finally, she hath realized she hath the arms to lift a horse. If only Delilah hath this wondrous god given ability when her father, Jacob Hershrbinger, was brought down by their horse Tim.
Twas noon fifty when there was but a rap at the door. Draped in her usual nighting robe outfit, a neck to toe blue patterned dress her mother hath sewn for her which took severalth seconds for which she slavedth.
The door wafted open with her arm, but due to her churning mastery the door flew off its hinges and killed their horse Tim. Delilah was strangely satisfied with the kill. Immediately, she blushed which caused her entire cheek bones to turn red. The pizza boy who was a very devout man who had remained true to his beliefs, but this was befo
She feels like it's shit.
Which we all know it isn't.
- Listening to: Save Tonight (EigenARTig Remix)- Eagle Eye Cherry
This a good thing
considering I was almost
forced into the hospital.
I haven't written shit
since the last time I submitted.
That's a bit annoying--
well, more than annoying.
This is what I've been doing with my time:
& I emerged better. Not healed, but better.
- Listening to: Arsonist's Lullabye-- Hozier
disturbing strange things
but i've managed to
somehow gut myself out
into three poems
in the last month or so.
they're all related
which i hadn't realized,
until i put them
on the computer.
i'm not realizing much
poems to be posted
in chronological order
to show some sort
here they are,
- Listening to: Family- Noah Gundersen.
of writing about, evidently.
That dude did not work out in the least--
turns out that if you try to date people
from a place where crazy people go
they might, just might, actually be crazy.
the shock. the horror.
The fun part about breaking up with him
was DEFINITELY when after I told him
no, it's not going to work out
he tells me (verbatim) that I'm going to need
"years and years of therapy and working on myself
until I'm able to have a functioning relationship."
This is coming from a man who lied about his age
"so I would date him," lives at home at 38,
doesn't have a job, has such a strict regiment
of what he will & will not eat that he wouldn't
take me out to dinner or even lunch,
goes to bed at 4PM every day, has no social life
other than going to the center, not to mention
the jealousy over nothing, the possessive behavior
at only a week of dating AND trapping me inside
his truck TWICE when I told him I wanted to go home
by gripping my wrists so I couldn't leave.
But yeah, totally together this guy.
Enough of that rant, tho.
I wrote two poems.
I still haven't decided if either are decent
& honestly haven't looked at them since
I wrote them a couple weeks ago.
I also took a failed poem & moved it up
into a tiny tiny short story.
So tiny it's probably just prosetry.
They might be submitted if I ever
get off my ass & edit. Or something.
I still come around here sometimes
& check random things
but I do love you all still.
Wonderful people, you.
- Listening to: Banditos- The Refreshments.
the other morning.
i am pree much over
this entire year.
first my grandma,
then myself (whoops)
i would like my dog back now.
- Listening to: Youth- Daughter.
like walking through the sahara
without water or even a mirage
i sat down today & just wrote
i find it humorous but i'll admit
it's kind of dark humor.
my mom did not find it funny
but i can't really blame her for that.
it is titled:
what to tell people when they ask about your suicide bandages.
because i'll tell you--
that is really fucking awkward.
i'll still be posting it
if only to amuse myself
& because i haven't posted
an actual poem in ages.
there was another poem
i wrote this morning
but it is complete shit,
in other news:
A. has informed me
that i called him too much
therefore i am being silent
& letting him call when he wants.
my life is teeming with awkward.
in more other news:
Rockstar by Nickelback
is my new guilty pleasure.
i cannot stand this band
but this song makes me feel
like a badass for some reason.
i'm taking what i can get
at this point.
i still you all.
- Listening to: Rockstar- Nickelback.
from my mensa genius man
from the hospital.
no one else has bothered
& he & i will be best friends
& i will keep him from
shooting himself in the brain again
& maybe he will keep me
from cutting up my general
this is a good step in the right direction.
we are so awkward that our weirdness
corresponds & somehow makes it okay.
& does fucking CALCULUS
i'm sorry, what.
dude is crazy
but in an awesome way.
i'm so excite.
(i fucking hate that phrase
but it seemed apropos)
i wrote some streams
about my hospital stay
but i don't know if they'll be posted.
they're just rough idiotic ideas
but it's all i've written for months.
that is all.
- Listening to: Silhouettes- Of Monsters and Men