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scheherazades

absent from the body
426 Watchers
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178 Deviations
Artist // Hobbyist // Literature
My Bio

failed girl machine turned poet

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Deviations178
Watchers426
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Comments Made3.6K
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Comments

you're so welcome -- anything that helps! 
ahhhh that's such a huge compliment thank you so muchh!
i'm glad i could be of help :huggle:
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

pea, your work is always stunning, and this one stands out. your vocabulary choices are fantastic, and there are some truly fantastic lines here -- "she dreamed of candles melting upside down" -- "tricked by her own esperance at her own expense" -- "shrapnel crumbs" -- "you only forget yourself by mine" -- and so many more.
your manipulation of words shows your utter control over language. you are a fantastic artist and i am so grateful to be given the opportunity to read your work.

the last two sections just blew me away. i especially love that you ended on such an abrupt note -- it fits perfectly with the tone of that last line. i don't even know what to say -- i'm in love with your writing.

so, i can't be all praise. there are a couple of moments i want to mention for improvement.

first, "ruddy fingers who so badly want". since the fingers are objects and not people, the "who" should be "that".

second, this line "she with the eyes just accepting the light". i love what it means and where it goes from there, and the line leading up to it -- but itself, i think the word "just" made the flow a little awkward. if you cut it, it might work better? i don't know.

soooo, my point is this: this is a freaking beautiful piece of poetry and i aspire to be as talented a writer as you are.
also: "proto girl with redwood hair" is going to stay with me all day.
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

Oh, I like this. The contrast between Violet and Darren is palpable - she is so very alive and determined to stay human, and his character is almost dull, an internal reflection of his choices and the prosthetic etc.
Darren appearing with the can-opener was lovely and a little eerie (immediate "we-are-watching-you" concept appearing) and his actions as a character, hint-dropping to show that he isn't trustworthy, were spot on - thin smile, "as if they were sitting on a picnic blanket in a meadow and not on a grimy sleeping bag in an ashy landscape", etc).
I have to admit, I'm intrigued. Darren is clearly with "them" from the beginning - the uniform, the fact that he has access to information Violet doesn't. So where does she fit into this? I like that there are still unanswered questions.
I also loved that "they" became "we" at the end. That was a nice touch.
However, their conversation about perfection (what I felt was the focus of the story itself) seemed a little forced. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but it seemed like it went bam! into the moral debate side of things, and felt less like a brother/sister conversation in that situation might. Apologies for my inarticulacy. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/let…" width="15" height="15" alt=":P" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="395" title=":P (Lick)"/>
I would certainly be interested to see where this went if you were to extend it. It feels almost like an excerpt from a post-apocalyptic novel of some kind. Nice work!