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Taking Comedy Seriously
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The Woman With Three Heads
Mara was used to weird things happening to her. And now here on vacation in Britain where they thought ‘Penguin’ was an appropriate brand name for a chocolate cookie, honestly she had been prepared for anything. It was still a bit of a surprise though. Wandering around London’s Natural History Museum… Stopping to casually examine a tableau of stuffed foxes and cubs… Spotting two marble heads tucked behind the vixen—one in a woollen hat and the other in sunglasses, and the two of them arguing together in hushed tones... “Everything… okay there, guys?” she asked. The two heads froze. Then
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Hidden Away
Ewart strode through the lush countryside. It truly was wonderful to be getting away from everything, and to be staying in a delightful little remote cabin where nobody could bother him. His work didn’t know where it was. His parents didn’t know where it was. His friends didn’t know where it was. It was honestly just a pity… He didn’t know where it was. Ewart checked his phone yet again, sighed, and once more tried to retrace his steps. At this moment in time he could really do with his super secret hideaway being just that tiny bit less secret.
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Branches Everywhere
Belinda took a deep breath and stepped into the woods. As usual the trees grabbed at her arms and whispered to her. She shook them off and increased her speed. She passed the strange old cottage made of gingerbread and her stomach rumbled. (She really should get up earlier and eat a bigger breakfast.) Then she passed the little cottage belonging to the seven small men, and as usual one of them leant out the window and offered her the job of becoming their housekeeper. “Just till your prince comes and you get married, of course!” Belinda smiled politely. Absolute gentlemen all of them, but so old fashioned. Hurrying on, she ca
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Unfortunate
Jennifer entered the Bank of Good Fortunes and apprehensively approached the nearest teller. “Um, hello. Jennifer Endsley. I was asked to come in to talk about my loan repayments?” “Ah, indeed, Ms Endsley. Let me just bring up your details...” The teller reached under the counter and brought up her crystal ball. She set the ball on the counter, passed her hands over it twice and then stared into it. “Now, you had a perfect credit score when we approved your loan to study for your part-time MSc in business. And you have kept up steadily with your repayments since.” Jennifer smiled modestly. “I tak
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Something Tasteful
It wasn’t easy being the bard for a queen with musical-gustatory synaesthesia. Standing in the muddy remains of the tournament field, Alice retuned her lute and launched into her third song of the evening. She didn’t get very far. “No, no! Stop!” Queen Hilda looked pained. “That one tastes of old socks. Another!” Alice tried again. “And that one tastes of roses!” “Isn’t… that a good thing, my lady?” asked Consort Timothy cautiously, “Not when the roses have gone all brown and slimy!” From the queen’s other side, Consort Bertha reached out a hand
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Adventurous Stuff
Bartel’s publisher smiled cautiously. “We’ve looked through your manuscript for the novel now and well… It wasn’t quite what we were expecting.” “No?” Bartel frowned. “But you said you wanted an adventure story.” “Yes, indeed,” said the publisher. “And you said I could let my imagination go wild! Write about trials way beyond my ken!” “Agreed,” said the publisher. “It’s just…” She flicked through the pages. “Your hero having his windows replaced… Being made redundant and having to look for another job…
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Going Down Fighting
It was looking unlikely that Denise would ever get to use her skills professionally again, but apparently it still paid to be a structural engineer during a zombie apocalypse. She’d managed to design and build quite a substantial little tower in her mother’s back garden. Tall enough and unclimbable enough to keep the two of them safe, and with a ladder that could be let down if she ever needed to look for more supplies. It wasn’t much but at least they were alive. “Jonathan’s here again.” Denise’s mother was looking out of the window of their little cabin at the top of the tower. Denise went to jo
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A Dryad At School
When I was in the infants at primary school, there was a dryad in my class for a term or so. At that age you understand someone like that is amazing and unusual but you also simply accept that such marvellous things can happen. Now my adult brain insists that I dreamt or imagined her, and on the rare occasions I’ve bumped into old classmates none of them remember her, but the memories remain so clear. She was a sweet but awkward kid who nevertheless made the effort to join in with all our games. And she never lost a game of hide and seek. I seemed to be the only one who noticed her vanishing into the buddleia bush each time, away in a
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Spinning A Yarn
Once there was a magpie who collected for his nest every shining thing he could find. One day he discovered the most sparkling thing of all—the coruscating wit of the spiders in the webs. The arachnids indulged in constant merry banter and badinage, happy for the entertainment to go no further than their little community. The magpie took note of these quips and returned to his nest, where he sang out the spiders’ witticisms to a wider audience. Many animals, birds and insects enjoyed these broadcasts and gave him food and prestige in exchange. One day though, the spiders came to visit the magpie and demanded that he stop steali
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The Mother of All Invention
Necessity was waving her youngest off to the patent office, a big smile on her face. “Make me proud!” “So what’s next? Have you got another invention planned?” Necessity turned to see her neighbour Making Ends Meet. She shook her head firmly at him. “Nope! I’ve finally got them all out of the house and I’m going to focus on me for a while. I mean, they’re all my babies and I love all ninety-seven billion of them but it’s time for a change. I’m going to do a degree at last. In engineering! I’m going to relax and design things that might make things easier for people, r
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See all
T
The Woman With Three Heads
Mara was used to weird things happening to her. And now here on vacation in Britain where they thought ‘Penguin’ was an appropriate brand name for a chocolate cookie, honestly she had been prepared for anything. It was still a bit of a surprise though. Wandering around London’s Natural History Museum… Stopping to casually examine a tableau of stuffed foxes and cubs… Spotting two marble heads tucked behind the vixen—one in a woollen hat and the other in sunglasses, and the two of them arguing together in hushed tones... “Everything… okay there, guys?” she asked. The two heads froze. Then
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B
Branches Everywhere
Belinda took a deep breath and stepped into the woods. As usual the trees grabbed at her arms and whispered to her. She shook them off and increased her speed. She passed the strange old cottage made of gingerbread and her stomach rumbled. (She really should get up earlier and eat a bigger breakfast.) Then she passed the little cottage belonging to the seven small men, and as usual one of them leant out the window and offered her the job of becoming their housekeeper. “Just till your prince comes and you get married, of course!” Belinda smiled politely. Absolute gentlemen all of them, but so old fashioned. Hurrying on, she ca
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Going Down Fighting
It was looking unlikely that Denise would ever get to use her skills professionally again, but apparently it still paid to be a structural engineer during a zombie apocalypse. She’d managed to design and build quite a substantial little tower in her mother’s back garden. Tall enough and unclimbable enough to keep the two of them safe, and with a ladder that could be let down if she ever needed to look for more supplies. It wasn’t much but at least they were alive. “Jonathan’s here again.” Denise’s mother was looking out of the window of their little cabin at the top of the tower. Denise went to jo
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A
A Dryad At School
When I was in the infants at primary school, there was a dryad in my class for a term or so. At that age you understand someone like that is amazing and unusual but you also simply accept that such marvellous things can happen. Now my adult brain insists that I dreamt or imagined her, and on the rare occasions I’ve bumped into old classmates none of them remember her, but the memories remain so clear. She was a sweet but awkward kid who nevertheless made the effort to join in with all our games. And she never lost a game of hide and seek. I seemed to be the only one who noticed her vanishing into the buddleia bush each time, away in a
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Bedmates
Sandra would never know if it was because she’d bought a new bed or because it was she’d moved to a new flat. But from the first day at her new address there had been very strange goings-on. She’d lie there awake night after night and hear weird moans and scratching coming from underneath her. At first she tried to put it down to imagination or the natural sounds a building makes as it settles. But as the days went past it was harder to hold onto those explanations. Finally she couldn’t bear it any longer. She looked under the bed. Somewhere in the darkness there was an even darker form. Twisted and misshapen. It s
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Ever So Humble
Princess Jane had been a captive in the witch’s tower for over twenty years and it had been quite some time now since she’d had even a sniff of a rescue attempt. Oh, there had been quite a flurry of interest in the early years when she was still young and hopeful. A prince or a knight would pass by, she’d call out through the narrow upper window, and their interest would be piqued by her melodious voice. But then their interest always led to them wanting a description of the royal form that went with it. And, well, once she’d modestly explained she was just an average looking young woman—nothing special, you kno
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Being Objective
“How’s work?” smiled me. “Pretty good. Pretty good,” said them. “Really, really busy, of course.” “Yeah?” said me. “Well, they and I have been getting so popular now. There’s our plural work, and all our singular work too.” them sighed. “All fascinating and rewarding stuff, but gosh, I wouldn’t mind a little break. I’m worn to a frazzle!” “Why don’t you have a break then?” said me. “I’m happy to take over for a day or two!” them frowned. “I’m… not certain that’s going to work.”
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Tricky
The Modern English GH swirled its cloak. “Haha! I’m a master of disguise! Look, I’m pronounced /ɡ/ !” It swirled the cloak again. “And now I’m pronounced /f/ !” It swirled the cloak once more. “And now I’m completely silent! Haha! HAHAHAHAHA!” The Middle Dutch GH looked on with mild concern. “Do you think we should… say something?” “Mmm?” said the Standard Italian GH. “Well, I mean,” said the Middle Dutch GH. “This ‘master of disguise’ stuff. It’s not actually changing at all, is it? It always looks exactly
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Inherit the Earth
In the darkness floated two souls side by side, one rather tarnished and the other bright and shining. A Voice spoke. “Now it is time for you both to be reborn. To go to your new bodies and new lives and continue your quest for enlightenment.” The Voice addressed the tarnished soul. “You did very badly in your last life and so you will be descending several rungs of the ladder.” It addressed the shining soul. “And you did extremely well. You will be ascending many, many steps up the ladder. And so…” The Voice grew. “O tarnished soul, you will receive the life of a wealthy businessman. And
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Delicia of Bodmin
Delicia the Beast hadn’t meant to be so vague and obscure about her origins. But it had just been so freeing to leave the past behind and make an entirely new start. Now, Bodmin was completely her home—so much so that she taught courses in beginners’ Cornish, and supplemented her income by guiding groups of hikers around the moor. The latter was always a good source of cash, as plenty of beasts liked to visit and enjoy the wild countryside. All in all it was a perfect and rather quiet life until— “Oh my God! Someone’s seen a human on Bodmin Moor!” She’d scoffed, of course. You’d have to
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Isn't it Bionic?
There was a gentle click as the safe-cracker found the last digit of the combination. It was followed by a loud crash as the massive steel door swung violently outwards, catching him in the ribs.     “Oof!” said the safe-cracker, lying winded on the floor. He would have said something significantly less family-friendly, but his bones hurt too much to really manage anything but “Oof.”    “Eeeyeah!” shouted a man in an ostentatious red robot suit as he emerged from the suddenly-open safe. “You were trying to crack this safe, but instead the safe cracked you!”    “W-what?” the saf
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Dragon Child
Dragon child, they called her, because she was slow and still and silent, because she stuttered when she spoke, because her hands fluttered like drowning birds when she could find no words for her thoughts. It was not an insult but a threat, a promise. Every seven years the dragon demanded a sacrifice, and Lily would be next to die. She was Rowan’s sister. The dragon made its home in the labyrinth beside the city. It had been a holy place once; its centre was a temple, once a shrine to old forgotten gods, now a cairn for those who had been sacrificed before. The dragon did not bother the people, much. Once in seven years it took what
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Yodel-Ay-Hee-Hoo
A truly horrendous noise erupts from Gods know where at 3:26AM on Tuesday, like the gates of hell needing a tune up. Phil jolts awake and attempts to leap from his bed, getting tangled in his sheets and nearly acquainting his face with the floor. “Gods damn it,” he curses, hopping free from his bedding and running to the window. Yanking the curtains aside he glowers at the street, eyes sweeping for the source of the noise that has yet to stop. “I swear, if it’s that girl and her hellhound again I am moving.” Phil scans the street for a few minutes, unable to find anyone or anything lurking by light of the street
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Girth Loinhammer Book Coming 2018!
I promised in my last journal that there was some exciting news to come, and here it is: I've signed a contract for a Girth Loinhammer book. It's Girth Loinhammer's Exponential Adventure, in fact, if you've ever come across it before. I expect the character himself might be familiar if nothing else, as he seems to have attracted more attention (and fanart) than virtually any other product of my caffeine-soaked brain. If you’re subscribed to my newsletter or a regular at the open mics I read at then you’ll have known about this for quite a while, but Aperture Editions are now on board to publish Girth Loinhammer’s Most Expon
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FFM July 3, 2017 - Arithmomania
The UPS truck made a beep-beep-beep sound as it backed up Maude's driveway. She'd gone out to meet him and advised him that it was easier to back in than out, as her house lay at the bottom of a rather steep hill. Now she stood in sight of the driver's side-view mirror, giving expert directions with her arms. He had many obstacles to circumnavigate, from her carefully laid flower benches to the tasteful little statues, a bird-bath, and a row of little faux-torches - and she would not have a single one of them so much as touched. Neither would she allow the delivery man to park anywhere further away. "We do not have all day." She'd said to mor
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Samantha
“Hurry up, darling. Our guests will be here soon. It won’t do for them to see me like this.” “Patience, dear. It wouldn’t do for them to see how you were earlier, either.” Drew twisted the wrench to loosen another bolt. "Ah. Here’s the problem. There’s an overloaded circuit in your right shoulder.” She turned to look up at him, the lenses in her eyes making the fine adjustments necessary to focus on him. Only a robotics expert would recognize it for what it was. “Can you fix it?” He shook his head. “Not right away. I’ll have to send for the part.” Samantha
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Joe is doing a bad job of FFM
Lightning flashed. Thunder rumbled. It was an entirely generic horror scenario. Cynthia's black friends were already dead – it was only a matter of time until the monster came for her. Through the slats of the closet door, everything looked like the thing Tyrone had described with his final breath; a fleshless arm turned out to be her anglepoise lamp, and an ivory skull turned out to be a china vase. Trying to calm her breath only seemed to make it louder. As soon as she let her guard down, that's when it would strike, she knew it. The phone rang. Stifling a sob, Cynthia ran for it. Her only hope of surviving the night was answering
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FFM 2017:Blood and Betrayal in Revolutionary Paris
I stepped off the Stage Coach around midday and debarked onto the manure strewn streets of Paris. The air was hot and foetid, and I had to resist the urge to retrieve a scented handkerchief from my coat pocket. I was supposed to be travelling incognito, having been contracted by a small overseas newspaper to write a story to allay growing fears about the current situation in France. To this effect I had sent a letter several days before to my underground contact, Jean-Claude, arranging for us to meet at a certain well known Public House. From there he would take me about the city, so that I might see for myself the realities of life for the c
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Late Stage
She screams as her face changes. I don’t understand why – I’m fixing it for her. I remember her face as clear as day, after all; the velvet-soft wrinkled skin, the silver bangs framing her face, the eyes like windows to the sky itself, crystal clear and uplifting as daylight. I know what I’m doing. But something isn’t right. Who is this woman? My wife hates white blouses, and her voice is all wrong. I lift my hands away, and the person beneath my fingertips staggers back and collapses, amidst a chorus of screams and the sound of someone throwing up. Doctors are everywhere. Good, I think, They can help that poor
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The Dragon's Curse
I had nothing to blame for my inattentiveness except myself. I barely glanced at the mound beside the stream, assuming that it was debris brought down by the previous night’s storm. By the time I realized the truth, the dragon had caught me in her vivid gaze, and with it, her dying geas. It filled my mind with overwhelming meaning, power locking around me. Then the great head fell and rolled to the side, eyes sliding shut with a final sigh. One long forelimb shifted, revealing an egg as large as a man’s head, brilliantly blue, and still warm. I lifted it and carried it home, the dragon’s final spell wrapped around me like
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Spotlight

P
Pronounced Success
It was a lovely day in the dictionary, and PRUNE had decided to go for a wander. It didn’t normally go so far, but it was in the mood to explore and somehow ended up in the B’s. The noun BANG was outside too, sprucing up its definition with some new paint. “Hello!” called PRUNE. BANG waved back. “Hello! Gorgeous day!” PRUNE stopped and nodded approvingly at the noun’s work. “That’s a great definition you’ve got there.” BANG smiled. “Thank you. I like to take good care of it.” “I can see that.” PRUNE stepped closer to admire the definition more, and
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Aug 6
United Kingdom
Deviant for 9 years

Comments2.3K

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Domaex's avatar
DomaexHobbyist General Artist
Hey! Thank you for the recent support!
SCFrankles's avatar
SCFranklesHobbyist Writer
You're most welcome ^___^ 
b4k4-san's avatar
b4k4-sanHobbyist Writer
Thanks for the faves and the kind words. I didn't get to finish out FFM this year, but participating definitely re-cemented my desire to get back to writing more (and posting the stuff I do write), thanks in part to the encouragement of my fellow writers.
SCFrankles's avatar
SCFranklesHobbyist Writer
You're very welcome ^__^

And FFM and its community really are always such a boost to enthusiasm and creativity ^__^ 
jdoem's avatar
jdoem Traditional Artist
Happy birthday to one of my favorite writers! I hope it's a great day!
SCFrankles's avatar
SCFranklesHobbyist Writer
Thank you very much ^___^
Irennia's avatar
Thank you for watching!! :eager: by darkmoon3636 :eager: by darkmoon3636 :eager: by darkmoon3636 And happy birthday!!! :)