TO ALL MY WATCHERS YOU NEED TO READ THIS, THIS IS AN OFFICAL UPDATE
I didn't think I was going to be writing another journal piece on this DeviantArt again...but here I am. The reason for this is because I have been on a kind of hiatus FAR longer than I ever intended and I think I need to give you guys some filler into what has been going on and why I have been so silent. It's best you guys know because I felt like I have left you guys in the dark for far too long.
Please keep in mind this is spilling out a lot of truth and feelings I have been battling for a long time, so please read this seriously.
December 27th 2015...that was when I posted my journal telling you by 2016 I would have a new face, new look, and whole new page. I sent updates on occasion until I just said 'eventually' then stayed basically silent and inactive except for a few faves and comments on the brief rarity I was on here (more than checking messages at least).
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY I NEVER INTENDED ON LEAVING YOU ALL HANGING. However...around that time is not only when my University classes had gotten crazy but when my life was literally plunged into basically depression and basically from the ground up having to try and reestablish who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. What I have next to say is not only what I have found but what it entails to all of you as my followers.
No, I'm not about to force you to read through all my struggles and issues and basically make this into a vent like journal like may have done before (even me, I'm not gonna deny I haven't done so before). What I do want to tell you though is my big take away from it all.
As an artist, designer, and basically a creator and person into the arts in general, I want to go out there and express myself in ALL that I do.
Going onto DA and being on here for the time that I have, I realized how much I was constraining myself to do what I thought you all would want, and not just what I was making to show you guys.
When I was younger, (at the age when I started this account especially) I was a victim of bullying and harassment for anything I had done. Even if someone liked what I was into, I was still criticized harshly for having this, or basically any, opinion. However, as I grew and matured, being on here and going to college and meeting all the people I had along the way, I realized that I could be myself and not be harrassed for viewing the world as I did. I won't call out my bullies, mainly because most of them aren't on here and even if some were, I know if I do others may go and harass them and that I don't want to happen either.
Don't take this the wrong way either. I didn't just do all that I did on here because I felt pressured or forced. However, there were directions I did want to take and never did because I was so afraid that if I did I would loose my support or worse. But in doing so, I was restricting myself as well with what I did so, in the end, I wasn't helping myself in the end.
That is something I want to change.
However...only so much can be done at the moment. Why? I'm still going to college. I'm still in college right now actually. This semester I'm taking 3 studio classes, a language course and a philosophy course. Prior semester I was taking other classes, including Design Theory and Practice, a class that's so incredibly important because it's the lead into Senior Seminar, where in our final Senior project as graphic designers, it means making a whole series to present in our own show.
If any of you don't know what that means, it means, in short, I have been doing basically nothing but stressing my entire being out, pushing myself as far as I can, and I have had no real time to do anything else but class work.
Now, to some, this sounds really bad or terrifying, but really I have been having a blast doing all the work I have been and learning everything I am from all of my classes. Despite how it been an emotional train ride with so many ups and downs, breakdowns, and panic attacks, in the end, its all been paying off. I've been making grades that not only I am proud of, but even grades that I can accept (hey, I don't only get As, no one does) and artwork that not only I am proud of, but others are proud of me. Something that gives me a kind of pride I am not used to, but I welcome full heartedly.
So yes, I haven't been active on here and believe you me I want to show you all I have been up to. All of my new projects, my own original series I have been working so hard on that I want to share with you all. However...I want to do so in a way that is proper.
As I write this, I actually have 3 papers, 6 pages of German work, 4 art projects, an internship I need to find, PLUS find a new place to live (since I have been at an apartment and not a dorm for a while) on my plate that needs to be done. Kind get why I haven't been active?
Yes, I have made amazing realizations about myself, but I am also in what is probably the hardest time in life. Including the most stressful. I am SO close to graduation. After this, all I have is an internship and one final semester and that's it! I'll be out and hopefully start my own life officially as an adult!
But right now, this is the climb so I can get there. Nothing is ever handed to you without giving it your all first. Anyone who lives a life where everything is handed to you, appreciate the pain that must have been through the people before you to give you that chance. Everyone has a climb to make in their lives, and this is mine. I want to be on here and show it all to you, but I'm so afraid that if I spend too much time on here trying to show you all I have been doing, I'm going to slip and fall and all I have been through will be for not. ANYONE going through college probably understands what I mean, and to those you don't, try to.
When I'm out of college I fully intend to not only come back with the new me and all I have accomplished, but I intend to really make a name for myself. Making and sharing art on more than just here but on other sites, if I can manage. Make my own website and hopefully sell art and finally, and I mean FINALLY be able to set up commissions proper so I can make art to all who want to support me.
My end goal is to be bale to not only have a job, live with the love of my life and all those cliches, but to be able to become an artist out in the world. Being able to express myself without having the same fears to be so open like I had in the past.
But before that can happen...I need to make my climb
To those I know I owe art to, contact me. Words cannot express how much pain I have been through knowing I owe art and haven't been able to finish it as I have promised. I don't want to put anyone else through a long wait in anticipation or hurt them for not being to fulfill a promise I made. If there is something I owe you, tell me so I know so I may be able to finish it for you.
I won't know if I will have time to post, but if anything it will be sent to you.
This only goes to people I already owe art to. As you read, I HAVE NO TIME TO TAKE ON ANYMORE until after college OR until such a time I make my come back.
I hope you all understand and I hope you all look forward what's in the future. It's all huge and I cannot wait to share it with you. My projects and series, all I imagine you will LOVE but I will say no more on it until I return.
To those who have followed me for years, thank you for all the support and confidence you have given me. To my new followers, welcome and thank you so much for supporting me, even while I am inactive. To my friends both I speak to on her regularly and to those whose friendship goes beyond this website, thanks for being there through hall my highs and lows.
Hopefully, for real this time, sometime in 2018 I'll be back and better than ever. I'll see you all then.
~COMING SOON TO 2018~