Trying to get my s%*# together
Hey friends. I'm going to be very blunt. I've been extremely depressed for a long, long time now. Sometimes it gets to the point where I stay in my room all night unable to sleep, crying, and the crying makes me feel even more pathetic. I think I could be happy and strong and all the things that inspire me in the deep characters of incredible stories that I love, be it from movies or shows or comics or novels or games. I could be, but I'm not, and at times it feels futile.
I went to the dentist to get a wisdom tooth extracted the other day. It went well, but it traumatized me. Physically it hurt a bit at the time, but nothing warranting such terror. That sickening sound like a UFO whirring through my mouth or that awful burning smell, and the cracking sound as he cranked at it with pliers. I felt weak, pathetic, and sad, and I still do. I realize that I don't have to, but I'm not sure how to change it.
I've been through a lot of crazy shit in my life, but I only feel fine with sharing the innoccuous stuff like this overtly. I've opened up about the terrible things that have happened, but I'm not exactly comfortable with it and I try not to trauma-dump. However, I do think I've been improving. I'm the type of person who'd love to be logical and correct instantly, and I'm learning the hard way that slow and steady seems to win all races. I want to get healthy. I want to fix my teeth. I want to lose weight. I want to kick this antisocial personality bullshit in its ass. I want to feel alive again. I want to be the fun guy I was in high school, caring about people, being kind to people. Bold and passionate about his beliefs, even the ones I don't agree with anymore. I think I was much healthier then. I was more able to grow as a person. Now I feel a bit dim. I have stupid horrible opinions at times, and I find myself surrounded by people with interests that are nothing like mine. People whose ideas of the world are nothing like mine. People I can't be myself around due to their religious beliefs. And these people are the most valuable people in my life - they give me a place to live, food to eat, and even decent compassion when I'm at my lowest points. But it still hurts being close to people who argue against who I am and what I believe all the time.
I've removed them off of my social media for what should be obvious reasons. I'd like to get into writing professionally and doing comics and doing more art. I feel inadequate with my art. Though not a lot of my writing has seen the light of day as of yet, I feel much more competent at writing. It doesn't exhaust me in the same way, and words flow much more easily than strokes and lines. I need to get projects done. I need to write stories. I need to work on my comics. I have to make this work somehow. I think I can tell some powerful stories and this could shift all the components of my life around. I'm so lonely, and frustrated, and anxious, and cowardly. I need to show some initiative and actually push myself to bringing one of these stories to life as soon as possible.
I want to say I'm sorry for being such a downer, but even more so I want to be able to say that I'm happy. One day I'll say that I'm happy and that I've done some great stuff and I'll mean it.
Hmmmmmmmm
Sick of people.
The bottom line is that I'm completely sick of people right now. I have this odd habit of trying to reach out to people and try to help them with their problems only to usually end up insulted and berated, and I'm sick of it. I am completely done helping people. I don't care what you've been through, I don't care what you think of me, and I don't care what stupid things you're going to do to yourself or the people around you regardless of whether or not I intervene. I have my own shit to take care of, I have my own problems, and nobody's ever going to do half as much to help me as I've done for anyone else. If you feel like shit and you feel regret and you feel like no one likes or respects you, there's probably a damn good reason for all those things, and if you're going to attack someone for reaching out to help then I could only imagine how poorly you treat everyone around you.
I've been fooled too many times by people trying to be my friends, pretending they're some great saint when they're just selfish scumbags who hold berate people in worse situations than themselves to feel better about themselves and their social and mental inadequacies. I'm not taking it anymore. I don't care what history we have, I don't care how long anyone's pretended to be nice to me, I am all out of patience and I'm completely done with walking on eggshells and being kicked when I'm down and being insulted and berated by sick people who weaseled their ways into my life, and I will cut all communications with people at the first signs of indecency. That's not just a guarantee; it's a promise.
The rest of you guys are cool though. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of cool people out there, but most people I've come across over the past forever have been terrible people and life's too short to waste on assholes.
stupid and useless
In the early afternoon of April 3, 2014, I lost my mother and my younger brother.