Finally...to rest.

Well, we finally had our memorial service for my 할머니 "hal-mo-ni" (Korean for Grandmother). We took her ashes up to the Great Stupa of Dharmakaya in the Shambhala Mountain Center of Red Feather Lake, Colorado area. We took her ashes into the base temple first, set up her photo, urn, and lit candles and incense, saying our wishes and prayers to her. I think my mom was finally able to make peace with her own feelings and was able to let go of all the past anger, rage, and hate she felt. Mom said she also felt ashamed, after so many years of hating her own mother, she cried and asked for forgiveness in her prayers. 
I think...before I go any further regarding the last day we spent with her remains, I should tell the story of how she lived.

My grandmother lived a very harsh and spiteful life. She was very judgmental, very racist and hated Christianity, and she seemed very cruel and selfish in many ways...but looking back, and remembering what I learned about her own upbringing back in Korea, I can see how she became the woman that she was. Back in the 1930's, North and South Korea were still one country, and their culture, like most Asian cultures of that time, treated girls and women as being more or less worthless. Born only to be pawned off as a marriage token to try and gain either some favor or wealth within a family with a son. 
She was born; Han Sun Yo, was first born in her family, and her parents were disappointed. Treated more like a pariah and a burden, and forced to endure abuse and cruelty from both of her parents, just because she was born a girl. Then, a few years later, her parents birthed her brother, Han Ill Woong, and they rejoiced. He was elevated over her, treated as a prince and given everything and anything, while Sun Yo Han was ignored and neglected. She hated her brother, because he would also be abusive to her, and her parents would reprimand her if she fought back or made him cry. She learned early on that she couldn't count on anyone else, except herself, and she would need to survive on her own wit and determination. She learned to speak Chinese and Japanese to survive and avoid trouble with either side of the communist or democratic people in her society.

Survive she did, until conflict started...No, not the Korean War...not yet. It started with the Soviet–Japanese War. It was because of this war that Korea became divided. She was only 12-years old in 1945, and when Korea divided, so did her family. Her mother, Lee Bong Sum, left her husband and his family, taking both Han Sun Yo, and Han Ill Woong and fled across the 38th Parallel and into what would become South Korea. When the Korean War came full into swing in 1950, Han Sun Yo was now 17, and coming into her own in the South Korean Society. She was strong willed, proud, and...in love. She met a young man in his 20's and they both fell passionately in love (My mom never speaks of her father's name, so I don't know it). From what I was told, it was true, genuine young love, and one thing led to another, and the next thing Han Sun Yo knew, she was pregnant. Knowing the shame of being pregnant out of wedlock, she asked her love if he would marry her and make things binding and official. He agreed to marry her, but then he also revealed to her that he was already married.

To his first wife, from an arranged marriage. He claimed he did not love his first wife, like he loved Han Sun Yo. The man she loved was sorry that he lied, but professed that he truly loved her and still offered to marry her so she could be his second, and secretly, his most beloved wife. She was his first true love, and he promised to keep her as such. 

Han Sun Yo was horrified and disgusted. She felt betrayed and used. Despite this, she agreed to be his second wife. However, his family refused to allow him to marry her. They said he would never be allowed to bring "street trash" into the family. According to the story I was told, he refused to abandon Han Sun Yo because he truly loved her. He put her up in an apartment, and paid for her needs, despite his parent's disapproval. Then the day came, Han Sun Yo gave birth to a baby girl; Yu Im Jo (My mom), and she wept...not with joy, but with disappointment. Han Sun Yo was determined to give birth to a son, to please her lover, and to try and gain approval of his family with a boy, but instead, she birthed a girl. She knew with a girl, she would never officially be allowed to join his family. Her love didn't seem to care, and was happy to see his first born (yes, even before his first wife) child, even if it was a girl. I was told he held a celebration for the birth, and even had my mom blessed at temple by the monks. I suppose seeing his joy to his first born child, this helped calm Han Sun Yo and that she could try to make a happy life with the man she still loved. The joy was short lived as my mom later contracted tuberculosis as an infant and was in danger of dying. Han Sun Yo lamented, believing that the child she birthed was cursed and will bring her unhappiness with all the strife the baby was bringing into her life. Desperate, she and her love took my mom to temple and prayed with the monks to heal her. By a pure miracle, my mom pulled through and survived the tuberculosis, but she was now a dormant carrier.

A few years later, Han Sun Yo again found herself pregnant again. She was sure this time, she would birth a son and prove her worthiness to her love's family. She gave birth instead, to my aunt; Yu Moon Joo, and again she lamented. No son. No marriage. There was to be no happiness for her. During this time, the First Wife had given birth to three sons, making Han Sun Yo feel ashamed and envious. She thought her lover was sabotaging her somehow, by giving sons to the first wife, and only daughters to her. Her suspicions caused great strains to their relationship, and she grew spiteful and bitter.

Her lover loved his daughters, regardless. He would give them all kinds of gifts and treated them no different than his sons. He truly treasured his family, despite the division between his first wife, and his beloved. Han Sun Yo, however, was done with this arrangement. She, like her mother before her, tried to leave with her children, however, Yu Moon Joo, her youngest, refused to leave her father. Feeling obligated to look after her mother, Yu Im Jo decided to go with Han Sun Yo. Han Sun Yo left with my mom and moved back in with Lee Bong Sum (her mom), and set about making her own living. From what I was told, she resorted to...some unsavory practices. My mom said she was mostly raised by Lee Bong Sum, who would have my mom sleep in her room, and tell her not to listen at night while Han Sun Yo attended to her...customers.

I am not clear how long this sort of practice went on, but...I guess Han Sun Yo was able to save up enough money to start more regular work to support her household. She took out much of her frustrations on my mom during these years. Similar to many of the same physical and verbal abuse Han Sun Yo had suffered from her own parents as a child. My mom started to grow to be just as bitter and spiteful to Han Sun Yo over these years as well. When the time came that my mom met my dad (He was in the army and it was...the most unromantic, yet typical of the times story I ever heard...according to my dad, and I quote; "I saw her in the bar, and I thought she had nice legs.") Han Sun Yo saw her opportunity, and quickly approved the marriage. From what I was told, the wedding was literally thrown together in one night with the use of bribes and booze.

When my dad returned to the states, he returned with a new wife...and his new mother-in-law. Han Sun Yo came to the states with them initially, but since she was not allowed to live on the army base with them, she took up residence out in Los Angeles, California. While dad and mom were relocated to Fort Campbell, KY for his orders, Han Sun Yo made her own in CA. She was a brilliant business woman...and a scam artist. When my mom later gave birth to two girls (My sister and me), Han Sun Yo would scold and shame my mom for failing to birth sons. This cause more conflict and anger between them...I wonder if Han Sun Yo truly thought her bloodline was cursed to never have sons?
From my first memory of her, I remember she never talked about her "work". Mom used to say she ran her own business, but we never knew what her business was. All I knew is she would always spend alot of money to bring gifts for us when she visited. It felt more like she was trying to impress us, rather than give gifts with love sort of visitation. I think she wanted us to believe she was rich and successful. I think I did admire that confidence she always had. She was always sure of herself, and that she knew best.

Years would go by, and we wouldn't see or hear from her. We lived in Colorado for most of my life, and she moved here and there in California, but never looked for residence outside of that state. Once in a while, a visit to California to see her was sometimes made, or she would come visit us. In most cases, I remember the fighting between her and my mom. It was mostly yelled in Korean, and I didn't know what they were saying, but the visits would generally end like that. Years later, my mom told me the arguments were about Han Sun Yo telling my mom that she wasn't living the correct kind of life, and was dictating how she needed to live and act.

My mom's resentment to Han Sun Yo kept growing with more intensity with every visit between us and Han Sun Yo. Eventually...the visits stopped right around the time my parents divorced. At that time, I was 13, and History in this family seems to repeat itself. My mom was angry, bitter, and very full of herself, and when it came to where my sister and I would go, I opted to stay with dad...yes, like my aunt, Yu Moon Joo, I wanted to stay with my dad...there's more to it, but that is another story for another time. 

Han Sun Yo never visited after the divorce, but my mom said she used to get phone calls from Han Sun Yo, shaming her for the divorce, and again dictating what my mom should do. I remember sometimes we would also get a package in the mail from Han Sun Yo for some holidays with gifts of mostly fancy looking underwear and clothes. She loved animal prints, so I had alot of...leopard print shirts and underwear as a pre-teen. It was weird, but I figured "no one is going to see the underwear..." 
Years later, my sister got pregnant during her senior year of high school. At once, mom got calls from Han Sun Yo, shaming both her and my sister for allowing this to happen out of wedlock. 9-months later, my sister gave birth...to a son. The first son in the family line, and Han Sun Yo was ecstatic. She drove up to Colorado just to see her great-grandson. Only him. Han Sun Yo ignored my mom, my sister and even me. She took him from my sister the first moment she saw him, and never put him down. She carried him on her back, and treated him as the prince she had long been waiting for. It was all about my nephew, for her. The long awaited son. If allowed, I think Han Sun Yo would have taken him back to California with her so she could "raise him right" and not by my sister who she shamed for being an unwed mother(...hypocritical, I know), but there was no way my mom or sister would allow her to leave their sights with the baby. Han Sun Yo returned to CA alone, but not before declaring my sister's car was; "...not safe enough for him." and promptly gave my sister her car to protect the baby. She then paid for a flight home.

The last time I personally saw Han Sun Yo was in late June of the year 2000 at my Naval Boot Camp Graduation. I had sent invitations to my mom and dad to attend, so I was surprised to see Han Sun Yo had come with my mom. After the ceremony, I was able to join them and she actually looked proud to see me in uniform. I think she really felt proud of me at that time, and I felt happy to see her smile like that at me. The rest of the visit...kinda went down hill from there. I think I remember her talking about how I should quickly get married and "not mess up" like my sister and mom. Things got awkward, and I could see my mom getting more and more aggravated and stressed out. I was also told by my mom that she and Han Sun Yo fought the entire drive home. I am not sure why, mom wouldn't go into details, but it ended with Han Sun Yo disowning my mom and returning to CA.

I spent many years overseas and would get some hearsay from home about various events where Han Sun Yo either interfered with things, started fights, and ruined family events. I thought it was all just family drama, and I did my best to provide some emotional support over the phone to mom and my sister. From Sabotaging my mom's wedding to her second husband, to trying to run a Real Estate Scam, There was no shortage of stories from home. I cannot say if any of the stories were true or over embellished, but there was conflict, that is for sure.

It wasn't until 2013 that Han Sun Yo returned to our lives. Mom called both my sister and I late at night and told us she had gotten a call from the Denver Police, and that Han Sun Yo was found wandering Denver International Airport. We got together the next day, and mom told us the whole story.
Han Sun Yo had left the states shortly after the last altercation at my mom's wedding, and returned to South Korea to live with family there. Seems while she was there, she developed into a severe state of dementia, and her brother, Han Ill Woong, secretly sent her back to the states (He told NO ONE, not even his own family) with nothing but what was stuffed into her suitcases, and my mom's contact information. Han Sun Yo wandered the airport confused and lost, yelling at anyone who she came across to take her to her daughter. The airport security called the police, and they removed her from the airport and checked her into a hospital when it became clear she was not in a stable frame of mind.
The police then called my mom with the info they found on Han Sun Yo, and notified my mom of the hospital she was checked into and that she needs to come pick her up. Mom outright refused, saying that she was disowned and wanted nothing to do with Han Sun Yo, at all. The police could do nothing but leave Han Sun Yo at the hospital. Mom tried to sleep, but it lingered on her mind, so she reached out to my sister and I to let us know what is going on. She said the hospital says she has dementia, and one of us would need to take guardianship of Han Sun Yo, and see to her care. Mom flatly said no. My sister couldn't take her since she had 3 kids and a salon to run. So the duty fell to me, and I accepted. I found the hospital was in the same area of the Air Force Base where I would go for my Drill weekends, so I was able to see her fairly regularly and work with the staff to get the guardianship paperwork done, and get her moved to a local nursing home that was near my residence.

I could clearly see that she was Han Sun Yo, and yet...she wasn't. At first, I think Han Sun Yo did recognize me when I visited her, but she refused to speak English, and I never heard her utter my name. She seemed to only remember specific people, mostly those she possibly burned into her deep memories based on how strong her emotions were toward them. Han Sun Yo only seemed to remember; Han Ill Woong; the brother that she hated, My mom; the daughter she disowned, and my nephew; the first "prince" of her bloodline. I only know this because she would tell repetitive stories about Han Ill Woong and how she would kick and beat him up when no one was looking; Mom reluctantly accompanied me to visit Han Sun Yo in the nursing home, and she would stare intently at my mom and call her name; "...Im Jo?"; My sister and family would also occasionally visit with me, and she would focus only on my nephew, asking if he was healthy and in school. The rest of us were practically invisible.

For 6-years, I was in charge of Han Sun Yo's care, social security, and medicaid. I tried to make sure she was comfortable and safe. Over the years, her memory and functions continued to decline to the point she didn't remember or recognize anyone, and eventually Han Sun Yo was reduced to the mindset of a toddler. She was no longer the strong willed, confident, proud woman she once was. It broke my heart to see her like this, and I wondered if, deep down in the dark recess of her mind, she was screaming with shame for what she had become. On April 21, 2019, she passed away, and her remains were cremated. I tried to follow as close as I could in the Buddhist traditions for her sake. I had asked family in Korea if we could send some of Han Sun Yo's ashes back to them since we believed her wish was to return home to Korea, but my aunt Moon Joo sadly replied that they didn't have a place for her in the family tomb, because she abandoned the family years ago to live in the states.

After talking to my mom and sister, we decided the best place to take her ashes was to the Great Stupa of Dharmakaya in the Shambhala Mountain Center of Red Feather Lake, since it was the most prominent Buddhist temple and holy place we had locally. Mom thought she would like it there...so now our story comes full circle. 
After we said our prayers in the base temple, we ascended up the mountain trail to the Stupa itself, where we again entered the Stupa, laid out her urn, photo, and lit some candles (No incense was allowed in the Stupa), and again offered our prayers and wishes before the Buddha for Han Sun Yo. We then, with permission of the temple monks, buried her ashes on the hill overlooking the Stupa, and marked it with a stone. After we were done, I am not sure if she was showing her disapproval because this wasn't Korea, a storm suddenly rolled in and it thundered, rained, and hailed on us as we descended the mountain (I am not making this up). Once we reached the base of the Shambhala Mountain Center, the storm broke and the sun came out. Cold and soaking wet, we all headed home, still trying to keep our spirits up that we did the best we could.

Han Sun Yo. 할머니 (halmeoni). Grandmother. I am sorry. I am sorry for the  things you had to endure in life. The abuse in your childhood. The feelings of betrayal while in love. The frustrations of the culture you came from. These are the things that molded you into the bitter, arrogant, selfish, judgmental, and spiteful woman you were. You felt you had no choice. This was the way you saw to survive. To only rely on yourself.
You...deserved better. A better upbringing. A better outlook. You deserved...hope.
Despite all your faults and short comings, you were also a strong willed, confident, self-reliant, proud, and truly powerful in your own right. I did admire these traits in you. I hope, despite any disapproval from you, you can see I did care about you and did everything I could to make sure you were safe, protected, comfortable, and healthy. I hope you could hear my voice when I sat by your bed and held your hand that afternoon before you passed. I hope you can forgive any and all of us for any misgivings that we may have had in life.