And I Come With a Heavy Heart

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And I come with a heavy heart.
My bones suddenly ache
and my throat becomes dry as dirt.
Eyes seeping into tiredness,
I realize I feel like crying, but for what?

Do I cry for all that I've lost,
or all that I have yet to gain?
Do I cry for the feelings
that have been shed and wounded within me?
Am I to cry because I miss the people that I loved,
the people that I still love and want back?

My heart is heavy and all I do is look for guidance,
guidance in Him and others around me;
none of them knowing that I seek it so . . .

Huddled near a glowing screen, I write.
My emotions are bottled, sealed.
The things that bring me happiness
always tend to bring me pain as well.
I try and be brave, I try to speak out
so that I may not walk alone anymore.
I'm never really alone, but just to have someone,
someone physically—not spiritually—to know
and walk along beside me on this hard journey
is what I long for.

With a heavy heart, I pray to God.
I want to know that I have someplace,
someplace where I can finally be happy.
Moments wisp by every now and then
where I'm smiling, enjoying myself.
Brief moments pass by me where I will
give a small grin and a slight laugh.
But I'm not always happy.
When I'm alone, I dwell.
I dwell on the things that make me think.
Where is my place in the world?
Why can I not be happy finally?
I want to be. Do I deserve to be?

Heavy as my heart will allow,
I plan what future I want,
but that doesn't mean I will achieve it.
I hope I can.
I want it.

More than anything do I want it.
Beating fast within my chest,
I wonder when my heart will stop.
When will my time come and why am I still here?
Why am I in this world doing nothing when
God knows—and I know—that I can do better?
Why am I deserving of my breaths that I take each second?
Why am I deserving of this life I am leading?
Why can't I change?
I want to.
More than anything do I want to.

Aching in my chest as my eyes grow weary,
I shift my feet under the desk and type, my fingers,
thinking of what to press next, glide over the keys.
My head pounding now, I sigh and want to sleep.
My mind won't allow it though. It's cursed to have
a million thoughts pulsing though it at light's speed.
I want the thoughts to disappear, but they never leave;
always staying in place, coming in and out from my brain
whenever I don't want them there.

I just want to be happy.

And I come with a heavy heart
to say that . . .
I'll never truly be happy
if I'm not willing to make it happen.

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anonymous's avatar
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authorofthings's avatar
stay strong girl.....i used to feel this way to. right now i'm just trying to get closer to God (i don't know if we're talking about the same one here) it'll get better if you keep trying.
Sassafras-Tea's avatar
I know. Thank you. Things just aren't going the way I want them too lately and I'm getting tired more easily now because of that.
authorofthings's avatar
lol, i know how that feels. i don't think there's anything you can do about that except keep praying and just wait. God bless u
Sassafras-Tea's avatar
Thank you for the encouragement :) I appreciate it. God bless you, too.
authorofthings's avatar
no problem :) we gotta keep each other's back and support one another, right? :) even if it's just a little, i'm glad if i was able to help. thanks :D
Sassafras-Tea's avatar
Right! Thank you too! :aww:
anonymous's avatar
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