Ragout de Famille Folle

Chef Remy's Recipe for Ragoût de Famille Folle

What you will need:

1 young, inexperienced, brand new father
1 infant, around seven months of age, for best results
1 rodent with no prior exposure to young humans
1 estranged new mother
1 popular Parisian restaurant
Several stress-inducing factors, random combinations of various situations yield more interesting outcomes


To prepare this rather interesting dish, first add your father, infant, and rodent together under one roof in a manner that is abrupt and unsettling. This will cause all settled materials to separate and discombobulate entirely, releasing the true flavors of the ingredients. (Warning: some of these flavors may be extremely bitter and may have to be mixed with sweeter ingredients to offset, such as a calm evening watching movies or a trip to the farmer's market.)

Once you have shaken the ingredients well, mix in your estranged, new mother and apply intense pressure to the father. Doing so will tenderize and weaken him, squeezing the lifeblood out of him at the same time. Stir in a handful of lies and slander for good measure and sharper taste, and beat heavily.

Now that you've mixed all the main ingredients, it's time to add some real zest and life to this dish. Start by blending in the massive responsibilities of owning, running, and cooking at a popular, yet fairly small, Parisian restaurant. It's a step down from your typical five-star restaurant, but it's still an ingredient that, when combined with the volatile factors of fatherhood, produces the right amount of stress to bring both the father and rodent's properties to a simmer. Be careful performing this step, however. Leaving the business stress on for too long may cause said ingredients to boil, which could potentially damage their sanity and cause them to completely turn on each other. It's important to make sure this never happens, since both are key ingredients that were chosen to work together specifically!

Don't forget that the infant itself, while still being a very important factor, can also be a source of frustration if not handled and attended to correctly. It's best to pay close attention to it in particular, as it will spoil fast under the wrong conditions. Provide it with lots of love, tickles, kisses, and positive input, and it's sure to retain its sweet flavor.

You'll also want to allow your rodent (who is granted with the amazing skills of cooking gourmet food) lots of wiggle room and patience. Remember, it has never been exposed to young humans, and may need to marinate for quite some time in the new ways of life as it pertains to living with and adapting to the young human. If this marinating is not done properly, the rodent may be inclined to neglect his duties as head chef, or even turn against the father, ultimately ruining the entire dish.

Let all ingredients steep for several months. Soon, they will begin to even out, while still leaving a robust taste and the occasional spike in flavor.

To create an exciting variation of this recipe, begin with waking up late and having only one hour to be ready for work. Next, stir in a sleepy father, a very wide-awake infant, and a rodent chef, and designate the rodent to making a large breakfast in only fifteen minutes. While it is busy cooking, set aside the father and infant and slowly add bath water, then carefully place the infant in the warm water and scrub it clean. This likely won't turn out to be as simple as implied, since the infant has aged to a point where all things are a game, so be prepared to get doused with soapy bath water in the process.

Once the rodent has prepared the large breakfast, blend everything together rapidly. You should end up with one soaking wet father, an extremely flustered rodent, a handful of omelets also drenched with warm water, a chuckling, amused infant, and only five minutes to spare before work.

Note: This variation is best cooked by experienced chefs who are skilled in preparing all ingredients and performing all steps without entirely sacrificing their sanity.

Bon appétit!