Nothing is ever perfect in life. Nothing ever fully goes as we plan. It's been a while since i've updated. The past few months have been a roller coaster of events, emotions, and mental instability. My brother has been a major cause of most of our issues. From the first week moving into the new home, my brother made things difficult, uncomfortable, and dangerous. We had to kick him out just before Thanksgiving....Since then we've survived. It's been difficult, money is now tight, I am in the hiring process for a guard job, night shift, possibly just on the weekends until my husband is able to take care of himself a little better at home. Things with his medical situation haven't improved. We've attempted to put him on a diet, but he got very very sick. I haven't been able to get a slate yet, I WANT to work on art, make money from it, but without a slate I really can't do any digital work. That being said I CAN still make traditional art.
This won't be very long. Needless to say talking about everything doesn't seem to help much, and I've exhausted myself in trying to reach out to people. I've become a tad harsh, distant, and less tolerant. I'm tired of struggling, of scraping and clawing to survive, of getting so close to stability and comfort and overall content with life, and it's ripped away from me. I am not holding my breath with this job i'm in the process of being hired for. I was highly recommended by a good friend, but with my luck with jobs I am not getting my hopes up.
Lately to distract from the irritation and overall frustration of our situation I've delved heavily into World of Warcraft. Every night i'm on, grinding through old quests, achievements, mount and pet farming, and increasing my honor level. I feel like I have a purpose on their. I'm important and needed. I'm apparently GOOD at group PvP and often asked to join groups now. Most days if i'm not filling out paperwork or running out to my husbands medical appointments, i'm seen curled up on my part of the couch, with my snacks, engrossed in my computer. I'm either playing WoW or reading comics here on DA.
I'll leave this with this last piece of info. As most have probably guessed from my temperament and the overall tone of this journal, I am not in a good place emotionally or mentally. I am drained, I am tired, and I am fed up with the lot I have been cast lately. I am frustrated in many ways, a lot of my needs are not being met, and I am festering quietly inside. I've basically run out of outlets, and honestly I am at that point of just not caring anymore. I know my depression is strong right now. I haven't been taking care of myself. I have no motivation currently to do so. A lot of this could be due to the weather, too cold to take walks, it could be the lack of things to do, or able to do due to a lack of funds. It could be the lack of sex, as both of our sex drives are shot due to his injuries. Whatever the case, i'm not in a good place right now. No, i'm not thinking suicidal thoughts, i'm still too angry to be at that point. I don't think i'll hit that point again honestly. This depression is more of an anger then a sadness. I am angry with life, with how we've been treated by his job, insurance companies, anyone who has slighted us, i'm just angry all the time, and I try to bury it to avoid conflict.
Until I have more to say, or hopefully good news, i'll be around, watching, reading comics, silent, but never gone.