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So That Happened.

Journal Entry: Thu Jan 12, 2017, 8:50 AM
Dead in the middle of the night seemed a good time to update my situation for some reason, so for those still curious, here's the relatively good news:

The good news: that hunch I had? CONFIRMED. There's no surefire way to tell that it's the 100% cause, but based on the doctor's immediate observations, there's an incredibly high chance that if I get this fixed, I won't be in pain much longer. The bad news: ssssssurgery. I've gone under before, but that was for my teeth. Since I'll be bedbound for a while, I'm opting to do it after graduation from college. I'm asked whether I want to go to grad school or go into working after this semester, but believe me, it's really hard to see a day into the future when you feel like I do! I think I'll ride the wave of post-surgical good feeling straight to a gym membership or something when I'm able, haha.

I'm going to be inactive since the thesis deadline is creeping up on me blisteringly fast and I'm freaking out about it a little bit...I feel like I'm never going to get this thing finished. Can I finish writing and illustrating a book in literally a month??? One that requires research and an accompanying paper? I hope so, I have to.

As for a Raiden update, he's totally lost any lethargy. You walk up the stairs to his terrarium and he chases after you inside of it because he wants to be tong-fed crickets. His sight isn't very good, but he's having a great time being a lizard like he should. Good geck. Steals spinach. Will bite anything that resembles a spinach. Spinach. Why do you like stealing your insects' feeder food, you noodly nerd.

---

UPDATE not for me but for lil' Raiden: Raiden's eye blockage was removed (it was....disturbingly large) and he's on a bunch of medications now to see if he can regain his vision. His cornea is damaged, but his eye seems like it MIGHT still be viable if the little guy goes through a rigorous route to recovery. He's doped out in his terrarium, which is going to have to get another overhaul. It feels bad to have done care off of misinformation, but you wouldn't believe how pervasive bad care tips are throughout the reptile community. Raiden also got officially sexed (male and female geckos have different care in some regards, and it's hard to tell the difference) and the result was.....they have no idea. Maybe Raiden's hermaphroditic? 

Either way the recovery for the little guy is gonna be a little bumpy (read: take home shots), but the worst is over, so we can finally have very directed care and a healthy lizard. Still no news to report about myself other than my back's still killing me.

----

I was waiting until I had some answers to write this, but tbh, despite being on the runaround for a very long time, I still have nothing.

A little more than a year ago I decided I was going to lose some weight, so I walked around everywhere I could, but I took a tumble straight into rough concrete and had to wrap my knees in gauze to shield the public. I'd been doing a fair job up to that point, but this directly or indirectly brought on a super debilitating wave of misery that's had me in and out of doctors ever since. First it was leg pain, which was understandable, because I had to drag the leg for so long. I went to chiropractic and eventually physical therapy. By this time, my back had also gotten godawful, so physical therapy went above and beyond to try to address it. The leg got better. My back got so painful that I could barely leave the house for a few hours at a time.

I just got an MRI done and read my results. One hundred percent normal. No severe issues. No skeletal or muscular or nervous problems. I should be in flawless health, essentially. But regardless, I'm in soul-shattering pain almost as soon as I wake up, and it gets worse the longer the day goes. I constantly fidget and make frantic motions to relieve the pain that have left me ashamed to go into public.

I know I'm a little stunted, to say the least, but given that there is no reason for this to exist, I'm out of answers. I think everyone around me is either convinced I'm lying or that this isn't as bad as it is. I don't know what's worse, being told there's nothing wrong when there absolutely is, or being told that you're overexaggerating and lazy. I WAS WALKING FOR FUN BEFORE ALL THIS HAPPENED. I was doing well. Now I can't even unload my own dishwasher and I'm at the near-end of college so I'll have to be out on my own insurance with no proven inability to perform tasks and in the competitive job market (and considering that healthcare was changed again overnight, apparently, I'm worse off than I thought I was!)

All this garbage and I still have to be at a vet's tomorrow to take my lizard in for a possible surgical appointment to save his vision, since the little dude's aging, fighting medication, and freaked out while shedding and hurt himself. If that wasn't emotionally torturous enough, I've got to be in a car for hours on top of hours for the next few days to get there and back and to and fro, which is going to put me in physical pain again where I can't have medication support (it has a dizzying, weakening side effect). This won't stop. I'm just glad I don't have classes I have to leave the house for this semester, but what I do have is a supermassive graduation project.

TL;DR I'm an adult with an unexplained debilitating medical condition that's about to become independent from family healthcare (when getting healthcare is probably going to be as easy skiing through tar) and a pet I'm very attached to is probably going to be operated on tomorrow.

I wish that something was visibly wrong because AT LEAST I'D HAVE A TREATMENT PLAN, Y'KNOW. One can only suffer so much before their mind gets numbed.

EDIT: It's been asked and I have figured I might have one more option left. I'm from a family tree that has two sides of it turning out really short. On one of those family groups, there has been an operation to reduce back pain. She was elderly when this was performed, but I think we might have the same problem of being overgrown/developed for our body frame. I've always felt like my body tried to be taller but could never grow the extra few inches it needed. if this doesn't pan out I'm looking like I'm out of options :/ I felt like a titan when I crested above 4'11".

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:iconahimay-sokamu:
Ahimay-Sokamu Featured By Owner Edited Feb 27, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Glad to hear you found something out! Sorry it's come to surgery though, wishing you the best!
I'm also sorry I haven't gotten those doodles done yet, had some things going on myself.
Nice to hear the cute lizard is doing well too; he sounds so cute!
I will draw something though, I promise!
Reply
:iconsanguynn:
Sanguynn Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2017  Student Digital Artist
I'm sorta mortified of what surgery entails (stitches, that other nasty stuff, being completely dependent for a few weeks on other people) but I'm so glad there's a solution. I'd make it tomorrow if I didn't have to finish out school!
Don't worry about it! If you're doing something for free, nobody has any right to complain about you taking too long, as I see it. I think you're great for commenting and wishing everything goes well, it means a lot.

I also don't think I've seen Raiden quite so happy since he was a tiny thing. We know for a fact that he's receiving the best of care since our advice came from a vet and not breeder-sites, and he's really showing it. Makes me happy.
Reply
:iconahimay-sokamu:
Ahimay-Sokamu Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I can understand, I sure hope it goes well; at the very least you'll have relief from the pain! Hopefully the recovery period won't be too long either.
Aw, thanks. :D Good luck on your school work by the way, soon you'll feel a lot of the burden just disappear after things get taken care of.
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:iconahimay-sokamu:
Ahimay-Sokamu Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
That sounds like it must be awful....I'm very sorry dear. I can't really offer much advice or anything of the sort, but just know that I whole heartedly wish you and your cute little lizard friend the best. It's unacceptable that people think you're being dishonest. <3
Reply
:iconsanguynn:
Sanguynn Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2017  Student Digital Artist
I don't know if it's thinking I'm dishonest or being a big baby about it. A lot of the naysayers are people who don't spend a lot of time around me and probably wouldn't see how often this makes itself a problem.

Raiden is doing fine! He has a lot of medication but his eye seems like it MAY be saved. It's frustrating that our other vet (not a specialist) gave us a solution for the really bad eye that essentially did nothing for a few weeks and allowed the problem to get worse with time
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:iconahimay-sokamu:
Ahimay-Sokamu Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
That is quite good! Sorry to hear about that other vet though.
It's a shame, but least his eye is doing a bit better. I certainly hope it comes out alright.
Here's to hoping for your eventual recovery too; I can't imagine how terrible it is to live life with such a hindering pain.
I'm hoping some doctor out there will take you seriously.
Would a tiny doodle gift maybe spread some cheer your way? :>
If you're not comfortable with it I won't impose, just offering.
Reply
:iconsanguynn:
Sanguynn Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Student Digital Artist
He's fussing over medication but seems way less defeated and fiesty in general, lol. I think that everything we did yesterday really helped to ease his pain.

It sucks, but I'm having to take my circumstances and use them for the best. While I wait to hear back from a doctor, I can at the LEAST conduct some local research for my thesis project. Still gotta graduate college in a few months, haha. I was planning on getting some hours in at a job I held before the semester started too, but I still hafta wait and see what happens :U

I always welcome them! I don't have my tablet on me (I thought this would be a short stay at my parents' house) but I can certainly try to do something in return. I always like to try to do something to repay the kindness.
Reply
:iconahimay-sokamu:
Ahimay-Sokamu Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
That's good! Animals are quite resilient little critters.

Good luck, I can imagine trying to deal with college along with everything else is a bit tiring!

Oh no, you don't have to draw anything in return! Though I really appreciate the offer!

I wouldn't want you to push yourself with everything else going on; just tell me what you'd like done and I'll gladly doodle it for you! :D
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:iconsanguynn:
Sanguynn Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2017  Student Digital Artist
I have a folder of characters I'm fine with getting art of! toyhou.se/Azmaven/characters/f… If you're going to be so nice, the least I can do is give you a few options!
Reply
:iconahimay-sokamu:
Ahimay-Sokamu Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I would be more than happy to draw any of your characters!
Their vibrant designs and the great amount of detail is what drew me to your work in the first place, actually.
I shouldn't be too long, though if I end up taking some time I apologize!
Be right back with something nice~ :V
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:iconsanguynn:
Sanguynn Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2017  Student Digital Artist
Thank you so much! That's very nice of you to say :D
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:iconcyboarnetic:
Cyboarnetic Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
My aunt dealt with an undiagnosed medical condition for the longest time so I know you're going through a lot of shit right now. Maybe you should try asking them to look for Auto immune disorders because my aunt was told she had a low chance for Lupus and when we finally convinced them to check it, it turned out she had Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis. 

Even if you don't find a solution (or a simple solution) Chronic pain is horrible to deal with and I wish you and Raiden all the best. Ingolf the lizard emoticon 
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:iconsanguynn:
Sanguynn Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2017  Student Digital Artist
mmh, we have one potential resolution out there but we didn't consider it yet because it's from my grandmother's family tree, and she's super quiet and often drowned out by the louder family members who talked about having back pain. We're looking into that but most of these doctors are taken up until june, and I'm so convinced that if I still have to deal with this getting worse by then I'll either not be able to leave bed or worse, gotten hooked on pain meds or something.

Raiden would be a lot better if he wasn't so fussy >:v All these vet visits and prescritpions have left him mad and going into threat displays if he thinks you're gonna give him his eye meds. He's got to be gassed and have his eyes professionally cleaned and his vitamin levels looked at. He's so wiggly and he's usually really chill. I'm just glad he hasn't dropped his tail and think in all honesty he hasn't dropped it yet because he forgot how. And because he knows his life's not in danger, he's just pissy.
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:iconcyboarnetic:
Cyboarnetic Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
We never really visit doctors so I dunno how to help mate, I just hope you get this sorted out pretty quick you know?

and dang it you fussy baby!! I had just blocked it out of my mind that even big geckos could drop their tail I always think of little ones when they do that.
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:iconsanguynn:
Sanguynn Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2017  Student Digital Artist
He's gonna be even more pissy when he has to take the take home shots we got from the vet today and his oral and eye medications too.
And his daily soakings. This is gonna be an angry geck
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:iconcyboarnetic:
Cyboarnetic Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Oh god the eye medications must be the worst for lizards!!! little angry geck bleehhh. He still having problems with his shedding?
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:iconsanguynn:
Sanguynn Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2017  Student Digital Artist
his loose shed was all removed by the vets with very tiiny tweezers and a firm hand grip, and if we manage his tank humidity properly it'll prevent future problems. Humidity's unfortunately very fickle and hard to maintain
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:icongrotesqueriequeen:
grotesqueriequeen Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It's unspeakably frustrating enough feeling like you've run out of answers, to say nothing of having an uncertain support system ahead of you or having to deal with the additional stress of going through something like a pet's surgery. The fact that people aren't acknowledging what you're dealing with just because it isn't readily visible is inexcusable, because it's sure as hell real when it's making life this hard for you.

I know I'm limited in what I can physically do to help right now, but I'm here to listen and support no matter what.
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:iconsanguynn:
Sanguynn Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2017  Student Digital Artist
Yeah, the doctor walked in with a smile and I was sitting there like can you at least act professional and realize that telling me I'm perfectly okay isn't going to make me feel any better

Having it suggested that I don't care enough almost drove me mad. I CARE. I CARE VERY MUCH. I can't exercise like I used to when my body actually listened to me. I went for a stroll but I'm short of breath now at almost everything and I didn't know if I could make it home. And since I don't get hunger cues, I have to guess at when I'm starving, and it's usually when I'm weak or dizzy. Since I get that all the time, I might overeat, but having fad diets preached to me like gospel when I clearly have a much larger problem more demanding of attention isn't making me want to do anything close to listen to them. I'm on weight loss supplements and I can't move, I am doing what I can without taking away my ability to be human. I think the straw that's going to break the camel's back is that I'm getting fussed at endlessly about keeping a regular sleep schedule when my pain meds knock me out until 2 pm. LIKE WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, SUFFER OR SUFFER LESS. I'm flirting with insomnia and all everyone wants to tell me is how I'm managing my pain wrong when they don't even have a good comparison to what it feels like. All this 'help' from 'supportive' people amounts to 'hey I felt pain once and this stopped it' and that doesn't even touch what it's like to have a chronic condition. I can't cook healthy if I have a risk of falling in the oven.

You do more for me emotionally than anyone <3 You da best
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:iconaetherdust:
aetherdust Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2017
Wish I had an answer dude, maybe a second opinion. Not knocking the doctor or results, but sometimes a second look wouldn't hurt.
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:iconsanguynn:
Sanguynn Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2017  Student Digital Artist
I've gone to specialists and isolated out every single problem that could potentially be in my back. I still have one other course of action left - two of my family lines are known for being short like I am, and I'm one of the smallest by far, but ONE of those lines had a similar issue that was solved by chest reduction. Cosmetic surgery is not a very pleasant route, but if that's what it'll take to keep me out of pain then it's absolutely worth looking into...and it looks like all the docs that could look into this aren't available until june. So I'm not done looking (I'm finding an alternative) but I am running out of options
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:iconaetherdust:
aetherdust Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2017
I've also heard that is good for back pain. People wouldn't believe how something like large breasts can hinder just everyday things like sleeping, or just standing for periods of time. I hope that is what it could be, unfortunately does require surgery, but at least it would be a definitive answer to all the problems.
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:iconsanguynn:
Sanguynn Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2017  Student Digital Artist
I've sort of wanted something like that for a while anyway, so the if they're giving me problems again (this isn't the first time I've had a scare) then it's best to deal with it. Healing might be hard, but I've healed pretty well from tough wounds before. Stitches freak me the hell out though so we'll see how that goes, if that route ends up being taken.
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:iconaetherdust:
aetherdust Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2017
Well good luck either way, I hope you get some answers soon!
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:iconsanguynn:
Sanguynn Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2017  Student Digital Artist
Thank you!
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