(in which I find it hard to close a chapter and let my black hair go, amongst other things, like money worries and school stress and a sense of nihilism that creeps into me as i stare into the beginning void of summer break)
hi, loves. are you still alive? i am. but sometimes i wonder
if i turn cold in its progression, if it doesn't get better or worse, but simply grows more hollow.
i enjoy life and i'm very, very glad i survived the deathwish many years ago, but
in some ways i'm stronger and in some ways i'm more afraid.
i'm just guessing. we're all just guessing.
i'm tired of searching for meaning. i know that the meaning of life is whichever meaning you assign to it,
whatever mission you feel fulfilled persuing (at the given moment/respective phase of life/evolutionary stage).
i also know how to manage myself so i stay stable and efficient. i had to learn how to do it (the hard way).
sometimes this means turning ice cold and risking the outbreak of a war just in order to be able to protect my frontiers.
the latter has been a lesson in accepting my limits and defining my boundaries; i used to despise confrontation.
i realise that confrontation is inevitable if you want to move forward. in rare cases, collision seems a necessary evil.
i still despise confrontation, and i think that a lot of people take a lot of things too personally when I'm moving on from emotional trashes of others because i've left behind my own for good (put this way, I'm reminded of the ending of the movie Jim Carrol).
I came here tonight to write out my looping thoughts, even though they're not the responses people are waiting for.
There was one incident it felt like they were trying to press a premeditated answer of theirs out of me.
It's all related, but in some places, my reality just doesn't touch theirs.
I now think that it's okay to be egocentric, because at the end of the day, it's your personal forthcoming in life, and you only have one life. This life features you, and hopefully many lovely other people, but sometimes there are moments when you have to turn in a thesis and fucking focus on your work and yourself for a hot second.
Because I have things of my own going on.
Even though I shouldn't require to justify them by rating, I do say: Some of them are meaningful things.
I have begun to evaluate the significance of things by the significance they will have in hindsight, from the brink of my deathbed. Right now, I'm glad I've been taking a step back to be with myself. I think it's transformative and, honestly, I'm also glad I didn't bother considering whether or not others' expectations oppose this decision.
I'm often considerate. I listen often. I invest time and energy often enough to not let it drain me.
My energetic household is run by the help of a firewall. Its filters involve emotion-proofing and cost-value ratings, and it's especially sensitive to 'people stress'. Because I'm sensitive to people stress.
The firewall also reminds me I'm not responsible for others' drama.
We don't act right or wrong, we just act; and we do so out of our human drive of self-actualisation, not intentional, personal, targeted malice. - In the same vein, problems we have with others are, at the root, personal problems we're really having within our own ...construct. personality. house of life that we've taken it home to. whatever this circle of individual life reality / personal business can be called. (I think that's okay to think.)
I also think that the social connotations of this 'seclusion' topic covers so much space in this entry because my circle of friends is ... special, y'all. (I guess that's okay. Maybe. Though it doesn't sit easy. It has begun to sit uneasy a while ago, and now I feel the edges with every bump.)
(Broken dolls, everywhere I look.
In the contacts in my phone, in my school, wherever I walk, who I ever meet in my life.
Was I cursed, is this the law of attraction, or is this somehow some sort of special talent?
Maybe we're all fucking broken.
Maybe it's the art, maybe it's the water, maybe it's the times, maybe it's the world, maybe it's politics, maybe it has always been this way. Maybe everyone of us is infected with some kind of pain. Maybe it's not only a few people. I used to believe it's only a few people. I guess I hoped so. But I'm starting to think that it's really all of us. Humanity. Is doomed.)
and i'm blessed with an abundance of love,
the privilege of education,
and the perseverance to bite through school and moneyless times
because i aspire to get to things i imagine to be nice.
repeatedly, phases occur in which i lack stamina.
i doubt i'm able to work on the side of school long term but i have to try. i failed the first time around.
if i had grown up any other way, i probably wouldn't feel like fate is chasing me.
i'm feeling it so hard right now.
Below all, I miss H. But I have to endure this separation. I have to
mourn the end of this titleless chapter
and find out who I am without him
and only then can I return and start a new one
or maybe even a new volume
It's all so sad.
Adult life, the general passage of time,
things that alter our emotional and physical bodies.
Some things are borderline traumatic,
they crack our old shells open so we can do the caterpillar thing.
Some events turn into memories,
but how we'll remember them always turns out as a surprise.
Maybe I'm also mourning the loss of my old idealism
in the face of the general passage of time.
Listening to: chaining thoughts amidst silence and my tinnitus
Playing: i went to meet people only to find that i was sad