Published: October 28, 2012
I wanted to say yes.
I wanted to take your hand in mine and like a couple of idiots, run through the heavy traffic and pouring rain, and keep at it till our feet resign.
We'd find a tree with branches wide enough with leaves broad or plentiful enough to take shelter under, and there, you'd place your head on my lap as I'd sing you my favorite love song. The song I'd always wanted you to sing to me.
If only I hadn't found out the hard way that your feelings for me are but as thin as an onion's skin and that I could never accept and bow down to no matter how suave your courting style may be. If only I was stupider than what I really am- maybe then I would have reciprocated to your efforts all my yearning I've kept sealed tightly, maybe then we might have had a chance.
When I told you to make things clear and to stop teetering between the fringes of my hopes and dreams and the cruel loneliness that awaits, my blood was already thinning and I was gagging from my silent yet continually flowing tears.
It felt as if you were a criminal- a kidnapper with my child under your gun's command. It felt as if you were about to make your big escape along the borderline separating America and Mexico as I, the poor victim's mother- another victim as well in right and deed, pace and wail and rip my soul to shreds while waiting and dreading for news of your capture and the well-being of my child.
The minute you told me, so very nonchalantly, that you wanted me but still wanted to keep things easy, that I should slow down- I felt an avalanche coming down. My organs froze and I lost all the senses in the tips of my fingers and toes. I was buried under what felt like miles of endless bleakness as I just stood there- frostbitten.
I ignored you for longer than I could remember, but you haunted my days and nights nonetheless. You were never a kind creature, I confess, and I regret it all. But still. I wish I could have, for once, let go of all my restraint and fears and just put my trust in you like the fool my heart really is.
Because when I lie in bed at night, recalling the reason why I can never sleep enough or eat just right, I remember you and I, I remember how against my better judgement
I wanted to say yes.