Nothing is okay right now

And I hate it. I just had a pretty bad episode where I got angry at my sister for making unkind comments toward me and a lot of other things out of my routine. I got so angry that I nearly broke the dishwasher. I just wish she kept her mouth shut. I wish she didn't tell me I needed to live in a group home or that I was a bitch. It just makes me impulsive. I got so angry and impulsive that I got myself sick and nearly threw up.

To be fair, I feel like no one in my family, except for my dog Finn, is nice to me. I've been showing symptoms of something other than autism. Something like bipolar disorder, PTSD, or borderline personality disorder. I'd rather not diagnose myself with anything though because I'm against it and don't wanna sound hypocritical.

A lot of these things started happening as early as 2010. I got in an argument with my Mom and I sat in my sister's room crying for an hour or two until dinner.

In late 2011, I started to get worse. I showed signs of impulsiveness as my family was annoying me on purpose and I would hit them. It got to the point where Mom told me she didn't want me to turn out like my cousin with bipolar disorder or my uncle with borderline personality disorder, who at the time was said to be autistic instead. She would often shout at me every time I had an episode and told me she wouldn't like me turning out like them.

Around 2012, I can't remember everything happening. I don't think I was any better there.

2013 happened and it was the worst year of my life. I was forced to go to middle school where they gave me too much work and it caused me to have breakdowns in front of everyone in the school. The teachers almost never responded in the correct way. They would often grab my hands and physically or emotionally abuse me.

The following years, I lost count of what happened. Around 2014-2015, I got in an argument with Mom and self harmed. She brushed it off, didn't see it as important, and gave me a band aid to cover up my scar. Apparently around the same year, my sister was having really bad mental problems and my parents were treating her like shit. They then forced her to go back to church and it made her "happy" to be back. I don't think she's actually happy there. It's just her friends that make her happy.

2016 wasn't any better because I went to Disneyland with my family and I had a bunch of breakdowns over food and the stuff.

When 2017 came around, I was unsure about my sexuality so I tried going with "bisexual" to see how my Mom would react. She didn't react well and gaslighted me, saying I wasn't bi and forced me to go to church via bribery. 3 years after I confronted her on the incident, she just brushed it off, said it wasn't abusive, and that she could've been worse. My sister did the same thing to me. She tried sympathizing with me and acting all nice, but she was just plain manipulative. She just wanted me back in the Mormon church, aka the "cult" of "Christians." If anything, Mormonism is just a big cult with over several million followers. And Utah was infamous for segregation back in the 60's and they also have high LGBT+ suicides.

Later on in that same year, I decided I wanted to be a pagan, and my Mom tried to brainwash me again, saying it was "love." I had one of the worst outbursts of the decade, where I tried to run off from my family and commit suicide. The worst part of all is that it was on my sister's birthday.

Around 2018-2019, nothing got better. I remember having a bunch of really bad breakdowns. A lot of which ended up in near suicide attempts or self harm stuff. One time when I tried to hang myself, my Dad told me I was too fat for me to be hung. It's not like he made my day any better. In fact, it was mainly terrible due to how he reacted to my episodes or how he'd often start them. My Mom's not any better. Whenever I have a meltdown that causes me to think of risky behaviors such as self harm and suicide, she'll just brush it off and say I was overreacting over stupid things. Not to mention, around 2018 Dad thought it was okay to nearly ruin Christmas with his rude and unkind attitude.

2020 is probably the worst year so far. That, or the second or third worst year for me. After Billie died, nothing feels the same anymore. It just feels really empty without her. And my thoughts of self harm and suicide have skyrocketed.

I'm unsure of what mental disorder I have, but it's hurting me. Dad misdiagnosed me with schizophrenia and made me more confused.

As far as I'm concerned, I feel like my cousin went through the same experiences with her Mom and often acted impulsively. She hit her Mom and went to jail for it. I feel it could've been to mistreatment from her mother but I don't know.

It's scary to think I could end up like her, but honestly I feel like I could. She married someone who is abusive to her and she's not any better. She treats her baby like trash and such.

I really just wanna get out of here and I just need a better life. I'm unsure what'll happen in the future and it scares me. I've thought of my own death and it's gotten to the point where I wanna commit suicide at a young age. I'm concerned what'll happen to my stuff. Will there ever be a museum dedicated to my stuff or will it just be sold and trashed?