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I slipped out for a break 'cause I wasnt feeling myself and I'm still sort of not, but I want to distract myself by updating my page for a little bit with a new OC thing I'm doing for Final Fantasy XV. I took a lot of time on her and I'm very proud and I hope others will like her too. La la la la 
  • Listening to: Taeyeon
  • Reading: N/A
  • Watching: N/A
  • Playing: N/A
  • Eating: Chicken salad andwich
  • Drinking: Lemonade
Hey peoples, how's it going on?
I really really REALLY feel bad about making this my first journal, but it's clear that this is sorta killing me and I gotta vent a little. You understand, right? <3

I'm sure alot of you K-Pop fans out there know about Jonghyun's death, right? I was utterly devastated, him being my bias of SHINee and all. I read his final messages sent to his loved ones and really felt that genuine empathy and sympathy for him. So many of us have been there in depression. We could never really know how deep it really was for him, only that it was enough for him to no longer see the bright side of life. I almost did the same thing in high school, and now I am significantly better. Not a single thought of suicide has crossed my mind when things got too hard...but it doesn't mean that I got out of my depression. Not at all. I'm sure you've all got a small hint of how I've been feeling due to my long absence and my last piece of artwork I submitted. I keep feeling like it's not right for me to feel this way since I don't live in the most depressing lifestyle. But then I try to remember Jonghyun: not even being loved by millions around the world was enough to make him feel loved and needed truly, so it's real proof there that literally ANYONE, regardless of how good they have it made, can be so destroyed inside. 
I'm basically trying to train myself to see the better side of things when they get tough for me. I'm trying to build my confidence and try to love myself as best as I can, and it really does work for a while; the longest I could remember being for about 3 months. But then come those feelings again where I feel like everyone just doesn't love me anymore and feel that I'm just crying for attention when I display signs of depression. 
I know I have some people to talk to in real life (not including my parents), but to be honest, as incredibly weird as this sounds...I don't want to keep talking to them about this stuff. I know I've tired them out with my whole deep-depression-suicidal problem back in high school, and I don't want to come to them and bring them down again. I want them to think that I really am getting better, because I hopefully will be in the far future. But for now, I just ask to any of my followers, or even a complete DeviantArt stranger...can somebody please be a person I can lean on?

I feel like I'm sounding like a little kid; plz don't judge me for this. But seriously, it's just that I feel like I really need somebody to just sit down with and take a break to stop being faux happy for just a little bit. Somebody to automatically come to when I know I really don't feel like talking to somebody in real life; I've burdened them enough. It's weird how alot of us don't know each other personally, yet we are all brought together emotionally

So please, anyone willing to be that friend for me? (you don't have to, seriously, I will not come to you bawling all the time, just when I get too tired of being happy. I don't wanna bring you down too) :sigh: 
  • Listening to: Taeyeon
  • Reading: N/A
  • Watching: N/A
  • Playing: LOZ Skyward Sword
  • Eating: N/A
  • Drinking: Hot Chocolate