|Can't believe nobody made this joke before...|
Celestia lowered her head, closing her eyes as she put her head to the desert sands below, her rainbow mane flowing freely. All the Saddle Arabians watched in awe as her horn glowed, and then before their eyes as Luna hovered overhead…it sprang forth. A beautiful natural spring that looked as though it had always belonged there, waterfalls pouring into an immense lake as more and more sprang up around the desert. Luna held her hooves high and from the skies came forth beautiful, crystal clear rain, bathing over the overjoyed crowd as they cheered and happily whooped and hollered.
“Another wonderful opportunity for discoveries. Voila! An end to the drought! Voila! An end to your hunger!” She added, beautiful trees filled with fresh fruit rising all around the springs, delicious-looking berries popping up on bushes all around. “Voila!”
She pointed her horn at a poor Earth pony Saddle Arabian covered in festering boils who was barely able to wrap rags around himself to cover up his disgusting visage and he gasped as he looked down at himself, now utterly cured as Luna flew down towards a horn-broken-off Unicorn. “A cure for Leprosy!”
“Voila!” Luna proclaimed, touching HER horn to the stub that the poor Saddle Arabian had and before everyone’s eyes, it too began to heal. “A cure for Broken Horn Syndrome!”
Immediately, all of the assembled dark-furred Saddle Arabians bowed their heads, falling to their knees or on their bellies in grateful worship as Celestia and Luna tenderly nodded back. “Thank you, thank you. But your praise is not needed. We only desire for you to live decent, good lives. Enjoy these boons we have given you.” The two insisted firmly as they made their way up, up and into the air, flying off.
“Where shall we head to next, sister?” Celestia inquired before suddenly a scroll popped up right in front of her with a green burst of flame, and she caught it in one hoof, opening it up. “Oh! It says that the inhabitants of Ponyville, from our little ponies to Monsterkind are all so happy with their lives here they want to celebrate the anniversary of their arrival at our palace in Canterlot! They’re already there and working on a big “surprise party”.”
“Why the quotation marks?” Luna inquired
“I KNOW Pinkie wrote that part.” Celestia said with a little smile. “She’s got that darling little twirl to her writing.”
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to them, the town was now deserted, leaving only a small band behind to save all of Equestria and to fend off the encroaching Caribou horde. Squirt, Chrysalis, Discord and Sombra were making their way into the underground tunnelways which had been naturally carved from the earth below the town, with one purpose: redirecting the sewerways. They too were situated just below the town, and what Squirt intended to do was a bit of rearranging. Connecting one tunnelway…to another.
Of course, it would take QUITE a bit of magic to pull this off, and they didn’t have a lot of time. So they had to work fast, with Discord using his considerably powerful might to help them direct their efforts. Putting on a hard hat and snapping his claws, an enormous map stretched out in front of them made of shimmering light, perfectly illustrating the Ponyville sewer system overlayed over the natural passageways below the town as his eyes faintly glowed.
“We’ll have to connect them here…here…and here.” Sombra said, pointing at three points on the map. “Those are the passageways that lead directly up to the town. One by the schoolhouse, one right below city hall as an emergency escape route, and another…there.”
“By FLUTTERSHY’S home? Oh wow, that woulda been close.” Squirt remarked as he shook his head. “Well that’s not gonna happen. It’s a shame Sans can’t help us with this.”
“His ability to move things about with his unique magic is for ORGANIC targets. Beings that have souls can easily be affected by his magic. Without a soul, his magic is nigh useless. It’s why he has to teleport or dodge attacks instead of simply snapping his fingers to halt a bullet shooting towards him.” Sombra calmly informed the youngling.
“That’s fine, my boy. They’ll do their part. Because there’s still Caribojangles…” Discord remarked with a dark frown. “We need him dealt with by heavy hitters while we…take out the TRASH.” He said, adjusting the construction worker helmet atop his head, eyes glittering as Chrysalis and Sombra’s horns surged with raw magical power and Squirt dove into a pouch on his belt, blowing dust over the two as their horns began to pulsate.
“Oh MY! What a delightful tingle!” Chrysalis cooed, murring almost erotically as Sombra licked his lips. “This feels niiiice. Whatever did you do?”
“My dad’s been teaching me the art of crushing up magical ingredients for powder, to help him out with stuff. We figured out ringwort and blue mushrooms will increase raw strength, but blue mushrooms and parasprite blood mixed together with crushed gems increase MAGICAL power. For about…five minutes.”
“Channel your energies. Focus. Breath in…” Discord commanded. “And focus on moving the tunnelways.” He said, putting a hand on each of their heads so they could see as HE could, and see the natural tunnelways stretching out before them. They focused intensely, a burning, powerful tingling sensation filling their frames as the tunnelways began to shift and shudder, and Squirt grinned with delight, hearing the sounds of the underground shifting about…and the unmistakable wet, schlurping, sloughing sounds that accompanied them, knowing his plan was working perfectly.
“I am a SICK pony.” He chuckled.
Asgore, Shinedown, Chara and the Sanses stood at the edge of Ponyville, Caribojangles standing there. Unlike all the other Caribou, he had done something they hadn’t thought was possible.
He had dug himself squarely up. Up, up through what had to have been a full two miles worth of natural earth…to emerge outside the town’s limits. He had dig and dug and dig and dug, and was now covered in dirt and muck and grime. But frankly, that was an improvement. Caribojangles smelled bad. He looked bad. He even sounded bad. His voice reminded Shinedown of the sound of your throat having been crushed, and you were TRYING to say something, anything, but failing miserably, your voice now a wet, squelchy mess.
And they WISHED his voice was a wet squishy mess that made what he said inaudible. But no. Despite the ugly, hateful tone…they could hear every single word he said, his hair flopping over what looked like a badly-burnt face, one eye blind and burned to a crisp, leaving nothing but a hollow empty hole of a socket, the other a seething, furious, sneering deep brown that looked ugly.
Ugly. Everything about Caribojangles was ugly. His horns were ugly and misshapen, his muscles looked like it HURT to be him, hurt to have that much on him. He had flies circling around his flies, his hair was shaggy and unkempt, and his teeth were gnarled and crooked and matted with old bloodstains. Half his fur had clearly never, ever grown back from being burnt off all those years ago, showing off near-rotten skin that almost had muscle and sinew exposed, ugly purple bruises left behind…
Ugly. Just. Plain. Ugly.
“You got a lot of nerve showing your face here.” Shinedown spoke softly.
“I know your eyes. You’ve got HIS eyes.” Caribojangles said, his singular eye narrowing. “…one of his spawn.”
“Sombra is unfortunately my ancestor.” Shinedown said as he took out something from the belt he wore, showing off a long, looong chain that had a wicked, ornate hook blade at the end. He began to quietly twirl it in one hoof, his deep blue eyes coldly gazing back at Caribojangles. “And UNFORTUNATELY I evidently inherited his penchant for cruelty.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing. So. Where are all these lovely little ponies I’ve heard so much about from the tribes to the North? They had nothing but nice things to say about their wonderful trading partners, led by the ever-wise Celestia and Luna. And much to my surprise, I find MONSTERS here as well? Oh, this day just keeps getting better.” Caribojangles chuckled as he looked over at Error Sans and Normal Sans. “So you’re a skeleton? I wonder…if I used your skull for sex, and then a decorative birdhouse…would that make me a necrophiliac?”
“You are one sick puppy, you know that? And I know sick.” Error Sans commented coldly.
“Everyone to their own tastes. Mine is for corpses.” Caribojangles said with a scraggly grin as he licked over his teeth with an overly red tongue. “Among other things. As Sombra learned...probably why he burnt me alive.” His eyes turned foul and twistedly dark. "I didn't much CARE...for that!"
“You will leave now. You are outnumbered.” Asgore demanded furiously, clutching his trident with barely-restrained fury at this disgusting specimen of being.
“Outnumbered, yes. But you’re…outclassed.” Caribojangles proclaimed, the hollowness in his eyes suddenly bursting forth, ugly, hateful, oozing blackness swelling forth, rocketing towards them. They all barely dived out of the way in time as the town hall went up in a horrific blaze of big, black flame that looked like a mixture of ooze and oily vomit blended together, Caribojangles cackling insanely as Asgore turned pale. He had seen that type of magic only once before…and now he knew how Caribojangles had stayed alive.
“Necromancy. You’re a LICH.” He realized aloud.
“Tell you what, sir. You win, and you can keep my heart.” Caribojangles laughed, reaching up with a hoof as he pulled aside a patch of fur on his chest, revealing a rotten, disgusting, maggot-ridden heart that was barely beating, Error Sans’s eyes turning into pinpricks in his sockets as the caribou leader turned to him. “Well look at that. SOMEBODY’S interested. For some it’s hot women. For others it’s hot men. But you see an insanely powerful magical item…and it’s a party in your pants!”
“That’s enough chatter!” Shinedown roared out, his chain shooting forth with almost insane speed, latching around Caribojangle’s throat as he tugged him forth. “GET OVER HERE!”
KRA-KRAK! He kicked him. Hard. And the caribou leader was sent spiraling towards a tree, crashing through it but quickly rising back up, ugly, foul wings of bone stretching out from his shoulders as he launched himself at them all, cackling madly as Asgore’s trident turned a familiar blue color and Error Sans and Sans looked the Caribou leader over.
“He almost doesn’t have a soul.” Error commented.
“well…almost only counts in horseshoes.” Sans said with a smirk.
Meanwhile, the caribou were trotting along through the dark expanses, frowning to themselves. As they had continued their trek through the darkness, their torches had gone out. Now they had to rely on the simple instruction that their leader had given: simply follow the path until you see the light. That will bring you to the town, and to new conquests. Yet though they kept following the path, occasionally bumping into the walls, something was off.
It began to smell worse and worse, and the trudge further and further down the path was becoming harder and harder. The ground beneath their feet was oddly soft, almost wet, and those in back were beginning to grumble.
“Somethin’ ain’t right. Why’s it getting’ harder and harder to move?”
“I can’t see a damn thing!”
“Can’t somebody light a new torch?”
“With what?! We ran out of matches!”
“Can you even HOLD a match in your big, meaty hoofs?”
“What did you say?!”
“BIG! MEATY! HOOFS!”
“Oh, give it a rest.” Caribojangle’s second in command at the front yelled back, the poor idiot rolling his eyes as he kept walking forward. “I think I can hear water. We must be near the town’s fountain or the like.” Cariboromir said cheerily as they all strained their ears. Sure enough, the sound of rushing water was faintly audible, and getting closer as they kept walking. A smile began to spring up on their unpleasant mugs as they grinned with delight. “Now how about a cheery little song to keep our spirits up?”
“Where there’s a whip! There’s a way! Where there’s a whip! There’s a way!”
“No, no, not that.” Cariboromir commented with a snort of his thick nostrils. “I don’t know what I’ve been told, but pony pus-”
But before he could finish, suddenly he slipped and fell squarely onto the ground with a loud, ugly SQLA-SCWORLCH, and everyone began to laugh. He struggled to get back up before suddenly…he realized a bunch of the overly-wet, muddy-esque “ground” had gotten all over his face and…on the edge of his lips.
His tongue slowly curled up…flicking at it.
“…tastes like shit.” Cariboromir muttered as the others began to slowly stop laughing, realizing the sound of rushing water…was getting louder.
Even though they’d stopped moving.
“Oh fuck, that’s what it IS, it’s SHIT!” Cariboromir cried out, the horrific realization coming all too soon. “OhletmeouttahereohI’mgonnablowmygroceriesohshititsSHITohmygooooooooood-”
And with a THWOOOSH, it came. An enormous, fervent, fountain of cess that spilled forth through the tunnelway, slamming into the Caribou, sweeping them down, down, back down the way they’d come. They spiraled around, spinning and twirling, mouths half-full of rotten garbage, refuse and pony waste, coughing, spluttering and howling in denial, the cry of “Oh shit it’s shit” echoing again and again through the near-endless passageways.
“WHOEVER DID THIS IS A SICK, SICK MOTHERFUCKER!” Cariboromir managed to cry out, sobbing uncontrollably.
Meanwhile, Caribojangles had grabbed hold of the chain Shinedown sent towards him anew, and had yanked the Earth pony forward, KICKING him high, high into a chimney on a nearby roof. Smirking in pride, he then slammed his hoof into the ground, and sickly shockwaves shot forth, racing towards Sans as he nonchalantly swept away, Error calmly sliding to the side as well as the two spoke as one. “C’MON. THINK I’M GONNA STAND THERE AND LET YOU HIT ME?” They asked.
But then Caribojangles twisted his horn, and the shockwaves TURNED, reeling back towards them, the two now forced to teleport onto nearby roofs as Asgore swept his blazing Trident at the lich, the blade enveloped in his blue light. The caribou howled as it dug into his neck, the head flying up, up. Asgore calmly shoved the body back…
Only for it to hold its hooves out, catching the head, putting it back on as he smirked, then tossed it straight at Asgore, who caught it in one hand.
“Hey. Wanna little head?” It asked before its tongue shot out, stabbing into Asgore’s cheek, making him reel back in a mixture of disgust and pain as the body twisted, avoiding Chara’s sweeping knife. Chara sliced and slashed, his eyes almost red as he coldly gripped the handle, his face without pity, without mercy.
“This time, when you’re killed…stay dead.” Chara demanded coldly, trying to surge forth and stab into the ugly, beating heart as Error Sans flicked his fingers. Blue thread shot forward, wrapping around the Caribou’s leg and sweeping him around and around and around.
“Don’t know about you, but I’m having a ball.” He commented wryly before Asgore tossed the head away at last, Caribojangles hopping over to the wire and BITING into it. Ugly, foul black ooze shot up, slamming into Error Sans as he howled and screamed, a foul, disgusting miasma covering his body, forcing him to leap onto Sans.
“You’re both skeletal creatures. Beings on the plane of Death. And MINE to command!” Caribojangles laughed as Chara cringed in horror, Error Sans and Normal Sans rising up, black ooze dribbling out of their sockets as they slumped forward, heading towards the group, Asgore cringing as he grasped his trident.
“We can’t hurt them! They’ve barely got any HP!” He insisted.
“The dangers of being a glass cannon.” Chara grumbled. “What’re we going to do?”
“You can DIE!” Error Sans roared out, flexing his hands, blue wires wrapping around them, slamming them into a nearby house, the walls collapsing and crashing around him. Sans snapped his fingers, Gaster Blasters rising up in the air behind him as its jaws opened wide, light coalescing around it as Caribojangles calmly watched on, nonchalantly putting his head back on as the reached up to his chest and pulled out a rib which had odd holes in it. He calmly blew into it, the thing now a harmonica of sorts as he began playing a jaunty little tune, Asgore and Chara howling in agony as they kept getting blasted and blasted, being killed by inches.
“you got so much sin crawling on your back.” Sans muttered, the ooze slowly dribbling out onto the ground below. “so…much…sin…no, no, this is wrong, stop…stop…” He murmured, the ooze mixing with tears as he tried to dismiss the Gaster Blasters, tried to call them off…but Error Sans kept them still and he couldn’t get rid of the Blasters. The lich’s will was overriding his own…
But then salvation came. Shinedown had hidden in the shadows, slinking through the town and going around them, and now his chain shot out, wrapping around Caribojangles’s neck, tugging him back, breaking his concentration. Error Sans flopped to the ground, Sans panting and heaving as Chara and Asgore rose back up, barely alive…but alive. Shinedown, meanwhile, was wrapping his hooves around the lich’s heart, trying to wrench it out, tug it out…
The caribou looked up at him, smirking coldly. “Don’t you know it’s rude to reach into someone’s chest?” He remarked, kicking Shinedown squarely in the-
“OOOOOOOH.” Chara cringed, Shinedown flopping off the Caribou lich, clutching his crotch. “Damn, man. You are cold. But hey. The nards are fair game.”
Asgore was now furious. He held his trident up and roared, and burning purplish/blue flames shot forth, surging at the Caribou, who managed to roll away…except for one that bathed over his leg.
And a look of pure, absolute, total horror came over his eyes. A brief, disturbed frenzy that made him quickly tried to pat it out, howling and gasping as Asgore’s eyes widened, Shinedown realizing what was going on as he tried to rise up.
“You’re still afraid of the fire…” Shinedown whispered coldly, realizing what Sombra had done had left an indelible stamp. And with that, he reached into his pouch, and with a shaking hoof, blew dust at the leg and the little flame.
And with that, the flame BLEW up in a horrific blaze, the lich screeching and howling as Asgore realized now was the time. Error Sans shot his blue wires forth, Asgore holding his trident high as more and more fireballs rose up, aiming squarely down at the now-trapped lich as Shinedown rolled away, Chara helping him up as Sans clenched his fist.
“gonna be a HOT TIME in the old town tonight.” He wryly chuckled, as bones jammed into the lich’s hooves, his legs, his arms, helping along with Error Sans to keep him further still. Panicked and howling and screaming, Caribojangles’s mind was to positively terrified to think of any incantation that could free him, as wave after wave of flame barreled down on him over and OVER AND OVER-
And then, at last, Chara coldly walked over to the ashes, where a single beating heart laid, diseased and maggot-infested as he frowned darkly. “I’ll bet there’s some spell on it that keeps IT from dying too. Let’s put it in a box or something and dump it in the ocean where nobody’ll ever find it.” He grumbled.
“Or better yet…” Error Sans remarked with a wink.
And then, in an instant, they realized what he was up to, and suddenly the heart was gone, Error Sans now teleported atop a nearby roof. “It’s been fun. Really. Had a REAL great time with all of you. But a magic item this powerful, I can’t just let it go to waste.” He chuckled. “Not when there’s so much fun to be had with it! I knew I might need it, so I admit…I kinda held back against him.”
Sans growled darkly, eyes turning into dark sockets. “you didn’t go all out just so you could steal his…dirty pool.”
“Yeah. Ain’t I a stinker?” Error Sans laughed, vanishing an instant later as Asgore collapsed to his knees, panting and heaving as Chara raced over to him, Shinedown wobbling over to Sans, putting a hoof on his shoulder.
“It’ll be alright. We’ll get him eventually.” He offered. “We take this as a win.”
Meanwhile, down in the underground tunnelways, Sombra calmly stood there, Chrysalis and Discord chatting amongst each other as they headed for another exit, Squirt glancing at Sombra, who looked back at him.
“You don’t want to come with us?”
“…I’m not truly one of you.” He spoke up. “Do not forget this. Our interests aligned. But I can’t very well join you. The multiverse itself is the greatest challenge to overcome. It needs to end, child. You didn’t see what I see. Didn’t endure what I endured. It’s easy for you to dismiss me…you’ve not felt the sheer, raw, cosmic horror of beholding so many universes at once. It would…break lesser men.”
“Maybe it already did.” Squirt said sadly, looking Sombra over, his eyes quiet and thoughtful. “Maybe you ARE broken and you just don’t realize it.”
“Maybe.” Sombra admitted. “But if there’s even the smallest chance I’m right…I have to take that chance. For the sake of true freedom from imposed fate.”
“I never believed in fate anyway.”
“I didn’t either.” Sombra said, slowly vanishing into the shadows. “And you can see how well THAT turned out, little one.”
With that, he was gone…leaving Squirt behind with shadows and dust as he bit into his lip. He hoped that the Caribou were far away enough now. He hoped the others were alright. And he really, really hoped that Sombra was wrong.
And that what he did…DID matter.
… “I did…all that?”
Nick looked at the screen, staring almost stupidly before he covered his face and breathed in deep. He sighed slowly, shaking his head back and forth before cracking his fingers, readying to write again.
“I need to be more careful.” He muttered. “I guess it was just too easy an out that I gave them. But I hope at least SOMETHING good came from it.” He remarked as an idea began to come to him…and he began to furiously type.
Indeed, within a few days, Discord was stopping at Saddle Arabia, finding Celestia was there with a large group of native Saddle Arabians, all of whom were carefully tending to the bushes and the trees, pouring water on them, harvesting the flowers, making sure the grass stayed green and the waters cool, drinkable and safe. She smiled, turning to Discord as he looked about.
“Why all the help?”
“This kind of place needs constant care.” Celestia said. “Because if you let it slide? If you take your eyes off of it too long, neglect it too much, it’ll rot and die. You have to always be trying to keep it clean, and fresh, and good. Always TRYING.” She insisted, her tone becoming soft, and her eyes becoming far, far away. “This is how it’s almost always going to be for most things. If you’re not always trying, the standards slide. Good gardens require constant upkeep, after all, if you want them to stay beautiful. But I think it’s worth it.”
She knelt down by a bed of flowers, sniffing at it before raising her majestic head back up. “Don’t you?”
“It’ll be hard to try and be everywhere at once.”
“I don’t have to be. Because we ALL will be. More so than we used to.” She said, gesturing at the caretakers around her. “Now would you like to help me tend to the lake? Some idiots have foolishly left picnic trash floating around.”
“…maybe just this one time.” Discord said, taking out a harmonica and playing a little tune, the garbage slowly floating up, up and through the air as Celestia brought out a bag, the two tending to the little garden with their little ponies. Meanwhile, a father gently put a hoof upon his adopted son, overlooking Ponyville as the moon bathed over them softly.
“You’ve done me proud.” Shinedown admitted softly. “That was a brilliant idea, Squirt. Your birth parents don’t know what they were missing, giving you up.”
“…how do you know how to kill?” Squirt finally asked. “You never told me how you got that…hard. And…and cold.”
His adopted father was silent for a long time. Then…
“I…hurt people I thought were hurting others. I didn’t realize they were just slaves to someone even worse. But that doesn’t magically make what I did go away. So I have to keep being good, and doing good, to make up for what I did. It’s like C.S Lewis said. By maintaining our goodness we regain our innocence.” He said, ruffling Squirt’s hair. “And that?”
“That’s the best damn feeling in the world.”
“Nah. I think THIS is.” Squirt said, gently wrapping his arms around his adopted dad, and hugging him tightly.
“You might be right.” Shinedown said, returning the soft hug, and letting the innocence wash over him.
Iggins had took off running for his life to the "Battery Tower" building, the one place he knew he'd be able to get batteries. It was over fifty stories high and had battery-shaped elevators on all sides. Running inside, he headed into the futuristic-looking building and up to a clerk, who was sitting behind a booth shaped like…you guessed it…a battery. She was a dark-haired, pink-sunglasses wearing woman who looked quite bored.
"WHERE ARE THE BATTERIES?!" Iggins begged. "DOUBLE A?!"
"Batteries? 50th floor." She said, jabbing her thumb at an elevator.
Iggins ran into the battery-shaped elevator and struck the button for the fiftieth floor over and over and over and over, panting and squealing like a pig, eyes bugging out more than usual. The elevator button popped out of it's socket and struck his head and the elevator zoomed up at top speed, making Iggins sigh in relief. There was no WAY that creepy Gaz could catch up to him now!
…then the elevator shot past the 50th floor. "AAAAAAAA!" Iggins bawled. Suddenly the door burst open as it reached the top floor and…
There she was! Gaz had somehow climbed up the building and was now glaring at Iggins intently.
"GUAAAAAAH!" Igigns ran back inside, but Gaz followed after him and into the elevator, clenching her fists as Iggins hid in the corner of the elevator.
"Give me the vampire piggies!" She demanded.
"You're CRAZY!" Iggins shouted. "It's MINE! MIIIINE!" He cried out.
Gaz's eyes narrowed. Then she headed over to the elevator keypad and slammed her fist onto it, as a purple light shot out, going through the keypad. Lighting shot out from the keypad and the elevator went into a freefall!
Down and down and down it went! And then…
"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! Take it! It's yours!" Iggins sobbed, holding it up. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" He said, beginning to cry.
Crying? Yep. Crying meant sincerity.
Gaz pressed the emergency stop button and BOOMP!
It stopped at the fiftieth floor! Gaz calmly took the GS2, headed onto the fiftieth floor, then flung the old batteries that had been in the GS2 into the air. She then tossed the GS2 up into the air, then used her other hand to toss some new batteries which landed RIGHT inside the GS2! She calmly held out her hands and caught the GS2 and then…
It stopped raining. A beautiful light shone down around Gaz as a heavenly choir sang. "Ahhh." She said, her hair returning to normal, no longer wet. "The rightful order has been restored." She remarked, smiling happily as she began to play the GS2.
But Iggins just snarled and clenched his fist. "You'll never be a better gamer than me! Play all you want! I'll always be better!"
SNAP! The cord snapped and Iggins vanished with a cry of "ALWAAAAAAYS!"
"Ooh." Gaz shuddered. "...evidently the elevator couldn't handle all that...ah well." She shrugged. "I got my game." She remarked, smirking with delight as she sat down to play her Game Slave 2. She could call the fire department to get her down after beating a few levels...or ten.
But what Gazlene had no idea was that she'd soon be wishing she'd given up the Game Slave.
...Gazlene awoke with a yawn, stretching her arms wide, the purple-haired, amber-eyed little girl nonchalantly making her way towards the bathroom across from her bed, humming the "Poop Dawg" theme as she went to brush her teeth. Splurting out the toothpaste onto the toothbrush, she began brushing before noticing something was...odd. Her security teddy bears that could feed on human flesh were peering right at her. And her Teddy Ruxspin was now lying on her bed.
"...are you malfunctioning?" She asked, putting the toothbrush away and going over to the bed, plucking him up.
"I'm Teddy Ruxspin and I'm gonna do horrible things to you when you're sleeping!" Teddy announced, Gaz staring in shocked surprise, looking down at the stuffed bear with its brown fur, the red longsleeve shirt and white overshirt, and rather glassy, reddish/brown eyes.
Gaz frowned darkly, plucking him up. "I know I programmed you to save that line for when your facial recognition software saw Dib's face, why on Earth are you-"
"I'm Teddy Ruxspin and we didn't care very much for you breaking open our chests and putting your evil in us..." Teddy Ruxspin growled as Gaz's frown began to fade, replaced with a confused look. "...GAZLENE MEMBRANE."
She stared, then tossed the teddy to the side, the other stuffed animals all glowering darkly at her, and speaking in low, dark tones. "Gazleeeeene...Gazleeeene...we want your skin, Gazlene. We want your skin!"
Gazlene swiftly ran out of the bedroom, slamming the door shut, harrumphing. "I'll just find a priest to do an exorcism later." She grunted, shaking her head. "Dib, don't..." She began to say before hesitating, and then saying "You know what, nevermuind!" She called out. "I'm going off to get donuts." The bratty little girl proclaimed, sauntering off and down the hall, out the door.
As she made her way across the front yard, an odd, disturbing clinking noise filled the air. She frowned a bit and made her way to the backyard, following the clinking noise...seeing something was rising up out of the ground...where...
...where the doghouse had once been before it burned down in a lightning strike from a bad, bad storm.
...where their old dog had once been.
"You never fed me, Gazlene." said the bony, skeletal, charred remains of their dog. His black furry flesh had almost utterly rotted away, maggots resting in his eye. Half his jaw was missing, his bones were slightly cracked, and he foully stared upon her, flies encircling his head. "You never, ever fed me. I died so slowly, Gaz...and you will die so slowly too..."
"You don't scare me!" Gazlene insisted, but now she was beginning to become slightly unnerved. First her toys, now her old dog? She saw the chain collar around his neck rise out from the ground, and it snapped in the air like a snake biting at a bird. She cringed a bit, taking a step back, and then bolted down the street, hearing foul, barking laughter ringing through the air.
At the donut store, she waited in line, grunting angrily, tapping her foot against the floor as "Dippin Donuts" customers ordered again and again. "Come on. Get a move on!" She muttered darkly, some of the customers giving her annoyed and slightly irritated and rather odd, staring looks that made her glower furiously back at them, making them cringe. The faintly pale-skinned Gaz made her way towards the front counter, looking at the doughnuts on display underneath. She was the last customer left in line, at long last. "I want a chocolate frosted with sprinkles."
"Sure. 98 cents."
Gaz reached for her wallet, then stiffened...realizing...
She wasn't wearing anything but her pajamas. She'd been in such a hurry to escape the house that she'd forgotten her shirt, her pants, her shoes. Everything!
Including her wallet that laid in said pants.
"Just give it to me." She said angrily. "Do you know who I am?" She demanded, trying to bully her way into getting hold of a delicious baked good, giving the faintly freckled, red-headed cashier behind the register a look.
"Someone who can't pay." The man said, shaking his head as he adjusted the cap on his large skull before heading off to get a coffee made. Gaz grunted, rolling her eyes when she heard a tiny voice speak.
She couldn't believe it. One of the donuts was slightly floating just below the counter. And inches from her hand.
"Who's he to deny you a delicious donut? You're GAZ MEMBRANE. Grab me and run!" It squeaked out, floating in the air. Gaz stared, her mouth agape. It was too perfect for words! She reached out...
Evidently there was a glass casing around it, it was just so well-shined, you almost couldn't tell.
"Heeheeheehee!" The donut evilly giggled, evidently all the donuts seemingly giggling at her as she gazed down, then began walking backwards, then bolted right out of the donut shop. This was too crazy! Far too crazy! Dad. She'd go to Dad's laboratory in town. He had bagels and stuff in the morning, she remembered that from his "take your daughter to work" days. Gazlene raced down the street, bolting down the sidewalk, people looking her up and down, finding her pajama-clad form rather odd. It didn't help that, well...she was wearing gaudy Vampire Piggy pjs that had rather ugly-looking vampire pigs stamped all over.
Professor Membrane's laboratory was a gleaming, glittering structure that towered high into the air, a glistening metal facility of might that looked like a silver eye from on high when viewed from above. Rushing into the front door, Gaz saw her father was speaking to some laboratory assistants as they stood in the main hall, munching on some bagels and muffins as Membrane held up a small muffin of his own.
"My newest invention. Suuuupeeeer Muffiiiiiiins!!!" He proclaimed, holding up the muffin as they examined it, biting into their own normal muffins. "I just need to test them out. I believe they may cause adverse reactions to people who are allergic to gluten and-"
"I can handle it." Gaz said quickly, barreling up to her dad, smirking. "I'll test them out for you, Dad."
"Oh, why, Gazlene! Who knew you'd take such an interest in...REAL SCIENCE!" He proclaimed, dramatically pointing upward before leading his daughter towards a room to the side, which had a sign that read "Testing Room". Sure enough, large stacks of muffins with an odd, faintly pinkish tinge to them laid upon the table in the center of the room, along with a notepad and a pencil. "Just test each flavor of super muffin, and mark down your results, my dear. It would be quite a boon to humanity to know the glory of my 15 flavor supermuffins. Just one step closer to creating the ultimate breakfast buffet!" He proclaimed, sweeping from the room with a WOOSH, the door closing as Gaz approached the table.
She plucked up one of the muffins, unwrapping it and chewing away. "Hmm. Tangy, but robust." She said. "Must be a blueberry." She said, munching on it more and more. "...I don't want to fully eat all of them. I'll just take a few bites of each, that'll do." She remarked. Now, this was rather...wasteful, admittedly. But Gaz didn't care if it meant wasting food, she just wanted some nice muffins. Besides, she didn't even like poppy seed muffins.
As she began chewing on a raisin muffin, shrugging at its taste, she failed to notice the other muffins were slowly rising up, up from the table, and circling overhead like vultures. Gaz chewed away on the raisin muffin for a little while longer, humming a bit before turning around...
Eyes going wide.
"You want some muffins?" said an unearthly, foul voice as the muffins all unwrapped themselves. "Well. TAKE IT! TAKE IT ALL! It's what you want, isn't it?! Just everything, all for you!"
And with that, a corn muffin forced itself into her mouth! She coughed and spluttered, hacking madly, trying to spit it back out, but the entire thing was forced clean on down her throat, and into her stomach. "What the...how in the hell?!"
GLA-GLOMPGH! Now a banana nut muffin was being forced into her jaws! She tried to pull it out, but it felt like a gigantic metal rod was holding it in and forcing it down her throat! And then came a corn muffin! And then a chocolate chip muffin! And then a POPPY SEED!
"You fiieeeeeennnd!" She cried out in between forced gasps for air, flopping onto the floor, her belly slightly bulging and bloated, sweat dripping from her brow as she quivered and shook. She tried in vain to crawl for the door only for ANOTHER muffin to be forced down her throat. And another...and another! AND ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER!...
...Gazlene moaned as she laid in her hospital bed, her stomach getting pumped, as a nurse stood over her, looking at her clipboard. "Now, I've good news, sweetie." She insisted to Gaz, who let out a very long, sad, groaning moan of agony. "You've got some visitors to see you."
"Oh, visitors!" Gaz managed to mumble out as the nurse left the room. "Friends? Oh, good. Good! Nothing better to lift the spirits of man in a physical crisis than a show of loyalty from his companions!"
Then Gaz's smile faded, seeing Dib and GIR the robot in the doorway, the little guy dressed in his big, fake green dog attire with the adorable fake pink tongue and big ol' eyes as they walked up to her bed, Dib holding up a nice tolberone candy, and GIR holding some dandelions in a vase.
"...you're it." Gaz mumbled out, blinking stupidly.
"Dad's in talks to do a new reboot of "Cosmos", he thinks he'd be really good at it." Dib remarked.
"I picked these for you!" GIR said with a delighted smile, putting the flowers next to her bed. But then the vase plopped the flowers out onto the floor, and BANGED over Gaz's head with loud, coconut-sounding THWOK-THWOK-THWOK noises that made the two stare, Gaz giving them a deep, long-suffering sigh.
"I'm being haunted." She realized aloud. "Dib, you're the freaky deeky paranormal expert. Do something! YOU do the exorcism!"
"Um...okay, uh...I'm going to need a great big cross, though."
"That'll be a problem. All of them burst into flames when I'm in the same room." Gaz mumbled quietly, looking at the charred remains of the one that had been up on the wall not too far away...until she' been laid down in the bed.
"What have you done lately that could lead a ghost to haunt you?" Dib asked as GIR tried to put the dandelions back in the vase. Instead, he just got hovered around the room as it swept about...and then the vase deliberately smacked GIR into Gaz's head, making it bounce about over and over.
"GEE. I. DON'T. KNOW." She said in between bounces and gritted teeth as Dib scratched his head, and then asked a question that made Gaz stiffen up, and the vase cease its bonking.
"What about Iggins? He went missing two days ago and I know you two were in a fight..."
Gaz's eyes widened. Could it be?
"Of course. Of course! It's IGGINS!" She proclaimed, eyes widening even more with every passing moment as she turned to look at the vase, Dib and GIR staring. The vase dropped down, and there, floating in the air...
Was Iggins, ghostly, pale, translucent and transparent and faintly shining as he evilly smirked at her, his reddish hair flopping about atop his large head as he smirked at her. "So, figured it out, huh? Yep, it's me! And I'm going to haunt you until the end of time, Gaz! Serves you right for killing me!"
"I can handle your mild inconveniences. Now that I know it's you, I'll figure something out." Gaz growled back.
"Maybe." Iggins remarked. "...or I could take control of the toilet the next time you're sitting down on it. Or the shower the next time you want to wash off..." Gaz's face began to become paler and paler. "Or the oven for whenever you want something cooked...and of course, you'll never, ever get a good night's sleep in your room. Not with all those easy-to-take-over killer toys...and maybe I'll take over your Game Slave 2! Yes, you'll never be able to know the secret to level 83 when I'm the ghost in your machine!" Iggins laughed in delight, Gaz now sitting urgently up in her bed, pulling Dib close and shaking him.
"For the love of all things holy! GET RID OF HIM!" Gaz begged.
"Gaz, only you can do that. You need to put his soul at ease." Dib insisted, wiping his nervous brow. "He's haunting you for a reason, I can clearly tell. Just do what he wants to put his soul at rest."
Gaz turned even paler than before. Milky, chalky white, her eyes bulging. She knew what Iggins wanted, but it was too...too AWFUL to think of. But to have to endure week after week of being afraid of her toilet? Her video games? To endure Iggins forever and ever?
"...fine. It'll be like ripping off a bandaid." She mumbled, letting go of Dib and covering her face. "Iggins?"
Iggins raised an eyebrow up, folding his arms over his chest.
"...you're...a better gamer...than me." Gaz mumbled.
"Now do the special song all gaming losers must sing!"
"...I got a terrible voice..."
"SING!" Iggins proclaimed.
"...Iggins is a Super Mario Lord, doo-daaah...doo-daaaaah. Iggins is a Super Mario Lord, because he plays all daaaaaay." Gaz mumbled out, covering her face even more, moaning in aggravation as Iggins cheekily grinned.
"Perfect." Iggins said, a blissful expression coming over his face as he slowly rose up, up, into the heavens, up through the roof as a Heavenly choir filled the air, soft light bathing down around his form as his voice faded away. "Music to my eaaaaars."
"Phew." Dib said, wiping his brow again as he helped GIR up. "Well, thank goodness its all over!"
"Yeah. Thank goodness." Gaz grunted, rolling her eyes as the two left the room and she flopped back into her bed. Thank goodness it was over, she thought, slowly closing her eyes. Thank goodness it was over...aaaaall over...
A moment later, the bed began to shake and shimmer and quake, and she glanced about, eyes widening. No way. NO WAY. Iggins was gone! He was gone!
"C'mon, Iggins, what more do you want?!" Gaz demanded angrily, eyes narrowing...until more pale, foul, ghostly forms slid out from underneath the bed. A dead dog, an aggravated looking pair of janitors, a familiar-looking irritated secretary, furious looking four year old, and...her mom?! "Wait...that...that wasn't Iggins in the backyard?!"
"Oh no, Gaz." said ol Scruffy, their former terrier with a dark grin. "I just decided to let Iggins do his thing, but now that he's finally gone, well..."
"Wh-who's your friends?" She squeaked out.
"Meet the two janitors who died when you dropped that elevator down the battery tower, and the secretary on the first floor who choked to death from the dust of the impact, that little kid who you tossed a LEGO block so hard at it got lodged in his brain and he had to have surgery..."
"I died on the table!" The little sandy-haired tyke growled furiously, clenching his tiny fists. "All cuz you were mad I wouldn't share!"
"And, of course, your mother, who died due to the complications of your birth just fifteen minutes after your brother came out because you wouldn't stop kicking."
"Sweetie...I'm very...very dissapointed in you." Gazlene's mother Peg remarked. "Disappointed...to death!"
"...oh fuck meeeee!" Gaz moaned aloud, realizing her nightmare was really only just beginning.
Now. What’s wrong with this? Simple. THUNDERCATS 2011 DIDNT SHUT DOWN BECAUSE NOBODY WATCHED IT.
It got canceled because of the same reason Tower Prep and Young Justice and Green Lantern and other CN shows died. Lack of toy sales! YES. That old rotten reason for killing creative and DECENT shows!
Don’t believe me? Here’s the series creator at Power-Con 2013 explaining it: “When we learned that Cartoon Network wouldn’t be renewing the “ThunderCats” reboot for a second season, it came as a shock. The show, which was both highly-anticipated prior to launch and a success in its somewhat odd Friday night timeslot, nonetheless couldn’t move toys for parent company Bandai, leading ultimately to its cancellation.” And lest you think I'm just pulling this out my big, fat behind?
So all those going "it just didn't get watched" is just wrong about this. It wasn’t a matter of ratings or nobody watching it. It didn’t move enough toys. I'm so sick of this BS "well nobody watched it" excuse. And the "ratings" thing isn't even accurate. ThunderCats premiered on July 29, 2011 and attained a rating of 0.8, with over 2.4 million viewers. The highest rated show for that night received a 1.1, which makes the ThunderCats' 0.8 quite a successful showing. And it got very good reviews, too! And apparently was in the top ten for Neilsen shows among the 18-49 demo. tvbythenumbers.zap2it.com/sdsd… So that's not bad at all. Especially since animated shows don't quite bring in the numbers that live action shows do.
I can't believe these guys didn't do basic research. I found all this in a five minute google search. And BTW...I've seen the trailer. I don't really like this rebooting trend, of taking mostly pure action shows with some light comedic elements and making them heavy on the humor with not much action. It's an annoying, overplayed trend to me, and the animation style doesn't look very good compared with what came before. I will give it a chance when it comes out...but I don't think I'll like it. Now, when STEVEN UNIVERSE came out...I didn't think I'd like it. The first episode and the trailers didn't inspire confidence, but I soon changed my mind the more I watched. Maybe Roar will do the same.
But either way...Moviebob, Egoraptor, they're dead wrong about why Thundercats 2011 got canceled. Just had to say it.
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