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You don't have to read this. I'm sort of just doing this as a journal type of thing. I like this site to organize my thoughts and ideas so I suppose I can dairy my thoughts here as well; I dont like Tumblr so this will have to do.  So sorry if this pops up in your feed this is just for my own personal catharsis.  

I wish people would stop asking me why I study Japanese. I get it, I really do, I'm a foreign student living in Japan so of course every asks me this question. I'm not mad you ask me. It's not overly personal, it's not invasive and it couldn't possibly considered rude, even by the trigger-happy SJW.  I dont like being asked because I dont know the answer. More specifically, I dont like being reminded that I dont know the answer.  The answer is so flat and boring, automatically rolling off my tongue every time that I'm asked, because its simply programmed into me at this point. After all, I needed SOMETHING to write about for those study abroad application. "sannensei no toki, nihon o benkyoushimashita. Omoshirokatta to omotta node, nihongo o benkyoushitakatta kedo, boku no chuugoku to koukou ha nihongo no jyuugyou ga nakatta."

Whatever. It's a lie. A good answer when you know that nobody wants to hear " I likez teh animes and mangas herp derp".  I do of course, but that is not the reason either. I like studying the language but the thought of the end goal makes me a lot more happier than continuously studying, which the process itself is just mildly interesting. My interest with Japan started before I experienced any Japanese entertainment. I just dont remember why.  I chased the opportunity to study it for so long and my life long, biggest dream was to get here. Well, here I am. And I fucking love it, even though I cant remember why I wanted to come here. Why do I love it? Well that question is almost as hard.

I dont like American people.  That much I know for certain. I do like anime and manga obviously. But I can read that shit in English. Reading it in a foreign language doesn't enhance it, and even if it does, not enough to make all the effort worthy.  Another non-reason I'm studying Japanese.  Japanese culture? Meh most parts are ok, some parts are cool, some parts are shit, like any culture really.  So not a reason to love being here.  The people?  Noooooo.  The two main groups of people are the ones who dont want anything to do with you because you are different and the others just want to use you for English. Yes, use you, but I'm not going to get into that now. Not everyone fits into these molds but they are few and far between honestly.  Most of my friends are the other ryuugakusei and for the most part it isn't even a bond over Japan type things, although language study is obviously a bonding commonality. 

So what do I like here, enough to want to teach here, even though before coming here I've always been adamantly against never teaching? It's a very pretty place. Oceans, mountains, hot springs, not to mention cheap tasty food, pretty cool fashion, and how a big city is only a short train ride away in any direction (from where I live).  I like the escape from my own bullshit back in good ol' 'Murica.  Whoever said running away from your problems doesn't help must have only suffered from internal problems.  Honestly I'd probably like anywhere else, any other language just as much at this point.  But then my dream and goals are worthless.  I wonder at which point I forgot why I wanted this, and where it became a burning, all consuming desire.

So I wish people would stop asking me why I study Japanese. I dont like being reminded that I dont know why.  It makes me want to give up. Give up and pursue a new dream?  Nahhh. I hope each and everyday that I find my new passion, something Japan related that gives me purpose.  Or as long as I'm not reminded that I don't know.  What's the point of putting so much effort into something for no reason?
So I was watching some shitty slice of life anime, and I ended up thinking about my high school experience and how that would be a really good shitty slice of life anime.  Well I'm not an animator, and I'm playing around with debut novel ideas so this will be the next project I'll be working on.  So many people in my life, including myself, are such caricatures of insanity that I have no idea if this will be interesting or relatable to anyone, but high school drama certainly is an interesting genre that I never thought I'd tackle.  Unlike the stereotypes thrown at you in anime, I don't need to exaggerate this story to be interesting, which is either a good thing, or horrible in retrospect.

So yeah, this will be a new project, a semi-autobiographical tale tentatively titled "Dramas of a High School Sociopath".  Names have been changed to protect the innocent, AKA my own ass from drownig in all the troof tea imma bout to spill.
I'm leaving this here to remind myself what I have planned to do, so that I definitely will do it.  A few weeks back, I became overwhelmed with the feeling that I've been wasting my life doing nothing. I've severely limited my gaming time, and I'm pretty much forcing myself to write at least an hour everyday. I definitely plan to keep that up. I'm pretty good at beating myself over the insignificant things to force change. I'll never forget how I felt that one night.  I've started exercising again, and even posting some of my writings here again. It's been hard since moving to Japan and studying the language constantly, while living little sleep each and every night. But I'm happy to get out those songs/poems.

However, I do not plan for my writing focus to be on songs and poems anymore. I WILL be a fantasy novelist, I WILL help write dialogues and plots and world-build for video games.  However, I'm not ready. I notice most writers know how their entire story will go before its finished. Me? Half of the fun is deciding as I go what path I want to take and write what I feel will be the best path. I simply cannot create an entire story and then fill in the details as I produce the final form.  I'm definitely afraid that it's an unproductive way of writing.  And so, I've decided to focus this year on my Pokemon fanfic.  I think writing about something I love while creating my own characters and plot will be a good practice. I simply cannot pour everything I have into my debut novel I'm planning because I just cant bring myself to create something that might be bad because I'm an amateur. I'd rather wait to build my abilities, and seek feedback on other fun-works before delving into that.  No, the Pokemon facfic wont be posted here, but on my other deviantart which I've intentionally kept separate from this. I still plan on writing my songs and poems too, because it's an excellent way for me to document and vent my feelings. 

Considering I planned these goals weeks ago, I'm not weakening the resolve by calling it a New Year's resolution; however, I'm going to use 2016 as a scale to gauge my work and improvements over time.
I saw Tamashii and RenaeCollects do this on YouTube and it looked fun so I borrowed it.  Apparently it started as a dA tag so I guess it fits here.

1. What is your favorite Pokemon Type? 
For most of my life it was the water type; however, when Gen 6 came out it changed to fire, although water is a close second!

2. What is your favorite region?
Hoenn.  Sapphire was the first game I played through all the way so a lot is nostalgia.

3. Which Pokemon games do you own?
All of the main series games since Ruby and Sapphire except Soul Silver, Yellow, XD Gale of Darkness, Mystery Dungeon: blue, darkness, and time, the original Ranger, and I think that's it.

4. In the games, which gender do you normally play as?
Male because I am one, except I play female in RSE because May is my favorite Pokemon character.

5. Do you watch the anime?
Only up to mid-Sinnoh.

6. How many seen in the PokeDex of your latest game?
Dont know about ORAS but I completed the dex in Y.

7. In that game, how many owned in the PokeDex?
I completed the Dex

8. Do you even like Pokemon?
Fuck no, its for children.

9. Do you collect the trading cards?
No, but I dont plan on getting rid of the ones I own.

10. If you have the trading cards, do you play the game or just collect?
Collect I guess.

11. Do you draw Pokemon?
Not regularly but I do some official artwork alterations occasionally.

12. What is your favorite Pokemon?
Kyogre. Sapphire was the first game I played through, water was my favorite, it was the first Pokemon I raised to level 100, and it looks awesome of course.

13. What is your second favorite?
A tie between Espeon and Ursaring. When I was a kid I only played solo runs with the starters so when I played XD Gale of Darkness and it was all double battles I had to use two. Teddiursa was the first shadow Pokemon I caught, and I picked Espeon because I never had one before. I bonded with those two more than I ever had with any other Pokemon save Kyogre.

14. What is your favorite legendary?
Besides Kyogre, I like Cresselia. Should be Fairy, Psychic/Fairy, or Fairy/Ice though.

15. What is your second favorite?
Third favorite would be Victini, since its my favorite Choice Scarf user competitively.

16. Do you know what number 493 in the national dex is?
Arceus.

17. Would you rather have a Meowth or a Growlithe?
A talking Meowth would be cool but I'd have to go with Growlithe if it couldnt talk. 

18. Do any of your relatives play Pokemon?
My cousin.

19. How often do you think about Pokemon?
Too much.

20. Do you hide the fact that you like Pokemon from your real life friends?
No, I'll embarrass myself by not filtering how much I really know about the franchise, which gets some laughs. 

21. What pets do you have that resemble Pokemon?
I have this giant whale that resembles Kyogre and a purple cat that resembles Espeon.

22. What Pokemon do you hate the most?
Graveler. My introduction to the franchise was my cousin saying I could borrow his Blue if I leveled his Graveler into a Golem. He wasnt trying to troll me, but grinded a level 36 Graveler to level 62 in Rock Tunnel without Flash for a very very long time.

23. Which Eeveelution do you like the best?
I'll just rank them: Espeon>Glaceon>Umbreon> Sylveon=Leafeon> Jolteon=Vaporeon> Flareon.  I love them all, but IMO the original 3 dont have the best artwork. Also Eevee isnt an eeveelution, sue me :P

24. Which Castform forme is the best?
The original because it has testicles. 

25. Which Deoxys forme is the best?
Speed.

26. Articuno, Zapdos, or Moltres?
Articuno, at one point it was one of my favorite Pokemon. It's the weakest thought. :(

27. Lugia or Ho-Oh?
Ho-Oh. At one point (RSE FR LG)it was the only non event legendary I didnt have so I really wanted one.  Also it keeps things fabulous with its rainbow.  Lugia pisses me off because it should be Water/Psychic or at least Water/Flying.

28. Which two people will you tag?
:iconzenakuu: and :iconamburum:
This is just a personal update and positive vent (I feel like when most people say "vent" they're talking about something negative, so I don't know an appropriate word to use instead).  I figured this would be a good place to post since most people who come across this don't know me and I just wanted to talk to my computer.
        The past five weeks here at my University have been incomparably the best in my life.  It feels like I've been here forever, but at the same time, time has just flown by. Every single day I wake up excited; and each day, I am never disappointed because every single moment thus far has been cherishable and I wouldn't trade it for anything.  It's done wonders for my mental health and personality getting out of my awful home and deadbeat town.  My social anxiety has somehow disappeared and what the hell is a depression now?  I feel blessed to know that these conditions that have plagued me for so many of my recent years were a product of the environment that I was in, and not a prediagnozed innate condition that I'll have for the rest of my life (my heart goes out to those who do, being at the same point once, I understand the struggle all too well).  I thought for so long that I was introverted, and while I still liked people, I preferred to be alone.  It couldn't have been further from the truth.  I realize I love being around people, and everyone that I've been in contact with, friends or passerbys, have been such a positive presence.  I still need my alone time - who doesn't- but I find myself wanting to be alone less often and for smaller amounts of time.
       If I were to tell myself I'd be like, become a full-blown extrovert overnight?  I realize now that not everybody is going to judge me as harshly as I judge myself sometimes, and that striking up conversations with strangers can lead to more than just a pleasant conversation, which is already better than being alone.  I'm no longer afraid to go out and meet knew people, and if I get nervous for whatever reason now, that fear is slight and does not stop me from doing what I want to do.  But honestly, the most social fear I've felt so far is butterflies I feel right before I conquer my fear.
        The event that shined a light on me and allowed me to realized how much I changed happened yesterday.  For so long, my greatest fear was singing in public or even singing around anybody.  For so long I fought off urges to sing in general just because it seemed scary.  But yesterday, two clubs I'm in here, the Pokemon Club and Anime Club, had a joint karaoke event.  I went to be social but I didn't plan on doing anything because I was afraid to.  Thankfully, my friend convinced me to do a duet and we sang Hello Kitty by Avril Lavigne.  Since we were surrounded by fellow otaku/weeaboo, of course everybody either loved or hated the fact that we chose that song, which made it even more the worthwhile. Next time, I know I'll be able to do something by myself effortlessly, and I cant wait until the next karaoke event next month (unfortunately I probably wont be allowed to rap "My Neck, My Back" by Khia but that's ok).
        So yeah, whenever I'm feeling trapped or helpless (a.k.a. pretty much as soon as I return for breaks) I just have to remember it's just temporary and it'll back to normal soon.  Because now I have proof that the pain won't last forever and that the real me is the one here, not the person trapped back in the place I had no other option but to call home.  I gotta say, it's a great feeling knowing who I really am and what my personality truly is now.  I'm not even upset that it took me this long or that I wasted most of my life up until this point not knowing.  I'm just too happy and grateful to be trapped in the past anymore.
"if you don't say happy birthday to someone on there birthday it's like saying you don't care that they were born."
:iconamburum: tagged me so i thought id do it since these are a lot of fun to read usually.

Rules:
1. You must post these rules.
2. Each person has to share 10 facts about themselves.
3. Answer the 10 questions asked by the person who tagged you and make up 10 questions for the 10 you tag.
4. Choose 10 people and put their icons in your journal.
5. Not something like "You are tagged if you read that".
6. I don't follow your rules so I changed Rule 6.

Facts:
1. It is waaay too late at night but I won't go to bed for at least another 3 hours.
2. I'm watching the Pokemon anime while I type this.
3. I hate my deviantart username.  (if I could change it I honestly don't know what I would change it to).
4. People tell me I'm overly argumentative and that I like to win.  (They are wrong; I like to see other people lose).
5. I'm wearing my ex's necklace right now because I think of it as a token of his heart that I destroyed when he turned into a douche.
6. Sometimes I fake being a Satanist to piss people off.
7.  I'm friends with like five people on facebook just to read the stupid shit they say.
8. I'm kinda an asshole but I go out of my way to treat my friends and other people I care about well. 
9. I just learned how to link icons with this journal.
10. My favorite flavor of Popsicle is cotton candy.

Questions from :iconamburum:
1. Do you suck at coming up with questions? (LOL cause I do... >->)
Nope, I actually like it, but I have literally no one to tag so I'm not going to.

2. What's your biggest fear/phobia?
Idk what my biggest is, but my most unique one is a fear of eyeballs.  I can look at people just fine, but any gore involving eyeballs, people turning them back into their head, things getting stuck in the eye, red eyes where the white is supposed to be etc, scares the absolute shit out of me.  

3. Why is that your phobia? (Any particular event that started or caused it? Made it worse? etc.)
Not particularly, it's the only type of gore I cant handle.  I just think they are gross.  A funny event though, is when I accidentally saw a .GIF of a needle being shoved into an eyeball, I fell to the ground screaming.  It still makes me cringe.

4. Are you a cat or dog person?
DOGE!!!!! I hate most cats. 

5. Are you a morning person?
HAHAHAHAHA FUUUUUUUKKKK NO.

6. Which one of the Seven Deadly Sins (Sloth, Envy, Greed. Gluttony, Lust, Wrath, Pride) are you?
Wrath and Pride (In other words, if you fuck with me, I'll get very pissed)

7. What's your favorite element? (ex. Fire, Water, Earth, etc.)
All of my life, the answer would have been water.  Calm, relaxing, overpowering, beautiful, and just the fact that I feel so relaxed while in water.  But it is now my second favorite, as of this year.  I've changed a lot this year, for the better.  I've learned not to give a fuck about what others have to say and that those who go after me or the ones are care about are worthless.  Now my favorite is fire, a beautiful, flickering, warmth that is comforting and acts as a guide and protection.  But when controlled-or perhaps not controlled at all- it can turn into a blazing inferno of hatred that will leave nobody remaining. 

8. What's your favorite dog breed?
Yellow Lab.

9. Favorite pet you've ever owned?
My baby Dukey/Duke.  He was a german short haired pointer, who was the same age as me.  He died at age 13 RIP in peace.

10. Longest on-going friendship?
One of my best friends :iconjtboomer: (not active) has been one of my best fwaands for the best 12-13 years. I'm 18 so that's pretty good!


not tagging anyone
"The Coin" MASSIVE UPDATE! im extremely stupid and didnt notice until now that i left out the 9th and 10th lines of the stupid thing when uploaded (i didnt copy/paste because the original was handwritten).  its in there now and im writing them below as well:

"Some will give up and fold with their life.
Others keep trying and pull through the strife."
I love seeing the stupid, immature silly, call me maybe parody right next to the most serious and emmotional piece ive ever written, Martyr.  it really shows variety lol. the only thing they both have in common is that they both are from a female perspective :/  (well the CMM parody is supposed to be carly rae jepsen)
Yeah! summer! well that means more photos to take and im still gonna upload some old ones too.
Illl be in Kenya Thurday but im leaving tommorow!!  i promise when i get back ill upload so many photos deviantArt crashes!  Its gonna be so fun and interesting, i cant wait to get so many pictures!
just one more week til my 18 day trip to africa.  everybody spam views on my page so when i get back and upload lots of pictures that i wont have more deviations then page views XD.   But yea ill have to also find out if its illegal there to upload pics of other people without their permission, not that i wouldnt ask just they all dont speak english.  and of course ill have my ususal type of pictures.
Not a great day for photos at the *Catskills today.  ill upload the few i got whenever i wake up. /yawn
So tommorow im going to the Aderondec mountains.  I gotta get up at 6 tommorow :( but itll be worth it for all the pictures.  Ill post whatever i take soon
Happy 4th of July! pictures to come :D
Aight so when i update it is less frequent but lots of photos. First deviations come today? (hopefully)