RubyRedOrca

Hey guys, long time no journal, and a lot has happened since I wrote my last one around a year ago (Jesus). Figured I'd talk about where I am in life right now and just things on my mind.

For starters, I'm not a student anymore, I graduated in the beginning of May with a BFA in graphic design. On one hand I'm happy that I don't have to worry about homework or professors anymore, but on the other I'll definitely miss seeing my friends almost everyday and having my own place to stay.

The thing I'll really miss most of all, however, is a sense of confidence in knowing that I'll be okay in the future when I need to get a job and not having to worry about being completely alone because of my parents.

Right now I'm freelancing at my old job doing design work, but only when they need me, so I'm working less than part time. I've been sending out multiple resumes, but nothing, and it hasn't been that long since I graduated to really give up, but I'm not going to lie, it's really discouraging and each passing day I don't hear back from companies I get anxious as hell about if I'll be okay financially in the future.

My perspective on my own art has also greatly shifted since I started on here. I remember being like 15, two years after making my account, and having a very positive mindset of "I may not be the best artist now, but if I just keep going I'll eventually get tons of people to love my work and support me!" Well I'm now 21, almost 22, and... I really don't feel like my art is good enough for most people, if I'm being honest. I see so many talented people on the social media sites I'm on, and their art is wonderful to look at, and whenever I draw I just don't feel like I have what it takes to be on their level or will ever get there. Have I improved since I started on here? Yes, I won't lie, but I feel like someone my age should be better. It doesn't help when your depression is also kicking your ass while your anxiety watches, and despite the anti depressants and reassurance from people I don't feel like I'm as talented and I hate it. I'm trying to keep drawing and tell myself that it doesn't matter if other people don't like it much, but at some point I feel like there's no point in showing people sometimes.

Whenever I get sad over this stuff like in the last paragraph, I also end up thinking about someone who used to be my friend and how toxic they were and how I don't want to end up like them. Basically, they used me as an emotional cum rag, for lack of a better comparison, and were constantly negative and complained how no one appreciated their work, even though when they were new to Instagram they gained more followers in a short amount of time than I have now when I've been on for years (I'm not complaining about my follower count, I'm just saying). I don't like telling people how I feel about my art when it comes to this because I don't want to feel like I'm like them or be comparable to them.

I don't want to give up on drawing by the way, that's not what I ever want. I just want to somehow find a way to have fun doing it again and not worry so much about validation. I know if I truly gave up then I'd hurt my parents, and I don't want that.

Speaking of them, they're moving to NC in less than a year, so that's another thing I'm worried about. My friends and I are planning on moving together into an apartment eventually, and I'm all for it, but on the other hand my parents who have been my support system for me emotionally are going to go away, and I'm worried without some sort of "authority" figure(s) watching me I'll do something harmful to myself. I didn't do it in college when I lived alone, but they were just a drive away. 

I'm almost 22, and I feel like I've run out of time, in a way. I know that really isn't the case, but everything is just really difficult. I'm so unsure of my future and how successful I'll even be. I don't want fame anymore like I did when I was a kid when it came to art and stuff, I just want to make enough money to live a decent life. Hell, I don't even know if I'll even be in a relationship one day anymore. I always have a falling out with people I date and it never works out, so I feel like maybe that's God or someone telling me to just focus on work and that's it. I would still love a girlfriend one day obviously, but it seems so impossible and with everything else going on, I feel like I'd only end up hurting her like I do with everyone else so why bother. I'm too tired all the time to properly give myself to someone right now anyway.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to change myself to become successful, like as if my interests are making people look at me funny. I have a poliwag doll named Maxwell I carry around in a backpack when I go out with my friends and when I'm going out (I leave him in the car most of the time when I go out and only bring him out when it's in front of people who don't judge me). He's pretty much my comfort object and he just makes me feel safe. Lately I've also been taking care of Tamagotchis again and I feel like people secretly judge me even if they say they don't care.

I hope by the next time I write another journal, I'll be in a different place in my life. I hope I'll be able to afford to live properly and that I won't worry about being lonely and other stuff.

Sorry for the depressing journal, I haven't been good lately.

Hey everyone!

Sorry for the lack of art lately, same old excuses, I know.

HOWEVER, I am working on something I think you'll like:


(small preview only for now)

I'm making deodorant-themed badges! I'm not quite ready to show them off just yet, as I'm still making more examples, but I am excited to unveil this since it's such a unique idea.

Aside from myself, the idea was mainly from my friend/fursuit maker Zodie (who will receive links to their sites n stuff once I actually post the commission info for these).

Let me know what you guys think! I'm excited

I'm supposed to be finishing a long ass essay for my online class due tomorrow so you know what that means: JOURNAL TIME!

Yeah, it's summer for me and I've been busy with my internship and other crap so that's fun. Lmao.

This Saturday I'm turning 21 though so that's fun cuz now I can drink legally... Although that wasn't stopping me so I guess it's not a big deal lol. Maybe people will take me more seriously? Idk.

As for art, I've been very tired and unmotivated to do much, unfortunately. I feel kind of bad that my pieces for a loooong time haven't been that great but hey, what can you do I guess.

I'm selling artwork at Supercon again next month though, and I'm going to Megaplex in August so that's fun.