Inktober 2018 - Day 18

CHALMERS: Well, Seymour, I made it... despite your directions.

SKINNER: Ah, Superintendent Chalmers! Welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!

CHALMERS: Uhh...

SKINNER: [gasp] Oh egads, my roast is ruined! But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? [to himself] Oh ho ho ho ho... delightfully devilish, Seymour!

CHALMERS: Uh-

[cue song]

Skinner with his crazy explanations,
The superintendent's gonna need his medication,
When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations,
There'll be trouble in town tonight!

[end of song]

CHALMERS: Seymour!

SKINNER: Superintendent, I was just, uh... just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?

CHALMERS: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?

SKINNER: Uhh... no! That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having! Mmm... steamed clams! [beat] Ooh...

[a few moments later]

SKINNER: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers!

CHALMERS: I thought we were having steamed clams.

SKINNER: D'oh, no. I said steamed hams! That's what I call hamburgers!

CHALMERS: You call hamburgers "steamed hams?"

SKINNER: Yes. It's a regional dialect!

CHALMERS: Uh-huh... uh, what region?

SKINNER: Uhh... upstate New York?

CHALMERS: Really? Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams."

SKINNER: Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression.

CHALMERS: I see. [beat] You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.

SKINNER: Oh ho ho ho... no, patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe.

CHALMERS: For steamed hams?

SKINNER: Yes.

CHALMERS: Yeah, so you call them "steamed hams" despite the fact they are obviously grilled.

SKINNER: Ye- hey- you know, the- one thing I should- excuse me for one second.

CHALMERS: Of course.

SKINNER: [YAWN] Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all, I'm pooped.

CHALMERS: Yes, I should be- Good Lord, what is happening in there!?

SKINNER: Aurora borealis?

CHALMERS: Uh- aurora borealis!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen!?

SKINNER: Yes!

CHALMERS: May I see it?

SKINNER: No.

SKINNER'S MOTHER: Seymour, the house is on fire!

SKINNER: No, mother—it's just the northern lights!

CHALMERS: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say... you steam a good ham.

SKINNER'S MOTHER: Help! Help!