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Shadows lost to mine
Eyes invisible to the light
Harvester of moons and distant worlds
Keeper of the diamond mire
Caught out in God's device and design
Soul salvation Swallowed by the night
It was written in a dream
I learned from an early age that love meant sacrifice. Love meant that you had to give up much of what you are to be with someone who made you more than what you were. If done right, it means everything to two people. But it’s hard, really hard. I’ve been building myself since before I even knew what a “self” was. I built all these defenses to not get hurt. I built all these pathways to know how to always feel good and all the ways to instantly crash and feel sorry for myself. I made a home inside myself, wiring it with superstitions and poetry, insulating my home against insecurity. So, to break all these layers to let someone in, is not something that is done consciously. Loving someone is to let them slip in. Or break in. Depending on how one falls in love. But, but, but, there’s a need of mine to follow. Not just anything or anyone. But the right thing. And the right time. And the right one. So, when you looked over and asked me to tell you something, I couldn’t
There are piles, never rows, but piles and piles of books surrounding restless people, ambling in serpentine manner heads bowed hands hovering, to cop a feel of other worlds. I, another ambler, touch each stack leaving traces of myself on their binds, grounding myself in the somatic sense of miracles. There exists now an intermission of bargain and barter and the journey home with precious spoils gathered. My home now carries a cluster of miracles I stack vertically never horizontally to commemorate their cradle.
There’s a cloud mushrooming in my head as it rains weeps seeps from my eyes. Possession is nine-tenths of everything and I’m caught within as it bursts past the confines of my mind, surrounding my space in grey, playing keep-away with my strength of will. Grey fades to black as I defer to detach and dead options, once again, become viable. I will win I will win Tell me that someday I will win.