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Steampunk Portal: The Gentry Turret



The Aperture Institute of Natural Philosophy presents its NEW PRODUCT of ASTOUNDING significance.

Utilising the latest in house defence mechanisms, the patented 'GENTRY TURRET' dispatches unwanted house guests with the height of efficacy and manners. Its superior workmanship conceals 18 miniature pistols within a splendid mahogany adorned bronze shell, designed to sit magnificently alongside your own excellent furnishings.

Delight your fellow gentlemen and gentlewomen with the GENTRY TURRET's operatic mode, producing REAL MUSIC, as if an orchestra were performing in your sitting room! The GENTRY TURRET is also perfect for child-minding, teaching children the many virtues of sitting perfectly still and making absolutely no noise.

With true Victorian values, the GENTRY TURRET is fitted with a STATE OF THE ART miniature gram-a-phone, dispensing appropriate warnings and pleasantries, including...

“Greetings on this fine day”
“I have found your presence to be disagreeable”
“Your untowards advances have been recognised”
“How fortuitous that you have made your visage apparent”
“Please allow me to present you with these bullets”
“May I inquire as to your health?”

The GENTRY TURRET is available in a variety of colours, including arsenic green and lead white, and comes with with a FREE bonnet and leg cover, to avoid the impropriety of showing its ankles. Mail-order yours today!


So yes, I'm reviving the steampunk Portal series I started two years ago, this time with the wonderful sentry turrets. I'd forgotten just how much FUN coming up with the writing to go along with them was! More to come.

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Lucas-Stl's avatar

Oh I can just imagine a defective turret and a gangster turret from Portal: Mel