rimshotplz

It's easy to stop ladies from eating Tide Pods, but it's harder to deter gents.

I pray on Sundays. ...for the wicked, that is.

Man goes to a planetarium and he hated every bit of it. He said there was too much space.

Okay so, there were these two guys in an insane asylum… and one night, they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more – they decide they’re going to escape!
So they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light… stretching away to freedom.

Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem… but his friend didn’t dare make the leap.  See, he’s afraid of falling.  So then, the first guy has an idea…
He says, “Hey!  I have my flashlight with me… so I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings.  You can walk along the beam and join me!”
But the second guy just shakes his head and he says, “What do you think I am?  Crazy?  You’ll just turn it off when I'm half way across!”