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RikaRoxwood

only draws pretty things :P
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Comments

Like I said before, a twist is when something that happened in an unpredictable manner.

Applying some twists need creativity: and this means more brainstorming, more inspirations, and more experimenting.  Unfortunately this is something I couldn't help you with because I have troubles explaining this kind of stuff. However there are plenty of resources out there by just using google search and here are some decent ones:

writeitsideways.com/5-tips-for…

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_…

blog.janicehardy.com/2010/03/e…

There are plenty of good articles that will teach you how to apply twist and I recommend that you check them out. I added a link for my google search result for plot twist: www.google.ca/#fp=f188eceab59c…

Thanks for reading my journal. And don't worry about being bothersome. As long as I have time, I'm always be willing to help you.

 

This is a great start BTW! The only thing I'm worry about is the possibility that Akiri defeats the orge king, gets the last book portal and resumes to her normal life. That's the part I find it cliché as this normally happened in RPG plots. There is a certain part of the story where I find it a bit cliché, in the sense that the protagonist travels to a different world (possibly a dystopia) where (s)he has to play a hero/heroine role to save that world from danger / evils (or to solve a major problem in that world). Examples include The Chronicles of Narnia, Tsubasa Chronicles etc... I normally prefer the protagonist travels back (to her world) and forth to Dragonia, instead of her stucking in Dragonia throughout the story. Furthermore I think that that the adventure should be focusing how she overcome her shyness or anti-socialness.   

I know this is something I shouldn't intervene, but I'm really having trouble 'digesting' your story. Either because your story is getting to the part where it's getting too complicated or there're hardly any full stops / periods in any of those sentences. Furthermore my reading ability is limited as English is not my first language. But I'll try my best to understand your plot. 

 

I find that a protagonist who suffered from memory loss at the beginning is cliché, especially the part where she has no memory to begin with. I personally would prefer that she loses few months of memory or the fact that she is unable to recall a certain events due to trauma.

 

Based on my understanding of the your plot, this is a story where the girl (who lost her memory) and a guy X went on an adventure together and they both stumbled on a secret kingdom where the girl recovered all her memories. In her memories, she has (kind of)a complex relationship between guy Y and guy Z. Guy Y and Z fought each other not only because of the girl, but also for personal revenge (something like Guy Y's grandfather killed Guy Z's mother). However their epic fight almost caused the whole kingdom to be crumble / destroyed, but luckily the girl stopped the fight by sealing them off along with the kingdom. Back to the present, she unseal them but the guys keep fighting and so on...

 

I think the plot has some potentials, however I got confused to why the girl decided to unfreeze the guys. Maybe she feels bad for trapping them for years or she thinks that the guys might decided to move on after that. For me I would love to see the girl as a peacemaker rather than the center of the love triangle.

 

 

That is a bit better. However I still feel that the story is still cliché as I have seen couple of similar RPG plots out there, especially the part where there is a powerful antagonist out there and the hero is destined to defeat him/her (which ends with the hero defeated the antagonist with the help of his supporting allies).

 

I felt that your plot needs more twists, like more surprising and unexpected events. You can read more about it in the wiki page en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plot_twi… (I felt that this article is quite useful for you). It will probably give you more ideas. Let me give you an example of a twist: what if the vision the Onajo Elders saw is a fake?   

Hi, I'm not sure what you need help with. If you are just asking for feedback for your story plot, continue reading... [otherwise reply me with another question]

I know that you are putting a lot effort in the story, but personally I find the story cliché and it is more like a RPG plot. To me, this is a story about a powerful person or a person who just won a lottery and start to receive VIP treatments. Try to create a story that connects the readers, something that they can related to. For instance, we all get kind of envy when we heard news about people winning lottery (mostly from rag to riches). We even wonder how the lottery winners spend their money on. There are times when we wish that they are generous enough to share their winnings with us or donate all the winnings to a charity and resume their normal lives. Sometimes we even get frustrated and envy when they spent most on the winnings on luxurious goods such as private jet or house that is worth $50 millions. There are times when we are wondering why we are not lucky as they are. So I were to write a story, I would write about a protagonist whose best friend is a lucky person who gets to absorb the Magii from a legendary elder, and the fact that he's quite envious about him.