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About Varied / Student Lili24/Female/United Kingdom Recent Activity
Deviant for 10 Years
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Statistics 680 Deviations 33,331 Comments 47,713 Pageviews
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Newest Deviations

A woof boy by riflow A woof boy :iconriflow:riflow 3 4 Light by riflow Light :iconriflow:riflow 2 0 Test 4 : this one looks real weird by riflow Test 4 : this one looks real weird :iconriflow:riflow 1 0 Test 3 by riflow Test 3 :iconriflow:riflow 1 0 Test 2 by riflow Test 2 :iconriflow:riflow 0 0 Test 1 by riflow Test 1 :iconriflow:riflow 0 0 The portrait deserved better by riflow The portrait deserved better :iconriflow:riflow 1 0 How far? by riflow How far? :iconriflow:riflow 1 2 Wistful by riflow Wistful :iconriflow:riflow 1 0 Big ol eyebrows by riflow Big ol eyebrows :iconriflow:riflow 1 0 Flowery Abstract by riflow Flowery Abstract :iconriflow:riflow 1 0 Her hand is backwards by riflow Her hand is backwards :iconriflow:riflow 2 2 Water Soluble Pens Have Their Own Charms by riflow Water Soluble Pens Have Their Own Charms :iconriflow:riflow 2 0 Beach fun by riflow Beach fun :iconriflow:riflow 1 2 Doodle by riflow Doodle :iconriflow:riflow 1 0 Tenby Coast by riflow Tenby Coast :iconriflow:riflow 0 0
Take Note, many others..... trying to get better at anatomy and other forms or styles of art. Although I'm not giving up on the manga style, been with me through a lot of good and bad times, or at least what I'd consider to be positive or negative.

The gallery is full of old crap though.... I don't have the heart to delete them. Too many memories.

Random Favourites

Fall Usagi by Kitanya Fall Usagi :iconkitanya:Kitanya 467 127 CRACKNOODLES:D by DEMENTDistortion CRACKNOODLES:D :icondementdistortion:DEMENTDistortion 138 46 Alien Fruit by Typthis Alien Fruit :icontypthis:Typthis 157 133 Sober by kiracathy Sober :iconkiracathy:kiracathy 218 26 APH-Spain the Explorer pg. 4 by koookeees APH-Spain the Explorer pg. 4 :iconkoookeees:koookeees 1,960 212 Old enough to be cute by woxys Old enough to be cute :iconwoxys:woxys 829 65 SOKKA by EliciaElric SOKKA :iconeliciaelric:EliciaElric 591 216 Cleaning Day. by thrumyeye Cleaning Day. :iconthrumyeye:thrumyeye 767 59 Age of Discovery: Rivalry by TriaElf9 Age of Discovery: Rivalry :icontriaelf9:TriaElf9 476 175 How to basic screentone on PTS by pandabaka How to basic screentone on PTS :iconpandabaka:pandabaka 3,514 162 Fans by Claparo-Sans Fans :iconclaparo-sans:Claparo-Sans 4,247 238 Puking Rainbow Stamp by Droneguard Puking Rainbow Stamp :icondroneguard:Droneguard 4,580 449 The Past and Present by suga-ovadose The Past and Present :iconsuga-ovadose:suga-ovadose 421 58
Things I like, usually quite random.

Too many pages.

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Activity


A woof boy
Was thinking about maybe doing inktober and mosnters/mythic creatures for it. Hopefully can follow through.

Ended up drawing this fluffy kid, thinking the black background and use of black watercolour mightve taken away from some of the smaller details I'd tried to put into the lineart. Tried to vary the lineart gently and not so gently.

Was fun at least.
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Light
More leaf phase attempts, a youtuber I follow said you get a little less precious about what you're painting if it's a self portrait. Way I see it, this was less precious but still stilted from the fact I was trying to do it more realistic. Live and learn.
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Test 4 : this one looks real weird
Was testing watercolor and cartridge paper with pencils and ink.

His jaw and mouth just don't look right.
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Test 3
Was testing watercolor and cartridge paper with pencils and ink.

I really like the hair in this one.
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Test 2
Was testing watercolor and cartridge paper with pencils and ink.
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Just a warning going to talk about heavy mental health issues and the like here so please don't read this if that's likely to destroy your day.
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Well hi

Gotta confess the 20+ things I uploaded today was mostly brought on by a whim but it was nice. Nice looking at old art even if some of it makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. (or embarrassed about who I was interacting with as a teenager but can't do much about that now)

I've been slowly trying to get back into art, uni ended up as a huge wasted effort that... Well. I floundered. I floundered and just kept dropping until my mind was going to places a (at the time) 21 year old mind shouldnt go to.

I realised pretty early on in the first year that I was suffering from some severe mental health and fatigue issues that aggravated going to uni and were continuing to worsen the more I travelled there.

By the end of the first year I'd just barely passed with a 50~54 Mark (pass is 40) and pretty much none of the work made me happy. It was distressing to be putting as much effort as you could into something and realise you just didn't have the energy to pump into it. That you didn't know why you were in this uni, that you weren't good enough and we're worthless compared to your fellow students.

I'd felt confused too, the people I'd become friends with were all lovely but I felt a distance whether that was my social illiteracy, not being a Cardiff based student or a mix of that combined with very little socialisation over the years.

It hurt to not know what to do and to feel so confused all the time, with school work and socially.

Then the second year came and I... essentially had a year long break down. I don't know how it lasted so long but the disability advisor I had contact with nor my tutor were really helping me withdraw from uni or even making me aware properly of the options and that I could literally just withdraw and not suspend the course.

Felt like trying to swallow sand. Everyday feeling crushed by the fact I wasn't there, seeing everyone going to uni and now the people I'd called friends have graduated. I'm happy for them
and their success  but it hurt that I wasn't one of them.

It was by no means a course I got on with, if general consensus was anything to go by most people thought it was pretty piss poor. But still there's some big sense of failure and loss to be had when you've struggled your entire academic career only to fall flat on your face at the place you worked your ass off to get to.

And I thought it was my fault that entire time.

For so long I thought maybe I'm just not cut out for uni, or I just don't work hard enough, not skilled enough, not assertive enough, not creative enough, not normal enough to be able to function in this environment.

And I do still think that, at least on some level. But I know mental illness makes you blame yourself even when things are out of your hands. My year long melt down brought so much crushing anguish there's no way I could've been in my right mind. There's no way someone having horrific nightmares, crying every day, thinking its better not to be here for 2 years after uni was well enough to be faulted.

And I've got to believe that.

Going to uni and the fallout of dropping out destroyed me for so long. I wasn't playing games, making any art, reading or watching manga and anime, I was just sat there going through everything I'd done wrong and how nothing will ever change and what's the point of being here if things stay the same?

But things have slowly gotten better. I think a turning point was after dropping out officially I felt like I wasn't being crushed by pressure as much.

I'm still as a consequence agoraphobic, well more so than previously. I didn't go out unless it was to go to uni and even then I missed like 2/5 days. It was a struggled to get used to the travelling process for college and then as again with uni but no doubt that made it harder because some days I was just... Frozen and unable to go outside. The anxiety continues to be suffocating in that regard.

I've been slowly trying to draw a little at a time without focusing too too much on studies or stuff that would stress me out. Frustration at not being good enough and anxiety over it is ever present but I'll take that one step at a time.

I've been keeping a bullet journal for a few months, previously had one in late 2016 as well. Inside there's a tracker for art progress which has been so so valuable for repairing my relationship with art. Its a little like an rpg start sheet for different subjects, techniques and mediums. Highly recommend it.

My sister had a baby who has helped in so many ways. He's a wonderful little boy, with so many funny adorable habits. He put a smile on my face on days where I felt like it wasn't worth it to be here and I'll always be thankful for that. Weird how babies can have a similar effect to therapy animals. c':

I've started playing games again more often too, I'm very good at making them not fun for myself but thankfully having a ps vita and a 3ds means a lot of accessibility for the kinds of games I enjoy.

Thanks to anyone who read this, and I hope despite the harshness everyone's been through these last few years that you've found your happiness in whatever way you can. I can't guarantee I'll suddenly start posting regularly on here again but hopefully you'll get to see more from me in the not so distant future.

And please remember to treat yourself like you're real. I know it's hard to do that if you're going through rough times but eating well, exercising having a clean environment does a hell of a lot of good. I'm trying too, every day.
  • Listening to: My desire to play radiant historia ds
  • Reading: the screen
  • Watching: A cute show about a bistro and adorable guys
  • Playing: Radiant historia ds
  • Eating: Grapes
  • Drinking: water

deviantID

riflow
Lili
Artist | Student | Varied
United Kingdom
hiya, overtly anxious woman from Wales here, I don't tend to be very active on DeviantART but when I am I like to make it a point to bug people and try to keep up with friends.

:3

I'm always game for a chat.
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:icondaemonic-fae:
Daemonic-Fae Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2016
Happy birthday! :la:
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:iconriflow:
riflow Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2016  Student General Artist
Thank you. c:
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:icondaemonic-fae:
Daemonic-Fae Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2016
it has been forever since we've spoken, also, omg. how have you been?
Reply
:iconriflow:
riflow Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2016  Student General Artist
I've been real bad. :'D Uni broke me and my mental health has been on a roller coaster style decline. Hope you're doing better?
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(1 Reply)
:iconlaitma:
Laitma Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2016  Professional Filmographer
Happy birthday-!!!  I hope you're having a wonderful and doing well!!
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