To the date, I've had this profile for 11 years...
I joined deviantart in 2006 in my freshman year of highschool and I was immediately attached to the site. I found a smorgasbord of amazing art, I've been inspired by said amazing art. I've met a lot of people who eventually became friends; temporary or long time. I've had fun interacting with a lot of the roleplayers on this site and it eventually pulled me away into a better roleplaying environment than Neopets could ever dream of. The net positives of being on this site is huge and I've come a long way from the 14 year old me that joined this site to weeb it up and post shitty drawings.
But you know, all good things come to and end. I'm not the same person I was 11 years ago. I'm not the same person i was 6 years ago, or even one year ago. Shit happens. People change. I'm not unhappy or upset that I've changed; in the long run, it's for the better. I've wised up; I'm not naive or blissfully ignorant as I used to be. I've been through a lot of depressing things over the last few years and even though I'm still not where I want to be in my life, I've come to the realization that I need to cut the sticker burrs out of my sweater so I won't constantly get stuck by them. I need to get my life semi-back on track and I truly don't want this profile to be apart of that anymore and that's me being very "calm" about this. I'll be honest:
I've been depressed for years. No, suicidal, for years.
A litany of factors have only added to it and made it worse. I've been diagnosed as clinically depressed, I've taken medications for it, I've even been to a therapist even if briefly to help but in the end, the medications stopped, the therapy sessions stopped, and I've refused to go see anyone about it. I've flunked out of school twice and dropped out of community college. That has done nothing for me but made me feel worse. I've tried killing myself. I've thought about it, alluded to it, joked about it countless times but I'm 100% serious. Most of the time I don't want to live and I truly think things will be better off without me. I'm not fishing for pity comments or the like and I don't want them. I don't want hollow feel good posts and I don't want sympathy posts because they're for all intent and purposes, useless to me. They don't console me and they feel faker than a $3 dollar bill. I don't share my life to anyone other than a few select people because I don't believe in sharing personal information like this to anyone aside from people you're close to. I like my privacy but at the same time, people deserve to know what's been going on for the last 5 years with me and why I don't talk to anyone or about anything, anymore.
How I truly feel right now..
I've met my two closest friends from participating in TDC2. I love them dearly and they've been by my side regardless if I was being a depressive asshole or a nitpicky asshole. Over time, I met more people who have the same characteristics and have shown that they're very fun and amazing to be around. They've put up with me for years and for some, months and I can't knock that. I'm not an easy person to be around because of my negative attitude and how peculiar I am. Hell, we all share the same sentiments on many things even if we don't share that many likes. I've never felt like I wasn't wanted around them and that they always liked my company. I actually feel happy and comfortable around them.
Nevertheless, they aren't the ones that my problems lie with. We will still share a propriety for digimon. I'll never hate this IP because I still love monsters and good designs and that's where it will end. I don't want anything to do with any groups or OCTs that may spring up later. I don't want anything to do with anyone else in this fandom aside from ONE thing that I've been holding out on and will remain to do so until it comes to fruition. Over the last...3 years, my cynicism for this grew and grew and it's boiled over this year. I've never felt wanted for a very long time and this year truly sealed the deal. I can definitely take a hint and just leave. I don't like being labeled an "asshole" or "bully" or a "dick" because I'm not. You don't have to directly say it, but I do understand nuance and how people word things. I have my own way of looking at things and doing them so it goes without saying that you know, these things hurt and I'm tired of feeling hurt, ignored (blatantly), labeled negatively. I've ended up hating myself more and I don't want to deal with that anymore. I'm sick of feeling hurt over people too mousy and too weak to settle shit or try coming to an understanding because it clashes with their narrative. I'm tired of feeling like pure trash; like I'm not worth anything because of how others make me feel.
That ends today. I don't want anything to do with it anymore.
But, in the long run, it won't really matter. People associate you with how they see you in a negative way more than a positive one. So for me, this profile is negative. I've wasted my time trying to "fix" things that wont' be fixed because people are too afraid of me or don't want to bother. That shit stings. It only makes me feel more negative and it won't be long until it completely takes over. I don't feel positive anymore. I don't feel like I do things right. I will probably never feel like I will do anything right and this comes from outside sources. I feel like I've made a mistake with Assembly Arena. I've lost most of my drive for Assembly Arena because of everything I've said in this journal. I've lost my will to post on this profile to even advertise my art or advertise for commissions because it's pointless. I'll find my own way to get out there even if it's harder to do so.
So here's the deal for the next...possibly 6 months...
I will not be on this account much, if at all. The only art that I will upload is art for Assembly. Everything from when I first joined up to last week, if it wasn't an Assembly related deviation, it's stored. It will not be out of storage. If you want it, then you come to me directly and ask via notes. I might say yes or I might say no. I will obviously continue to judge Assembly because it's my brainchild and I've put in a lot of work that I would rather not be wasted. When it's over, all of the work I put into it, will go into storage. The account will be dead (my sub will run out), and I will have had moved on to another profile/twitter/tumblr. Prize art will be given via a note when it's finished. I will only take commissions off of twitter and possibly tumblr when I reopen them earlier next year.
I've already made another profile and aside from a few people, I will not be giving it out. I will transfer all of my digimon there and to twitter (and maybe tumblr). If you find me, you find me. If you don't, then you've lost nothing and, you don't find me. If you want to follow me via twitter or tumblr, then I'll post a link. If you want to unfollow me then I can't stop you and it will suck but in the end, it was your decision.
This is entirely an act of self-preservation and correcting mistakes I've been making since 2014. I've always had this option on my mind since about 2015. My end goal is to get better with my art to fulfill a dream I made since I was 10 and dealing with mistakes and problems I've caused and that have happened to me in the last 5 almost 6 years will not do. I'm not apologizing for the things I've said in this journal and if you feel like it's talking about you then it's on you. You have your own agency and I cannot tell you how to feel. I don't mind comments but there's no guarantee I will reply or comment. I truly feel like being alone but that won't get me anywhere. I have to keep trying to moving forward.
So to wrap this up, I'll post links to the sites where you will find me. I'll be focused on trying to feel like I've never felt, learning and getting better with my art. Please don't call me Ren, Vichy, or Kyou. Those names will die with this account. If you're still doing your bit in the world and you're doing well, then godspeed. If you're still learning, then godspeed. The only thing you can do is do your best to become someone in the grand scheme of things and enjoy life no matter how it may be.