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what's the point of continuing this mod if I can't get the models to work? I can't get any help with them, can't even get a response on the undertow forums... I'm sitting here trying to put all of this work into something that's obviously destined to fail. I hate it when I do this. I get all excited about something, completely forgetting that I'm not good enough to accomplish anything but mediocrity. I KNOW I'm good for nothing, so why do I fucking try? why do I ever tell myself, "I can do this!" I'm a failure, and I always will be. but it doesn't matter how much I know this, i'll eventually get excited about some other project and fail at that too. that's why I'm not putting much effort into Xtraordinary Girl! what's the point? I was born to fail. this mod is a disaster, and I should've known better to not have started it.
  • Drinking: arizona tea
I'm going to list all of the SCPs I need to replace in Containment Breach. I'm blanking on what they should be replaced with, so maybe some of my diehard fans can give me some ideas.

148 (both forms):
1499 and its dimension:
789-J (audio trigger only): scp-containment-breach-unity-e…

items I need to replace...

ballistic vests:…

obviously anything I replace these things with have to have similar purposes. for instance, the butt ghost is found in a toilet, and upon getting close to it, it says, "I am the butt ghost, I am going to eat your butt." so I need to figure out a different audio that can play there. you also get an achievement for it.

and in case anyone has this idea, I already thought of making 1499's dimension into the UNKNOWN quadrant. I would make everything white, and all structures and 1499-1 invisible. but I dunno, that doesn't seem like much fun? and I can't think of an item that could literally transfer you to the UNKNOWN quadrant... also, to help narrow things down, here are things that are already replacing stuff.

Nina the Lotrid
Dr. Rotkodd
Edgar the "you messed up on your drawing" fuzz
Sugar Dragon
Nightmare Mist Creatures
Unleashed Charmer
Chocolate Contentment
Acid Chews

and I've come up with some new things to replace a few smaller items that aren't worth mentioning.

IF YOU HAVE A NEW IDEA, I will consider making it canon in the Reitanna Fiction universe and mention you in the credits of the game. I don't have room for Others of other characters, and the things need to be weird enough to not understand how they work. you may refer to this as well:…

I don't expect a miracle, but some help would be appreciated.
  • Drinking: arizona tea
I just went through ALL of my photoshop fonts like ten times looking for the one I used for Annatier's document, and it's like... GONE. I even tried some online font identifiers, nothing. I'm sitting here like, "I JUST used it, how the hell is it NOT here?" I analyzed every single letter, lengths of serifs, scaled similar fonts to overlap and match the one I used... NOTHING. it's some kind of mix of Courier, Fixedsys, and System, and I know it's one I got for free because I don't buy fonts. it is absolutely INFURIATING. how can it not be there??? I can't just change fonts between documents, no matter how similar they are! I could recreate Anna's document... UGH!! WHERE DID IT GO???!!!
  • Drinking: arizona tea
I am in desperate need of assistance for my SCP: containment breach mod, but I can't seem to find any answers to my specific problems. I REALLY need someone who understands Blitz3D to help me, perhaps someone who has modded this game before, and NOT just texture swapping, I mean new models and everything. please help me, or maybe give me some links as to where I can find help.
  • Drinking: arizona tea
sorry, no title came to me. I just wanted to remind everyone... if you see someone talking shit about me, please don't show me. my mind doesn't let me just shrug it off, not even when I tell myself it doesn't matter. I know it doesn't, but my brain doesn't listen. it's just... if someone wants to fester in their own hate, it's not my problem, and it's certainly not yours. plus, if you guys like me, you wouldn't want to show me something that made me feel sad, right?

on a related note, if you guys find any slander about me online, and you go, "I didn't know about that! she's terrible!" come to me for the facts, alright? haters tailor stories to their own narrative, leaving out details that negate their claims. I will always tell you what's true and what's false, and if you're civil, I will be too. never trust anything bad that's said about me, just get your information from the source.

unfortunately, the world is not kind. there are people who like to fill their ego by bringing others down. they waste their time on a complete stranger like me, while I'm doing something productive like learning how to 3D model and program games. I don't need to bring other people down to feel good about myself, I have a decently good life for someone who has been through what I have. and you guys should also remember that. remember that there will always be people better than you... but there will also always be people you're better than. I know there are a lot of people reading this will low self esteem like me, with personal problems that make us behave in ways we don't want to behave, but as long as we're not hurting anyone, as long as we aren't the ones to start drama, and as long as we're doing everything we can to be happy, we're fine. we're allowed to be human, even if our brains are wired incorrectly. not only that, but we're allowed to be honest about what's wrong with us. I would literally chop off both my legs to be cured of my mental problems, but there IS no cure, only therapy, only things that can make us feel better, and medication that at least dampens the symptoms. we know we are far from perfect, we know our problems don't make us special, they just make life harder. people will always find a reason to hate you, even if it's for illogical reasons. even if your brain can't allow you to just shove it off, that doesn't mean they're right.

and as an addendum, if you see someone talking shit about me, you don't have to defend me. they call you guys my "white knights," and that's weird, since it's been a long time since I've "sent" my fans on someone, you know, back when my maturity levels were much lower than they are now. what they say about me might offend you as well, but it's not your problem. if you REALLY have to say something, just say, "you're wrong," but that person WANTS to be flamed, so don't give it to them. you guys are NOT my "white knights," my "soldiers," my "army," or whatever, you guys are my fans and friends, and you have no obligations to stand up for me. your heart may be in the right place, but you, with that kind, honest heart, cannot understand the ways of these hateful people, and anything you say will not change their minds, and in fact, might make it WORSE. they literally think I send you guys out to attack my haters. don't give them more reasons to think that.

I want to thank everyone who continues to support me, even if I'm annoying, even if I have a lot of problems that I complain about, even if I rant about useless things. I also want to thank anyone, fan of mine or stranger, who is kind and spends their lives doing things that they love to do, positive, non-hurtful things. we don't have enough of you. I wish I could change the world. I wish I were perfect. reality says I can't do either of those things. but with the internet, there will always be sheep who hide their faces from the people they harass, because they know that they'd be cowering in fear in person. let them fester in their cess pool, and remember... the hurt doesn't last forever. even if you can't shove it off now, you know you'll get over it at some point.

the only good thing about having chronic short term memory loss... XD I just have to remind myself that I'm alright. my mind loves to panic over these things, and I have to convince it that everything is fine. it would be impossible without my effixor. that stuff saved my life.
  • Drinking: water
so, if you've been following my recent deviations, I'm going back to modding SCP Containment Breach, except instead of making it colorful and funny to fit my personality, I'm making into a story that's actually a sequel to the unmade game, Five Nights with Annatier. see here:…

the story to that game, which may never be made (we'll see), is that a new facility is opened up in Wayward City, and the owners ask Reitanna to let them study Annatier. you don't play as Reitanna, as she is "phone guy," you play as a security guard... obviously. but Annatier didn't consent to being locked up and studied, so she starts to cause trouble.

in this mod of SCP CB, the facility has been expanded, extra safety measures are set in place, and this time, the owners ask Annatier to be apart of it again. she accepts, but ends up getting bored and decides to stir up some trouble. Sei and Rina are also there by request, and you play as Reitanna, so is staying in the facility with a number of other people to help with testing and study. it's not much fun, though, and the "guests" are more like prisoners.

I need a name for this facility. I'd love for you guys to help me out with this. the only idea I have is, "Encephalon Study and Test Facility." LAME. ESTF.
  • Drinking: arizona tea
so I went to see my new psychiatrist yesterday, and as always, I had to answer many, MANY questions, as well as sort of summarize my life story. we were actually there longer than we probably should've been because she wanted to know more about me, and she said I was "fascinating." she's not the first professional who has told me that. I had someone comment on youtube and said, "as a criminal investigator, I'd love to just sit down with you and listen to you talk." I told mike about this, and he said, "well, yeah. you're perfect for study, you're the type of person people write papers on." I dunno, it gave me that shameful feeling of being special in some way. I mean, I'm NOT, but it still felt kinda good. I mean, it's okay to feel special every once in awhile, right? or should I be punishing myself for the feeling like I do if I'm too proud of something?
  • Drinking: water
hey guys? um... if I get snippy, or bitchy, or upset with any of you for like no reason, please don't take it too seriously. it's been hectic trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, and I FINALLY have one on Wednesday, but that means I haven't been able to get my medication, so we've had to ration it out by cutting pills. I've been noticing the difference in my behavior because of it, and I just want everyone to know that, if I don't seem like myself, it's because I'm not... or I am... which one is the real me? the one without the meds or with?
  • Drinking: water
I was sending a text to Sempai that said, "are you okay?" because paranoid Reitanna is paranoid. "Are" had a red line underneath. I was like, "are you serious?" so I selected it, and it gave me a bunch of corrections, as well as "add to dictionary." do you want to know what one of the corrections was? "Are." same spelling, same capitalization, it was exactly the same. I clicked it, and the red line went away. GO FIGURE.

anyone wanna share some hilariously stupid autocorrect stories?
  • Playing: The Sims 4
  • Drinking: water
alright, I was privately informed about something that concerned me, so I'm gonna lay down some rules if you want to draw NSFW fanart of my characters.

1. NO RAPE. I'm surprised I even have to say that. pictures of violent sex can be interpreted as forced, and that's not okay. any of that kind of art must have indications of all participants enjoying themselves, such as smiles on their faces or hearts floating around their heads. the Jisatsu brothers are an exception, as they have EXTREMELY violent sex very often, but it is always consensual. just remember that the brothers ENJOY pain, so don't make either of them look upset that it's happening.

2. No children. Dead Molly is a child, please don't objectify her in such a way. I don't have many underaged main characters, but still. However, humans reach sexual maturity around 14-16 years of age, and I lost my virginity at fourteen, so I personally don't count them as children even if they're minors. additionally, the age of a legal adult in Encephalon is SEVENTEEN, not eighteen.

3. Do you ship my "Reitanna" character with Annatier? that's fine, a lot of people do. art of them together is okay as long as you follow rules #1, 2, and 6.

4. Do you ship my "Reitanna" character with the "Sempai" character? Well, "Sempai" is actually a real person, and she's straight, so as respect toward her, any fanart of them together should be SFW, as in non-sexual, more cuddly. if you really MUST do something NSFW, ask me to get her permission, and if the answer is no, respect it.

5. Groups. well, Hard Candy is a group of six gay pornographers, so I would LOVE to see some fanart of them having an orgy. XD some other examples may get complicated, and I prefer heterosexual couples not to be broken in the way I will now explain using an example. Tenji, Sapphire, Irene, and Daxter are swingers. Tenji and Sapphire are married, Dax and Irene are married, but Tenji is also Dax's boyfriend, and Irene is Sapphire's girlfriend. Irene and Tenji DO NOT get involved with each other, as is the same with Dax and Sapphire. This rule is complicated...

6. Real people. Me, Mike, Justin, and Sempai are real people. I am pansexual, and the latter three are straight. I know for a fact that Mike and Justin would not be comfortable being shipped with anyone, fictional or not, and Mike is my boyfriend, so his obvious shipping partner is me. however, he'd honestly give permission to me to at least make out with another girl, so the real Mike would not have a problem with my character being shipped with another girl. with Sempai, again, ask me permission, unless she's shipped with Koda, because she loves Koda. Koda has a girlfriend, but you know, Harry Potter marries Ginny Weasley, and I ship Harry with Draco, so yeah. Just respect the characters that are actually REAL.

7. Animals.... this is tricky, because there are a lot of species in Encephalon that qualify as people. So if they exist in Encephalon as people, it's alright. If it's another series of mine... well, I'm gonna lay it down... NO PONIES. Pony porn DISGUSTS me. Also, shipping Minkie with Derpy (or anyone) makes me uncomfortable because Minkie is largely based on me, and she is asexual, and both HATES and FEARS any sort of intimate or romantic contact. Any love she has for anypony is platonic. I'd prefer no NSFW Muffins fanart even if they're turned human, but I'd have less of a problem with it. Just remember that Apple Bloom and Babs are TEN YEARS OLD. they are NOT to be sexually involved with anyone in any way.

8. Pregnancy........................... I um.... I actually find pregnancy rather.... gross? I hate seeing characters pregnant, it's unflattering and scary. I hate conception in real life, so please don't give Mike and I a child in fiction. Sempai wants lots of kids, and finds pregnancy beautiful. This is complicated. Also, same sex couples can't have kids that look like BOTH parents. They either adopt or have a surrogate mother/father. if there is a surrogate, the child will only look like ONE parent and have features of the surrogate. I have yet to have made a species where same sex couples can reproduce sexually. I mean... the rules of human biology apply, there needs to be one egg and one sperm. XD (There are times when two eggs are fertilized, and other occurrences, but you know what I mean.)

9. Masturbation? if the character is 14+ and not Minkie Pie or Derpy, go for it. just remember that DA has strict rules about minors. That's why I don't make many teenagers. XD

10. When in doubt, please ask permission from me. In reality, I cannot control what you write/draw, and in most of these cases, I have no right to tell you to take it down if you do. I WILL force you take something down that breaks rules 1 or 2. Other than that, I'd like a little respect with my characters because each main character is actually a part of me, meaning I take attributes from myself and create an individual from them (except for real people). But I mean, if JK Rowling personally put out a rule that said, "NO DRARRY," would I listen? probably not... no, definitely not. so yeah, a majority of this list is really hypocritical, but my stuff is about 1% as popular as things like Harry Potter, maybe less. I dunno... really, 1, 2, and 6 are my big ones, so out of anything, DO respect those. The rest of the list is mainly my own personal preference; how things would be if I could have EVERYTHING my way. but one of my many flaws is me feeling entitled to things, something with which I am trying to control, so every rule that isn't 1, 2, or 6 is me saying, "pretty please?" and not, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

that being said, I have so much hentai on my computer, I had to replace one of my hard drives with a bigger one, so I'd like to see what you've done if you believe yours meets these "rules." I'm a person that is conflicted with what should be censored and what should not be, and in many cases, I end up completely going against what I said before. I just want to make it clear that, other than 1, 2, and 6, you don't have to treat these like law unless you choose to, but if you break them, I will most likely not want to see it. NO RAPE. fuckin... just... c'mon...
  • Listening to: my rat eating... crunch crunch!
  • Playing: The Sims 4
  • Drinking: water
I had a nightmare last night that was so incredibly horrible, I not only woke up crying, but I've felt sick to my stomach all day. I dreamt that Michael was murdered.

I had been drugged by a friend and a bunch of people I didn't know. I had fallen asleep, and when I started to wake up, they gave me a bunch of chocolate to distract me from the fact that I didn't know most of these people. my friend exists in real life, though we haven't been in contact for years. i'll call him E. when my mind began to clear up a little, I started to wonder about the strangers, but E said everything was okay. one of the guys kept trying to molest me, and I would whine in fear, and E held me away from him and said, "not yet." the guy tried again, and I woke up a little more, and E told the guy off again, saying, "no, the drugs are wearing off." I started to call for Michael, but I got no response, and everyone was watching me. I got away from E and ran the best I could around the house, looking for him, and I finally found him in the bedroom.

he was lying on the bed on his side, facing away from me and only in his boxers like he usually is. I said his name louder and louder, and then muttered, "oh no... please no..." finally, I walked around to his other side and saw a great gash stretching from his neck and down through his chest. his eyes had also been punctured, and there was a syringe sticking out of his arm, but I didn't know what it contained. I screamed as horribly as I would in real life, and I started to shake him, hoping that maybe he had some life, enough to get him help, but the blood was nearly dry, and he was cold. (fuck, I feel like crying as I write this.) I sobbed uncontrollably, but it started to cease as my sadness was replaced with unfathomable rage. E came in, and I asked him, quietly, but shaking with rage, who murdered the love of my life. he said he wasn't involved, but I knew he was lying because I could tell he was in with those strangers. I choked E until he lost consciousness, and dragged him out of the room, found a knife, and the others saw what I was doing, and trying to stop me, but I cut E's head off. it was actually easy, unlike in real life, like slicing through putty.

they all had weapons, but I was screaming with rage, and it fueled me. I cut most of their heads off, but there was one guy and one girl left, and they apprehended me until a couple of other friends came running into the house and got them away from me. they must've been trying to get ahold of me or something, and came to check if I was okay. as we ran, I told them what happened, so we tried to call the police. we couldn't get ahold of them for some reason. now, in my dreams, everyone seems to be able to fit in small spaces except me. so when we saw the guy and the girl coming down the street, my two friends went through this small opening in a pile of rocks, but I begged them to wait and help me because I couldn't fit. also, every time I try to hide from someone, I have a big ol' backpack for no reason. welp, the pair yanked me up, and I tried to fight with the knife I had had before, but they took it, also having a knife themselves, and they stabbed me over and over again. it hurt so bad, and I was conscious the whole time, even though I was supposed to be dead. even as my life left my body, I could see everything, hear everything, but I could not move. I watched them laugh at me, and then they threw me into the grass. I watched the sun come up, not blinking, unable to move, and feeling nothing but sadness and heartbreak.

then I was picked up by some people who did not scream upon seeing my corpse, and I was taken away in a van. with some weird, secret science, they brought me back to life by putting my memories and feelings into a robot body. I met a female robot and a male robot who also used to be human, but they were murdered as well. this secret group of scientists had a lot of information on what happened, and said the entire event was supposed to be a hoax, a sick joke to be played on me. Michael was not in on the joke; the syringe had stuff that put mike to sleep and slowed his heartbeat and breathing. the blood and wounds were makeup. he was cold because of the slower heartbeat and they had cooled him down with ice packs. the group had also planned to do terrible things to me while still drugged, like that guy wanting to rape me. apparently this group of people I had never met HATED me, seeing my stuff online and assuming I was the kind of person the real people who hate me online think I am. E had been part of it to get back at me for breaking up with his best friend after falling for Michael, thinking I had also been cheating on her, which I did not (that's why I broke up with her). no one had anticipated me blowing up and start killing everyone, and the only reason the last two killed me was because I slashed up all of their friends.

but this meant that Michael was alive, and was spotted at work, appearing completely healthy, so I called him, and I indeed got an answer. he said he was fine, and had no idea what I was talking about when I mentioned the prank and the dead bodies in our house. by the time we hung up, I felt like I couldn't believe he was alive until I saw him. the other robots and I were fitted with fake skins to make us look human; they made me a man so as to not draw any suspicion that it was me. having seen my boyfriend's supposedly dead body, being killed, and hearing about this prank had completely broken me. I became surly, negative, distant, like a veteran who just saw his buddy get blown up right in front of his eyes. I also threatened people I didn't know who got too close to me, saying, "if you ever touch me, i'll kill you."

something felt very wrong when I went back to my house. the TV was on, and it was a news segment showing Michael being arrested for the murders of the people they found in our house. they also found videos of him planning to do a mass killing, even trying on a vest covered in dynamite for a kamikaze attack. but that wasn't right, Michael was not a violent person, he HATED guns and explosives except for in video games... I studied the videos carefully, and realized he was talking to the camera man and telling him/her "how it'd be." but he wasn't talking about an attack, because I saw several nodes all over his body. the guns and bombs were props, he was MOTION CAPTURING, like for a video game. he also had told the camera person, "don't tell kara, I want her to be surprised." he was working on designing a video game without telling me as a surprise. I was MAD.

I went to walgreens and asked about Michael being at work when I called him, but they said he hadn't been to work in awhile, and heard he was arrested, saying, "I didn't think he was the type." I shouted at them, saying he wasn't, that he was acting for a video game. so my robot companions and I went to the police station, explained that mike didn't do it, that his late girlfriend had killed those people because of a prank that went too far, and they released him. I was so happy, and I hugged him, and he said he missed me... but that was odd, I didn't look like me, I looked like a man, so me hugging him should have been REALLY weird. his voice was also different. I told him he wasn't the real Michael, and demanded to know who he was and where the real one was. he didn't answer me, he just said, "please kill me." I couldn't bear to kill someone with Michael's exact image, so I went postal on the police and took one as hostage for answers.

the cop told me Michael WAS alive, that the news segment had been planted there to explain his absence, but that he had really been kidnapped after his girlfriend disappeared without a trace. when I had called him, they forced Michael to say he was fine, and that he was at work. not knowing that I had been the one who murdered those people, they made a copy of him, put him in prison, and aired the story to lure me out of hiding, not knowing that I was dead. it was this big conspiracy that I can't even make sense of. I found out from the cop where to find the real Michael, then I killed him anyway, and after sneaking into this guarded building, he wasn't there. the cop gave me false information, which enraged me more. now my cohorts and I were running from secret government agents or something, and there was a huge explosion, and then some man drove up, saying he was going to help us, and then...

I felt a familiar, bearded man kiss me, and I woke up gasping, grabbing Michael and holding onto him like I thought he was going to disappear again. I gave him a less detailed description of my dream as I was crying, and he blamed my period. because my hormones are all crazy during shark week, it will often heighten my nightmares, and this is the worst one about Michael I had ever had, and I STILL feel sick, even after laying down for a few hours. I can't get the image of his supposedly dead body out of my head.

as if I wasn't already afraid of strangers...
  • Playing: The Sims 4
  • Drinking: arizona mango juice
so, just to let everyone know who doesn't know, I don't answer PMs immediately after I receive one like I used to before my ban. actually, since my ban lasted so long, I didn't have PMs to answer, so I grew used to the silence. now, when I see one, it makes me feel anxious, so I haven't been answering them when I see them, I end up waiting awhile until I can get myself to open them. I get a lot of PMs. so if you send me one, and I don't reply for weeks at a time, I'm not ignoring you. if it's urgent, please leave a comment telling me that you need me to read your PM ASAP.

honestly, I've done the same thing with my email for the last seven years. actually, I once went so long without signing in to my email, the address had to be renewed due to inactivity, and I lost ALL of my saved mail. stupid AOL buying out netscape...
  • Playing: The Sims 4
  • Drinking: water
I've become aware some time ago that some people stopped reading muffins because it became more unrealistic with how powerful the bakers are, specifically with "let's welcome chaos." but I have a question for those people...

as a decently talented writer, why would I, all of a sudden, make a choice in writing that's usually a bad one? making characters more powerful than ANYONE? making them succeed at EVERYTHING? I mean, who are they, Sosuke Aizen? or like... any DBZ enemy ever? when has my writing ever gone in that direction and ended poorly?

i'll say this: a good writer always has a reason for his/her choices in the storyline. choices that are necessary for the plot, the climax, and the conclusion. it's up to you, as the reader, to know and understand how the author writes, and when something seems off, it's up to you to either stop reading, or have faith in the author and keep reading to find out why they made that choice. you will not know the answer until the end.

I don't mind if people have stopped reading muffins just because like... you got bored of it (like me and the twilight series), or it was just a phase (like me and the twilight series), or some other LOGICAL and non self centered reason. but the two things I hate is when people literally stop reading just because it's been a long time between releases, or they stop reading because of what I just mentioned above. it really shows poorly on your character, as well as displays an incredibly low passion for reading. now, I'm not a super awesome fantastical writer, and muffins isn't turn of the century, nor is it the best of my abilities (well, some parts are). there are some fans who would disagree and say it's the best series ever, and I'm all like, "really? what else have you read?" maybe it's better than I think it is simply because I absolutely MUST tell myself that everything I do is a piece of shit. but still, to stop reading because a FICTIONAL story has become too unrealistic? one with magic, talking ponies, and a society that has been so peaceful for so long, they are not prepared, nor trained for such evil villains? I have kept a lot of realistic elements, sort of mixing the MLP universe with our own. but the bottom line is, this is fiction. and even in the canon universe, Pinkie Pie can and HAS done absolutely impossible and unrealistic things. then you have three other ponies blood related to her... I'm toying with the kind of universe I never have before; not even the Harry Potter universe is so malleable. so this reason to stop reading isn't just illogical... it's stupid.

I cannot force you to start reading again if this was your reason for quitting, but I can tell you that you should feel very silly about it. you should feel REALLY stupid. do I have to mention Sosuke Aizen again? just... seriously, make sure you have all of your eggs in one basket before you fucking throw them at me.

speaking of Sosuke Aizen, I'm sick and tired of seeing people's OCs being called "mary sue." if the definition of a mary sue is, "perfect, all powerful, no flaws, never fails," then, by that logic, almost EVERY MAIN PROTAGONIST AND ANTAGONIST IN PROFESSIONAL WORKS IS A MARY SUE. I always thought mary sue meant "plain," like... generic, simple, and just like any old character... like a plain jane. I think it USED to mean that, but suddenly it means any character that has personality or creativity behind it, and just happens to be overpowered... like Sosuke Aizen, Kurosaki Ichigo, that one Fullbringer at the end of Bleach (I HAAAAAAAAAATE HIM!!!!!!!!) or Ash Ketchum (minus the never winning a league), countless Pokémon, Yagami Light, Voldemort, many DBZ characters, that girl from Fruits Basket who, for some reason, I can't remember the name of because it's been so long, my beloved Hannibal Lecter, many video game characters like Dante, Sonic, Mario, a lot of Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter characters (curse you, M. Bison!!!!), and many, MANY more!! even wrestling characters like John Cena, Roman Reigns, Kane, Undertaker, Randy Orton sometimes, etc. ALL MARY SUE. ALL COPYRIGHTED CHARACTERS. IN REALLY GOOD MEDIA... sometimes. wrestling is kind of iffy when storylines are just... just awful...

from the way I see it, "mary sue" is just another way to harass other artists online for one reason or another. if you don't like the way a character is designed, written, or whatever your beef is, then just get over it, keep it to yourself, and move on... unless it's that fucking Fullbringer at the end of Bleach. what's his name? *looks it up* TSUKISHIMA SHUKURO!!! FUCK YOU, TSUKISHIMA!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!!! I HATE the Fullbringer arc more than the Bount arc!!! the whole time, I was saying, "you can't be more powerful than Aizen! YOU CAN'T BE MORE POWERFUL THAN FUCKING AIZEN!!!"

anyway... so I know my fans and reitannites aren't these idiots. XD I also know that this is another one of my Reitanna-complains-about-small-things-as-if-they-were-big-things rants, but you'd be surprised about how toxic than small things can turn into if they sit in my mind long enough. another thing I wish I could control. it's like... it's like if I stopped reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows as soon as it was revealed that Voldemort could fly without a broom...

Yer a wizard Harry.
  • Playing: The Sims 4
  • Drinking: water
I'm sorry, but not everyone gets a happy childhood, not everyone has loving parents, and not everyone grows up properly to be healthy, functioning adults. I'd love to trade you. then you could have all of my nightmares. you could have my flashbacks. you could have all of my problems. and I'd be free. I'm as responsible as I know how to be, but with some of us, we can't control how immature we are. some of us didn't get a chance to be a child. some of us lost our innocence so young, that's what we thought childhood was SUPPOSED to be like. for some of us, it's too late. you can't teach an old dog new tricks. the fact that I am able to recognize my immaturity is a strength. but you accuse me of being childish as if I choose to be, and that I enjoy it. I enjoy cartoons, video games, toys, stuffed animals, cute clothes, and cute things. I do not enjoy being afraid of people taller than me, I do not enjoy being so sensitive, I do not enjoy being unable to handle criticism, I do not enjoy having panic attacks every time I'm faced with legal paperwork. please trade me, you blessed soul. please give me your perfect childhood, your perfect parents, and your healthy mind. please erase my memories. please do anything but act like I chose this.

but you know what? no matter how immature I am, no matter how ill I am, I'd much rather be me than someone like you who enjoys triggering people with PTSD and making them cry, forcing them to remember that they were never loved. I've had nightmares every single night since I moved, making this the longest "nightmare" season I've ever had. being back in Idaho may be causing it, or it could be coincidence. either way, I try to be the best person I can be, I am nice to anyone who has not been unkind first, I am a loyal friend, I've saved many people from suicide, I've helped people who are in the same situations I was, some not as bad, some WAY worse. I've never done drugs, I don't drink, I stayed in school and did something neither of my parents did: graduated high school. I've accomplished things they did not, things that I didn't think I was capable of. and though circumstances have led me to be even more afraid of the outside world, it doesn't mean I'm a failure, even though mommy told me I always would be. even though my father once said I'd become pregnant at sixteen. even though my father's mother told me I would get raped, used, and abused by men and have to come to her begging for money.

no. I have been with the most caring, selfless, kind, and affectionate man for over almost eight years (I said nine once, I can't math, but my boyfriend can), we've been living together nearly the entire time, I have never needed to ask my family for money, we pay rent, I pay student loans from COLLEGE, which my parents never went to either, we take care of our child like he were human, and we successfully moved to a better place, a place where we can afford to see movies in theaters, a place where we can finally go on dates and eat out together, a place where we can do all of the things new couples usually do. we went to see a movie a week or so ago, and it was the first time in our entire relationship that we've EVER gotten to do that. we're soon going to go to the courthouse and get our marriage license. I take medication every day to suppress mania, depression, and anxiety symptoms, as well as to get to sleep. my life is a daily struggle, but I STILL am succeeding at things, I'm still fighting every day, I'm still trying to help myself within the best of my limited abilities. I still do my best to help people who I empathize with, and I don't empathize with many people very well. I love so hard because I never got love. and still, I have never sought escape through illegal or harmful means.

I don't say any of this for pity or sympathy, and unlike I usually do, I don't say this as a plea for you to understand. no, this time, I say this to show you that, despite my struggles, despite my problems, despite EVERYTHING, I'd rather be me than you. I am better than you. I am stronger than you, even with my weaknesses. and you know what? people like me are better than you. people NOT like me, people who are like my best friend and my boyfriend are better than you. I've met CHILDREN you are better than you. I've met people who literally have endured so much more hell than me, I feel sick just thinking about it, that they don't deserve it, things that should NEVER happen to ANYONE, things that god let happen for his/her sick amusement... and they are better than you. and we're all proud to not be you. you are a fool. how dare you blame me for things I cannot control, things I would literally give both of my legs to cure. there is no cure. there may never will be. I'm not a saint, but I'm the best me that is within my control. and I am SO much better than you.

"It is not our abilities that show what we truly are... it is our choices."

"All you can do in life is try your hardest. If you still can't please them, then they're not worth having in your life."

Go ahead and pray to your god for forgiveness. I guarantee he/she will listen, but he/she will simply laugh and continue watching his/her creatures destroy each other. because to him/her, child abuse, rape, murder, torture, and illnesses with no cure, illnesses that we did not cause ourselves are funny. fucking hilarious. there are sickos out there who rape babies. infants. creatures that have not had the chance to even learn right from wrong. think about that and answer me this: where is your god?

  • Drinking: water
so... there was a mass stabbing here... not here as in MY apartment complex, but here as in in boise. it happened on sunday I think? it was at a low-income apartment complex for refugees, and this guy from LA California (GO FIGURE) attacked... oh, you'll love this, all you people who think there's good in everyone... this guy attacked a three year old girl's birthday party! there were 9 critically wounded, six of them children, including the birthday girl, and guess what? SHE DIED! a three year old girl on her birthday got stabbed and died in the hospital while good people were trying to save her. A TODDLER. DIED. ON HER BIRTHDAY. BECAUSE SHE WAS STABBED.

apparently the guy isn't a refugee, but he was living at the apartment complex for a short time before he was kicked out. they haven't said why he was kicked out, but I'm guessing it's because he pretended to be a refugee and they found out he wasn't, OR he was violent and disruptive. this guy's got a long criminal history, and apparently has been travelling through states since earlier this year. the dick isn't even talking. they ask him if he understands what he did wrong, and he says, "I don't understand none of this, sir." except he's perfectly coherent, he's not showing signs of not being in his right mind.

when I was in California, from age 10 to 27, I used to say, "I don't remember people being this horrible in Idaho." was it just because I was a kid and didn't understand? but for the short time I've lived here, despite this being a red state (boise, however, is a lot more progressive), everyone is so nice, complete strangers start conversations with each other, even on the bus. I had never seen a bus with so few people so talkative. now, I'm not saying everyone in Idaho is a saint, and everyone in California is a monster, because that's not true. in fact, the crime rate in boise vs. san diego are relatively close in numbers. but that's the san diego COUNTY, I never lived in san diego city. the rates for both were very reasonable, below the national average, san diego county being 15% lower, and boise being 8%. that's a county vs. a city. LA is 13% HIGHER than the national average. I lived in the city of Poway, and the crime rate is a whopping 61% lower than the national average.

of course, that's counting the crime rate itself, not for specifically violent crimes like these. according to the articles I've read about the stabbing, this is the largest violent crime that's ever happened in boise history. it makes me laugh, but not because I'm happy. it makes me laugh because a guy killed a three year old on her birthday (or technically the day after since she was hospitalized). no, I'm not happy for that, either. I think it's funny that the guy had the ability to choose to stab children and their families enjoying a happy occasion. I think it's funny that ALL of us have that choice. I think it's funny because evil like this exists "under god." this child died, and the other five children are so injured, their entire lives will be forever altered.

listen, god? if you want people to know you're not a good guy/girl, you've got to start destroying some churches, and not with humans, either. I'm talking natural disasters. because you've been doing this human thing for a long ass time, and people still think you're good. I mean, you HAVE been trying to tell us you're bad, right? trying to get our attention and tell us to stop referring to you as our shepherd? or do you think it's funny? not the same kind of funny I think it is... do you think it's "ha ha" funny? are you happy that you took a three year old girl away from her family forever? and you've been doing a LOT of shitty stuff in the world as of late, but people are stupider than you made them, you've gotta TELL us that we can't count on you...

or maybe I'm talking to nothing.
  • Drinking: water
when you're on the computer, and you copy some text or something, do you ever feel like your mouse is actually CARRYING something? like physically, and when you paste it, the mouse is no longer carrying anything. I've always felt like that for many years.

if they're gonna force us to use low flow toilets, at least make the hole everything goes down bigger.

they say not to clean your ears with Q-tips because you could damage your ear drum... but what moron sticks a Q-tip STRAIGHT INTO THE EAR?? you're supposed to clean the areas AROUND the ear hole thingie! I still use them because I know what I'm doing.

what if "real life" is the dream, and dreaming is actually real life?

why do people use an eggplant emoji to represent the penis? do they know how big eggplants are? if you can fit one of those giant berries up your vagina, childbirth must be easy, but I bet sex sucks.

speaking of genetalia, I always thought it was funny that "penis" and "vagina" are considered naughty words... but they're the scientific terms.

so, Trump made friends with one of the world's most dangerous dictators, Kim Jun-Un.... he said that Jun-Un fired one of his staff members... I'm not sure if he understands what it means to be "fired" in North Korea by their psychotic leader. He seems blissfully unaware that the word "fire" will be preceded with the words "ready" and "aim."

The sun is dangerous. heat is dangerous. we learned this stuff in school. so why do schools insist on forcing kids, who have much more sensitive bodies, to do rigorous athletic activity when the sun is at its highest and it's hotter than hell?

what the hell are pineapples? they're fruit, obviously, but they're so... weird... delicious, but so different than all the other fruits.

if we're so concerned about starving kids in Africa, why don't we send them food?

Dear Canada... not ALL Americans are bad, please don't judge all of us based on the actions of our leaders... we still want to be allies.

pink used to be a "boy color."

so... since Harry was a Horcrux, shouldn't that mean that EVERYONE he's EVER been around would've been put in irrational, bad moods like when they wore Slytherin's locket?

in the Pokémon anime, it's been established that Pokémon do indeed level up. in the games, the max level is 100. wouldn't that mean that Ash's Pikachu is maxed out by now? why does he even lose some of his battles? and moreover, why are Team Rocket still interested in him?

as a follow up... in the anime, did people name the Pokémon after what they said? or did people invent the names and the Pokémon started saying them? either way, SOMEONE is pronouncing "Charizard" wrong.

safety pins aren't really all that safe.

do plants think?

people are worried about the extinction of the honey bee... when they're the ones killing the flowers.

"ignorance is bliss." yes it is... because most people are ignorant as to what that phrase means, seeing as how no one seems to know that there's a second part that negates the meaning.

how do you tell someone you don't care about their artwork nicely? like, when they want to share all this stuff with you, and you just keep smiling and nodding like you understand back stories of their characters and shit... but you just want to say, "I don't care." that's rude... but you shouldn't pretend to care, because that's lying.

on a related note... that moment where you see someone who can't draw and you want to tell them their drawing looks like shit... and then you remember that that's really mean.

if a popular YouTuber constantly violates the guidelines, they don't get banned like a smaller channel would. why? because that popular YouTuber is making money, and if they banned them for breaking the rules, they'd go bankrupt. logic.
  • Drinking: water
there's an art thief who stole many of my own drawings. it seems 90% of her gallery is filled with stolen art and screenshots from cartoons and movies. go through her gallery, and if you see something that's yours, report her and file a DMCA takedown notice. if you recognize someone else's art, notify the original artist immediately.

I'm going to give her a chance to take my stuff down by choice. if she does not comply, I will take legal action myself. she also speaks Spanish, very little English it seems, so if you speak Spanish, let her know just how you feel about her stealing other people's hard work. I am so SICK and tired of people like this. why can't we all just be good and honest?

  • Listening to: my boyfriend watching NXT
  • Eating: salt water taffy
  • Drinking: arizona tea
kudos to anyone who gets the title reference.

anyway, I just fixed some permissions for the reitannite group and muffins group, so people should be allowed to submit to almost all folders. there are a couple folders that only I can submit to, as they are for official content, such as the actual muffins stories, Reitanna fiction, and my soap box. if there are still problems... well, I dunno how to fix them. I was only able to fix these because of a tutorial recommended to me by someone... don't remember their screen name... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
  • Drinking: water
fuckin... I don't know who to blame, NVIDIA or Twitch! I just WASTED four hours of my fucking day streaming Doki Doki Literature Club, FOUR HOURS that could've been productive, BUT NO. THE VIDEO HAS NO FUCKING SOUND. my mic is plugged in, my settings are set to what they always are, I can hear ANYTHING else, but FUCK. FUCKING LET'S PLAY HAS NO FUCKING SOUND. FOUR HOURS. I am SO MAD. it was funny! it was entertaining! it was an attempt to get my channel back on track! NO. THAT CAN'T HAPPEN. I want to yell at someone, I want to chew them out. again, I dunno if it's NVIDIA or Twitch! YOU RUINED MY FUCKING STREAM!! today was supposed to be a GOOD DAY. AND NOW I HAVE A USELESS VIDEO UPLOADED ON MY USELESS TWITCH CHANNEL THAT JUST PROVES THAT EVERYTHING I DO IS USELESS. why do I even try? why do I try to have fun or be happy? it all just falls apart anyway! FUCK! it's been a long time since I've wanted to just rage and break things, BUT THIS DIDN'T NEED TO HAPPEN! everything is as it always has been! there's no fucking reason for there not to be sound! FOUR FUCKING HOURS WITHOUT ANY BREAKS. maybe that's the universe telling me not to play that game. I don't know why! I already have seen it played! I know what happens, I know the secrets, all the endings, the theories! it's not like I don't KNOW what the game is about! I can't get that time back! a lot of energy went into that recording! I FUCKING HATE TECHNOLOGY RIGHT NOW! I bet it's Twitch. I bet it's fucking Twitch. Twitch fucking SUCKS. it's broken! it never does what I tell it to! download your stream? nope. cut it into fifteen minute videos when exporting to youtube? nope. export to youtube? yeah, but you have to LOG IN TO THE TWITCH HELP CENTER FIRST, BECAUSE APPARENTLY BEING LOGGED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT ISN'T THE SAME THING. maybe I shouldn't stream! ever again! NEVER! FUCK! THE LITTLE THINGS! THAT'S ALL I ASK! CAN'T I JUST HAVE THE LITTLE THINGS?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!!!!!!!!!! as soon as I figure out whose fault this is, I'M GOING OFF ON THEM. I AM SO PISSED RIGHT NOW. AND WRITING THIS JOURNAL ISN'T EVEN HELPING!!!


look. I have every right to be angry and express it. it's not hurting anyone. KdogTop actually hit the nail on the head, and I appreciate that comment so much, I featured it. what do you think happens when you keep your emotions inside? you'll end up hurting yourself, someone else, or start destroying property. when I was a teenager, I also was conditioned to believe we had to not express our emotions. I was also not on medication. guess what? I put holes through walls. I broke picture frames. I clawed at my skin with these deadly things:
Heart Gloves by Reitanna-Seishin

sorry, that's the only picture I could quickly find that even remotely shows how long my nails used to be. so what did I do last night? stared at my soundless video in disbelief. tried desperately to find out if I could restore it. figured out there was no reason for it to have done that. put my head in my hands. raged in a journal. laid down with mike and cried. then I took my rat into the closet to play and cuddle, ate dinner, and went to bed. nothing is destroyed, and no one is hurt. telling me to "take a chill pill" is the stupidest thing anyone could say. like I said, I'm ALLOWED to be angry. we are human beings, and we have emotions. they are the driving force behind everything we do. society tells us to bottle up our sadness and anger, and in worse case scenarios, that creates criminal behavior, or at least boost it. regardless, it creates DANGEROUS behavior. if you need to cry, fucking cry. if you need to vent, fucking vent. because otherwise it's just going to fester inside of you until the bottle breaks. I think a paragraph of angry text with swears and capitalized words is pretty harmless, don't you? I needed to yell, but you can't exactly yell in an apartment. you know. WITH NEIGHBORS? I think it pretty shitty of people to tell me to calm down. today, I'm still very pissed about it, and I don't know what to do, but at least I'm calm, and at least I don't feel like breaking things. the journal helped me yell, but it was the cry and rat therapy that REALLY helped. I'd say the journal didn't help me feel better, but I feel like, if I hadn't written it, I wouldn't have cried, and that's what I needed.

so instead of telling me to relax, how about you either express your own hatred for technology, or maybe even say, "that sucks." but I never asked for any advice on how to deal with my emotions. there's a reason I haven't self harmed in nearly two years, and it's not just my medication. it's because I'm not like all the sheep who believe they need to show the emotional level of a shovel. my medication just makes it so my emotions don't get out of control, making me feel them ten times more than I should. if you see someone venting, and you can't say anything civil, stay out of it. don't comment. actually, I would've disabled comments on this journal if I had the option.

maybe y'all need to have a little explosion once in awhile, or maybe even a good cry. just go cry. if more people cried when they needed to, we wouldn't torture each other and make fun of each other for feeling anything other than happiness. men have it the worst. society says men CAN'T show emotions, otherwise they're not masculine. I wish I could change the world, but I can't, or I would've done it already.

that does remind me though, my nails are getting WAY too long.
I am now in boise, Idaho, and MAN, this place is pretty! the grass is actually green, there are real leaves on trees, WE SAW A DUCK LAST NIGHT, it rained like three times, and the air smells SOOOO fresh! you can even drink the tap water!! we are actually on the third floor, which is hell on my knees AND my paranoia (I have trouble going down stairs ever since my friend nearly pushed me down an escalator), but the apartment is NOICE! lots of storage space, living room and bedroom are very spacey, there are bike racks (I'm suggesting to mike that we get a pair of bikes for short distance travel), and it seems there's a private garden area with plots for each apartment. I'm not really a gardener though. :/ Jerry did REALLY well on the trip up here, we're proud of him, and he seems really happy with the fresh air coming through when we open the windows. having natural light illuminating the place is also just... just so relaxing... we still have to wait until all of our stuff gets here, so it's really empty, but we only have to wait a week.

mike just went to work. we checked out the walgreens yesterday, and it's pretty nice. I just hope the employees there are nice. poor babe was crying because he made friends at his old store that he's going to miss. I don't blame him, really. it was really hard saying goodbye to sempai, but it's not like it's goodbye forever.

we walked like two miles yesterday to see what's around, and there's quite a bit of stuff. me and my fat ass and torn ankle tendon did not have fun walking, and I got a huge blister on my toe, but that's what happens when you're depressed and indulge in your addictions. sugar may be more addictive than cocaine, but I'd rather be addicted to the sweet stuff than the latter. I've got to work on my sleeping habits too, though yesterday I woke up at 11 (10 pacific time) and felt pretty damn good, whereas before I was sleeping in until between 2 and 5 in the afternoon. I started shark week last night though, so it's not time to work on fixing those habits quite yet.

I'm also gonna shave my head again. this bald spot on my scalp is not going to look any better with the rest of my hair, so I may's well give my scalp an even playing field. I need to work on not pulling so I can have hair worthy of being shown in public without a hat to hide it, maybe I can even start coloring it again. I also am going to try harder to not pick my skin. that might be harder than not pulling my hair, but if I ever want to feel confident in my appearance, it needs to be done. and I should be allowed to like how I look, right? "no, Reitanna," says the assholes, "because if you have any confidence, that means you're self centered and narcissistic!" self esteem and narcissism are not the same things. so sorry if I want to be able to show my face on youtube again. sorry, I'm being bitchy, blame Aunt Flow.

let's see... there are candy stores, there is a thrift store where all the proceeds go to animal rescues, there's a small zoo, movies here are SO CHEAP!!! Michael went to see the avengers infinite war for.... *drumroll* EIGHT. DOLLARS. on a sunday! avocados are expensive here, but potatoes are cheap. I wonder why. it's because avocados grow well in hot, dry places like SoCal, and Idaho is the potato state.

not sure what else I have to say ATM. but I feel good. it's not an overwhelming excitement that you get when things are too good to be true, it's a content feeling, relaxing, like I can finally take a breath and let it out slowly without dropping a ton of shit put on my shoulders. I left all that shit in shithole SoCal. oh! and EGGS! eggs and milk! SO CHEAP!! food is taxed, but the tax rate here is only 6%, and there's no CRV for drinks. in California, the tax rate is up to 10% now, I think. okay, NOW that's all I have to say. if anything really neat happens, i'll be sure to write about it, whether people care or not. XD
  • Listening to: birds outside the window :3
  • Playing: The Sims 4
  • Drinking: water