It was Monday when it happened, and it actually happened a long time ago. I meant to write about it immediately but it didn’t feel right. I gave in to duty and responsibility and I focused on things that seemed to matter to me, but the only thing that mattered was actually a second of that Monday. I forgot it right away. Actually, I consumed it. I wanted to relive that moment so badly that I devoured it, every move, and every gesture, everything that could ever be painted in the air, with my eyes closed. I had never felt so alive for a long time; I had never felt my heart beating like that before. I was trembling and could not control my own body. I could have looked at him forever, but I knew it wasn’t proper. I looked away, everywhere else, but my eyes kept on turning back to the main point of focus and it hit me so hard as if a second of eye contact felt like falling out of the universe, as if a wide blue sky went right through me with the speed of light and left me damaged. As if broken radios, bad frequencies, the highest and most hunting ones were stuck in my head and setting free an alarm that was never meant to ring... but it felt quick, calm, peaceful, even if my heart was racing as if towards death. I felt the relaxed knee shaking so I straightened both of my legs, fixed them violently in the ground hoping they won’t move again. But it wasn’t just in my legs; it went through my whole body. It took just a second, I couldn’t enjoy it more, not the cause – but the effect was still there as if I was desperately trying to fly out of a glass jar. The sound of that voice was simply broken, so slow and repetitive that it felt incoherent but I was so eager to know what was a meaning of a sentence expressed in such a calm, slow nervousness.
There’s no picture in my head now, nothing else I can remember except of how it felt. But I want to see it again. I’ll never be able to. I don’t know him. And I don’t want to. He’s a nothing and I’m a greater nothing. I just want to remember… but my brain is playing tricks on me because… all that smoke and the blue sweater – I can see those in detail. The pallor and the blue details of those two caged universes turned my world upside down.
You’re a metaphor that I’ve yet to consume and from that perspective I suppose you are my failure. Your persistent lingering in my head is the broken string of my existence. You’re not the reason why I long for the cleansing of my sin, of my tainted self… but I wish you were. Will you? Will you be more than the sky above my head, more than the clouds inside my mind, more than a mere regret of idleness? You terrify me.