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About Deviant Marc McKenzieMale/United States Group :iconagu-fanclub: AGU-FanClub
 
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Deviant for 11 Years
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Statistics 410 Deviations 3,174 Comments 80,872 Pageviews
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Blade Maid 2018 2 by RedShoulder Blade Maid 2018 2 :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 5 3 Blade Maid 2018 by RedShoulder Blade Maid 2018 :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 8 3 V-Day 2019 color by RedShoulder V-Day 2019 color :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 9 2 Medusa by RedShoulder Medusa :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 8 3 Oni Ladies Color by RedShoulder Oni Ladies Color :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 9 3 Happy Valentine's Day 2019 by RedShoulder Happy Valentine's Day 2019 :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 16 10 Female Oni 2018 by RedShoulder Female Oni 2018 :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 20 7 Oni Ladies Drawing by RedShoulder Oni Ladies Drawing :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 12 4 Close couple color by RedShoulder Close couple color :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 7 3 Alicia wuz here color by RedShoulder Alicia wuz here color :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 53 6 The Good Witch 2017-2018 color by RedShoulder The Good Witch 2017-2018 color :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 11 4 Learning A Spell by RedShoulder Learning A Spell :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 9 3 Sailor Moon and Scouts complete by RedShoulder Sailor Moon and Scouts complete :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 120 17 Sailor Moon and Scouts by RedShoulder Sailor Moon and Scouts :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 7 0 Teeana by RedShoulder Teeana :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 4 3 Cammy and Crimson Viper by RedShoulder Cammy and Crimson Viper :iconredshoulder:RedShoulder 35 2

Favourites

Atmos by TheBakaArts Atmos :iconthebakaarts:TheBakaArts 590 23 The Cauldron by GrahamTG The Cauldron :icongrahamtg:GrahamTG 304 8 Eyes Forward. Eyes on the Horizon. by Rookie425 Eyes Forward. Eyes on the Horizon. :iconrookie425:Rookie425 426 30 Keyblade Wielder Shantae by AniMana21 Keyblade Wielder Shantae :iconanimana21:AniMana21 297 28 Erika pin-up by Ambris Erika pin-up :iconambris:Ambris 923 46 OC Commission by Ambris OC Commission :iconambris:Ambris 417 23 Poison Ivy Cosplay by Naomi by wbmstr Poison Ivy Cosplay by Naomi :iconwbmstr:wbmstr 138 3 Red Sonja by Jacqueline Goehner 2018 - II by wbmstr Red Sonja by Jacqueline Goehner 2018 - II :iconwbmstr:wbmstr 308 5 Poison Ivy Cosplay by Bukkit Brown by wbmstr Poison Ivy Cosplay by Bukkit Brown :iconwbmstr:wbmstr 293 16 Solar sisters by dishwasher1910 Solar sisters :icondishwasher1910:dishwasher1910 2,980 194 Azula (Skuddbutt) Blender Files by Anfrien Azula (Skuddbutt) Blender Files :iconanfrien:Anfrien 196 26 Parasol Girl Honolulu - AzurLane Commission by raikoart Parasol Girl Honolulu - AzurLane Commission :iconraikoart:raikoart 4,664 95 Naunet ~ Egyptian Gods by Yliade Naunet ~ Egyptian Gods :iconyliade:Yliade 1,989 61 Breathe (remake) by yuumei Breathe (remake) :iconyuumei:yuumei 5,155 56 Raven WG Drive from Twitter - 1pt by CozyNakovich Raven WG Drive from Twitter - 1pt :iconcozynakovich:CozyNakovich 1,706 16 Talon BSLS 2 by BlackTalonArts Talon BSLS 2 :iconblacktalonarts:BlackTalonArts 395 67
I haven't put up a journal entry in quite a while--more like since last year--so it's time for a update.

I left 2018 in a state that could only be called, well, being content.  I was just glad to be alive, to have some money in the bank (courtesy of a seasonal job), and to see my niece turn one year older and also realize just how much she's grown, and that my family and friends for the most part were still here.

Yet the biggest change I saw was in myself.  I'll explain that one.

For many years I pretty much hated myself.  Many didn't see it at all; only a couple of friends and close family members could tell that there was a lot of self-hatred that manifested itself in bouts of depression and harsh self-judgement.  The source of these things goes back much further and so I'm not going to get into it here--truth be told I already went over it during therapy sessions some years back.

So what changed during the last months of 2018?  Quite a bit.

For one thing, at the job I worked at, I found myself interacting with many members of the opposite sex--okay, women.  One thing that I always took myself apart for was that I was pretty much a flop with them (and obviously me not being in a relationship for years is a blinking red light).  I wasn't good enough, wasn't attractive enough, and came across as being too...well, odd.  It also didn't help that I had bad timing and just always kept missing the boat because I just felt that I wasn't worthy enough (but not to worry, there's no danger of me becoming an incel).  And due to me being someone who does art, I tend to be solitary, at home in front of my computer or my art desk.

But at the job, something happened.  And it was thanks to someone who apparently took an interest in me.  I can't remember when it started, but before I knew it (because you never see these things coming) a friendship blossomed.  That and the fact that the signs were present that--shock and horror!--she did like me (to what extent I'm not sure, but better to not assume).  Not just with her, but with others, although with her...one wonders if it was something more.  I can honestly say that while I pushed aside any thoughts of romance--I had to, since she was in a relationship--the things she and another co-worker told me about what they thought of me started to shatter that fortress I had built up around myself for years.  The fact that she always put me at ease whenever I thought I had done something wrong helped a lot (and to be fair, she was pretty up-front with her feelings if she felt that someone ticked her off--and that never happened to me).

If anything, something else was renewed--confidence, for that matter, and me actually showing off my cooking skills to my co-workers (yes, I do cook!).  What was happening was that I was being myself, and somehow that made me stand out--at least, that's how another friend explained it.

As a result, I entered 2019 with the desire to get more comfortable in my own skin.  That means accepting who I am, flaws and all.  I'm a work in progress, as we all are.  But I also had to change a lot of beliefs I had foolishly accepted about people in general.  This is not going to be an easy thing to do--it's work, it's something that I have to do every day, and I realize I may fall off the wagon at times.  I also have to remember to expect nothing--better to do that than to expect something only to face defeat and sadness.  I'm a lot more patient about things not going the way I had hoped--if something didn't work out, well, okay, life's full of those moments but it's nothing to lose your head over.  I also have come to realize that despite all the good points people say that I have, I'm not going to make everyone's list--but that's fine, and I accept that.  What they say about how changing your thoughts changes your world is true--and it also helps to be introspective and consider the consequences of your actions, but be careful, since you can get stuck there sometimes.  But I do know that the 2019 version of me is not going to be the 2018 version (or any previous year, for that matter).

As for my friend from work...well, we still keep in touch through messaging although we have not seen each other over the past couple of months.  I still think about her and yes, I do miss seeing her (and she's told me the same thing).  I do hope that when we do get to hang out we can have a good and honest talk about how things are between us and...what exactly are we to each other?

I'm not expecting anything, but I am curious to find out the answers, whatever they may be.  Whatever happens, though, I'm just grateful that she came into my life; years ago one person pretty much wrecked my self-esteem and spirit, and now years later one person--actually, a handful of people--have helped to rebuild both.  I have no idea what the rest of this year will bring, but I'm feeling that I can face it head-on.

Here's to being comfortable in my own skin.
  • Listening to: Nothing
  • Reading: Lovecraft Country; The Hot Zone
  • Watching: Alien; Gundam UC
  • Playing: Destiny 2; COD: Modern Warfare Remastered
  • Eating: Nothing
  • Drinking: Coffee

deviantID

RedShoulder
Marc McKenzie
United States
Current Residence: Hillsborough, New Jersey
deviantWEAR sizing preference: 900
Favourite genre of music: Hard rock, movie soundtracks, jazz
Favourite photographer: Annie Leibowitz (sic)
Favourite style of art: Manga-influenced, science fiction and fantasy
Operating System: Windows
MP3 player of choice: NA
Shell of choice: NA
Wallpaper of choice: NA
Skin of choice: NA
Favourite cartoon character: Daffy Duck
Personal Quote: "Every drawing has to be struggle if it is going to be any good."--Robert Fawcett
Interests

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:iconlatestarter63:
LateStarter63 Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2019  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Than you very much for the 'Watch', Marc.
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:icongrizzlydafurry:
Grizzlydafurry Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2019  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks 4 by Grizzlydafurry  
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:iconelee0228:
elee0228 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2019
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:iconstarfire-productions:
Starfire-Productions Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2019  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Maria thanks you for the +fav on 'The Condolier' :) (Smile)
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:iconx1commander:
X1Commander Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the faves!
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:iconchow11:
chow11 Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2018
How was your birthday
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:iconredshoulder:
RedShoulder Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2018
It was a quiet one, Chow...and sadly, I didn't get any cake. :)

(But to be fair, I didn't miss it)
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:iconchow11:
chow11 Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2018
Oh that sucks.

Can I asked you if you are still working on my krystal space suit per5
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:iconsovereign64:
Sovereign64 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Happy birthday! :party: :cake:
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:iconredshoulder:
RedShoulder Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2018
Thanks!
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