Ok wow i had no idea my last journal post was from 2013. Yikes.
Well lets see i got married, moved to BC, moved back. Then moved to BC, then back, then to Grande Prairie and now back to my home town.
I have been going through some interesting things with myself. Im not sure who in my family follows me on here. I know my lovely wife does, but that makes it tough for me to decide if i should share what is going on with me.
well they will all find out at some point. so here goes.
for the longest time (like high school time) I have always felt out of place. kinda like a zebra trapped in a group of lions. kinda itchy in my own skin. I just figured that was how everyone felt. so i tried to learn to live with it. But this proved harder to do than I thought it would. It caused me to become anti social except with certain friends. friends that it took time to get close to. but it wasnt enough, I became suicidal and to a point i still am. friends helped but it never ended the pain i felt. Lucky for me i was able to push through it. fast forward to my first serious girl friend and things seemed pretty good, but the feeling was still there. The feeling of being incomplete in my own skin. i had no idea what it was. It wasnt till my girl friend at the time wanted to go to pride but she thought it would be fun if the guys in our group went in drag. Me being me at the time figured sure why not. I had no idea how much of an influence on me it would have. once i had the dress on and makeup on and saw myself in the mirror i felt complete for the first time in a long time. I felt my muscles loosen and it felt like a weight was gone. The feeling last all day. But then reality hit me the next day. Back to my jeans and being a guy. I just brushed it off as it was just the new experience bug hitting me.
Now fast forward to my days in college. I was single and it was Halloween. I was also an art student so I was kinda able to dress or act odd and it was treated as "hes in the art program". Anyways the theme for Halloween was rocky horror show. now i dont have the body to sport fishnets and a garter belt, but i figured a vash coat, heels elbow high gloves and red fishnets could work. For me it did only this time i had some help from my sister who did my makeup and hair. I looked much better than the first time and again i felt the rush of stress leaving me. Again the feeling was short lived but now I had a better understanding of why. for the longest time i thought I must be Trans and was stuck with either one or the other, male or female. But I had no idea that there were other people that were the same as me. Now i havent been to a therapist so this is me just guessing but I honestly think that im not transgender but rather genderfluid. Its a term i had never heard of before so im still new to it, but it does seem to describe me pretty well.
Well that journal was much longer than i thought it would be. If you don't want to follow me because of it that's fine. but to everyone else thanks for reading. i just needed to get it out there.