so i have a lot of tattoos in mind, i cant upload any cause most of them are based off others and or i am having my artist redraw them for me. but a few weeks ago i went to the parlor where i got my first, to check out prices, with two friends. one of my friends had a twin that died when they were born, and she is getting a tattoo for her. it made me realize just how important a lost family member is. the truth is that i almost didn't make it when i was young. truth is, more kids before me didn't make it at all.
my mom has serious family problems when she was young and ended up having my brother and sister at 15 seven-eight years later she tried again and had me. I'm not gonna call me a miracle. i was born early with jaundice, others have had worse. my brother is a dwarf and spent his first two years in the hospital. so i was lucky. but between those seven years, my mom and dad tried to have more kids. those kids didn't make it. i don't like making my mom or dad talk about them, so i cant remember if it was four or 6, but i know they were all twins. i know my mom and dad are over it, and it wouldn't hurt them to talk about it, but no one, no matter how long it was, wants to talk about their dead kids. but after the visit to the parlor, and hearing my friend, i realized how important they were. my mom and dad dint want a lot of kids. so after my brother and sister, they wanted one more, two if it was twins (twins run in the family), and that was it. so if the first pair made it, the second (or third, like i said i cant remember), nor me would be here. but my parents tried again, and lost the first set. i cant imagine how hard it must have been, and i don't think i would have tried again personally, but they did (I'm fairly positive it was two sets, cause i remember my mom says i was third charm), and lost that second pair. for an ungodly reason, they tried again, and almost lost me. but i am here anyway. and i never gave it much thought, but i had four siblings before me, that didn't make it, all so that i could.
i actually feel ashamed at myself a bit. I've known of these others since i was 6. it took me almost 13 years to realize how important they were. i feel horrible. so i want to make sure i never forget them, that they are with me. so i want a tattoo of them. but i don't want to ask my mom how far they were, or what gender. i don't want to upset her. plus though my mom doesn't mind my tattoo, nor minds me getting more, she doesn't exactly WANT me to get more either. if i ask her, and tell her i want a tattoo of them, she will probably say not to get it, or they didn't live long enough to be human, or they wouldn't want me to get tattoos. but i don't think she gets how important they are to me, nor how purely shitty i feel about not giving them any thought until now. so i want to ask for help on designing them. i don't mind getting four small separate ones, or one large one with four parts, or so on. but i want them to be my next tattoo. i obviously want it in my style, not cause I'm selfish and want it about me, but more because they die, so i could live. i only have the likes, dislikes, friends, emotions and such because of them. so i want to show off my style in them, but in memory of them. if that makes sense.
any ideas would be awesome. anyone who reads this thank you so much for reading and listening. if said friend i went to the parlor with reads this, you know who you are, thank you. because even thought you didn't mean to do or say it, you helped me realize something important. and I'm glad i see that now.
so thanks for reading this, I'm gonna go find some tissues before i drown in my own tears. thanks again.