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Silent City - Part 1: A Long Way Down by Rayen-V-Storme Silent City - Part 1: A Long Way Down by Rayen-V-Storme
EDITS: Just minor flow and grammar issues.

Welcome to the "Silent City". 
It is a long way down for humanity, when every single action has a dreadful moral consequence. But how far can we fall, before we are nothing more than the very things that hunt us?

So, I finally made the journals into a coherent piece, finished writing the finale, and decided to upload them as deviations. Some people wanted to see it come together as a final story, so here it is!

Critique and comments are, as always, much appreciated! Danke. Merci. Spaceba. 

"There goes my job" by Tryingtofly
Another fantastic artist who has been so kind as to let me use his works as covers. If you like the story or the art, please check him out! He would appreciate it, I'm sure ^.~

There goes my job by Tryingtofly
Linky link:…

Once again, thanks for all of the support and kindness, dear watchers and readers alike!


Part 2 -…

Silent City - Part 2: Mortal by Rayen-V-Storme

Part 3 :…

Silent City - Part 3: Finale by Rayen-V-Storme
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Critique by Bibliosmith Mar 14, 2014, 7:08:02 PM
Once again another wonderful piece of writing Rayen, kudos.

I liked the setting, apocolytophile that I am, and leaving a lot unsaid allows for the reader to fill in the blanks with their own perceptions and imagination.

Using a sibling for a companion leaves little doubt as to the reasoning for the two characters to remain together and cooperative in such an emotionally and physically straining environment.

Notes on content:
-The first journal gives the impression that this is both an auditory account, and one left to the boys' parents, however the following journals cast this in doubt. Not only are contractions not used (understandable in a written journal, but not a spoken account, especially one in a hostile and rushed environment), but also in the references to his brother as just that "my brother". While I can understand the wanting for abstractness in reference to characters for the aforementioned imaginational capacity, it is hard to believe someone would refer to their sibling by title to their parents, or at least not often. Clarification on that point could clear up some hiccups in suspension of disbelief there.
-1st journal, First paragraph: "it is here to stay", might be better as "might be here to stay", as it afixes an unknown to the situation.
-1st journal, Second paragraph: "always hunting and backpacking in the middle of nowhere"; instead perhaps "always going off hunting and backpacking to the middle of nowhere."
-2nd journal, Second paragraph: "Anyways, when we recovered our gear, we
immediately headed back to our place." It's previously referred to as 'his' cache, and then here referred to as 'ours', just feels off.
-3rd journal, Third paragraph: "...we only spoke several more times for the hush was too invasive ..."; might be better as: "...we spoke only a few more times, for the hush was too invasive..."
-4th journal, First paragraph: "I only fired on the Shades in our way"; might be better as "I fired only on the shades to our front."

I especially like the imagery at the end, not just the event but the main character's reaction to it.

Once again kudos. I would even be looking forward to additional stories in this setting from the same characters or not.
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Bibliosmith Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2014  Professional Writer
Definitely has some language in it that makes it feel grittier now, looking forward to having time to really read and digest part 2.
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I was aiming to hit that darker and more...well fittingly PA style. Can't wait to hear what you think ^.^
ChiouRin Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2014
As said in the critique, great imagery!
I loved the "it felt like sinning against the death that held the night." Very beautiful.
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much!!
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