I don’t know how to condense this down but here’s the run down.
I’m 25, transgender female to male, and my life is a wreck.
I’ve had depression and anxiety since my early teen years and didn’t come out about being trans until I was 20 and I confided in one person I thought was a trustworthy friend who blew it up on the internet and told everyone I was an attention whore. I hadn’t wanted anyone to know at that point but he made sure everyone did.
My parents are extremely unsupportive and I've lived with them all my life. Because of how severe the depression and anxiety and gender dysphoria are I was in therapy but also have never been able to hold a job.
I barely graduated high school, dropped out of college and then tried again and failed out, and since then I’ve never held a job longer than a few months. This is a combination of a lack of motivation or will to even get out of bed, anxiety keeping me terrified of talking to or working with anybody, and not being able to stand for long without being in extreme pain, because I have pain all over my body, especially in my neck and back, but my parents never believed in chiropractors and their work so I never got to figure that out or get help for it. The combination of actual physical pain and mental illness also had me calling in and cancelling work a lot because I was “sick.” And I was sick, just not in the way they thought.
My parents are actually verbally and emotionally abusive, especially because my mother is one of those control freak helicopter parents who has to be right about everything and can see no faults in herself. She’s told me to my face before that even if I did everything perfectly and was exactly what she wanted of me, it still wouldn’t be enough for her.
About a month ago I finally got a way out. My girlfriend and her family told me they had a place for me so when things got even worse between me and my parents I packed up my whole life and high tailed it out of there. I’ve been living in Pennsylvania ever since, after a ten hour drive up the coast from Georgia.
They wanted me to have a place to heal but that’s honestly not happening. I have 20 dollars left and I know even if I get a job it won’t last because I can’t even get myself out of bed most of the time.
I know that it’s my depression and anxiety and I know how bad it really is but I literally cannot function in society and it’s worse now than it’s ever been. My parents are abusive but at home I knew I was financially taken care of so if I couldn’t work it may have been verbally thrown in my face that I was useless but I still wasn’t struggling to survive.
At home in Georgia I have a basset hound named Rolo, and I couldn’t take him with me because not only is he under my mother's name but he is a cat chaser and the house I’m in now has five cats. The move would have stressed him out way too much and he’s on certain food I wouldn’t be able to afford to get him here and my mom covers his vet bills which I never could. But despite all that Rolo is my dog, not hers. Rolo literally chose me the day we met him, he climbed onto my back and started licking my ear and I knew he was mine. I was the one to always walk him and feed him and spend all my time with him, he slept with me at night, we spent all our time together. He is bonded to me, and I to him. And he’s all I can think about now that he’s gone.
My mom has told me on the phone that since I left he has been more stressed than ever and he’s just generally depressed without me, and I know what she’s saying is true but I also have been told by someone else that this is another form of manipulation from my abusive mother and honestly they’re probably right. My point is I love the animals here but I keep comparing them to my dog and I cry over him a lot and just stare at his over 200 pictures on my phone and I’m a wreck with him but even worse without him.
I’m not motivated to keep a job and honestly all I want to do is sleep my life away and right now that’s kind of what I’m doing. If I’m not driving someone to work or picking them up I’m either forcing myself to draw every day for the inktober challenge or I’m asleep. I barely eat, I’m not looking for jobs because I feel I have no reason to because it wouldn’t last, I haven’t showered in days because why bother if all I’m gonna do is sleep anyway, and with 20 bucks left to my name it feels like it would be the perfect time to just die.
I feel absolutely worthless to everyone around me. I didn’t just come here to heal but to help my girlfriend’s great grandfather who is 97 years old. He was in the hospital when I got here and I’m a certified nursing assistant because my mom forced me to take classes and made sure I always showed up, not because I was motivated or wanted to. When pap got out of the hospital a few days after I moved here I was told he was a lot worse than they thought he was going to be. Now he’s been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and he needs more help than I can provide him, so he has nurses and therapists coming in every day to shower him and exercise with him and my girlfriend's dad is the only one who is strong enough to lift him.
So basically I came here thinking at least I’d be somewhat useful but I’m not at all because I’m not doing anything at all. I thought I’d be able to help and since I can’t I just sleep all the time instead.
I don’t feel like I belong here or like I’m welcome because I’m useless and can’t do anything and can't settle in properly, either. At least at home I was helping around the house every day and taking care of my dog and doing things to help my mom since she’s older and has been sick for a long time and she just can’t do a lot of things anymore. I was able to run errands for her and do chores she couldn’t do cause she can’t bend over and she can’t reach a lot of things and she falls a lot and I was always there to help. Now that I’m here in PA I’m not helping anyone.
September 2016 I tried to kill myself and ended up in a behavioral health center on lockdown for a week because of it. The place was a worse hell than you can ever imagine, there’s no sympathy or true understanding and they don’t actually care if you feel better, you just have to bullshit and act like it or you’ll never leave and they’ll rake up all your money.
I’m at a point where I would rather kill myself than go back to a place like that. I’m never going to one of those places again after all I went through. I developed PTSD because of that place.
Basically I just don’t know what to do. I feel so worthless I just want to die and I know I can’t function in society. I know it’s the depression and anxiety but my brain still constantly screams at me that I’m just a lazy, irresponsible slug who will never amount to anything. All I want is my dog back and if I go home I’m going back to an unhealthy and abusive environment but at least I’ll have my dog. That said the trip costs 300-400 dollars with gas and food and a motel overnight so you don’t have to drive ten hours straight, so even if I wanted to go home to that environment I can’t afford it and don’t know that I ever will with my inability to function and hold a job. Going home also means I’m showing my parents I really am useless and will never be able to support myself.
I uprooted my whole life just to want to go back home despite all my parents have put me through, and honestly the only answer I can see to get out of this anymore is to kill myself. Everyone always says it’ll get better but it’s been 13 years and everything has only gotten worse and not better over the years.
I don’t want to be here and I don’t want to be home in Georgia. I want to be alone in a little house with my dog Rolo where we don’t have to worry about how life will perceive us and we can sleep and take walks and spend all our time together. I want a reality I can’t have because everyone has to work in our society or we are seen as irresponsible and lazy and useless, and because if you don’t work and function under a world run by money, you won’t have that money to survive at all. And as it is I can’t work and function, so how can I survive, and why is it even imperative that I do? Why try or bother?
I’m a reclusive, terrified, tired boy who can’t see an end to the hell he's in. I can’t even motivate myself to do my art enough to try and sell it.
I dunno. I really just don’t know at this point.
All I can really say is.. help. :/ But if I can’t even help myself why would anyone else want to help me?
A note to all of this, I have an older sister who lives in Tennessee and that’s where my dad will retire to at the end of next year. My parents have a house up there and they go up there every other weekend. My sister is married and had her first child last November so visiting their granddaughter is really important to my parents. My sister has a seemingly perfect life with a great husband and a perfect baby and her dog and her goats and their perfect jobs and my parents have always been so focused on her successes that they want me to be perfect and just like my sister and I’m not and can’t live up to those expectations so I’m just a disappointment.
I was adopted and my birth mother suggested I go live with my sister until I can support myself but again I don’t think I’ll ever be able to function properly, and on top of that my sister is constantly busy and stressed juggling her job and her baby, and even if I could help and watch the baby in the day so my sister could get some work done, when she wants her mom she wants her mom and no one else. That said my sister also told me if I could get officially diagnosed with gender dysphoria she would support me and then when I told her I was, she changed the subject to how I was on my parents’ insurance money and she hasn’t shown any outward support at all. I’m still her baby’s aunt instead of her uncle and when I did try to open up about the abuse our parents put me through the text she responded with was a very generic “sorry everything is so rough right now.” Like no??? Not right now, I just told you what’s been going on for years and you can’t give me any back up at all? At best I don’t think my sister understands me, at worst I’d say our relationship is strained. Even if she wasn’t so constantly busy I wouldn’t want to ask to stay with her for any period of time.
And how could she understand me? She's never had the depression and anxiety, she's a social butterfly, she's always been extremely motivated and studied hard and has had a perfect GPA all her life and is well-liked by everyone around her, she has huge social networks of people who would bend over backwards to help her, and she couldn't possibly understand what it's like to lack the motivation, to be terrified of people, to have barely any friends to understand you at all. Even if she were to honestly try, she would never really understand me, because we live two totally different lives. On the opposite end, I can't understand how she motivates herself so easily, how talking to so many people daily doesn't terrify her. People touching me without me knowing it's about to happen makes me flinch away from them, I don't initiate conversation often even with those I'm close to and I don't ever really initiate physical contact. I'm coming to find I think I might be paranoid as well, with the way I'm constantly jumpy or panicked inwardly in some way, and with how much I look over my shoulders and wasn't honestly aware of it until it was pointed out to me. There's no way my sister and I could ever truly understand each other, but I guess I at least wish she would try. I went out of my way to finally open up to her and I felt like I just got nothing in return. I used to think she and I were super close but I guess we're just not. :/
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